Welcome, Guest

My seemingly endless and dark journey
(0 viewing) 
Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!
  • Page:
  • 1
  • 2

TOPIC: My seemingly endless and dark journey 823 Views

My seemingly endless and dark journey 04 Jul 2021 22:36 #370482

  • Tired of falling
  • Current streak: 4 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Fresh Boarder
  • Posts: 19
  • Karma: 2
Hi 
I should post everyday about my struggle until if I ever make it to 90 days. 
please give me advice everyday on my journey, I really appreciate it.

my plan was to read recommend books in Gye and read through the forum before sleeping each night. 
And I also took upon myself maybe 2years ago to take cold showers every night (plus after falling). If I remember correctly it helped me in the beginning but as time went by my body got used to it and it cold water isn’t hard for me anymore. Also the taphsic method doesn’t work for me.

I’ve been struggling for 5 years.
I can’t survive a week.
I fell after 4 days clean.
It just doesn’t make sense. Because of the struggle in this area it made it very hard for me to get up out of bed for Shacharit. I used to daven at the last moment. Or even miss it completely sometimes. I’ve been reading over the forum for weeks now. And last week I made myself a plan. Because I noticed that most of the time I fall because I can’t sleep either because of noise or just can’t, I wrote that I would get up and learn Gemara. Last night I had an urge but was too tired to leave bed so I slept it over and was clean. And BH this morning I woke up and got out of bed in time. I Davened Shacharit did my learning after it (parasha with pituchei chotam, then Navi then messilat yesharim then kuzari). My learning took 2.5 hours. Had lunch and watched a shiur on messilat yesharim. Usually after all of that is my free time to see if I need to go shopping or anywhere else since I normally learn Gemara when I get back then halachot after mincha then I have a shiur after maariv. But because I also have another bad midda which is anger, I got angry because my family took a long time dressing and they had my dressed early and waiting a long time while they were just talking (and also because I even was worried of bitul Torah). Anyways I let them go without me. My anger didn’t allow me to open my Gemara early.

I fell then around 4:30 central time. I want to share how the yetzer makes me start before I even touch my phone but I think I shouldn’t because it’s graphic. Also when I fell some pages got frozen and I knew that HaShem was helping me not fall further but the yetzer told me that I already slipped so might as well continue. I knew that I should stop and better not fall continue but the yetzer was too strong.

I’m mzl. I have thoughts like I should end my life since if I don’t I think I’m just adding more aveirot to my file.
Last Edit: 04 Jul 2021 22:53 by Tired of falling.

Re: My seemingly endless and dark journey 05 Jul 2021 01:45 #370490

  • HappyYid
  • Current streak: 74 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 329
  • Karma: 18
Hey there!
Welcome to the family!
So nice to have another member.

I don't have much to say right now, just wanted to say hi.

Good luck!
Keep us posted.
Feel free to contact me happyyid613@gmail.com
My thread

Re: My seemingly endless and dark journey 05 Jul 2021 09:13 #370495

  • Zedj
  • Current streak: 15 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 542
  • Karma: 42
 I have thoughts like I should end my life since if I don’t I think I’m just adding more aveirot to my file.

It says "bishvili nivra ha'olom" (for me Hashem created the world)

I think it's important to realize Hashem is a loving father and would not give us a challenge we could not overcome. 

Everyday we come across obstacles and when we overcome that obstacle there is a massive uproar on shomayim celebrating your victory.

Its obvious your frustrated but your challenge is yours to overcome...and you can! 

Granted it takes work and sometimes may be daunting but taking it " one day at a time" and "one struggle at a time" is a great tool to get ahead of ourselves. 

Have you spoken to anyone about your struggle?

welcome and wishing you much Hatzlocha!

One who has given up hope is without a G‑d.

One who sees hope in each day is already free

Re: My seemingly endless and dark journey 05 Jul 2021 10:31 #370496

  • BeVeryStrong
  • Current streak: 70 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Junior Boarder
  • Posts: 31
  • Karma: 5
Hashem gives you life because he believes in you. And so should you
Many times in life it may look so dark without seeing how you'll ever be helped. But looking back we can see that problems we had years ago have been solved or are not so bad as they looked at the time of darkness. 
Welcome to GYE and should you be Zoche to many good days ahead iyh
BeVeryStrong 

Re: My seemingly endless and dark journey 05 Jul 2021 14:08 #370504

  • Captain
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 467
  • Karma: 25
Welcome! Why don't you check out Rabbi Shafier's audio series The Fight (link is below in my signature). And he has a lot of great shiurim about practical topics, middos, and so much more. They are very clear and practical and full of wisdom. (His website is www.TheShmuz.com or you can download The Shmuz app.)
In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Great free resources:
My favorite book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation 
https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Change your attitude and change your life!

