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Time to get serious
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: Time to get serious 898 Views

Re: Time to get serious 17 Jun 2021 12:05 #369966

  • HappyYid
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soaring high wrote on 16 Jun 2021 17:52:
Bh counting day 5, I hope this accountability thing will work for me even while staying anonymous, today I open my phone and there is a real bad picture sent to me there is no way (that I know of) to block it, I can block calls but I don't think that I can block texts, so I did look at it for a extra few seconds till I deleted it.

Not sure what type of phone you have, but on an iPhone, if you block a number, it blocks calls and messages. 
If you have a different smartphone, I'm sure if you do some research you'll find an app that could block the texts...
If you have a basic phone (great!) But I doubt there is a way to block text.
Feel free to contact me happyyid613@gmail.com
My thread

Re: Time to get serious 18 Jun 2021 03:28 #369988

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HappyYid wrote on 17 Jun 2021 12:05:

soaring high wrote on 16 Jun 2021 17:52:
Bh counting day 5, I hope this accountability thing will work for me even while staying anonymous, today I open my phone and there is a real bad picture sent to me there is no way (that I know of) to block it, I can block calls but I don't think that I can block texts, so I did look at it for a extra few seconds till I deleted it.


Not sure what type of phone you have, but on an iPhone, if you block a number, it blocks calls and messages. 
If you have a different smartphone, I'm sure if you do some research you'll find an app that could block the texts...
If you have a basic phone (great!) But I doubt there is a way to block text.

thank you for responding, but i do have a basic phone (one of those few ), so i guess there's something more kosher about the smart phones

Re: Time to get serious 18 Jun 2021 03:45 #369990

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Sapy wrote on 16 Jun 2021 23:09:

soaring high wrote on 16 Jun 2021 17:52:
Bh counting day 5, I hope this accountability thing will work for me even while staying anonymous, today I open my phone and there is a real bad picture sent to me there is no way (that I know of) to block it, I can block calls but I don't think that I can block texts, so I did look at it for a extra few seconds till I deleted it.
I don't wanna sound interesting, but I wanna share what's going on, on the outside I look like a popular outgoing pumpy fellow, the problem is that I feel so isolated, I don't really feel like I connect well with people (even or maybe especially family, but that's a long topic), I think that part of my problem is that I can't be vulnerable to anyone, I always wanna give off the impression that I am a perfect guy, and maybe even that i'm better than anyone else, (therefor even with my wife I don't feel like were in a deep connection because everything is always "great" by me)
I know that were not meant to be perfect and all that, were humans not angels, but the problem is that I still wanna convince others (and myself) that I am a sort of angel, I don't know if that's the only reason why I feel isolated, but I do think that it's deff. a big part of it, so I don't know if I can get help by writing this out but atleast it's something that anonymously I could be somewhat vulnerable,
From the soarar climbing high,
soaring high

I dont remember if I had a chance to welcome you, so first, Wecome aboard! 
its amazing that you are aware that you are isolated and that especially your awareness that your trying to convince yourself that you are an angel, and that it's not true... 
may i ask why do you wanna be an angel? What's pushing you to wanna convince yourself that you are an angel what wrong with something less then that? 
the issue with just being happy as an angel is that life keeps in proving you wrong, your inevitability going to get disappointed time and time again, because nobody is an angel and everybody has shortcomings. And if you only accept yourself as an angel you wont really be able to live with yourself, and for many that leads to acting out as an escape. 
I would suggest you to check out excellence thread, where he speaks in great detail and very clear about this.
Hope to see you around!

Thank you r' sapy for your warm welcome!, and thanx for sending me to excellence thread it's really amazing.

so why do i want people to think of me as mr. perfect? great question, i guess u can say that i'm going for tayvah and kovod together, (i guess that i have kinah as well from all the guys who have their life together)!

from the saorar that's finishing day 6!

Re: Time to get serious 18 Jun 2021 04:05 #369991

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i have a question for you guys, do any of you know of anyone that has struggled with live one on one with women (not just as a one time thing), that has gotten fully clean for a substantial amount of time (atleast 2 years), without going to sa?, i am not looking for opinions, just wanna know if you know anyone like that, because i would like to be intouch with such a person, so if you do can you please let me know either here or pm me, thank you

Re: Time to get serious 18 Jun 2021 08:29 #369995

  • wilnevergiveup
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soaring high wrote on 16 Jun 2021 17:52:
Bh counting day 5, I hope this accountability thing will work for me even while staying anonymous, today I open my phone and there is a real bad picture sent to me there is no way (that I know of) to block it, I can block calls but I don't think that I can block texts, so I did look at it for a extra few seconds till I deleted it.
I don't wanna sound interesting, but I wanna share what's going on, on the outside I look like a popular outgoing pumpy fellow, the problem is that I feel so isolated, I don't really feel like I connect well with people (even or maybe especially family, but that's a long topic), I think that part of my problem is that I can't be vulnerable to anyone, I always wanna give off the impression that I am a perfect guy, and maybe even that i'm better than anyone else, (therefor even with my wife I don't feel like were in a deep connection because everything is always "great" by me)
I know that were not meant to be perfect and all that, were humans not angels, but the problem is that I still wanna convince others (and myself) that I am a sort of angel, I don't know if that's the only reason why I feel isolated, but I do think that it's deff. a big part of it, so I don't know if I can get help by writing this out but atleast it's something that anonymously I could be somewhat vulnerable,
From the soarar climbing high,
soaring high

Hey, @SH, welcome!

