Hey everyone,
Today was my 90th day clean. Who thought I would ever make it this far (probably no one being that no one knew my secret(-: but that’s beside the point…) For all those who didn’t read my original point I’ll summarize it quickly here. I was introduced to porn at around age 7-8, figured out masturbating on my own around this age also, and got hooked on it before I even knew it was אסור. I was hiding my addiction throughout middle school, high school, and Beis Medrash. Life was hell for me. I was living a double life for far too long and the inner turmoil was so painful. I thought I was the biggest Rasha in the world and thought that I would go to the grave with my secret. This past Bein Hazmanim I fell in the worst way that ever happened to me and that was the spark for me to go searching on the web to figure out a real solution to put my life in order, thus I discovered GYE (For more info see my original post).
I'm now 22 years old. I’ve had a secret for 15 years. That’s a long time. Longer than I thought anyone in the world ever had this problem. I realized how wrong I was. I have read about many people who are or were in far worse situations than I was. After reading through their stories, I realized one simple thing. If there are people out there who were in worse situations than I was and they managed to pull themselves together, I can pull my life together also. I have a shot at life. No more excuses. It’s time to buckle down and beat this battle. I knew that I had to do something fundamentally different than every other time I had tried to stop. What was that fundamental difference? Communication. I had a place where I could let people know what was going on with me. I had a place where I could see how many others struggled with the same situation as I did. We are all men. We all have sexual drives and unfortunately many, many of us were exposed to the horrors of porn. It wasn’t just me. After knowing this I slowly but surely started to feel ‘normal’. I had felt alone and different for so long, and now I felt that I was just like anyone else. I’m not going to ask g-d why he put me into a situation where I was exposed to porn at such a young age and why I live in a house with many unfiltered devices and why we live in a generation that you can’t even walk the streets without being horribly exposed and why this and why that. G-d has his reasons and they are far beyond our comprehension. That’s not what I have to worry about. What I do have to worry about is how I’m going to deal with my reality. How to make sure that I now stay a changed person. How to make sure that I don’t slip back into the abyss that I was once in. That I take the inspiration from gye and channel it into real-life situations where I am struggling. I can feel comfortable knowing that everyone else struggles too and just because it’s hard doesn’t mean that I’m going to fall. I have the capabilities to carry out what I really want to be in life. A true Eved Hashem.
So I reached 90 days. After three months of ups and downs, I finally reached the ‘magic number’. I don’t really feel any different than I did on day 89 nor do I really feel any different than I did on day 88. And day 92 won’t really feel any different than day 91. But I do feel different in one way. I’m a person who can set a goal and reach it. If I could reach this goal of 90 days, I can reach 900 days, I can reach 9,000 days, and I can keep going for the rest of my life (of course only with the help of Hashem). It may be hard sometimes, and it may feel like I'm about to give in, but I can do it! I can push through! So I’ll have urges sometimes and I know that I will and I know it will be hard, but for now, I don’t have the option to go masturbate or watch porn. I have other ways of dealing with these issues, but going back to my old habits is just not an option anymore. It’s not who I am. That’s what the number 90 signifies for me. A person who can reach a goal that they set for themselves even when the going gets hard. “Cause when the going gets hard, the tough get going”.
So all those out there who read this, know one thing. You can reach the goals that you set. It is possible to break free from this life and there is always gonna be someone who was in your situation or maybe even worse who also broke free. Use them as an inspiration for yourself. Start posting on the forum and share your struggle with someone else. Maybe one day you will pick up the phone and call someone or go meet in person as I did and you will see that there are so many people out there who can give you support when you need it. Porn does not have to define who you are!! You can live a good meaningful life without it, but you must utilize the tools that gye has to offer in order to break free. If I and so many others did it, you can do it to!!
I honestly have to thank everyone here for responding to my posts and encouraging me to keep going. There is something so satisfying when people respond to your posts, so thank you for that. I do have to give a special shout out to both HHM and Vehkam for their continued support to me as they were both there for me when i needed it most. I must give a huge shout out to GYE for all of the holy work that you do. It’s amazing to see how many people have gotten their lives back because of you! So thank you, thank you to the gye team!!! I must express hakaras hatov to hashem for enabling me to get this far on my journey and with his help, I hope to continue on for the rest of my life doing the one thing that I always truly wanted. To be a true Eved Hashem.
ps. I appreciate all feedback, so feel free to respond(-: