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Daniel's Journey (Wow)
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TOPIC: Daniel's Journey (Wow) 2463 Views

Daniel's Journey (Wow) 18 Jul 2010 16:31 #74545

Day 41.  Been here a few times before.  Wanting it to get easier, and in some ways it is but still lusting.  Visiting my parents house with my wife.  Stayed up till 4am.  Mind was racing, lust trying to seduce me.  Seems that whenever I go to a different city these days, my mind is flooded with memories of ways that I acted out there in the past.  But I'm still sober (I have to admit, I did take a shot of bourbon at 4 am just to try and get some sleep, something which I don't like doing as I can abuse alcohol if I'm not careful).  I go to SA meetings in my home state, I'm gonna have to find some here.  Meetings are a key for me and my sobriety.  Also need to make some phone calls.  Lust comes and goes, and today it is telling me to act out. But thank G-d I know that I am powerless.  Hashem will give me strength if I turn to him.  He has gotten me through until now.  He is the only thing stronger than my addiction.  Seeing major signs of progress though.  Went to a theme park the other day and was able to enjoy myself without lusting.  Noticed the beautiful flower last shabbos.  Becoming more grateful.  Feeling lots of peace.  Able to look people in the eyes without feeling so much shame.  But still feel weird in my own skin, still getting used to being sober.  But thank G-d I am sober!  Thank you Hashem!
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Re: Daniel's Journey (Wow) 18 Jul 2010 17:53 #74562

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Good luck and stay connected
זכרני נא, זכרני נא, וחזקני נא אך הפעם הזה, הפעם הזה, האלקים, ואנקמה נקם אחת משתי עיני, מפלשתים
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Re: Daniel's Journey (Wow) 19 Jul 2010 05:47 #74689

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workingmyprogram wrote on 18 Jul 2010 16:31:
Went to a theme park the other day and was able to enjoy myself without lusting.  Noticed the beautiful flower last shabbos.

Baruch Hashem, I also love this feeling. Suddenly after a long time arises again the ability from childhood to be happy, uf I can be happy. I think these are the moments when we praise Him. May we make others smile by smiling when it is hard.
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Day 42: The pleasure in the Pain 19 Jul 2010 15:41 #74729

I will admit.  I'm in pain.  It ain't comfortable.  I have a hard time sleeping.  My system feels all out of whack. My schedule it getting more and more screwed up daily.  Things that I thought would miraculously work themselves out by now are still unresolved and I'm worrying.  But I'm sober.  And for now, that's all that matters.  And that makes me feel good.  Deep down.  An inner good that I know is spiritual.  It feels like exercise.  Sure it's painful, but at the end of the day, even the pain isn't so bad because I know it means I'm doing something good for myself.  Contrast this with the momentary pleasure of acting out, where the pleasure is fleeting and the pain it leaves behind lasts for months.  Unlike my yetzer harrah, my yetzer tov isn't promising me any quick fixes.  Theres no "If you just do this then everything will be ok".  Rather, my yetzer tov beckons me to take Hashems's hand and slowly rebuild this life which my addict has almost destroyed.  I know it won't be fast, but there is no limit to how amazing my life can become if I just continue. 

This pain is the opposite of the pain of acting out.  The pain of acting out is deep, shameful.  It is full of regret, victimization, anger at having been deceived again.  It feels no hope, the future looks bleak and fruitless.  It is truly the Tochacha.  However, the pain of getting sober is a good kind of pain.  A pain of growth and healing.  A spiritual pain.  A pain that G-d himself resides in.  A pain that has so much hope and peace in it. 

And the pleasure of getting sober is a deep inner pleasure.  Not an excitement, but very deep and real.  And grows slowly each day.  It brings calmness and peace.  Emunah and connection to Hashem.  May Hashem continue to help me in my pain, and prevent me from taking the cheap way out.
Last Edit: 19 Jul 2010 23:57 by .

Day 49 - Coming Back to Life 27 Jul 2010 00:50 #75415

49 is a very meaningful number for me.  It represents the amount of days needed to go from being on the lowest level to being able to receive the Torah.  And while I am still a sexaholic, riddled with character defects and fear, I feel like I am making great progress and getting to this day means a lot to me.  I have been feeling some pretty amazing things lately.  For one, my ego seems to be getting smaller and smaller.  I'm having much less road rage, I'm much more connected to others, especially my wife and friends, and the lusting is barely there.  Sure there are some times where I will see a pretty girl and start lusting, or  I will fantasize about acting out, but it happens much less frequently then before, and whereas before I was actively looking for these "hits" of lust, now they happen by accident and the lust leaves much more quickly.  It is still not easy though, there are things in my life which still cause me worry and discomfort, but I am truly grateful that I can confront these things sober.  The one thing I have to watch out for is the  thinking that "now that I'm sober, G-d is going to make everything work out".  I start to think this everytime I get sober and it's just not true.  Everythign doesnt work out.  I defenitly see lots of improvements, but things are still not perfect. I am still unemployed and the business I am trying to start is not going according to my wishes.  My relationship with my wife is still not as intimate as I would like it to be.  My emotions are still going up and down, but I am starting to level out more.  But all in all, things are much better than they were 49 days ago. Hashem has literally lifted me out of the pit of hell and breathed new life into me.  I feel like a new person and I'm amazed at how much growth can happen in just 49 days.  Thank you Hashem!!!!
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Re: Daniel's Journey (Wow) 27 Jul 2010 02:03 #75419