I am just reading this now, sorry that I came late to the party.

I relate a lot to what you wrote, "the problem is that I feel so isolated, I don't really feel like I connect well with people (even or maybe especially family..." This is me in a nutshell. I don't have any answers but this feeds right off of the rest of what you wrote. "People pleasers" and "nice guys" and the like who need the fake persona that they put on to feel worthy tend to have a very difficult time connecting in a real way. I think this is because we are essentially lying to everyone about who we are. We know subconsciously that we are not giving our whole self. We sometimes feel that if only they would know who I really am, they wouldn't look at me, and we can also feel that if someone would lie like this to us about themselves (think spouse) we wouldn't like them so they must not like us. 

The isolated feeling is hard, I have it too. I lie to my parent's, I tell them that everything is fine even though it's not. That's what I think they want to hear, that their little tzaddik is still a tzaddik (he is btw, just struggling, like everyone else). 

A plunge into the deep end would be to find a real person, someone who is trustworthy, who can listen and who is able to be non judgemental and spill out your heart. Learn to be honest with at least this one person. Then we can work towards being honest in general with others as well. We don't have to tell everyone we see every detail about everything, but we can tell people that we are having a hard time, that we feel lonely, that we made a mistake here and there etc. A therapist is great, a good rebbi or rav works as well or a family member who you are close to.

It might also be a good idea to see a therapist anyway, sorting through all this is not easy. Also, when the bubble bursts, at least for me, I literally went into a depression. I had to figure my life out again from scratch, what drives me, what motivates me etc. I couldn't do it alone. 

I discussed this a little in my thread "The Truth" check it out if you want (link in my signature). 
Check out My Thread and The Truth

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com

Re: Time to get serious 18 Jun 2021 13:15 #369998

.
Check out my thread The Easy Peasy Method

Or just read the book. Based on Alan Carr's Easyway.

"All porn ever does is relieve the withdrawal symptoms that it causes, and it ceases to relieve them completely."
Last Edit: 09 Sep 2021 20:55 by ihadstringsbutnowimfree.

Re: Time to get serious 18 Jun 2021 13:19 #369999

.
Check out my thread The Easy Peasy Method

Or just read the book. Based on Alan Carr's Easyway.

"All porn ever does is relieve the withdrawal symptoms that it causes, and it ceases to relieve them completely."
Last Edit: 09 Sep 2021 20:55 by ihadstringsbutnowimfree.

Re: Time to get serious 20 Jun 2021 17:33 #370045

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Thanx to everyone who reached out, it is very much appreciated, i am counting day 9! i also feel like i am in a better state of mind, i can't really explain it so well, as it is i have a very hard time writing clearly on here, but it still helps and it's making me be accountable (to noone in particular) i hope that i am going to be honest, and i mean really honest with myself, i have more to share but i gotta go now so maybe later

from the soaror who loves to soar
Last Edit: 20 Jun 2021 17:34 by soaring high.

Re: Time to get serious 23 Jun 2021 03:30 #370111

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counting day 11!

Re: Time to get serious 23 Jun 2021 17:21 #370125

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BH

Re: Time to get serious 27 Jun 2021 16:54 #370253

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counting day 16!

Re: Time to get serious 04 Jul 2021 18:22 #370478

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hi today will be day 23 iyh!, I feel like celebrating already, not because 23 is a big number for me as I have done way more in the past, but because I feel like I am (finally) really being serious about this, I am trying to be honest with myself, and to be InTouch with myself, basically I am working on making my mind clean besides for just being physically clean.

And for me that means to wake up in the morning and tell myself r' yid you wanna have a productive day, u wanna have a day that u wouldn't mind that u acted/thought..... this way, it may even be ur last day (i'm just saying what works for ME for now, i don't personally get scared when I think like that, for me it's just really facing reality).

Of course I find myself sometimes over the day having trouble, and when I am hit with a feeling of lust than I turn to hashem and tell him to please take it away from me because I really don't want it, I don't know if it's hashem helping me or just the fact that I am saying that I don't want it already makes it a lot easier

Eitherway this is what I am working on these days, and for the first time I feel what we say here that it's one day at a time, I knew the slogan a long time ago, but in the past when I was clean for a bit I would convince myself that I am already perfect, but now bh I know and feel that I have to constantly be on top of my game, and just because I was clean yesterday doesn't mean i will be today, so i wake up every day with a new commitment to be clean and wanna be clean today, and with the knowledge that otherwise it wont work.

I know that it's a journey and i'm still at the beginning, but it will always be a journey, with no final destination, rather this is life itself to keep on getting better and better.

