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TOPIC: A Massive fail 2884 Views

A Massive fail 08 Aug 2022 10:02 #384434

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I don't know where to begin. I started off this program with so much hope. I had a 5-day streak right out of the gate and was starting to feel a little better about myself. I completed the F2F programs first week. There was light at the end of the tunnel. That light has turned into a freight train heading right for me. After one fall, I told myself that I can't let perfect be the enemy of the good. I will have falls, and that is just part of the process. Then I had a few good days followed by a fall. 

Every fall had one thing in common, and that is that my wife was out of the house for whatever reason, and I was alone with my computer. I would be totally fine and having a good day, and she would say that she is running to the market for a few minutes. The minute she was out the door I was attacked by the Yetzer, and I grabbed my computer.

This weekend she spent in NYC for Shabbat with a few friends. I was alone with my computer all weekend. I don't need to tell you what happened, it was a fall after fall after fall. I gave away the entire weekend. I was using the computer on Shabbos, I didn't fast Sunday, It was a lost weekend of disgusting behavior. It is now Monday morning, and my wife is coming home today.  This is a common pattern for me. Anytime that I am alone, I feel that I have an opportunity to "go crazy" and I can't miss out. I have these opportunities often. I travel for business, we have two homes, and sometimes we are not together for whatever reason. It is not like I am having major urges when she is around, and I am just waiting for her to leave. It is not until she is physically gone that I have the urges and they are overwhelming. The Yetzer knows that when we are together he has less of a chance to attack, he waits until I am alone and then strikes. Should I make it a point not to be alone? Any advice is greatly appreciated. I am feeling very dejected this morning.

Re: A Massive fail 08 Aug 2022 10:18 #384436

  • frank.lee
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Amazing that you are using this fall against the yh, to see what you can do better going forward!

I assume this may have crossed your mind, but what about getting good filters for your devices?

Re: A Massive fail 08 Aug 2022 11:17 #384437

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Filters just won't work. I have my work computer at home that is controlled by the business. I have my own computer, my cellphone, my iPad I have tried filters before but always found an easy way around them. I am considering just getting rid of everything except my work computer. I could manage with a filtered basic phone, and I don't really NEED a smartphone, iPad, or personal computer. It is convenient for many things, but the downside is too great. I could use the work computer for anything that I truly need a computer for.

I can't watch porn on the work computer, but there are many other "triggers" on the internet that wouldn't be noticed by the IT department, so I am not sure what to do with that.

Re: A Massive fail 08 Aug 2022 12:14 #384438

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What an honest post. Yashar Koach for posting this.
I can only relate from my own experience and hope this will help. About 10 years ago i went on a holiday just me and my wife. I had just got a new phone which had an internet browser. Funnily enough until then the phone had never been an issue it was always the computer. What happened was i fell whilst on holiday (don't need to spell out the fall). I felt so low.. but it led to something amazing. I took out the sim card and threw the phone in the bin in the country I was in. I told my wife I lost my phone (Hashem please forgive my lie) and have only ever had a TAG phone since. It was the best move i ever did. I also don't have access to my home computer i don't know the password to login or even turn it on. We have a filter too and also webchaver. Even with all this i still fall sometimes on the computer and i know i need to implement further changes. But to be in an environment for me where i have full access to a phone and computer would give me no chance whatsoever.. 

In security its all about layers.. how many doors/people does a burglar need to get past Chas Veshalom in order to commit his atrocity.. the same applies with this.. the more layers you have the more chance you are giving for yourself to succeed. 

There is much more to be said and lots of positives to put in, as well as a list of healthy lifestyle changes.. but I would say the first thing is to put some distance between you and the internet. The fact that you went 5 days is really positive and shows you can do it.. 

Wishing you much Hatzlacha and BH you should be matzliach!

Re: A Massive fail 08 Aug 2022 13:56 #384440

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Thank you for the thoughtful reply. While the 5 days was great, it was also a time that I was completely disgusted with my actions and was excited about what GYE had to offer. The problem began to resurface in earnest about day 3, as the novelty and shame began to dissipate. I hung on for two more days and those are the days of which I was proudest. 
After this last weekend, I feel that I am lower than when I started, and the shame and disgust that I feel right now should get me through the next few days at least. If I can get to day 6 or beyond, that will be amazing.

I know that I need to build walls/doors/locks to the internet. that is where all my problems stem from. I have never cheated on my wife or been with a prostitute. Getting rid of my smartphone would help a great deal, but it is not practical in my life. I can and will get rid of my computer and iPad. 

What I have to done is fill my time with Torah and learning. I do not live in a frum area and have not been very observant in my life. I am surrounded by filth and have swam in its dirty waters for decades. I need to live a much more observant life in every aspect. I know what to do, I just can't seem to do it.. I am not giving up... What choice do I have??

Thanks for letting me ramble

Re: A Massive fail 08 Aug 2022 14:00 #384441

  • YidFromMonsey
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Hello Hopeful2022,

From the way you describe this past weekend "it was a fall after fall after fall. I gave away the entire weekend. I was using the computer on Shabbos, I didn't fast Sunday, It was a lost weekend of disgusting behavior" sounds like your not just falling whenever your wife is away, but you get pulled in on an extremely obsessive level, falling when the wife is away is one thing, falling again and again and again all thru out 3 days sounds like a whole new level of simply never getting enough and needing more and more.