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Thank you for your posts. They are very inspiring and may Hashem see you through. You should be very proud of everything you have accomplished. It is truly amazing.
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Day 57 and still getting nightmares 03 Aug 2010 00:06 #75888

Day 57, it feels good but not as good as I thought it would. I guess I just want to feel this sudden sense of relief where I can say "Whew, thank G-d that's over with" but it aint happenning that way.  I am only sober today, and every day I get tempted.  This morning at the gym I was lusting big time and stealing glances here and there.  Even in davening this morning I had what's called "euphoric recall" and found myself thinking about some of the porn i've seen over the years.  Another thing is that I keep having nightmares that I lost my sobriety.  And sometimes they feel so real that I really think that I lost it.  I read that this is a common thing in people going through withdrawel.  But on  good note, this last shabbos I felt a sense of inner peace and calmness I haven't felt in years.  It felt like my whole body was just floating.  It felt really amazing.  I am also becoming less egotistic and caring much more about others.  I am hleping other sexaholics and am praying for people, especially my enemies.  (my sponsor tole me to do this for 14 days in order to reduce my resentments).  So all in all I am doing great, but like I said, I am nowhere near the clear.  I know what they mean when they say one day at a time, because that is really all I have.  I may very well act out tomorow CH'V, all I have is today.  I am also trying hard not just to work my SA program, but to do teshuvah.  I am praying a lot for G-d to forgive me.  I have made lots of stupid decisions which were probably influenced by me acting out. I just want Hashem to return me to my place.  The place that he wants for me. I need to turn my will over to him. Until I do that I will still always worry about parnassah, my children, and everything else I can't control. 

Hashem:  Please put me on your path.  Please provide my sustenance for me so that I don't have to worry about it and can devote my time to doing your will.  Please remove the fear of financial insecurity from me so I can think less of myself and more of others.  Hashem, I know I made a lot of mistakes.  I am a dufus.  But please give me a second chance.  You have been there for me before.  I remember when you brought my beautifful wife into my life.  I remember how you brought me to Eretz Yisroel to learn after I was married.  Hashem you loved me so much!  But I screwed it up!! I'm so sorry.  You gave me everything I needed to be successful but I wanted more.  I wanted lust too.  But now I know I can't have both.  You spit me out of your holy land and brought me into golus.  You caused my finances to dwindle.  You turned the sky into copper and the ground into steel and there has been no blessing in any of my endeavors.  My hands have not seen any success.  My heart has been corrupted.  I used to spend my time learning your Torah, surrounded by kedusha, but now I spend it wallowing in Tumah.  I used to learn day and night and now my mind can't understand a simple sugyah.  Oh how I have fallen.  Oh how I am so misplaced and have no comforter.  And now I realize, my story is the story of us all.  Sin, exile, golus, persecution.  I am living our history.  Hashem please redeem me from the prison of golus to which I have exiled myself.  I see no way out and have no key. Only a nes can save me. Hashem, please save me for your sake, for I have no merits of my own on which I can rely. 
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Re: Daniel's Journey (Wow) 03 Aug 2010 13:34 #75915

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The fact you are here at GYE and the fact you feel is most important.  Just remember to live one day at time and G-d will be there.  Look at your life and see the changes.  Trust me there are changes.  This is a long journey.  KUTGW!!
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Day 58 05 Aug 2010 00:07 #76026

Been lusting like crazy all day. I guess stress is just getting to me.  So I took some countermeasures.  Went to a meeting.  Made a couple phone calls. Came to GYE.  Shared a gratitude list with my sponsor.  I just have to remind myself, that even though my sex craved mind tells me that lust is a good option, it doesn't mean I have to do it. Today is another opportunity to act better than I feel!  I love you guys, and thanks for your support!
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Re: Daniel's Journey (Wow) 05 Aug 2010 05:41 #76042

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workingmyprogram wrote on 05 Aug 2010 00:07:

So I took some countermeasures.  Went to a meeting.  Made a couple phone calls. Came to GYE.  Shared a gratitude list with my sponsor. 

This list you so humbly call some countermeasures?

