A very Choshuve guy on this site wrote the following in his signature:

”One who has given up hope is without a G‑d.

One who sees hope in each day is already free”

Sorry to hear Chabibi. 

Dear Hakodosh R Zedj,

Even though I don't really post on your thread, I have always been following your journey, I think from when you started posting.
Your'e a true inspiration to me, It's the battle that counts and you excel at that. falls are extremally frustrating, but let it pass and move on. I wish I had been involved in GYE as a bochur. If you pull yourself up right now, you have no idea what a tremendous impact it can have on your life.

keep on inspiring us,
Love excellence   

Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 04 Dec 2022 15:46:

Thank you.
I see you pulled "you said it yourself" card.
it kinda worked.

Sapy wrote on 04 Dec 2022 17:35:

Thank you!

excellence wrote on 04 Dec 2022 18:27:

Thank you excellence for your kind words and thank you for following my posts.

1 day clean!

WE ARE BACK!

Before I get too excited this is the deal.

I have 2 ideas in mind

start afresh as i did when i first started GYE:

1: Making a deal with a fellow gye member
2: Writeing out a pro/con list
3: writeing up a contract with specific conditions customized for myself
4: nightly accountability to make sure im clean

Sounds intense I know..

Idea #2
Get a kosher phone....still something i have to look into and see if it will be practical for me.

just wondering the peoples thoughts on the subject.
what would you choose and why?

Hi Zedj, 

Your enthusiasm is beautiful. Regarding the phone, I switched to sunbeam orchid a while back and am quite happy with it. It has a good gps app and voice to text, so that covers most peoples bases in terms of what they really need to get back. It's been very beneficial for me. Not just for kedusha (although it has certainly made the challenge much more surmountable), but after a month or two the part of my brain that constantly wanted to check my phone faded away. I think I have much more presence of mind now, I high recommend it.

Here I will write my thoughts...

I had a bit of up and downs in the last few months..particularly since a little before elul. 

Since that time i got a job and started dating.
Ironically I think since I've had more of a productive life I see a slow digression in my efforts in this area. 

(Also I should note my learning is not too great either but lets put that on the side for now)

In general I believe I'm in a good place (and not addicted to porn...if that makes a difference) and am proud of myself in general.

Watching porn the other night felt very platonic and non exciting (i didn't even masterbate) so what was the point? Why am I looking to watch porn or explicit pictures?
I am 50% sure it's an escape..but from what?

Am I looking to escape from stress from dating? Job? Regular day to day stuff? 

could it be porn is just seared in my brain as my go to method to destress or fill time? 

Could it be i just like porn? 

It could be. i dont know forsure.

being clean for some long periods 
of time and now falling while I'm in the pasha is somewhat of a blow...
But then again hormones are all over the place and stress is high.

Not an easy time over here


In any case, I need to stop being reactive and start being proactive in this erea. 

this is me on a rant thinking things over and trying to make sense of myself.

Plan is to move on

Zedj wrote on 06 Dec 2022 01:56:

Do both. Don't fall into the common trap of doing #2 so "not needing to do #1" or doing #1 so "not needing to do #2."

Zedj wrote on 06 Dec 2022 03:06:

This made me smile. I think that's also the most plausible theory, often overlooked on this site for not being psychologically sophisticated enough. I think it's the reason I keep falling, and it's very likely that the same is true for you...

Anyways wishing you the best of luck,
OivedElokim

Zedj wrote on 06 Dec 2022 03:06:

I sent you a pm

OivedElokim wrote on 08 Dec 2022 18:59:

I definitely used to just love porn, and the only downside was that it was assur and could destroy my life. So if only I hold out until marriage, then I could get out all my desires B'heter. And then my porn issue will for sure go away... Because for me when the draw was sex without the whole connection bit, and I was objectifying every lady on and sometimes off that screen, the issue was just my love of porn. And violent porn. And other fetishes. In other words, until I figured out that it's actually poisonous for me, (and that realization gets stronger the longer I'm clean), I didn't realize how much I didn't love porn. And how much connection in all relationships was being sacrificed on the altar of something that wasn't giving me what I thought it was. But that's just me.

BH 8 days clean.

Kislev is a big month for chabad and specifically tomorrow night yud tes kislev.
The plan is to join a farbrengen and attempt to seriously set goals for myself and set up good resolutions. 

On that note:
Please hold me accountable for the following
1- writeing up a pro vs con list
2- writeing up a contract

I appreciate you guys!

Wishing you all well!