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My Clean Days Log
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: My Clean Days Log 12350 Views

Re: My Clean Days Log 11 Jan 2022 02:18 #375775

Day #120.

I struggled for a long time with the temptation of viewing pornography and masturbating. When I was 12 or so, I masturbated for the first time. I didn't think it was wrong at the time. Pornography, on the other hand, which I probably discovered not too long after, always felt like entering a dark place. I didn't have my own machine, so I would look at pornography on the family computer and figure out how to hide it from my parents (late at night, when no one was home, etc.).

At 18, I became Orthodox. I was so excited to fulfill every tenet of Orthodox Judaism. At that time, I did have my own laptop. Pornography and masturbation were, what seemed like, the only areas of Jewish law that I could not observe. I couldn't control myself. I felt bad. I felt out of control. I felt like I was letting G-d down and this was a 3-5 times a week occurrence. I would often have a very uplifting Shabbos experience and then go home, watch pornography and masturbate. I felt like I ruined whatever spiritual gains I had received from the Shabbos.

I had the privilege of going to yeshiva. In my entire time in yeshiva as a bochur, I masturbated once without pornography. That was very early on in my tenure. I felt safe at yeshiva. I was occupied. There were people around. I didn't have any devices that had Internet access.

Bein hazmanim, however, was another story. I would return home and try and try to set myself up for success. I would plan out a learning schedule and make some sort of resolution to not touch the devices of my family members. To no avail. I never went a bein hazmanim without looking at pornography and masturbating. I felt so terrible.

After my wedding, I thought, pornography and masturbation are a thing of the past... Yeah... I think I lasted for almost a year and a half. I certainly wasn't counting because I thought that the issue was no longer relevant for me. I began looking at pornography and masturbating around the time of the birth of my first child. I would try to stop and maybe be successful for a week or two, but I don't think I ever made it more than two weeks. I felt terrible. I felt so ashamed of myself... And my wife never found out. She caught me once, but I was able to cover myself (literally and figuratively) and lie my way out of it.

In Jan 2020, I finally decided to join GYE. That was eight years into my marriage. As you can see from my current streak, I have not experienced 100% success since joining, but I am at 647 cumulative clean days. Since I started at the end of January, that's a little less than a 90% success rate averaged over time since I started GYE. That's unbelievable! I would've probably looked at pornography and masturbated 3-4 times a week for the last two years if not for engaging with this GYE community.

To my holy brothers who are reading this post and who don't think that it is possible to stop looking at pornography and masturbating, please think again. I was there! I didn't think it possible. I didn't know how. I tried to set up something discreetly with a friend, but I was too ashamed to really share my problem. Participating with GYE has been my solution. I have shared my story on this thread, I have read other community members' struggles and successes, I have connected with an accountability partner (Yasherkoach @Hashem Help Me), and I have chipped away at the shame that was preventing me from getting out of the rut that I had been in for far too long. It is possible! You can do it too!

Re: My Clean Days Log 12 Jan 2022 01:21 #375800

  • Dave M
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שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 11 Jan 2022 02:18:
Day #120.

I struggled for a long time with the temptation of viewing pornography and masturbating. When I was 12 or so, I masturbated for the first time. I didn't think it was wrong at the time. Pornography, on the other hand, which I probably discovered not too long after, always felt like entering a dark place. I didn't have my own machine, so I would look at pornography on the family computer and figure out how to hide it from my parents (late at night, when no one was home, etc.).

At 18, I became Orthodox. I was so excited to fulfill every tenet of Orthodox Judaism. At that time, I did have my own laptop. Pornography and masturbation were, what seemed like, the only areas of Jewish law that I could not observe. I couldn't control myself. I felt bad. I felt out of control. I felt like I was letting G-d down and this was a 3-5 times a week occurrence. I would often have a very uplifting Shabbos experience and then go home, watch pornography and masturbate. I felt like I ruined whatever spiritual gains I had received from the Shabbos.

I had the privilege of going to yeshiva. In my entire time in yeshiva as a bochur, I masturbated once without pornography. That was very early on in my tenure. I felt safe at yeshiva. I was occupied. There were people around. I didn't have any devices that had Internet access.

Bein hazmanim, however, was another story. I would return home and try and try to set myself up for success. I would plan out a learning schedule and make some sort of resolution to not touch the devices of my family members. To no avail. I never went a bein hazmanim without looking at pornography and masturbating. I felt so terrible.

After my wedding, I thought, pornography and masturbation are a thing of the past... Yeah... I think I lasted for almost a year and a half. I certainly wasn't counting because I thought that the issue was no longer relevant for me. I began looking at pornography and masturbating around the time of the birth of my first child. I would try to stop and maybe be successful for a week or two, but I don't think I ever made it more than two weeks. I felt terrible. I felt so ashamed of myself... And my wife never found out. She caught me once, but I was able to cover myself (literally and figuratively) and lie my way out of it.

In Jan 2020, I finally decided to join GYE. That was eight years into my marriage. As you can see from my current streak, I have not experienced 100% success since joining, but I am at 647 cumulative clean days. Since I started at the end of January, that's a little less than a 90% success rate averaged over time since I started GYE. That's unbelievable! I would've probably looked at pornography and masturbated 3-4 times a week for the last two years if not for engaging with this GYE community.

