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Journal of a soldier in the war of his life
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: Journal of a soldier in the war of his life 1103 Views

Re: Journal of a soldier in the war of his life 24 Feb 2021 23:54 #364196

Thank you! Amen!!

Re: Journal of a soldier in the war of his life 03 Mar 2021 01:08 #364598

Let me start off by saying: Thank you Hashem!!!

Things for me lately couldn't be better honestly. Sure, I've been feeling a lot more anxious the last day or so because whenever I get a good streak going I usually fall around now. But its not a distraction from other things I do and I know it won't last forever, so all I really have to do is ride it out. But after what Hashem did for me lately Im starting to believe I can do more than ride it out. Maybe I can cruise right through it!

It all started awhile back when my parents mentioned that we were going to get our internet  upgraded. I had no complaints about that. Our internet wasn't exactly limited before that. So what if I could now see bad things about a second faster than I could before? It obviously made no difference in that point of view.

When it was all finally set up I began to connect the new internet to my 3 devices: my tablet, my cellphone, and an old laptop that doesn't really belong to me but I keep it in my room and use it much more than everyone else in my family does. Before I continue I want to mention that both my phone and tablet have filtered browsers that I downloaded onto them. The laptop technically has extensions on the browsers that are kind of like filters, but they're as easy to turn off as the laptop itself. So I connected my phone and tablet to the new internet successfully, but here's where the "thank you Hashem" part comes in. I tried connecting the laptop to the internet.

It wouldn't connect.

I tried a couple more times.

Nope.

I tried restarting the laptop and connecting once it came back on.

Nope!

I tried about 20 times to connect it, but it would not connect. Obviously there were plenty of cons to this, for example, I love to write and I do basically all of my writings on there and then send them to places online. But it honestly took me a few minutes to realize that. Because I immediately realized that within the space of about 2 hours Hashem had completely taken away probably my biggest flaw in my plan to get clean. Its amazing!! It really is true what they say: You do your best and then Hashem will do the rest.

Now, it could be that the laptop just needs time to adjust to the new internet or something and it could connect to it anyway. But I'm hoping that the laptop is just too old to connect to an internet connection as new as the one I have. But even if it doesn't work out, I'll be thankful for the 1 day where I didn't have to worry about what I did on that laptop, and also for that time of feeling a lot calmer and less anxious.

Whew! Thats a lot of words.. Thanks for reading, see you on the forums!!
Last Edit: 03 Mar 2021 01:09 by #makelifegreatagain.

Re: Journal of a soldier in the war of his life 03 Mar 2021 04:21 #364619

  • Bigmoish
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#makelifegreatagain wrote on 03 Mar 2021 01:08:
It really is true what they say: You do your best and then Hashem will do the rest.

Great story, very happy for you.
One question - please don't take this as an attack, I'm just not the nuclear hug/cheerleader type and I try to ask myself similar questions to try to be honest with myself, and maybe I genuinely missed part of the story that would answer the question - 
How exactly did you "do your best?" A filter that you can turn off at will?
I would think "doing your best" would be more along the lines of tossing the unnecessary laptop from a tall building or taking a large hammer to it. (Not that I would do that, just saying.) Do we expect God to intervene and constantly save us from ourselves without putting in any effort?

Moish
Handbook | Skep's Tips
My threads:
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/236327-Bigmoish-tries-to-be-good
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/236329-Bigmoishs-path-to-tahara

"Expectation is the mother of frustration" - gibbor120
"Today, damn it! Today!" - cordnoy
"Desiring is not a sin at all, but just a sign that you are not dead yet" - Dov
"We are our own worst observer" - eslaasos's therapist
WDHW!!!

Re: Journal of a soldier in the war of his life 03 Mar 2021 16:21 #364644

Good point! I'm glad you brought that up.

The laptop is only plugged in and on when I need to do something specific on it (ex: writing). When not in use it gets unplugged and put back on a shelf, so it wasn't really something I would fall on because even when the urge comes at it's strongest im still too lazy to plug it back in. I'm just glad that's a loose end I don't have to worry about anymore.