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: 
https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

If you're only ready to try something small, check out an easier way to do self-talk here:
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/378128-Captain—Shtarkemotionals-Secret90Day-Challenge

Re: My seemingly endless and dark journey 05 Jul 2021 14:27 #370505

  • DavidT
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 1315
  • Karma: 90
We're happy to have another great member with us!

This is a very important point from the Steipler Gaon:

Even if you fall often, don't underestimate the tremendous zechus of each success. If one succeeds in overcoming his burning desire, the amount of holiness that he brings upon himself and the spiritual words is tremendous, like Yosef Hatzadik. It also repairs much of the spiritual damage caused by previous falls. Over time, he'll be able to undo all the spiritual damage he has caused.

Please stay connected and keep us posted on your great journey!
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com

Re: My seemingly endless and dark journey 05 Jul 2021 17:43 #370511

  • Tired of falling
  • Current streak: 4 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Fresh Boarder
  • Posts: 19
  • Karma: 2
Zedj wrote on 05 Jul 2021 09:13:


 I have thoughts like I should end my life since if I don’t I think I’m just adding more aveirot to my file.

It says "bishvili nivra ha'olom" (for me Hashem created the world)

I think it's important to realize Hashem is a loving father and would not give us a challenge we could not overcome. 

Everyday we come across obstacles and when we overcome that obstacle there is a massive uproar on shomayim celebrating your victory.

Its obvious your frustrated but your challenge is yours to overcome...and you can! 

Granted it takes work and sometimes may be daunting but taking it " one day at a time" and "one struggle at a time" is a great tool to get ahead of ourselves. 

Have you spoken to anyone about your struggle?

welcome and wishing you much Hatzlocha!

Thanks for the encouraging and kind words. 
to be honest when I typed this post  it gave me a great relief. I guess talking about it does indeed help. 

I like the idea of taking it one day at a time but once the yetzer comes to me it’s like I have a memory loss. I don’t remember to take it a day at a time or any of my other plans. It’s just happens so fast and before I know it I fall. 
guess I just need to be prepared and get here more often..

Re: My seemingly endless and dark journey 05 Jul 2021 17:52 #370512

  • Tired of falling
  • Current streak: 4 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Fresh Boarder
  • Posts: 19
  • Karma: 2
BeVeryStrong wrote on 05 Jul 2021 10:31:
Hashem gives you life because he believes in you. And so should you
Many times in life it may look so dark without seeing how you'll ever be helped. But looking back we can see that problems we had years ago have been solved or are not so bad as they looked at the time of darkness. 
Welcome to GYE and should you be Zoche to many good days ahead iyh
BeVeryStrong 

Thank you
but  when I look back on all the problems I had, non of them got even close to the time of the struggle that I’m having.
Last Edit: 05 Jul 2021 17:52 by Tired of falling.

Re: My seemingly endless and dark journey 05 Jul 2021 17:56 #370513

  • Tired of falling
  • Current streak: 4 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Fresh Boarder
  • Posts: 19
  • Karma: 2
Captain wrote on 05 Jul 2021 14:08:
Welcome! Why don't you check out Rabbi Shafier's audio series The Fight (link is below in my signature). And he has a lot of great shiurim about practical topics, middos, and so much more. They are very clear and practical and full of wisdom. (His website is www.TheShmuz.com or you can download The Shmuz app.)

Thanks captain
I’m planning on making time daily to listen to them. I realized that part of my triggers are my negative middot. I think if I work and eventually eliminate them, my journey should get easier. 

Re: My seemingly endless and dark journey 05 Jul 2021 22:52 #370520

  • Tired of falling
  • Current streak: 4 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Fresh Boarder
  • Posts: 19
  • Karma: 2
Hi guys 
1 Day of 90
yesterday after the fall I had a very hard time understanding Gemara, it was horrible. But it was good today BH. 
what I accomplished today: 
1) did my daily learning
2) listening to 'the fight' podcast by the shmuz. 
3) and registered for the second course of 'flight to freedom' program. 

goal: continue #s 1 and 2 plus always reading or listening to some kind of chizuk on this subject early in the morning, any free time I have on hand, and before bed. 

