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Giving a Genuine Try
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: Giving a Genuine Try 4109 Views

Giving a Genuine Try 26 Oct 2021 14:12 #373606

  • omekhadavar
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Hi everyone,
This is my first time posting here. I'm going to try and keep it up. The goal is to get to 90 days for the first time. Currently, this is my third day clean. I don't have an issue with pornography, I rarely view it. However, I do have an issue with being mz"l, which is usually caused by seeing inappropriate pictures etc. 
I've been thinking of ways to remove triggers. I plan on purchasing a basic phone soon, so I hope that will remove help in removing many triggers. Also, I currently have web chaver on my computer, but I plan on getting a filter as well, so I don't see any triggers by accident. Another one of my main problems is when I'm not occupied and end up surfing the web. This almost always leading to me being mz"l when no one is around. I would like to make a neder for at least 20 days not to use the internet unnecessarily, but I'm not sure how to phrase it. Advice would be appreciated. 
-Dvar Ha'emek
“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.”
-Charlie Brown

Re: Giving a Genuine Try 26 Oct 2021 14:31 #373607

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Welcome! 
We hope you'll stick around and keep us posted on your great progress IY"H!
----------------------

Here is an example of a vow that we helped someone set up. 

"I swear for one month that if I am intentionally motzi zera livatala while fully awake, or if I intentionally obtain adult sexual material of any sort, digital or printed (i.e. DVDs or Magazines), or if I intentionally go to - or search for - any websites or web pages, pictures, videos, chats or forums, for the purpose of viewing adult content or messages , then I will donate $500 to GYE and tell _______ (a close friend) what I have done, for each day on which I do any one - or more - of these things. If I forget that I made this Shvuah and do one of these things, I will only donate $100."

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com
Last Edit: 26 Oct 2021 14:32 by DavidT.

Re: Giving a Genuine Try 26 Oct 2021 17:27 #373611

  • Striving Avreich
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Why does GYE recommend making Shevuos at the outset?

Re: Giving a Genuine Try 26 Oct 2021 17:31 #373612

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Striving Avreich wrote on 26 Oct 2021 17:27:
Why does GYE recommend making Shevuos at the outset?

They don't. 

omekhadavar asked​ for advice  "I would like to make a neder for at least 20 days not to use the internet unnecessarily, but I'm not sure how to phrase it. Advice would be appreciated." 

-----------------------------

Normally making vows is frowned upon by our sages as with someone playing with fire, but when it comes to girding oneself from this temptation, we find that making vows is praised by the Torah and by Chazal, as the Mishna says in Pirkei Avos: “Nedarim siyag la’prishus – Nedarim are a fence for abstinence ”. And as the Pasuk says, "Nishbati Va'akayeima, lishmor Mishpatei Tzidkecha - I have vowed and will uphold it, to guard your righteous laws". And also it says "Nishba Lehora Velo Yamir - oseh eileh lo yimot le'olam - He who swears to prevent bad and does not nullify... he will never falter". And Chaza"l also say that Bo'az swore to guard himself from transgressing when Ruth came to him in the silo at night, as it says "Chai Hashem, Shichvi ad haboker - In the name of G-d, lay here until morning".

However, as important and helpful as vows can be in fighting addiction, they are also spiritually dangerous. The addiction is very often more powerful than vows. Therefore, it is vital that we learn how to make vows in a way that will work and be spiritually safe. Instead of fighting the addiction head-on through the vows, we can make vows that will help us "walk around" the addiction. Do not make a make vow that you will not act-out or look at inappropriate material. Many addicts have tried this and failed miserably, because when under a lust attack it is very hard for our yiras shamayim to stop us. Rather, we can make a vow (for just a week at first) that before we give in, we will first have to do a list of things. For example:

I swear - for one week - that before I ammotzi zera livatala I will do two things: (1) call a friend or family member and shmuz for at least 5 minutes and (2) take a 15 minute walk.

Alternatively, we can make a vow that if we give in we will have to do something after we fall, for example:


  • go to the Mikva
  • take a half hour walk
  • give a donation to Tzedaka.
  • do 100 pushups
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com

Re: Giving a Genuine Try 26 Oct 2021 17:34 #373613

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Striving Avreich wrote on 26 Oct 2021 17:27:
Why does GYE recommend making Shevuos at the outset?

