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90 x 1 = 90 - Battling the present
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: 90 x 1 = 90 - Battling the present 1484 Views

Re: 90 x 1 = 90 - Battling the present 15 May 2020 01:34 #349740

  • Mango010
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So about yesterday...

Bring out the champagne! I reached 9 days without masturbating which was the longest I've EVER gone (at home) since I started struggling a couple years ago. The urge to masturbate though was coming at me stronger than the day before but I managed to fight it off. 

I had a long conversation with somebody about some of the pain, guilt, fears and struggles I'm going through. Afterwards I felt great and realized that more of these type of conversations would only make me feel better. I also realize that my struggle has a lot less to do with going after my urges but instead has to do with feeling alone. I see that sharing itself is a huge tool against this battle. The less I share the more I magnify my struggles in my mind. When I discuss it however I get it out of my system and when I get feedback, I see the reality of my struggle. In the past I've spoken to my parents and friends about these struggles but I see that I need to talk about it on a more consistent basis. I hope to reach out to some friends that I can speak with regularly.

My view on my struggle is also slowly shifting. I'm viewing myself as more of a human. I see that I blow up my downfalls and struggles to the point that I see myself as a complete failure. When I speak to someone though, it's as if this big balloon gets popped into this tiny rubber ball that it truly is. I'm recognizing that I don't have any serious issues but rather I'm a normal male. Of course it's difficult, but what has been more difficult is the feeling of alone. This the real problem and I hope to tackle it. But for the past couple years I put myself at a big disadvantage because I haven't shared as much as I needed to.

It also makes me feel sad about how many years I had to go through with this pain and guilt on my shoulders. I feel that the very fact of feeling alone propelled me to masturbate every 3/4 days and to have occasional downfalls with the internet. I know this is the custom made path that Hashem wanted me to work through so I'm trying not to focus on what should/could have been. I do however, still feel the sadness.

Before writing this post I was having the strongest urge to masturbate since I started my 90 day journey. Now, however after writing I feel so much better!

Day 10 is history!

Next up: Day 11

I may not be able to post tomorrow so I will try Motzei Shabbos or Sunday

A wonderful shabbos to all GYE'ers out there!

Re: 90 x 1 = 90 - Battling the present 15 May 2020 03:47 #349744

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Very nice, like it says in the big book, somewhere, nothing helped the urge to drink more than working with another alcoholic. Let's bring our dark secrets into the light.

And what does it say in the gemora sukkah? Tzadikkim will rejoice because they'll see their struggles as a massive mountain they conquered. Reshaim will groan because they see their struggles as a tiny little line, easily overcome, in reference to your rubber ball analogy.
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


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Re: 90 x 1 = 90 - Battling the present 15 May 2020 22:38 #349795

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Theses are all beautiful points. Some of the deepest relationships o have with people are that I open up to. The more you put in the more yOu get out. 
But within this inyan , I see it as more difficult to open up than other struggles someone may have.... Because once sexuality is involved there's a huge stigma around it (in society and from ourselves). Also, since this thing is by nature in private it can get difficult to "bring it to the light". 
If there's someone I would feel comfortable talking about it with, but I'm not sure how they would react. For example I'm very close with my mom, and I have spoke to her skittle bit about my struggles, but that was 2 years ago and since then it's just an award topic. 
Theres so much that happened since then that I would like to talk about, but to speak about these issues with the opposite gender may not be the outlet. 
What do you guys thInk?
"Sometimes the only Bechira we have is to ask for help"

Maybe you can gain something by following my journey... Or not, whatever works
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Re: 90 x 1 = 90 - Battling the present 17 May 2020 16:55 #349852

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Maybe speak to someone from GYE...….
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: 90 x 1 = 90 - Battling the present 18 May 2020 00:46 #349875

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Days 11, 12, and 13 are in the books!

Friday was extremely difficult. I kept reminding myself of all the GYE guys rooting for me. I also caught myself saying "hey just give in and enjoy yourself - you'll get to 90 next time" but then I realized that the next push for 90 won't be ANY easier. These really difficult days WILL happen during the next 90 day run, and if I can't push past one now, when will I?