To my holy brothers who are reading this post and who don't think that it is possible to stop looking at pornography and masturbating, please think again. I was there! I didn't think it possible. I didn't know how. I tried to set up something discreetly with a friend, but I was too ashamed to really share my problem. Participating with GYE has been my solution. I have shared my story on this thread, I have read other community members' struggles and successes, I have connected with an accountability partner (Yasherkoach @Hashem Help Me), and I have chipped away at the shame that was preventing me from getting out of the rut that I had been in for far too long. It is possible! You can do it too!

This post is golden 

Re: My Clean Days Log 21 Jan 2022 01:09 #376261

Day #130.

Re: My Clean Days Log 21 Jan 2022 13:09 #376282

  • Human being
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wowowowowowowowow. I just read your thread from the beginning. The zchusim you have are innumerable. You are really an inspiration! keep it up and keep on posting.
Be a part of my 90 day journey! -Destination -90 days, A Human beings journey. Every post and suggestion response and chizzuk is appreciated.

To private message me, my email is Hashemsboy@gmail.com Feel free to say hello and #ShareAndCare.

Re: My Clean Days Log 31 Jan 2022 01:50 #376670

Day #140.

@Human being, thank you for your comment!

Re: My Clean Days Log 10 Feb 2022 02:07 #377150

Day #150.

Re: My Clean Days Log 10 Feb 2022 04:12 #377161

שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 10 Feb 2022 02:07:
Day #150.

wow!!
keep it up
you are now doing "וקם"
"Success consists of going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm"
- Sir Winston Churchill

Re: My Clean Days Log 10 Feb 2022 04:20 #377162

DavidT wrote on 06 Feb 2020 20:48:

שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 06 Feb 2020 03:18:

With a heavy heart, I mourn the loss of so much time, specifically at night, that could've been spent productively. I could've been crying out to Hashem in song, in prayer, and in learning. Alas...


There was a Yid called Reb Chaim Dovid "Doctor". He was a big baal-teshuva.

If one reads history of the Austrian Empire, approximately 180-200 years ago, there was a big doctor of the army, he wrote prescriptions, they still have his prescriptions.

He became a baal-teshuva. Reb Dovid Lelover brought him close in teshuva.

At the end of his days, the holy Tiferes Shlomo (Rabbi Shlomo Rabinovich of Radomsk) went to pay him a sick visit.

The Tiferes Shlomo was standing by his bed, and Reb Chaim Dovid was sighing.

The Tiferes Shlomo wanted to comfort him: "Your earlier (pre-teshuva) years fall away," thinking the patient was sighing on the days he did sins and wasn't a frum Yid, employing language used by a nazirite to comfort him.

(The patient) gave a jump up in bed and said, "I don't give away one sin... because the sins became merits."


I was reading this old thread now and it touched my heart, it's a powerful message and a good dose of chizuk
"Success consists of going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm"
- Sir Winston Churchill

Re: My Clean Days Log 10 Feb 2022 12:20 #377181

  • Hashem Help Me
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Mazel Tov!  Beautiful. Keep the good news coming and help others get to where you are.....
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: My Clean Days Log 10 Feb 2022 17:25 #377196

  • DavidT
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שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 10 Feb 2022 02:07:
Day #150.

Mazel Tov! 

If I may suggest, the text should be much larger to convey the right message... 
Day #150
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com

Re: My Clean Days Log 20 Feb 2022 04:11 #377617

Day #160.

Re: My Clean Days Log 03 Mar 2022 03:53 #378085

Day #171.

Re: My Clean Days Log 13 Mar 2022 15:34 #378510

Day #181. 

Re: My Clean Days Log 21 Mar 2022 00:43 #378820

Until today, my longest streak was 188 days. I reached that on March 15 2021. Today, just over a year later, I have reached day #189.

Re: My Clean Days Log 25 Mar 2022 02:13 #379061

Not just a day count post...

First of all, great thank you to all those who comment, thank you, and read my thread.

I had an urge today. Pretty serious one too. There wasn't an event that caused it per se. I'd say it was physiological. I haven't been getting a lot of sleep at night and I have been more tired. I really got into that back and forth should-I-or-not struggle.

Surprisingly, I actually felt pretty strongly that pornography is out of the question. My work computer is unfiltered. I don't think my internet use is being monitored, but the thought that I would be flagged and exposed was discouraging. I'm also not as interested anymore.

Masturbation, on the other hand, the urge was strong and I wanted to do it. I think part of it has to do with my comfort with doing it as I have done it so many times unfortunately. I also am not as "frum" anymore maybe. The fact that the prohibition is clearly stated in rabbinic literature and codified in all halachic works doesn't carry the same weight for me anymore. For me, I have to join experience and practice with the holy texts. I don't have an experience or practice around the prohibition of masturbation, quite the opposite. It is not discussed publicly. It is the prohibition left unsaid. In fact, some sources refer to it as "that sin" as opposed to referencing it explicitly. So, it becomes a question of how strong is my faith in doing something simply because it is stated in the Medrash or in the Gemara. No worries if you didn't catch my theological reflection, I am just trying to explain how I no longer have the sense of urgency in me to avoid masturbating because I truly believe G-d doesn't want me to. Maybe this is a prime example for me of "one who sins and repeats it treats it as a permissible act." I don't know. Just have to be honest with myself.

The part of me that doesn't want me to masturbate for religious reasons prevailed. First, I got up from my desk and ran an errand. That didn't work. Next, I took a nap. That helped. Woke up and the urge passed.

Day #193.
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