GYE offers a lot of tools. 
Many of us like to jump to the easiest, as our new friend has asked about…

Will it work for him? Gd knows
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Re: Giving a Genuine Try 27 Oct 2021 03:26 #373625

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Day #3
Today was fairly easy (probably because it's the beginning and still new). I'm not fooling myself, taiva will start a few days from now. I did research into getting a basic phone (found one for around $100). I plan on ordering it within the next week. I didn't make my neder yet. Still not sure if I want to make a neder on being mz"l also, or just for using technology for nonessential reasons. Any advice on this? I'm going to decide by tomorrow because I need to have the gedarim set up before the taiva starts. I bought a book to keep me occupied during my free time. Overall, it was an accomplishing day. I learned two full sedarim and only came late to night seder. Although, I almost slept through the entire Shachris. I need to work on getting up early to make it to minyan. Tomorrow should be better. Be'ezras Hashem things will continue like this for the time being.
Signing off for the night,
-Dvar Ha'emek
“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.”
-Charlie Brown

Re: Giving a Genuine Try 28 Oct 2021 03:48 #373653

  • omekhadavar
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Day #4
Hey everyone,
Today was a little worse than yesterday. I showed up late to Shachris again, but earlier than yesterday. Seeing some improvement. I learned first and second seder well. I've been pretty tired over the past few days, so my mind has been wandering. I also had a short problem with histaclus, but I quickly looked away. During the break, I broke one of my gedarim and used the internet to look at a blog. I need to make that neder soon, to avoid any more pitfalls. I had a few urges then as well, luckily I was able to push them off. Later in the day, I was eating dinner and a friend came into my room and wanted to show me a YouTube video. I was resistant at first, but eventually, he broke me down and we watched a few videos. I feel a little guilty, but I don't know what I'm supposed to say. I don't want to tell him why I'm not using the internet for entertainment purposes. Any advice? I made it to night seder, but I didn't learn so much since I was very tired, just ended up listening to a shiur on my recorder instead. 
I need to get my gedarim in place. I'm taking upon myself to have my nedarim in place before Shabbos this week.
“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.”
-Charlie Brown

Re: Giving a Genuine Try 28 Oct 2021 05:53 #373655

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omekhadavar wrote on 28 Oct 2021 03:48:
Day #4
Hey everyone,
Today was a little worse than yesterday. I showed up late to Shachris again, but earlier than yesterday. Seeing some improvement. I learned first and second seder well. I've been pretty tired over the past few days, so my mind has been wandering. I also had a short problem with histaclus, but I quickly looked away. During the break, I broke one of my gedarim and used the internet to look at a blog. I need to make that neder soon, to avoid any more pitfalls. I had a few urges then as well, luckily I was able to push them off. Later in the day, I was eating dinner and a friend came into my room and wanted to show me a YouTube video. I was resistant at first, but eventually, he broke me down and we watched a few videos. I feel a little guilty, but I don't know what I'm supposed to say. I don't want to tell him why I'm not using the internet for entertainment purposes. Any advice? I made it to night seder, but I didn't learn so much since I was very tired, just ended up listening to a shiur on my recorder instead. 
I need to get my gedarim in place. I'm taking upon myself to have my nedarim in place before Shabbos this week.

Welcome

I don't have time now to give you a lengthy welcome/chizzuk post but I feel the need to give a bit of mussar. Sorry


STOP FEELING GUILTY! 

It's quite unrealistic to stop everything at once so at least when a friend convinces you to break a geder, resist it. Try your best not to cave in. And then be proud of how hard you tried. Even if you broke on the end

As an aside, what is embarrassing about not using the Internet for entertainment? There are so many undesirable aspects of such a habit, it is surely worth having some kind of limits in place just to stay sane and more in control of your life

For most of us, the best way forward is to focus on the small triggers like shmiras einayim and appreciate the small victories

We have to push ourselves. A lot. And later, don't look back and feel guilty. Rather do as you describe later that you are using this experience to help you grow, to push yourself to get the next geder into place 

Hatzlocho 
The start of 'STARting' is 'star'. Just start and you're a star!!

'the cleaner I stay, the cleaner I stay' - AlexEliezer
העבר עיני מראות שוא, בדרכך חינו (תהלים קיט, לז)
PM me for my phone number

Re: Giving a Genuine Try 28 Oct 2021 11:16 #373656

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Welcome tzaddik. Very wise to join GYE and post. You will iyh get chizuk and advice here. 

