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My CLIMB on the wall
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TOPIC: My CLIMB on the wall 59217 Views

Re: My CLIMB on the wall 22 Apr 2011 08:40 #104447

  • Eye.nonymous
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2ndChance wrote on 22 Apr 2011 01:53:

hey pal my feelings are
stop the fighting, just live a happy lifestyle
enough of regrets, enjoy your credits
focus on reward, not on guilt


A man in recovery!

--Eye.
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Re: My CLIMB on the wall 27 Apr 2011 12:56 #104539

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2ndChance wrote on 16 Apr 2011 23:21:

Yirida lTzorech Aliya
these crashes make us realise our powerlessness
which in turn pushes us to rely on Hashem for help
and this atitude is ultimately important to full recovery


Dear '2nd Chance',

You also wrote:

As an guy struggling for years
I cant ignore my situation anymore
as an initiation to the 8 shovivim weeks
I am returning to gye to give it my best
I will join the groups and stop hiding behind my own shadow
please hashem help get out of this mudpile
hi Chevra I need allot of encouragment please give a hand


And you also wrote:


Oh i almost busted I actually opened bad sights out of Yiush. someone really got me depressed, by relaying a well known saying as he put it. please tell me the real truth, honestly. what is behind this verse:
ONCE AN ADDICT ALWAYS AN ADDICT
does this mean i will always be fighting so ferociously. the tears are crawling down my cheeks as i try to verify this horrible nightmare. please don't let me down. i want to know that i am fighting for victory and peace not for my entire life


Perhaps you have gotten out of the pothole of that last post, by now. But I believe that the attitude you describe in the last piece above was sorely mistaken. The "once an addict always an addict" idea does not mean that I will remain a jerk. It does not mean that I will always lose. It does not mean that I am 'doomed to sneak off with my little fantasies from the pretty women I have seen and drunk in today and crawl into my secret corner to privately drink up my fantasies, get good and drunk on them, and then masturbate to finally 'get the job done'.

Not by a long shot.

Rather, to me, it simply means that by myself - by my own power, I will most-likely remain a loser. I - unlike most other frum yidden - need Hashem to take care of me. Most other people can get along fairly well with emunah. I cannot. I need to learn how to live with a Power Greater than myself and be His agent, rather than just being obligated to do His Will because He happens to be the true G-d. The latter attitude is actually fine for most frum people - perfectly fine. Not for me.

I need Him to be my Director. I am so ill that emunah is not enough. Mussar, learning Torah, and mitzvos (as I have been doing them all till now) is not enough. And probably never will be.

Yet, when they say "once an addict always an addict' my sponsor reminds me that this is not written in stone somewhere. G-d never told us this. It may not be true, at all. So then what's it about?

To me, it is about humility, and only humility. Normal yidden do not work this way (and my wife certainly does not!). For me and many addicts I have come to know, as long as we are 'fighting to utterly overcome our yetzer hora' we lose - and we end up doing the bidding of our yetzer hora, in the end. But as long as we give up the fight - no longer taking any credit for remaining free of lust and masturbation and do it just for today....we will be fine. And in the end, the years will roll by and we will not need to resort to sex with self (that is, masturbation) or any drunkenness with lust, at all.

So the uneducated, 'un-step recovery' people out there (like the 'yetzer hora crowd, who have been waiting for us to finally 'just get it!') naturally see a guy with 10 years of sibriety and declare him a winner! He has cowed his 'addiction' and beaten it!

Little do they know, that for so many of us, that attitude just reinvites the old self-worship and edges G-d out (ego). Then we start 'drinking' again and they sit back, shell-shocked. "I thought he did teshuvah...?"

But AA has learned for us - the hard way - that there is no 'winner' but Hashem. And for Him, of course, there is no contest, c"v. And we are the benefactors of His Chessed. But only if we get out of His way.

So wipe away your tears, 2nd Chance. They are only appropriate for those who miss the boat. For the battle is impossible. We are losers. And yet we can be clean and free one day at a time for decades and decades. And life becomes far more beautiful than we guessed it would be, "if I would only finally just stop spilling zera levatolah!". Hashem can and does do all this for us if we let Him. Not if we just want Him to - but if we let Him. That is what we need to learn and keep learning, and all that the steps are about, as far as I can see. (They are certainly not about 'not acting out'!)

In other words, in the end, we will not need to bow to our very powerful yet false gods of pretty women, fantasy and the rest of our sweet, precious lust - because we will be busy living with the real G-d. The G-d of our understanding - meaning the One we have a relationship with.

So if you follow this path and in a year from now you still feel that you are struggling every day and need to be deathly afraid of the next bubbly blond who comes bouncing around the next corner chas v'Sholom - that you are still basically the same person you always were, just with some new tools...then I submit that you are doing something really, really wrong. That is not the program I and my buddies are familiar with. And I would ask you whether you really have a G-d of your very own yet.

