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My seemingly endless and dark journey
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!
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TOPIC: My seemingly endless and dark journey 822 Views

Re: My seemingly endless and dark journey 08 Jul 2021 04:50 #370606

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sleepy wrote on 07 Jul 2021 15:33:

Tired of falling wrote on 04 Jul 2021 22:36:
Hi 
I should post everyday about my struggle until if I ever make it to 90 days. 
please give me advice everyday on my journey, I really appreciate it.

my plan was to read recommend books in Gye and read through the forum before sleeping each night. 
And I also took upon myself maybe 2years ago to take cold showers every night (plus after falling). If I remember correctly it helped me in the beginning but as time went by my body got used to it and it cold water isn’t hard for me anymore. Also the taphsic method doesn’t work for me.

I’ve been struggling for 5 years.
I can’t survive a week.
I fell after 4 days clean.
It just doesn’t make sense. Because of the struggle in this area it made it very hard for me to get up out of bed for Shacharit. I used to daven at the last moment. Or even miss it completely sometimes. I’ve been reading over the forum for weeks now. And last week I made myself a plan. Because I noticed that most of the time I fall because I can’t sleep either because of noise or just can’t, I wrote that I would get up and learn Gemara. Last night I had an urge but was too tired to leave bed so I slept it over and was clean. And BH this morning I woke up and got out of bed in time. I Davened Shacharit did my learning after it (parasha with pituchei chotam, then Navi then messilat yesharim then kuzari). My learning took 2.5 hours. Had lunch and watched a shiur on messilat yesharim. Usually after all of that is my free time to see if I need to go shopping or anywhere else since I normally learn Gemara when I get back then halachot after mincha then I have a shiur after maariv. But because I also have another bad midda which is anger, I got angry because my family took a long time dressing and they had my dressed early and waiting a long time while they were just talking (and also because I even was worried of bitul Torah). Anyways I let them go without me. My anger didn’t allow me to open my Gemara early.

I fell then around 4:30 central time. I want to share how the yetzer makes me start before I even touch my phone but I think I shouldn’t because it’s graphic. Also when I fell some pages got frozen and I knew that HaShem was helping me not fall further but the yetzer told me that I already slipped so might as well continue. I knew that I should stop and better not fall continue but the yetzer was too strong.

I’m mzl. I have thoughts like I should end my life since if I don’t I think I’m just adding more aveirot to my file.

chazak chazak! im 51, when i was 17 yrs old thoughts like that entered my mind as well, but read a book called dybuk which freaked me out to what happens to someone in gehinom who commits suicide,Bh im married , bunch of kids BH , had a 10 year clean streak from learning musar and saying tehillim and torah and of course guarding my eyes, wishing you loads of hatzlacha! cheer up, youll make it !!

Wow thank you, your words gave me hope. 

Re: My seemingly endless and dark journey 08 Jul 2021 04:52 #370607

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Tired of falling wrote on 08 Jul 2021 04:45:
Day 3!

Keep it up!!
(Sorry I hit the minus karma button by mistake instead of plus; can only change a karma after 6 hours so I'll take care of it then )
Feel free to contact me happyyid613@gmail.com
My thread

Re: My seemingly endless and dark journey 08 Jul 2021 19:55 #370627

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Day 4!!

Re: My seemingly endless and dark journey 11 Jul 2021 05:01 #370678

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Day 6

Shavua Tov

Re: My seemingly endless and dark journey 11 Jul 2021 23:10 #370708

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Day 7
Spent my first time on the ‘flight to freedom program’.

Re: My seemingly endless and dark journey 12 Jul 2021 13:48 #370737

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How was it? What is it like?
In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Great free resources:
My favorite book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation 
https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Change your attitude and change your life!

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: 
https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

If you're only ready to try something small, check out an easier way to do self-talk here:
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/378128-Captain—Shtarkemotionals-Secret90Day-Challenge

Re: My seemingly endless and dark journey 12 Jul 2021 15:59 #370742

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I’m disappointed to let you guys know that I’ve had a fall (after 7 days) last night at midnight. I’m not as depressed as last time I fell though. This time was longer than last time by 3 days I think. Hopefully next time I’ll go longer. 
What led to the fall: 
I really don’t know I learned, read through the forum, and before sleeping I listened to a podcast  and got an urge after it, I was too tired to post on the forum. 

what I should do next time: ask for help no matter how tired I am. And never go to bed if I’m not gonna sleep right away.

Re: My seemingly endless and dark journey 12 Jul 2021 16:03 #370744

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Captain wrote on 12 Jul 2021 13:48:
How was it? What is it like?

It looks very good. You basically have a coach and you  read articles on proven scientific ways on how to break free and you’ll get assignments and homeworks over them. 

Re: My seemingly endless and dark journey 18 Aug 2021 20:07 #371721

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Hey guys I'm back!
sorry I've been very busy (maybe a little lack of enthusiasm too) since the last time.

Day 8 BH (after a long time of struggling to finish just one week).

In the small time I had each day I was on 'flight to freedom' and reading books on the subject. 

kol tuv
Last Edit: 18 Aug 2021 20:07 by Tired of falling.

Re: My seemingly endless and dark journey 22 Aug 2021 18:19 #371803

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Hi chevra, hope everyone is doing fine.
Day 2

I had a fall on Friday noon, because I was on a certain app which offers many student discounts. and there happened to be a very immodest ad. 

I will try to reduce my free time and at least spend it around people.
Last Edit: 22 Aug 2021 18:53 by Kedusha. Reason: Mention of specific app

Re: My seemingly endless and dark journey 24 Aug 2021 20:10 #371863

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Day 4
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