A issue that i am dealing with now is that i feel like that because of everything that i have done therefor i am not really a good jew and even though i am doing as good as i can right now, but still i did so much bad, so i know that we have to just do our best and that's all that counts, and i know chazals are full of that if we overcome it than how great it is......, and tshuvah is wonderful! and i beleive it but i still think that someone who hasn't done all this is holding in a way better place, and it makes it hard for me to accept myself, just sharing because i don't think there's much to console me (other than a sit down with r' chaim kannievsky:)), basically i wanna really accept and really love myself for who i am, and even if it's possible to reach higher hights i should still be satisfied with where i'm holding, while at the same time keep on striving to be better,

ok that's it for now from the flying soarar!

Re: Time to get serious 05 Jul 2021 13:53 #370502

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soaring high wrote on 04 Jul 2021 18:22:


A issue that i am dealing with now is that i feel like that because of everything that i have done therefor i am not really a good jew and even though i am doing as good as i can right now, but still i did so much bad, so i know that we have to just do our best and that's all that counts, and i know chazals are full of that if we overcome it than how great it is......, and tshuvah is wonderful! and i beleive it but i still think that someone who hasn't done all this is holding in a way better place, and it makes it hard for me to accept myself, just sharing because i don't think there's much to console me (other than a sit down with r' chaim kannievsky:)), basically i wanna really accept and really love myself for who i am, and even if it's possible to reach higher hights i should still be satisfied with where i'm holding, while at the same time keep on striving to be better,


If a sit-down with Rav Chaim Kanievsky would help, maybe some gemoras and Rambams would also help. (Especially Rambam Hilchos Tshuva perek 7 halacha 4. Check it out.)
In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Great free resources:
My favorite book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation 
https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Change your attitude and change your life!

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: 
https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/
Last Edit: 05 Jul 2021 13:54 by Captain.

Re: Time to get serious 11 Jul 2021 18:04 #370699

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Hi chevra today is gonna iyh be day 30!!!!!!! i am truly grateful to be holding here, a huge huge shout out to hhm for always always always (3 years) being there for me, and although i know how busy he is, still every time that i talk to him he has all the time in the world for me, and he really has a great understanding of people, secondly i wanna thank my new friend rwbg who woke me up! and has alot of practical advice that i use all the time.

I wanna just get my story out there, not another book here, but rather to just understand myself and what led me to act out in life, as hhm told me its good to define things for what they are, and my therpist thinks it's good to be able to have clear story line, so after speaking to my therapist, this is what i came to realize.

I grew up in a home that on the surface it looks like a normal healthy home, and it is in many ways, but my father never connected with me as a child, never showed me that he loves me and accepts me for who i am, i never got a hug from him, and never felt like i meant anything to him, he did not show interest in me as a person, the only times that i mattered was when i did bad stuff, he would then come over to me to either smack me or yell at me or just tell me how bad i am, and how i am a embaressment to him, so that was the extent of our conversations and interactions, and every time that he would do any of the above i would literally feel like i was exploding, i wanted to really hurt him, and i wanted to run away, i never felt any love and it hurt so much.

I even remember learning with him as a child (which i had to do alot of) and anytime i didn't know something (often) he would show me his dissapprovel and then tell me that i have to ask the stranger sitting next to me to explain it to me (because then i would remember it), and i would just feel like a piece of dirt worth nothing and yes i would feel like that i wanna burst, oh and when we were done he would make sure to let me know how poorly i was doing, and on and on this would go in many other areas.

So because i had this lack of love and acceptance, and i was quite often having this feeling of wanting to explode (sorry can't explain it better then that), i therefor ran away not in the literally but emotionly i ran away, i was looking for my escape, and i found it in acting out especially with phone sex, (iv'e seen a porn magazine in 5th grade already so i was exposed), acting out was my comfort zone, it was a place where i felt happy, and it was the only place for me to feel happy, because i wasn't getting it in the home.

So even when eventually i "shaped up" and i started doing all the things that are right, and he was happy with me, i still didn't feel that love, A. because it was conditional, so i knew that he only likes me because i am making him proud, so it wasn't what i needed, i needed him to just reaaly care about me a nd love me unconditionally, and B. because i felt that i wasn't really doing good because i was already acting out, and if he would only know the truth about me than he would hate me, and C. because i felt like he could see right through me and he could tell that i'm a fake, so i didn't think like he's really happy with me (and there are examples that i can prove that he wasn't fully happy with his son) so i therefor never felt his love, and still turned to acting out as a place of comfort as a place where to be happy, and this basically continued for many more years.

ok i gotta go now chevra, iyh i will continue this when i have a chance, it is very relieving to put this out there, and to have clear picture of what happened to me and why, bye for now from the soaror who's holding by day 30!!!

Re: Time to get serious 11 Jul 2021 19:20 #370704

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Oy, very painful. I’m sorry you went through all that pain and turmoil.
Congrats on making it to 30 days, and May you keep growing in this area as well as in all facets of life.

YeshivaGuy
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