I appreciate all of you guys. 

Re: My seemingly endless and dark journey 06 Jul 2021 14:05 #370535

  • Captain
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 467
  • Karma: 25
If you like reading, you can check out The Battle of the Generation (link below)
In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Great free resources:
My favorite book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation 
https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Change your attitude and change your life!

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: 
https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

If you're only ready to try something small, check out an easier way to do self-talk here:
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/378128-Captain—Shtarkemotionals-Secret90Day-Challenge

Re: My seemingly endless and dark journey 06 Jul 2021 16:20 #370540

  • Tired of falling
  • Current streak: 4 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Fresh Boarder
  • Posts: 19
  • Karma: 2
Hi guys I would like to share something I found to be of chizuk in my learning this morning. 

​1) the Kli Yakar notes that in shoftim perek 6, when an angel came to Gideon to tell him to save Am Yisrael from the midianites, he didn't believe in himself (how could he being the youngest of a minor family could rally the whole nation against such a powerful enemy?) and that's what he notes: these doubts had to be removed before Gideon could succeed, because the more an agent believes believes in himself and the one who sent him, the more he will identify with the mission and gain the strength to accomplish it. (copied from the artscroll shoftim- rubin ed)

Re: My seemingly endless and dark journey 06 Jul 2021 21:52 #370545

  • Tired of falling
  • Current streak: 4 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Fresh Boarder
  • Posts: 19
  • Karma: 2
Day 2

Re: My seemingly endless and dark journey 07 Jul 2021 15:33 #370565

  • sleepy
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 1328
  • Karma: -41
Tired of falling wrote on 04 Jul 2021 22:36:
Hi 
I should post everyday about my struggle until if I ever make it to 90 days. 
please give me advice everyday on my journey, I really appreciate it.

my plan was to read recommend books in Gye and read through the forum before sleeping each night. 
And I also took upon myself maybe 2years ago to take cold showers every night (plus after falling). If I remember correctly it helped me in the beginning but as time went by my body got used to it and it cold water isn’t hard for me anymore. Also the taphsic method doesn’t work for me.

I’ve been struggling for 5 years.
I can’t survive a week.
I fell after 4 days clean.
It just doesn’t make sense. Because of the struggle in this area it made it very hard for me to get up out of bed for Shacharit. I used to daven at the last moment. Or even miss it completely sometimes. I’ve been reading over the forum for weeks now. And last week I made myself a plan. Because I noticed that most of the time I fall because I can’t sleep either because of noise or just can’t, I wrote that I would get up and learn Gemara. Last night I had an urge but was too tired to leave bed so I slept it over and was clean. And BH this morning I woke up and got out of bed in time. I Davened Shacharit did my learning after it (parasha with pituchei chotam, then Navi then messilat yesharim then kuzari). My learning took 2.5 hours. Had lunch and watched a shiur on messilat yesharim. Usually after all of that is my free time to see if I need to go shopping or anywhere else since I normally learn Gemara when I get back then halachot after mincha then I have a shiur after maariv. But because I also have another bad midda which is anger, I got angry because my family took a long time dressing and they had my dressed early and waiting a long time while they were just talking (and also because I even was worried of bitul Torah). Anyways I let them go without me. My anger didn’t allow me to open my Gemara early.

I fell then around 4:30 central time. I want to share how the yetzer makes me start before I even touch my phone but I think I shouldn’t because it’s graphic. Also when I fell some pages got frozen and I knew that HaShem was helping me not fall further but the yetzer told me that I already slipped so might as well continue. I knew that I should stop and better not fall continue but the yetzer was too strong.

I’m mzl. I have thoughts like I should end my life since if I don’t I think I’m just adding more aveirot to my file.

chazak chazak! im 51, when i was 17 yrs old thoughts like that entered my mind as well, but read a book called dybuk which freaked me out to what happens to someone in gehinom who commits suicide,Bh im married , bunch of kids BH , had a 10 year clean streak from learning musar and saying tehillim and torah and of course guarding my eyes, wishing you loads of hatzlacha! cheer up, youll make it !!
For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post
Last Edit: 07 Jul 2021 15:35 by sleepy.

Re: My seemingly endless and dark journey 08 Jul 2021 04:45 #370605

  • Tired of falling
  • Current streak: 4 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Fresh Boarder
  • Posts: 19
  • Karma: 2
Day 3!
  • Page:
  • 1
  • 2
Time to create page: 0.62 seconds

Are you sure?

Yes