Tired of falling wrote on 04 Jul 2021 22:36:
Hi
I should post everyday about my struggle until if I ever make it to 90 days.
please give me advice everyday on my journey, I really appreciate it.
my plan was to read recommend books in Gye and read through the forum before sleeping each night.
And I also took upon myself maybe 2years ago to take cold showers every night (plus after falling). If I remember correctly it helped me in the beginning but as time went by my body got used to it and it cold water isn’t hard for me anymore. Also the taphsic method doesn’t work for me.
I’ve been struggling for 5 years.
I can’t survive a week.
I fell after 4 days clean.
It just doesn’t make sense. Because of the struggle in this area it made it very hard for me to get up out of bed for Shacharit. I used to daven at the last moment. Or even miss it completely sometimes. I’ve been reading over the forum for weeks now. And last week I made myself a plan. Because I noticed that most of the time I fall because I can’t sleep either because of noise or just can’t, I wrote that I would get up and learn Gemara. Last night I had an urge but was too tired to leave bed so I slept it over and was clean. And BH this morning I woke up and got out of bed in time. I Davened Shacharit did my learning after it (parasha with pituchei chotam, then Navi then messilat yesharim then kuzari). My learning took 2.5 hours. Had lunch and watched a shiur on messilat yesharim. Usually after all of that is my free time to see if I need to go shopping or anywhere else since I normally learn Gemara when I get back then halachot after mincha then I have a shiur after maariv. But because I also have another bad midda which is anger, I got angry because my family took a long time dressing and they had my dressed early and waiting a long time while they were just talking (and also because I even was worried of bitul Torah). Anyways I let them go without me. My anger didn’t allow me to open my Gemara early.
I fell then around 4:30 central time. I want to share how the yetzer makes me start before I even touch my phone but I think I shouldn’t because it’s graphic. Also when I fell some pages got frozen and I knew that HaShem was helping me not fall further but the yetzer told me that I already slipped so might as well continue. I knew that I should stop and better not fall continue but the yetzer was too strong.
I’m mzl. I have thoughts like I should end my life since if I don’t I think I’m just adding more aveirot to my file.
chazak chazak! im 51, when i was 17 yrs old thoughts like that entered my mind as well, but read a book called dybuk which freaked me out to what happens to someone in gehinom who commits suicide,Bh im married , bunch of kids BH , had a 10 year clean streak from learning musar and saying tehillim and torah and of course guarding my eyes, wishing you loads of hatzlacha! cheer up, youll make it !!
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