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A new experience - lust free sobriety
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TOPIC: A new experience - lust free sobriety 9500 Views

Re: A new experience - lust free sobriety 13 May 2020 03:55 #349637

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Thanks for your chizuk and play by play through your personal nightmare. You'll always have a home here should you wish to return 

Ditto. You said it well "You'll always have a HOME here".......

Dear Pickamonkier, come back home.....when you are ready....
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Re: A new experience - lust free sobriety 13 May 2020 13:52 #349652

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Pickamoniker you and your thread have been a tremendous inspiration.
Really sorry to see you go
I really hope you find happiness as life moves on

​Please remember that we will always be your close friends and greatest admirers
The start of 'STARting' is 'star'. Just start and you're a star!!

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Re: A new experience - lust free sobriety 13 May 2020 19:31 #349659

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Dear pickawhatever,
I'm so sorry to read your sad story.

I'd just like to point out that I disagree with your conclusions in this "last" post. It's not that you need to keep fighting yourself or living in guilt. It's just a change in attitude that you need, in my opinion. You see, life is like a GPS. We all have to get where we need to in the end, and G-d's will just gives us the shortest route. But when we make wrong choices along the way, the GPS of life keeps rerouting us through uncomfortable territory and makes the process much longer and more difficult. Now would someone who made many wrong turns and finds himself somewhere far out of where he had hoped to be, would he say, "The heck with it. I am tired of fighting to keep on the straight path, and I am tired of feeling guilty when I take the wrong turns!" Of course not. What would such thinking help him? 
Guilt is useless and doesn't help either. We just have to understand that we are going to be forced by life (read: G-d's will and hashgacha) to reach where we need to go, by hook or by crook. It won't help us one bit to give up because we don't like the fight or we can't stand the guilt. We have to just man up and start making right turns in our life to get back on track. Otherwise we'll just keep getting farther and farther from where we need to get to. It's not about "moral failing" or that G-d is a vengeful G-d. It's just the way the universe was created. No one asks why Hashem makes us get burnt if we stick our hand in fire. It's just how the world works. If you stick your hand in fire, it will burn. And the longer you keep it there, the less chance you'll have at ever getting back the use of your hand again. And if you lose use of your hand, you may need to learn how to live without a hand. But no one says, "hey, my hand is already going to need a long time to heal, so I may as well just burn it off altogether"... Sigh... I wish I could help you more. May G-d enter your heart and hold your hand and guide you towards the way home.
Webmaster of - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.

Re: A new experience - lust free sobriety 14 May 2020 04:24 #349692

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Dear dearest Pickamoniker,

First of all, I REALLY appreciate your post. I thought about you a lot, as did clearly the rest of GYE, so I appreciate hearing that you are alive and dealing with your situation. GYE never pretended to sugar coat anything or moderate the truth (my understanding is that GYE would only moderate something that would be sensitive or harmful to others, but not a varied opinion or hashkafa), and I feel very strongly that being very REAL about how everyone on GYE feels is the secret to its success, similar to other programs. Hashem is truth and being truthful is the best way to serve him. I imagine people will be just as inspired from your last post as all the others. People find the truth and people who are brutally honest the most inspirational. 

I also want to disagree with everyone elses' reaction to your post. Although, I agree that you definitely have a place in all our hearts at GYE. I felt as if this last post, while painful and sad, was also filled with hope and purpose. GYE is a place that people looking to be clean can get help and support. For a while, you were seaching for that support for a very difficult situation and B''H you had the support and really accomplished you goal. Not only that, but you inspired many many many people along the way. However, the issue that you arrived to GYE for was really your marriage, not any addiction or lust issue. Now that purpose is no longer being fulfilled and it is only natural that you would move on from GYE. As you made clear from your post, you have reexamined your priorites and being sober from lust is not one of them. While, I disagree in the ultimate view of right and wrong I would never judge what Hashem expects from you right now. You need to do whatever you feel is right in order to be a healthy and happy individual.

  This must be extremely difficult and I have no idea why Hashem is putting you through this challenge, but I do know several things to be TRUTH.

1) Hashem Loves you.
2) Hashem only gives us challenges we can handle.
3) Hashem wants more than anyone else for you to be happy. 
4) If you try your best to do what Hashem asks of us, you will be happy. 

Whether you come back to GYE or not, that doesn't matter to me. The only thing that matters is that you leave this world after 120 and go straight to Gan Eden.  I will definitley keep you in my tefilos for everything in your life to only improve and I am sure that others here will do the same. The road to recovery is different for every individual and no two paths are the same. Trust in Hashem and you will find Happiness. 