Yosef, with regards to your question I find that once I start a conversation in these inyanim it naturally can get deeper and deeper. Just start with more generic and lighter topics and perhaps you can slowly steer the conversation to what's bothering you in specific. I actually speak to my mother alot in these areas. It depends on your relationship and how comfortable you feel. If you feel it's worth a shot, go for it!

Re: 90 x 1 = 90 - Battling the present 19 May 2020 01:01 #349944

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Mazal Tov! I've reached 2 weeks clean of masturbation!

Today I found myself browsing online at innocent things and felt that it could go downhill - as we all know how one thing leads to the next. Even though it didn't go downhill I'm feeling a little bad about even putting myself in that position. I guess though I should focus on the past 2 weeks as a whole and feel great about my accomplishments. Guilt just seems to be such a powerful enemy.

Thanks everyone for the chizuk. I wouldn't have made it this far without it!

Re: 90 x 1 = 90 - Battling the present 19 May 2020 02:34 #349945

Mango010 wrote on 19 May 2020 01:01:
Mazal Tov! I've reached 2 weeks clean of masturbation!

Today I found myself browsing online at innocent things and felt that it could go downhill - as we all know how one thing leads to the next. Even though it didn't go downhill I'm feeling a little bad about even putting myself in that position. I guess though I should focus on the past 2 weeks as a whole and feel great about my accomplishments. Guilt just seems to be such a powerful enemy.

Thanks everyone for the chizuk. I wouldn't have made it this far without it!

I have found that without castrating myself, I will always have a sexual part of me. It's a natural part of me. It need not be excised. I simply try to do the best I can to live in accordance with my values and morals each day. I also try to remember that I haven't yet achieved perfection in any of my character traits or actions, and that expecting to achieve complete mastery over (arguably) the most powerful drive in man is foolish. 

KUTGW! Great work and great posting : )
If you are really bored, you can check out my original thread here: guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/305558-Journey-of-one-day-at-a-time 

"Think good and it will be good!"

Re: 90 x 1 = 90 - Battling the present 19 May 2020 02:40 #349947

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Beautiful,everything you just said is pure emes.
That was poetry, would have been better if it rhymed though. 

But just curious... Doesn't that make it feel like a huge burden?
"Sometimes the only Bechira we have is to ask for help"

Maybe you can gain something by following my journey... Or not, whatever works
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Last Edit: 19 May 2020 02:42 by yosef10.

Re: 90 x 1 = 90 - Battling the present 19 May 2020 02:51 #349948

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Mango010 wrote on 19 May 2020 01:01:
Mazal Tov! I've reached 2 weeks clean of masturbation!

Today I found myself browsing online at innocent things and felt that it could go downhill - as we all know how one thing leads to the next. Even though it didn't go downhill I'm feeling a little bad about even putting myself in that position. I guess though I should focus on the past 2 weeks as a whole and feel great about my accomplishments. Guilt just seems to be such a powerful enemy.

Thanks everyone for the chizuk. I wouldn't have made it this far without it!

Read a bit of your your old story and I had/ have similar questions. Even though I'm not in the parsha, I asked for some advice on a different forum on what admitting to a potential shidduch would really look liked.  https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/349943-She-deserves-the-Emes-but-then-what

Not sure where your still holding on that shayla.

and of course... MAZAL TOV ON THE 2 WEEKS!!!!
"Sometimes the only Bechira we have is to ask for help"

Maybe you can gain something by following my journey... Or not, whatever works
MY Forum

Re: 90 x 1 = 90 - Battling the present 19 May 2020 04:52 #349973

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Mango010 wrote on 19 May 2020 01:01:
Mazal Tov! I've reached 2 weeks clean of masturbation!

Today I found myself browsing online at innocent things and felt that it could go downhill - as we all know how one thing leads to the next. Even though it didn't go downhill I'm feeling a little bad about even putting myself in that position. I guess though I should focus on the past 2 weeks as a whole and feel great about my accomplishments. Guilt just seems to be such a powerful enemy.

Thanks everyone for the chizuk. I wouldn't have made it this far without it!

Woohoo! Look at you! Ignore the guilt, that's the YH panicking because he can't get you to fall. Keep it up!!!
נאָך אַ שריפה ווערט מען רייַך - After a fire one becomes wealthy.