As for doing my best, I wasn't really talking about technology. I didn't mention it, but I meant the effort I had been putting in to clear my mind from bad images and fantasies by just focusing back on real life as soon as they begin. That's what I meant by doing my best and Hashem doing the rest. I'm working on myself by cleaning my thoughts and Hashem helped me out by giving me one less thing to think about.

I hope that answers some of your questions. If not, please keep asking them! This battle is tough and I can use some pointers from another tough soldier. Thanks for answering and good luck with your battle!

Re: Journal of a soldier in the war of his life 07 Mar 2021 18:19 #364905

And here come the dreams. 

Baruch Hashem things are still great. But I'm starting to reach the number of days where I usually start losing control during a long streak. That hasn't happened yet and it WONT happen this time. I know I'll be fine. But last night I had a dream that I fell. It's my worst nightmare. Working so hard to avoid that and then have it happen in my subconscious. At least when you fall in a dream you can always wake up and still be clean. And I can use it as motivation to not let my guard down, to pay attention even more to things that could make me fall. With enough effort I know this dream will stay a dream and nothing else. 

thanks for reading. See you out on the forums!!

Re: Journal of a soldier in the war of his life 07 Mar 2021 18:39 #364906

  • Lou
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Very impressive!
I am just wondering,what are you doing differently this time to ensure you won't have the fall?
Hatzlocha!

Re: Journal of a soldier in the war of his life 08 Mar 2021 20:54 #365007

Well it doesn't seem like much, but usually even when I avoid looking at inappropriate things I struggle with fantasizing about them. So this time around I came up with a simple plan: as soon as I feel like I'm going to think about something I shouldn't, I immediately snap myself out of it and focus on something in the real word, like a box or a door. Just something to keep me in the real world. I've also set up a reward system for myself to make the challenge more fun. It's also been a big help in making me focus on small goals instead of the still extremely far away goal of 90 days. On top of that, I've got filtered browsers on my cellphone and tablet, and a playlist of inspirational songs for me to listen to when the urge is too strong. But none of this would work without Hashem, who I owe all 42 days of my current streak to. Have a great day! I hope that answers your question.

Re: Journal of a soldier in the war of his life 14 Mar 2021 20:36 #365383

I just wanted to remind myself of a few things:

I control the urge, not the other way around.
I'm winning this battle.
If I take things one day at a time I know I will be fine.
I can use my fear of losing to drive me to victory.
I can live without it. I've avoided it long enough to be dead already if I couldn't.
I believe that Hashem is and will continue helping me.
It's a long ugly war, and I cannot be lazy about it.
The more days I don't do it the better the person I will be.
I know my family believes in me, even though they don't know a thing about this.
I can always come back to GYE if I need help.
I can choose to either fall or rise, but I know that even if I fall I will rise again anyway, so I might as well just keep rising.
I thank you all for reading this and I'll see you out on the forums!

Re: Journal of a soldier in the war of his life 25 Mar 2021 18:33 #366078

Baruch Hashem, it's been 59 days!! 

wow, I'm beyond excited about this. I haven't gotten to this many days since my longest streak (124 days). It has been anything but easy though. The first 45 days or so went by pretty fast, but the last couple of weeks have been tougher. The urge has finally started to show up after being silent for so long. During other streaks I might have started to think that this was the beginning of the end, that my road to freedom was about to hit a dead end. But yesterday I realized something. Maybe I've had the wrong idea of what freedom is. I always thought that being free meant that the urge would be gone and I would never have to hear from it again. But now I realize I had it all wrong. The urge is not something that really goes away, it's always there yelling at you to do what it wants, like a king commanding his servant. So what is freedom? Freedom is when that king tells you to do something and you suddenly realize that you have the power to say no. Sure, the king will get mad and command you more and more until a part of you badly wishes you could give in even though it won't be good for you. But after awhile of saying no you'll begin to realize that he doesn't have any power over you at all. He's just a guy in a crown. In fact, you're the real king! You're the one that gets to decide what you do and what you don't do. Once you realize that the king becomes your servant. But be careful. He's always looking to get back his lost power, so he'll keep trying to command you until you give in. But by then you'll be so used to saying no that you don't even think about saying yes anymore. That's what freedom is. The ability to keep on saying "No. I'm not doing this. I'm tired of all the guilt. I'm tired of feeling small around other people. I don't want to do this aveirah anymore, I want to do more mitzvos and become a better Jew. No more. From now on I am my own king and you,the urge,  can be the servant.You can command me all you like, but you don't have any power over me  anymore. I am free. "

thanks so much for reading. See you out on the forums!!! 