Amazing work.  You are truly, really and truly an example for me.  Thank you.
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Day 59: Baruch Hashem for the Amazing Relaxation 06 Aug 2010 02:44 #76092

I'm at day 59, if I stay sober for the next few hours I will wake up at day 60.  Baruch Hashem.  I know that  alot of my posts have dealt with my struggles, and believe me, it isn't easy and has actually gotten a little harder the last few days, but I want to talk about some of the amazing experiences I've had as well.  One major thing that I've been experiencing is this amazing serenity which I haven't felt in years.  It comes in waves.  The first time I felt it was last Shabbos.  I was sitting at Shalosh Seudos and felt this wonderful relaxation that was so intense, if you would have hooked me up to a morphine injection machine it might not have come close.  I was floating on cloud 9.  I never felt such amazing relaxation.  It happenned again on Monday and then again today as I was talking to someone who was struggling in the program.  It's awesome.  But I still need to be careful, because my addict mind is still telling me that lust is the answer!  It's nuts, I know.  That I could be doing better than I've ever done, feel more serene than I ever felt, and yet still want to act out. It just shows how powerful this disease is and how powerless I am over lust.  I need to constantly turn to G-d because otherwise, this thing is going to blindside me and I could easily lose my sobriety.  But Baruch Hashem, I'm finally starting to see the fruits of recovery.  In the beginning it was just pain, but now it's there's also a lot of serenity.  It really is a gift from Hashem that I can feel this.  I hope all of you guys who are reading this will get to feel this too!  I know you guys can do it, and we will do it together.  Together we will get to the place of serenity and peace!!  I still love you guys!!  Any of you can email me at workingmyprogram@gmail.com if you ever want to shmooze.
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Day 63: Getting Better 09 Aug 2010 22:52 #76270

It's Day 63 and I definitely feel much better.  It still isn't easy but I'm feeling better and better each day. My sleep is improving, most of the physical withdrawel symptoms are gone, and I'm just feeling all in all much better.  I still am a crazy sexaholic though, my brain keeps telling me that lust is the answer, which i know isn't true.  This is where I see my powerlessness:  That I can be doing better than ever, feeling better than ever, and still have that voice that is constantly nagging me to look on the internet, or stare at a girl, or try and get a girl on the phone line.  Even as I write this there is a girl sitting next to me who is triggering me big time.  What I need to do now is pray for her.  And I also need to pray to G-d.  It seems that the more sobriety I get, the more powerless I realize I am and the more I realize I need to rely on G-d. I truly am powerless over this disease.  It is stronger than me and has kicked my tuchus thousands of times.  Without G-d I am toast.  And every day it renews itself against me.  But I am actually grateful for the struggle.  I feel that it's an opportunity to correct everything I've done wrong.  A real opportunity for teshuva which can only come through some pain and struggle.  I really feel that, assuming I make it through this period sober, I will look back at this period of time as the most meaningful period of my life.  It's like G-d is giving me a second chance.  A chance to start anew.  I really thought I screwed it up for good, but I see G-d healing me and I see G-d restoring many of the things that I almost lost.  I shared about not being able to learn anymore, that for some reason I couldn't concentrate and understand a sugya.  But today I was able to understand the daf!  For me, that is a miracle.  You see, I once had Torah, Hashem took it away from me, and now with sobriety I am getting it back.  It's the power of teshuva to be able to repair the damage.  Hashem really does give second chances, even if we don't deserve them.  But I can't get ahead of myself.  All I have is today.  One day at a time is becoming my new motto.  And so far, Baruch Hashem, it's working. 
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Day 65: Learning to Accept 12 Aug 2010 00:18 #76437

The withdrawel symptoms hit pretty hard today.  Hard time focusing, find myself staring for 10 minutes at different kinds of paper cups cause I don't know which one's to buy.  It's like withdrawing from lust is causing my obsessive compulsiveness to go up.  But that's just been the last couple of days.  And besides, I can deal with some OCD and ADD in exchange for all the serenity I'm getting back in return.  I'm also learning to accept that it may be a while until I feel safe again.  "Safe" in the sense that I can trust myself that I won't act out.  It would be nice to walk into a room that has an unfiltered computer (which is the crack of every sex addict) and not feel the physical urge to log on and destroy my life in the process.  Isn't it nuts how we are drawn after something that we know is killing us?  It is s true testament at how powerless we are.  We know that acting out destroys our life on many levels, yet we are still drawn to it!  It's proof of how powerless we are.  And it's more than just powerlessness, it's also insanity.  That's why I need G-d so much, to restore me so sanity and save me from my crazy sex addicted brain.
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Re: Daniel's Journey (Wow) 12 Aug 2010 13:08 #76456

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You are amazing!

I love hearing you on the DC calls.

You are a inspiration to all of us.

Hold on tight- Be strong.

You can think 1 day at a time or you can think only until the call( i am sure that can help once we get there)

Keep on being mechazek us. (and yourself)



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Re: Daniel's Journey (Wow) 12 Aug 2010 19:27 #76468

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workingmyprogram wrote on 12 Aug 2010 00:18:
I can deal with some OCD and ADD in exchange for all the serenity I'm getting back in return.  I'm also learning to accept that it may be a while until I feel safe again.  "Safe" in the sense that I can trust myself that I won't act out.
Wow, you'd pay for your serenity, if it were necessary to do so, by taking on more OCD and ADD. (How much more?) The concept fascinates me on many levels. Is the serenity that great, even at this stage in your recovery? Is there serenity even when you wouldn't trust yourself to (act out, use unfiltered computer, whatever)?

I guess I'm asking if you're  willing to share a little more about this. If you're willing to share. Thanks, chaver.
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