My email: bhyy@protonmail.com

My thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/349632-Hayom-Yom

Re: 90 x 1 = 90 - Battling the present 19 May 2020 04:57 #349974

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wowow. 2 weeks. keep it up. god bless you!

Re: 90 x 1 = 90 - Battling the present 20 May 2020 01:22 #350034

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Alright, so today went well - Day 15 is in the books! Thanks for all the encouragement!

I find that being completely sheltered from seeing even the slightest immodestly dressed (even modestly dressed) woman puts me at a huge advantage in this battle. However that would mean I would have to cut some things out of my life that are healthy but require using the internet and not going to places where there can be women (e.g. park during the day). If I go to the park or go on the internet I will see something from time to time. It is inevitable - I am human. And by seeing and looking at women, the challenge will get more difficult and will create a greater risk for a fall.

I seesaw between these two approaches. At times I say "hey I have a healthy outlet that requires internet, but I'm doing my best". At other times I tell myself "I don't need the internet so why use it and place myself in danger - it's already super difficult as a bochur why add fuel to the fire - even at the expense of the kosher outlet just stay away and find other outlets for now". Many times when I pick the first approach I feel so guilty over something I saw or if it caused me to masturbate because I didn't need the internet.

Anyone can relate or have any thoughts on this?

Re: 90 x 1 = 90 - Battling the present 20 May 2020 02:51 #350042

yosef10 wrote on 19 May 2020 02:40:
Beautiful,everything you just said is pure emes.
That was poetry, would have been better if it rhymed though. 

But just curious... Doesn't that make it feel like a huge burden?

Nah. See below:
"If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you."

-Louis Brandeis
If you are really bored, you can check out my original thread here: guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/305558-Journey-of-one-day-at-a-time 

"Think good and it will be good!"

Re: 90 x 1 = 90 - Battling the present 20 May 2020 02:58 #350043

Mango010 wrote on 20 May 2020 01:22:
Alright, so today went well - Day 15 is in the books! Thanks for all the encouragement!

I find that being completely sheltered from seeing even the slightest immodestly dressed (even modestly dressed) woman puts me at a huge advantage in this battle. However that would mean I would have to cut some things out of my life that are healthy but require using the internet and not going to places where there can be women (e.g. park during the day). If I go to the park or go on the internet I will see something from time to time. It is inevitable - I am human. And by seeing and looking at women, the challenge will get more difficult and will create a greater risk for a fall.

I seesaw between these two approaches. At times I say "hey I have a healthy outlet that requires internet, but I'm doing my best". At other times I tell myself "I don't need the internet so why use it and place myself in danger - it's already super difficult as a bochur why add fuel to the fire - even at the expense of the kosher outlet just stay away and find other outlets for now". Many times when I pick the first approach I feel so guilty over something I saw or if it caused me to masturbate because I didn't need the internet.

Anyone can relate or have any thoughts on this?

I do relate to this.

I would say trust your intuition about what the correct and practical thing to do is, and then have confidence in your decision. If after a while you see that perhaps you should reconsider your position, you can do so then.

Hope that helps somewhat. 
If you are really bored, you can check out my original thread here: guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/305558-Journey-of-one-day-at-a-time 

"Think good and it will be good!"

Re: 90 x 1 = 90 - Battling the present 20 May 2020 04:07 #350054

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First of all, you are doing fantastic! Keep up the great work!
As far as your concern about healthy outlets like going to the park, I think the benefits far outweigh the negatives. Fresh air and exercise will make you feel better, not to mention when you exercise your brain releases dopamine which makes you feel happy (in a healthy amount, not flooding your brain like porn does).
I also think we have to realize that we don't live in a bubble and we need to train ourselves to look the other way when there is something triggering outside. I'm not saying to walk down Time Square but put in some earbuds and some good music and enjoy the fresh air. You'll find yourself even getting lost in yourself - almost an escape from reality, one that you can feel super proud of after!
נאָך אַ שריפה ווערט מען רייַך - After a fire one becomes wealthy.

My email: bhyy@protonmail.com

My thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/349632-Hayom-Yom
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