OivedElokim wrote on 02 Sep 2021 21:30:

Me too. I don't think that makes the next line true.

You don't want to stop? Then why are you here? Social stimulation?

I had an interesting realization recently... I'm not sure if it's accurate or not, or if it will help or make it worse...
Acting out (and looking porn) is just as enjoyable as it seems. It may make you feel sick afterwards etc. but the 'moment of pleasure' is real.
I find, that convincing myself that it's not as enjoyable as it seems is partly foolish and false, and you can't believe yourself when you know or think you are lying... There is a reason why its such a big struggle, because its so enjoyable.
You (or at least me) have to say that although the Yetzer Hara makes it  feel so good it isn't good. Although it feels good it makes me ​feel disgusting after. Although it feels good it goes against my values and who I want to be etc. etc.
But not doing it by convincing yourself that its not as good as it seems, to me seems like a stretch...
Please feel free to disagree

OivedElokim wrote on 02 Sep 2021 21:30:

First of all i would consider myself lucky not to have access to porn all the time. Wherever you're thoughts take you youre still actually not looking.

I unfortunately have access all the time. But i dont have the urge to just look at things randomly, its only when im feeling down. So I think that because you dont always have access, thats what keeps your mind going, waiting for the chance to actually see something. And that could make it much harder when you actually get access as you're mind was building up pressure for it. but in no way should you think its impossible to say no. It really is trust me been there done that.   

gettingthere9 wrote on 03 Sep 2021 00:46:

I hear your point. There’s definitely truth to that, but I also think that at least in my case there is an element of imagination that inflates the amount of pleasure I actually get from it. I don’t know if I’m making sense.

gettingthere9 wrote on 03 Sep 2021 00:46:

I think that there is truth to this. Denying that it feels good when it does is just lying to yourself, and that always makes things more difficult. But what we really need to say is that it doesn't live up to the hype, which it doesn't, probably because we seek something more like some emotional pleasure and contentment that this can't provide us with.

And the guilt also does ruin things.

Slept in extremely late. Missed selichos, Shachris and all the zemanim. Don’t feel like I did anything serious to prepare for Rosh Hashana. Looking for chizuk…

OivedElokim wrote on 03 Sep 2021 20:17:

All I can say to you is what I’ve been saying to HaShem.
אדם is חסר. We were created that way with the ultimate goal of attaining שלימות. I come to HaShem on Rosh Hashana as a flawed being asking HaShem to help me become more שלם. God doesn’t expect us to be שלם yet.
Man is meant to have flaws, it is what makes us Singular. 
Rosh Hashana is about being mamlich HaShem as the Melech. Being mekabel “ol malchus shamayim”and committing ourselves to being conduits for Hashroas Hashechina in this world.

Thats it, no teshuva on Rosh Hashana. You’re flawed? 
Seems like you’re just as ready for Rosh Hashana as everyone else is.

Good Shabbos buddy,

YeshivaGuy

So here I am, way past my bedtime, tossing and turning in my bed. I am excited from the encounter I had tonight with one of the greats, the legends of GYE. It was a meeting that brought me to the realisation that I am normal, that there are special Jews just like me , chosuveh yidden in every other respect who struggle with inyanei kedusha as I do, but are otherwise amazing upstanding members of klal Yisroel. It left a very deep impression on me and I hope that it will help me move forward to recovery and to a brighter future. 

Also-I fell tonight. Pretty badly. But unlike other times , I feel like it is a temporary setback, not a statement about who i am. Because my meeting tonight taught me that I am much greater then my porn issue, much bigger then the petty struggles Hashem sends my way. I am a precious child of an infinite G-d who loves me unconditionally and who will help me through this nightmare and bring me out the other side , to a better life, a beautiful life. A life worth living.

Day one

Clean, BH!

I want to take a few moments to wish you all, my dear brothers, what I wish for myself.
A year of happiness and clarity of purpose.
A year of physical, spiritual, mental, and  emotional health and well-being.
A year in which we serve Hashem and fulfill his plan for us, each in our own way.
A year in which we find joy in Torah learning and the fulfillment of mitzvos.
A year in which we remain clean and pure.
A year in which Hashem draws us close to him, embracing us in his love and showering us with every blessing imaginable, physically and spiritually.
A year in which he redeems us from this dark and bitter galus, and brings about the grand finale, the תכלית הבריאה.ופדויי ה ישובון ובאו ציון ברנה ושמחת עולם על ראשם
במהרה בימינו

אמן!

Four days clean, BH

Had a nice YT. Was hard to daven properly though due to various reasons but I hope Hashem will understand. I’m counting on it.

Slipped up a bit today, looking at borderline pictures on a shopping app. I should really delete it, but then I won’t be able to order stuff… It’s tough keeping this yetzer hara under control. You have to make sacrifices that you would otherwise not want to make. I made many of them already- very restricted internet (white list filter), no YouTube- but there are some I still haven’t made- this shopping app and apple podcasts. I’ll stop rambling as it’s almost Shabbos. Wishing you all a גמר חתימה טובה and the strength to stay clean.

OivedElokim wrote on 10 Sep 2021 22:44:

BPD….





Borderline Picture Dispensation

OivedElokim wrote on 10 Sep 2021 22:44:

Shabbos is over. 

Rant part II please!