Re: Journal of a soldier in the war of his life 25 Mar 2021 19:15 #366080

  • OivedElokim
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יישר כח for a beautiful insight 
keep it up

For the background to my name- see Tanya פרק טו.
״שההפרש בין עובד אלוקים לצדיק הוא שעובד הוא לשון הווה, שהוא באמצע העבודה״
-Oived Elokim means a constant work in progress...
“Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future”.

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Re: Journal of a soldier in the war of his life 26 Mar 2021 16:33 #366118

  • Fool
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Very well said, thanks for your post.

God willing we are all healthy men and will feel urges for the rest of our lives. This is the way Hashem made man. True freedom is having power over the YH; having the ability to pick and choose when, or if, we fulfill our appetitive desires. In God's infinite wisdom along with a body and a YH he has given us a system of Torah that provides healthy outlets for appeasing our worldly needs. With Hashem's help we will learn to overcome our baser selves and develop into righteous and free men. 

Re: Journal of a soldier in the war of his life 26 Mar 2021 19:12 #366122

That was beautiful! It perfectly sums up what I was trying to say. Have a great Shabbos /Yom tov!

Re: Journal of a soldier in the war of his life 11 Apr 2021 20:15 #366675

76 days have gone by!

there are lots of ways I can sum this up but i'll just go with one word: wow... 

Baruch Hashem after a couple of trickier 
days I had during the past month, things have been getting easier again. Now after taking my streak about 15 days at a time I'm ready to take on the last leg of the journey on the chart. I don't want to put any pressure on myself, but I feel like this is the time for me to get to 90 again. I know more about myself and the urge than at any other point in the war. My plan has worked almost perfectly and is ready to be adjusted for anything it's not ready for. And of course, I can't leave out Hashem and all He's done to help me as well as this amazing website. I would not be in this position without them. 

Life is starting to feel hopeful. It's Spring, There are vaccines out to the stop the virus, and now I may have found the vaccine for my personal virus so I can move onto my own personal spring. Combined it all feels amazing, like something out of a fairytale. I can't wait to see what the ending is!

thanks for reading. See you out on the forums!! 

Re: Journal of a soldier in the war of his life 25 Apr 2021 16:23 #367382

I...i did it. 

I made it to 90 days!!! Thank you so much Hashem for helping me make it to 90 days without even a slip! It wasn't easy, and there were times I came close to falling but it was all worth it. After 8 months I'm finally back at 90 again. 

But this time I won't make the same mistakes as last time. Last time I let my guard down because I thought that once you get to 90 the battle is magically over. Sadly, it's not. It's easier yes, but you still have to be careful. That's why I'm going to continue to keep my mind clean, avoid looking at things I shouldn't, and I'll continue to pop into this site at least once a day. 

Thank you to everyone who commented and put thank yous on my posts. You really helped and supported me throughout this and I couldn't have done this without any of you. I have to admit, I got goosebumps today when I updated my progress and saw my name go away because it was now on the wall of honor. It felt like I had entered a new era, a new journey, a new battle. Thanks so much for reading this post and whichever other ones of mine you read too. May you all have success in fighting your battles too. 

see you out on the forums!  

Re: Journal of a soldier in the war of his life 25 Apr 2021 17:10 #367385

  • Lou
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Mazel tov!! Very exciting. Make sure you celebrate accordingly.
As you seem to know as well as I do,after 90 is a very challenging time. It is so easy to let the guard down just a bit and that motivation to make it to 90 is not there.
Don't forget we are in this for the long haul
Hatzlocha!
Lou
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