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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!
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TOPIC: Day 0 199 Views

Day 0 06 Sep 2021 20:32 #372257

  • Dust2Dust
  • Current streak: 3 days
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Hi all,
I went back on GYE yesterday and fell after 40 hours. How can I get more serious about this fight. I feel constant stress from schoolwork, my work in the lab, and other responsibilities, and I'm falling so often -- every other day. I know how to bypass most filters very quickly, which is what happened with the last two filters I spent money on.  This is the worst it has been since 5 years ago, but between then and now I have fallen after 4-7 days. BH, I Have never fallen on Shabbos or Yom Tov, so I know it can be done. I just do not think I have a chance of quitting, having fallen about 700-1000 times in the last 6 years. My parents yell at me every day and there is all this work to do.  I have one friend who is a girl but we never really hang out because we can't find common times and she only wants to hang out when it is at the volunteer location, where she will be volunteering anyway. I am going to do Teshuvah on Rosh Hashana, but will probably just go back to falling. I think Torah will help me but my Dad might scream at me if he walks in and sees me learning since I am not working. My Dad knows about and tries to control every single aspect of my life, and even looks at the messages I send to the girl. To be honest, I voluntarily show him everything and rely on his advice so this is my fault..

I don't want to complain, and I want to have a more positive attitude. Maybe I can quit, and be a holier Jew. Do you guys have any ideas? Should I read Messilat yesharim, try to make friends? Is moving out a good idea? I daven three times a day by myself and go to shul Shabbos and yom tov, keep kosher, and am generally a good Jew except for this area. I just feel stressed about what to do each moment. Thank you for reading this. I hope I will actually make it to 90 days. I kind of dislike learning Torah, and it is just so burdensome, but I think it helps me quit. 
I need to calm down, but is hard where I have so many responsibilities and things to do, and yelling parents. I have not really taken a day off since last Pesach besides for wasting days on Youtube and video games.  This feels good, but I really don't have a chance for 90 days. I will aim for 7 days. how can I do that though when I have to make Teshuva to stop forever?

Re: Day 0 09 Sep 2021 05:20 #372275

  • wilnevergiveup
  • Current streak: 9 days
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Hi D2D, reading through some of your posts it seems like you have a lot going on. Care to share a little more about yourself, approximate age, what you are up to (working? living at home?) and if you are happy with the way your life is set up right now.

It sounds like you can use someone to unload to, someone outside your current circle. I wonder if a phone call to a GYE chaver would do the trick. 

I think it's a good idea to think about what makes you happy and what are some of the things that you want to do or accomplish in the next little while. It seems like you don't really have much time for yourself nor do you give yourself anytime to think or breathe. 

If you are not a teenager anymore, it may be time to start relying less on your father and learning to be more independent. 

I hope this helps.
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Re: Day 0 17 Sep 2021 13:25 #372514

  • retrych
  • Current streak: 201 days
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Without having read your other posts, I also think you do need a new environment. I assume your father wouldn't want you to go to yeshiva, and I wouldn't suggest college, but can you get a job in a different environment? Find someone to learn with, outside home, who can make it feel enjoyable? You do sound really busy, maybe find a speaker you enjoy  on TorahAnytime or wherever to listen to while you work? Can you explain your situationa little more?
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