From your writing you sound like someone that does many good things throughout the day. However you are judging yourself (and beating yourself up) by an action that is an old habit that was learned at a younger age. Don't do that. Why Hashem gave our generation this matzav - of guys learning to view inappropriate and triggering images and then masturbating - at an age where the severity of the aveira and the habit forming behaviors are not really known or understood, is only known to Him. How we deal with this is obviously our job. Step one is to recognize that you are not a rasha or a loser. Hashem has immense nachas from your efforts now, as a mature adult, to break free. Iyh by staying here you will rewire your thinking about yourself, about sexuality, and about your relationship with Hashem. Hatzlocha buddy.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Giving a Genuine Try 28 Oct 2021 12:42 #373658

omekhadavar wrote on 28 Oct 2021 03:48:
Day #4
Hey everyone,
Today was a little worse than yesterday. I showed up late to Shachris again, but earlier than yesterday. Seeing some improvement. I learned first and second seder well. I've been pretty tired over the past few days, so my mind has been wandering. I also had a short problem with histaclus, but I quickly looked away. During the break, I broke one of my gedarim and used the internet to look at a blog. I need to make that neder soon, to avoid any more pitfalls. I had a few urges then as well, luckily I was able to push them off. Later in the day, I was eating dinner and a friend came into my room and wanted to show me a YouTube video. I was resistant at first, but eventually, he broke me down and we watched a few videos. I feel a little guilty, but I don't know what I'm supposed to say. I don't want to tell him why I'm not using the internet for entertainment purposes. Any advice? I made it to night seder, but I didn't learn so much since I was very tired, just ended up listening to a shiur on my recorder instead. 
I need to get my gedarim in place. I'm taking upon myself to have my nedarim in place before Shabbos this week.

I think you need some positive stuff in your life. All this thinking I should do X, I need to do Y, I failed at Z cannot produce a will to fight long term. You have to be happy. Find something that makes you happy.

Re: Giving a Genuine Try 28 Oct 2021 23:38 #373687

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Thanks!
I happened to have recently picked up reading as a hobby. I started out reading fiction books (as I prefer them to nonfiction), but they ALL had some sort of znus in them. So I switched to books that are written for high schoolers, hoping that they would be cleaner. However, I found actual znus in the book. It's ridiculous! I don't understand how someone can put that stuff in books intended for kids. I just switched to non-fiction. So far the book is interesting and clean.
Does anyone have any recommendations?
“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.”
-Charlie Brown
Last Edit: 28 Dec 2021 15:15 by omekhadavar.

Re: Giving a Genuine Try 29 Oct 2021 04:29 #373697

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Welcome! You seem to be quite motivated to stop acting out, and you have high Hasagos for yourself in general - both in regard to Shmiras Einayim and Yiddishkeit in general. That's pretty incredible and worthy of feeling good about in it's own right. 
Can you share a bit of your story? Have you been fighting this for a long time? What has worked for you and what hasn't?
אין הדבר תלוי אלא בי
אלמלא הקב"ה עוזרו לא יכול לו
זרע אברהם אוהבי

Re: Giving a Genuine Try 29 Oct 2021 05:54 #373698

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Welcome to the club!

keep posting and stay connected. With Hashems help you will see success.

One who has given up hope is without a G‑d.

One who sees hope in each day is already free

Re: Giving a Genuine Try 29 Oct 2021 11:16 #373702

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Biographies produced by frum publishers have the added plus of being inspiring and reminding you that you are from the am hanivchar. Many recent publications are excellent and out of the box fascinating. Enjoy them while staying clean.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Giving a Genuine Try 29 Oct 2021 11:58 #373705

omekhadavar wrote on 26 Oct 2021 14:12:
Hi everyone,
This is my first time posting here. I'm going to try and keep it up. The goal is to get to 90 days for the first time. Currently, this is my third day clean. I don't have an issue with pornography, I rarely view it. However, I do have an issue with being mz"l, which is usually caused by seeing inappropriate pictures etc. 
I've been thinking of ways to remove triggers. I plan on purchasing a basic phone soon, so I hope that will remove help in removing many triggers. Also, I currently have web chaver on my computer, but I plan on getting a filter as well, so I don't see any triggers by accident. Another one of my main problems is when I'm not occupied and end up surfing the web. This almost always leading to me being mz"l when no one is around. I would like to make a neder for at least 20 days not to use the internet unnecessarily, but I'm not sure how to phrase it. Advice would be appreciated. 
-Dvar Ha'emek

What is a "necessary" use of the internet for someone in your particular situation?

Also, I was thinking that maybe you davka masturbate when there is no one around because deep down subconsciously you feel nobody is there to protect you and keep you company and you don't feel safe. It's a hard concept to relate to for an adult. So I was thinking that if you call some people regularly and tell them the details of your lust etc. then you may feel like you are not really alone even when you are. Then you won't need to make a neder.

And eventually the goal should be to feel like Hashem is there with you always, even when you are masturbating, so that you won't want to do it.
Last Edit: 29 Oct 2021 13:12 by anonymous.lost.everything.
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