This is not a madreigah, chas vesholom. For if it were, I would have to deserve it - and I do not. "It is not for everybody, but for us it works" (AA, ch 5).

Hatzlocha!
Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"
Last Edit: 27 Apr 2011 21:48 by .

Re: My CLIMB on the wall 27 Apr 2011 17:08 #104555

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if it means anything to anybody what i say, 'once an addict always an addict' means yes, you will have this battle for a long time.i am speaking only from the vantage point of 2 and a half years involved in this struggle.and you might even be different than me.for me, after 2 and a half years, i still have the struggle.and i think you will always have the struggle.it might become easier, but it will always be there. sorry to give you the bad news.but once you know and accept the truth, you will be able to move on.if you deny this truth, you will have trouble moving forward.you ALWAYS have to be vigilant, more so than the average guy, who ALSO has to be vigilant.be STRONG, use your G-d given strength to fight.but get a sponsor - a good one like i have.you can't do it alone - you need help from a human being.someone who will talk to you on the phone.become a baal bechirah, which you are not right now.G-d wants us to be baalei bechirah.yes, you will then be subject to punishment for mistakes, which you are not when you are forced into things, like you are now.but it's still better than being pulled every which-way by a force outside of you.i know this is not the advice you have heard elsewhere. now you have to pick the one that's right for you.whatever works, take it and run with it.
jack
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Re: My CLIMB on the wall 27 Apr 2011 21:49 #104578

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Hey, rewrote my above post....hate editing. Yecchhh....

Hi Jack!!

Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"
Last Edit: by .

Re: My CLIMB on the wall 28 Apr 2011 13:46 #104604

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reb dov, dont say those words when you go to an airport - you know, hijack?

it's an old joke from one of those jewish comedians - who was it now, milton berle, jack benny, george burns oh, it was jack carter.

i'm showing my age)
Last Edit: 28 Apr 2011 13:48 by .

Re: My CLIMB on the wall 28 Apr 2011 19:40 #104633

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Joey Adams?
Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"
Last Edit: by .

Re: My CLIMB on the wall 29 Apr 2011 17:37 #104721

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wow what a fall
i need to get therapy
any new groups starting
The multitude of wounds on a soldier demonstrate his audacity.
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Re: My CLIMB on the wall 29 Apr 2011 18:57 #104727

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If you need to get therapy, then get therapy. Are you worth it, or not? Is this serious, or not?

Groups...yeah, doing this alone is silly. But ever wonder why that is? Is it just 'the great camaraderie'? The shame of 'falling' and having to tell everyone else? That's it?

Nonsense.

The value of getting help and working some kind of recovery with others is that we are so busy telling ourselves so many little lies so often, that we do not even see the lies any more. That is the only explanation for how we could possibly screw up over and over...and over.

If it is really still in our comfort zone, then it can't possibly be that useful in the long run.

Sorry.

Wanna talk?

It'll be OK....He is a very big G-d and can do wonders for us as soon as we are ready to let Him.
Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"
Last Edit: by .

Re: My CLIMB on the wall 12 May 2011 15:54 #105789

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Hi GYE's I got myself a sponser
lets see if we click
he gave me homework i wonder if this is the real deal

I am at day 9 which means i entered in the second level
hope to post more so to keep my feelings off the chest (sorry for abusing you)
The multitude of wounds on a soldier demonstrate his audacity.
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Re: My CLIMB on the wall 12 May 2011 15:55 #105790

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I wonder if the GYE's are (atleast) peeking into my thread
it is upto 512 views wonder how many hits i'll get today
The multitude of wounds on a soldier demonstrate his audacity.
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Re: My CLIMB on the wall 12 May 2011 17:04 #105799

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I got a friend named Guido. He'll give you some hits, if you like...

8)
Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"
Last Edit: by .

Re: My CLIMB on the wall 12 May 2011 18:19 #105811

  • ben durdayah
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Take this! POW!

You wanted a hit?

Well, now you've got one!

E
For Dov and the other two guys who care,
My real name really is
 Eli
Like the original Bendy, Ein hadavar talui ela bee




 
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Re: My CLIMB on the wall 12 May 2011 18:32 #105812

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if you want to get hit come take away my son's toy tractor...


great to hear you got a sponsor, hope it works well and you get to where you need to go
Sometimes life is like tuna with not enough mayonaise
~Inna beshem ZS

Give, Forgive
~Cordnoy

The reason I'm acting as if I'm pregnant, is because I'm expecting. I should be accepting.
~TZ
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Re: My CLIMB on the wall 15 May 2011 05:15 #105938

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some naughty sh**
to call it hit

i should've named it "veiw"
sorry but i am new
The multitude of wounds on a soldier demonstrate his audacity.
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Re: My CLIMB on the wall 15 May 2011 05:34 #105939

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2ndChance wrote on 29 Apr 2011 17:37:

wow what a fall
i need to get therapy
any new groups starting


TOMORROW (Monday, May 16).  The Duvid Chaim calls are all starting up again.  Why don't you call in?

--Eye.
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