I might have totally misread your post, but if there is some truth to what I'm pointing out, you might be dealing with addiction, part of the recipe of addiction is an abnormal craving that never gets satisfied, perhaps you want to take a look at the 12 steps of SA or another S related 12 steps fellowship that deal with sex/lust addiction.

wishing you all the best  
You're better than yesterday but not as good as you're gonna be tomorrow. - Harvey

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Re: A Massive fail 08 Aug 2022 14:37 #384443

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Hopeful2022 wrote on 08 Aug 2022 11:17:
Filters just won't work. I have my work computer at home that is controlled by the business. I have my own computer, my cellphone, my iPad I have tried filters before but always found an easy way around them. I am considering just getting rid of everything except my work computer. I could manage with a filtered basic phone, and I don't really NEED a smartphone, iPad, or personal computer. It is convenient for many things, but the downside is too great. I could use the work computer for anything that I truly need a computer for.

I can't watch porn on the work computer, but there are many other "triggers" on the internet that wouldn't be noticed by the IT department, so I am not sure what to do with that.

It seems like you're dealing with something that's too much to work thru on your own. Real life accountability works wonders. I would recommend that you reach out to our great mentor "Hashem Help Me" you can email him at michelgelner@gmail.com ...
Hashem should help you and all of us!
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com
Last Edit: 08 Aug 2022 14:37 by DavidT.

Re: A Massive fail 08 Aug 2022 14:47 #384444

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She was away all weekend.  I was alone from Friday until this morning. When she is around, I have much fewer urges and ultimately falls. That is why I fell multiple times. I hope that makes sense.

It is being alone, is where I get into trouble
Thanks for reaching out 

Re: A Massive fail 08 Aug 2022 17:43 #384467

  • Vehkam
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The good news is that you are still here and haven't given up. The Yetzer hara is very good at his job. He has chipped away at your resistance over time. There is no need for the urges to be there when your wife is around, since he knows he will be able to push you much further when you are alone.

In my opinion, you need to have a heart to heart talk with another human. someone that will understand your struggle and not judge you. But you need to be able to articulate to a person with full honesty what it is that you really want and what you think you need to do to get there. This can be a friend, a mentor or a therapist. That person can be objective and help you plan. This will also help you feel more accountable. Trying harder is not the answer here.

when i was drowning in the forbidden world, there were many things that were affected. It was not just sex related. slowly over a long period of time, my davening, learning and kashrus all went down the drain. While i never crossed the shabbos line, the temptations were definitely growing. Once the yetzer hara convinces you that you are hopeless it becomes easy to continue to cross more lines.

I cannot say for sure what the plan of action for you should be, but i can tell you from my experiences that it took many years to fall to the very low level that i was at, but it took only a few months for me to be confident that i was a good person headed in the right direction. I could not have done it without outside help
vehkam7@gmail.com

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some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me.  This is ok.  I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves.  If you do realize that you  know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.

Re: A Massive fail 08 Aug 2022 19:29 #384474

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It seems from what you wrote that your wife leaving is not only just an opportunity to fall but also a big trigger in it of itself. I found myself in a similar situation, I am in a yeshivah with a lot of very good old friends and whenever they would leave to go shopping or hang out without me I would always fall. I talked to my therapist and he asked me what I felt when they left, I said "I don't know I never thought about it". The next time they left I thought "what am I feeling?" I realized that I was feeling rejected because they left without me, and then I would turn to porn as my way of being accepted without having any fear of rejection. The way you wrote about it reminded me of my own situation but I don't know if there is any similarity between the two in reality. Hatzlacha and stay hopeful! 

Re: A Massive fail 08 Aug 2022 23:28 #384487

  • frank.lee
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Wow, forging on, great insight!!

Re: A Massive fail 11 Aug 2022 00:07 #384589

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Hatzlacha my brother, you are searching for the right path and with Hashem's help you'll find it!

Re: A Massive fail 25 Aug 2022 10:08 #385144

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Back and forth.. a good day then a bad day. I am on day two again, after a fall the other day. Today is going to be a challenge. I am alone all day with a computer and iPhone. I would be so proud if I could get through this day. If I do, I feel that this will launch me into a good long streak. This may be the test HaShem has put in front of me to pass.

Maybe after today, I will get rid of the iPhone forever!!

Wish me luck

Re: A Massive fail 25 Aug 2022 15:51 #385149

  • Dave M
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Hopeful2022 wrote on 25 Aug 2022 10:08:
Back and forth.. a good day then a bad day. I am on day two again, after a fall the other day. Today is going to be a challenge. I am alone all day with a computer and iPhone. I would be so proud if I could get through this day. If I do, I feel that this will launch me into a good long streak. This may be the test HaShem has put in front of me to pass.

Maybe after today, I will get rid of the iPhone forever!!

Wish me luck

If you feel this is a pivotal point in your journey, maybe post a few time through out the day to help create accountability?  I'm davening for your success.  You got this!

Re: A Massive fail 28 Aug 2022 10:23 #385207

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It has been a few days since posting, and feeling great. On day five now and hoping and expecting a great day. One issue that I am hoping for a little guidance. I was texting with someone the other day, and he said he was having a tough day, and we exchanged a few messages back and forth. Then he immediately went to ask me to send pictures of my wife and children and asked me what kind of porn I was "into." In the real world, I would have just stopped and blocked him, but I understand that we all struggle with this stuff, and I just told him that I would never do that and that he shouldn't be asking. Back and forth we went, and his probing questions triggered me a little, and the conversation started going in the wrong direction. I then said for him to stop it, and when he didn't, I ended the conversation.

I almost felt bad for him, that he chose this place to feed his addiction. But I am nowhere near strong enough to be able to let him vent on me. The next morning I logged on and found that I could no longer use the texting program. I can only assume that the admins read the conversation and blocked us both. 

Has that happened to anyone or have they heard of people using our weakness to feed their own addiction? Any advice would be greatly appreciated 
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