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Journal of the hopeless
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TOPIC: Journal of the hopeless 8149 Views

Re: Journal of the hopeless 01 Dec 2010 14:30 #87458

  • silentbattle
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Hey there - how you doing?
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Re: Journal of the hopeless 01 Dec 2010 15:38 #87472

  • KiviYVY
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Hey Moshe - I haven't posted in this thread yet, but I've been reading it and have been really feeling for you. I fear deep down that I'm like you and that it's kinda pointless to post and talk with others if I'm just going to fall anyway. What I've learnt though is that that's my Y"H talking and when I hear him say such things I try to tip my hat to him, thank him for stopping by, and wish him a farewell. It seems to work quite well - many brewing lusts have been nipped in the bud - B"H!

I got the feeling from this thread that you really really want to stop, but maybe that deep desire, as deep as it is, has not made it into the kishkes (maybe a parve kishke, but not into the fleishigeh kishke). I think the way to penetrate the fleishigeh kishkes is to dwell more on the physical threats of living with this lust. Maybe reading some of the stories about where lust has progressed for many of those here on GYE, how it's effected their family life, their wives, their children. Hit rock bottom while you're on top! But don't dwell TOO much on the negative. Think about those people who were at the bottom - so much lower than you and I - and have managed to put their lives back together and live clean and connected, to the world and especially to HKB"H whose loving embrace they've taken comfort in. HKB"H does Nissim, and He does them regularly for people who are absolutely ready to change. Ask people who have seen the Nissim in their lives.

It's Chanuka tonight, and just about right now for the Eretz Yisroel Chevra, and Chanuka is when HKB"H shows us his constant presence among us. Read Nesivos Shalom on Chanuka if you can get your hands on the Kuntres. His persistent message is that the Yivanim tried to darken the light of HKB"H b/c they knew that the survival of Klal Yisroel was dependent on the light of HKB"H bringing clarity to the world. Klal Yisrael can't survive without that light; life is black, lonely, filled with slips and falls in the dark. The Neis of the Menora, which is the Avoda on Chanuka, was HKB"H calling out to us amidst the dark, begging us to let Him shine for us as it were. His light is ever present. It may appear to be just a small flame on a window sill, but it's there and the closer you come to it the more you can see and the stronger you feel it's heat, it's power. Let the light in, come closer to it - HKB"H is calling out.

Sorry for the Drasha - this was supposed to be a short comment but I got carried away . Maybe my rambling with have some benefit

Freilechen Chanuka
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Re: Journal of the hopeless 06 Dec 2010 14:46 #88032

  • moshef
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I haven't posted in a week, but had a great week last week.  One week of sobriety until yesterday, screwed up twice.  I commit to reaching out to someone today when I feel weak, I'm feeling weak right now but don't have who to reach out to.

I don't know what's bothering me and what I'm running away from, it could be a looming full week of stress ahead.

Yashuv-VYashuv wrote on 01 Dec 2010 15:38:


Sorry for the Drasha - this was supposed to be a short comment but I got carried away . Maybe my rambling with have some benefit



I'm not a drosha type of guy but this one was good, thanks for responding.

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Re: Journal of the hopeless 06 Dec 2010 14:49 #88035

  • jewinpain
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Reb moshe, u know were to reach me if needed
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Re: Journal of the hopeless 06 Dec 2010 15:46 #88041

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Crisis is over b'h.  I cried a little, begged a lot and kvetched even more and hashem got me over it.  I'm able to work clear headed for now, thanks.
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Re: Journal of the hopeless 07 Dec 2010 14:27 #88187

  • moshef
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I had a great day yesterday b'h.  It's amazing how good it fells when I get home and realized how stupid acting out would have been.  I was able to fill a full day of work, get things done, relate to my family and just live life.    Acting out ruins all of that.

But this morning I get back into the office and all those thoughts, motivation and reasons not to act out disappear and the only logical thing to do now is surf some stupid Pxrn that Iv'e seen a million times that has never satisfied me.  What about pxrn makes me feel good? I don't even know but I'm uncomfortable with myself and Pxrn is a great temporary escape.

Talk about insanity!
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Re: Journal of the hopeless 07 Dec 2010 14:31 #88188

  • silentbattle
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Sometimes, thinking about how stupid it is helps. For me, it helps more to remember how good it feels when I'm clean. How, 5 minutes from now, I'll get a lot more pleasure from staying clean than acting out - which ruins the whole sales pitch of "this will make you feel sooo good" - because i already feel great, right now - better than any acting out can make me feel!
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