Just got home, which is pretty much safe as far as internet goes. So I’m looking forward to an easier struggle over sukkos. 

I’m having an incredible day so far in terms of happiness and productivity. I don’t think I would be exaggerating by saying that I haven’t felt this good in six months, since the onset of a deep depression that lasted from Pesach till now. I’ve been slowly crawling out of it, BH, but today was a massive leap. I do not recall such a day of productivity, happiness and fulfilment in a long time.

I’ll avoid using this forum as my personal journal, (as I am won’t to do. ) but I have stumbled upon a formula that I can replicate bez”h to go back to living a happy and successful life. And as it relates to GYE struggles-I have absolutely no desire for any of the garbage that I keep falling into over the past few weeks and months. It’s just not appealing.

I know that in the past I have made the case on this site that depression and pornography/mastubration should be viewed as separate issues and addressed individually , but I now see the other side of things. Tayva is endemic to the human male condition, but the obsessive pursual of it is most often-if not always-a result of a deep feeling of emptiness and depression. A happy me is a me much better equipped to avoiding the first slip. An unhappy me is a me that sees it’s only (temporary and fleeting) salvation in acting out sexually.

May Hashem bless us all with clarity so that we may find happiness, success and purity, and to spend our lives fulfilling the aspiration so beautifully expressed by the sweet singer of Israel 

שבתי בבית ה כל ימי חיי, לחזות בנועם ה ולבקר בהיכלו

OivedElokim wrote on 20 Sep 2021 00:33:

 This post made my day!!! I'm really happy to this great news my friend! May you continue trucking on your newfound freeway!!!

OivedElokim wrote on 20 Sep 2021 00:33:

Absolutely love this. Would just advise to find a way to remember/write down this feeling because the nature of addiction is that when we are in it's throes, we don't see out of our small world. When you do feel down sometime in the future we can forget this feeling and the truth you wrote.

Well I did write it here… 
Of course I plan to write more in my actual journal, god willing.

Masturbated in the shower Friday. Clean from porn for over a week, BH.

Day 0

So I have this tendency to post only when things are going relatively well or I at least feel like I have some sort of handle on the matzav. That has not been the case for the last couple weeks. 

As far as porn goes I haven’t seen it in a week, and I made a month long contract to not use unfiltered devices. So I think I’m safe on that front. However I have been masturbating every night, and I don’t currently have a plan to change that. 

On another note I have been encouraged by a friend from this site to bring up my porn and masturbation issues with my parents so that they understand a lot of my hesitation with regards to starting dating. I think I have to do it but I dread the conversation like nothing else.

Any thoughts or tips would be very helpful.

I had the conversation with one of my parents. It was difficult but I felt relieved afterwards.

So for the first time in awhile, I did not masturbate last night, BH. So I’m getting back on track.

In addition I started get up on time and getting back into the Yeshiva routine.

Treated myself to a coffee and danish to celebrate 

Fell last night. Eyes still clean.

OivedElokim wrote on 12 Oct 2021 02:32:

I almost never give accolades on this forum, but you are a great person for doing that.

Day 3
First time I made it this far in my count in a long time…
BH

I’m sick today and I’ve been lying around slightly bored, masturbated. Trying to avoid the “what the heck” effect.