Suggestion: Stop with the knasos. Work the Flight to Freedom program, and get some chevra as partners. Of course do what you are comfortable doing...

That’s a good idea. Thank you.
I’m up to lesson 3 now and looking forward to starting it. 

Had a pretty bad day, woke up late for work and didn't learn due to the fact that I am totally exhausted and my chavrusas were all unavailable. Fell behind in all of my shiurim. Not feeling great about myself. But I am clean for 2 days now, BH.

Hi OivedElokim. I am sorry you didn't have a great day. It could be your yetzer hara will tell you that since you missed one day of learning, may as well miss another. I know you know this, but do NOT listen to that yetzer hara. You'll do great tomorrow and pick up from where you left off. In fact, it's still early tonight. See if you can chap arein a night seder and make up some lost ground. Will also help you feel better. You got this.

Anybody else having trouble loading the flight to freedom site? Seems to be down or something.

Had another bad day. I learnt more then I did yesterday, but that was only because I pushed myself beyond my comfort zone. I wasn't in the mood of doing anything today, but part of the reason I'm feeling down is because I haven't been productive so I need to break that cycle. I guess I should also be proud that I'm four days clean, which hasn't happened in awhile. I need to be very vigilant to make sure that my mood doesn't lead me to fall. I spent a lot of time today chatting with GYE guys online, which lifted my spirits a bit. I wish I had more/closer "real life" friends that I could reach out to on a bad day, but I don't currently...

Of course you should be proud of your four days. but you should be even more proud that you keep getting back up and continuing to fight.

I highly suggest that you find someway to go on the offensive instead of just playing defense. Try to commit to some positive activity and get into the routine of doing it every day. This should help with your mood and help you feel more productive. I have done that in micro steps and it has really changed the way I think.

Thanks. I sent you a PM.

Fell late last night. Just masturbation.
Still can’t access flight2freedom which is very frustrating.

Been having a bad couple of days on the Kedusha front. Need to get my phones filter adjusted but I keep pushing off calling gentech and resolving the issue. I will Iyh get to it tomorrow.
My flight to freedom dashboard still won’t load but hopefully the techies at GYE will sort it out soon.
Pretty concerned about the news from Europe. Praying that Hashem keeps everyone safe.

good night,
OE

2 days clean, BH.
My current goal is to make it to day 7.

Maybe rephrase that "My current goal is to stay clean today..." 

That proved to be wise advice, as I fell about an hour later.

On my iPhone my image settings weren't so strict as I did not put on skin filtering, so I was able to google all of my favorite internet shiksa's and see pictures of them (fully clothed, but arousing nonetheless). That particular loophole was the primary cause of most of my falls over the past few weeks, as I can only access porn on other people's unfiltered devices which I don't generally have access to (the last time I saw porn was a week ago). Anyways I called GenTech and got that problem solved, BH. So hopefully I have a fighting chance now...

GenTech also fixed the issue I had with loading my F2F dashboard, thanks to @Menachem and the GYE technicians for correctly diagnosing the problem, for which I am very grateful. I really like the way you can track your falls, urges and triggers (which is very important for recovery, as I learned in lesson 2) on the Dashboard.

In other news I had a nice Shabbos and am hoping for a more productive and fulfilling week. Thanks for reading.

OE

POST #500!!!

I was just reading up on my older posts and reviewing my journey, and I had the realization that I've really seen much success in the past.

I've had streaks of 74, 82, 105 and 137 days. I've been successful in these inyanim before. 
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So why is it that lately I can't make it past day 3 without falling again? Is it that I have more consistent internet access? I'm more exposed to triggers? I have little resolve and motivation to fight?
I'm not really sure. I think it may be all of the above...

Wow, that is a great question! I ask myself that all the time. When I first came here I hit in the 30's then 60's then 100 and 200. Why cant I scrape together more than a week without masturbating? 

Have you taken a look at the flight2freedom program? In there it discusses the "stages of change" model (it's very famous, GYE didn't make it up). I found it helpful to try to figure out which stage I am really in. Because we cycle through the stages, meaning that we can go through them multiple times, often the reason why what worked in the past is not working now is because we are recycling through the stages. 

For example, when I first came to GYE, I was already in the third stage, the planning stage. I knew I wanted to change and I was motivated. I made a plan and then I was in the fourth stage, action. I was clean for most of a year which some would say put me in the last stage, maintenance. 

For a long time, I have been "doing what I know works for me" but wonder of wonders, it stopped working. It took a while to realize that I was not in the maintenance stage anymore. after making a proper cheshbon, I realized that I was really back in contemplation. This means that it wasn't the plan that was failing, it was my motivation. For one reason or another, it just wasn't as clear to me that I wanted to change as it was when I first started.

Since then, I've recycled a few more times. I've had moments of motivation and in those moments, recreated my plan using the F2F program. My plan works well when I am actually in the action stage but it doesn't work when I am really in contemplation.

In summary, if you are anything like me, my plan is a working one, it's the desire to change that I struggle with. For you it might be something else, maybe your plan needs tweaking, maybe you are putting yourself at risk too often, I don't really know your situation but I think it's worthwhile to figure out exactly where you are going wrong. 

Motivation is the foundation that this whole house is built on. The tools are just like the bricks, but first we need to work on the foundation. 

Afterwards, we can work on using the tools so that we are building smartly and not wasting our energy. Fighting hard and not using the right tools might be another cause for burning out. 

As always, I am just sharing what I found on my journey, take it or leave it.