Re: A new experience - lust free sobriety 14 May 2020 23:56 #349732

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pickamoniker wrote on 12 May 2020 22:56:
Hey guys

I didn't have any intention to come back here and post, and even as I type this I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing that I do, but the replies dropped into my email inbox and I felt an urge to give some closure to a bunch of people I have never met (the world is weird like that), so here goes...

I dropped off this program after my previous post. My wife made a final decision to divorce and I moved out for good. In my heart I know that easily the biggest reason I was "sticking with the program" was in order to save my marriage and family, which I valued above all else, but ultimately that failed. At that point I made a reassessment of y priorities and found that being "sober" really was not very important to me. I discussed it with my therapist, who agreed with me. I know for a lot, probably most, people here this is a very spiritual issue and tied to the whole "aveira" thing etc. For me it once was, but over time I have moved far from that way of thinking. The only guilt I felt in acting out towards the end was the guilt of betraying my wife's expectations of me and the fear that it would lead (as it did) to the end of our otherwise amazing relationship and the breakup of our truly beautiful family. Once that fear and guilt were gone I really didn't feel the need to stay sober and just walked away from the entire attitude.

I know that everyone has their own life, their own journey and their own (often very mutually exclusive) core beliefs, but for me looking "back" it seems that the entire enterprise of treating this area like an "illness" and even more, the putting a moral spin on it in the first place was simply unhealthy. I was in a constant catch 22. I could be "sober" and struggling with every tiniest temptation lest I "fall", which led to a life of constant almost unbearable struggle, or I could be not "sober" and mired in shame and self loathing. Neither option was fun and life was at best tolerable for short periods.

So where am I now? I'm single (technically not yet divorced, but it's a formality) living alone and see my kids from time to time. My kids, my (soon to be ex) wife and I are each damaged by this in our own ways. I certainly am not happy with where I am in life and spend much of my time pretty depressed. However, while my life has generally been pretty lousy recently I would say that not living in a constant state of either guilt or fighting myself has been one breath of fresh air. I'm going through a period of reappraisal of what is and isn't important to me in life in general and I don't know for sure where it will end up. I don't suspect that I will go back to anything like GYE, SA etc. again (although I don't have the best track record of keeping away from things that are bad for me so who knows lol). Certainly I doubt that posts on my current approach to life is really what GYE is about, so I suppose I should consider this my last post on the site.

On the off chance anyone particularly wants to talk to me you are welcome to reach me on my g mail address, which is the same as my username here.

I truly wish everyone here only the best for the future. I hope you all find a way to be happy with your life as well as comfortable for yourselves. Nothing less than I wish for myself too. Thank you for being there when this is what I wanted.

Shalom to all

Well said REM, I don’t have much more to add.

Pickamoniker, separation is a very sad situation... I hope Gd sends his healing soon!

You said you’re not interested currently in Lust sobriety and your Therapist “agreed”, which can sound like your Therapist approved, which is possible. However in normal therapy language, his / her job is to understand their client and agree just means “I agree that’s how you feel, and it makes sense” but the unsaid words can be “it makes sense why you’d say that, but it’s not a way to live or Truck”

As you shared, porn has marred your marriage, and it’s known to break trust and relationships. I very much believe your marriage can still be saved, if you’re willing to build what porn destroys.


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Re: A new experience - lust free sobriety 15 May 2020 03:53 #349749

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Wow, you're right, porn can proper destroy... oh man....
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Re: A new experience - lust free sobriety 15 May 2020 10:28 #349767

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All these comments mean well, but I’d like to respectfully point out that without first hand knowledge of the situation, no one can say “ I very much believe your marriage can still be saved.” If I we’re pickamoniker, I’d interpret that as Kind of sanctimonious-don’t give up-pep talk. I trust his assessment of his most unfortunate situation. He’s also smart enough to understand what his therapist said and meant.
"It ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward." -Rocky Balboa    BUT ALSO
"Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results.”- Narcotics Anonymous

Re: A new experience - lust free sobriety 15 May 2020 10:39 #349768

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@Pickamoniker, I feel so so bad that your marriage wasn’t saved. You tried really hard and we all hoped it would work out. From your last post it sounds like you are losing interest in religion more generally, not just the fight against porn. I’m not going to try convince you otherwise and I don’t know you, but please please do yourself good and never stop growing. Read books like Steven coveys 7 habits etc. get fit, eat healthy etc. we are most happy when we are growing. Even if you become secular we will all still love you.
I’ve been through some stuff in my own life also (haven’t we all) so if you ever angry at God and want to shout at the sky, feel free to email me at I don’t have all the answers but I can sympathize and empathize. Hoping and praying that you find true
(porn free;-)  love once more and that this life will be for you all that it can be. 
With Heartfelt sincerity,
"It ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward." -Rocky Balboa    BUT ALSO
"Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results.”- Narcotics Anonymous
Last Edit: 15 May 2020 17:32 by TheFighter99.

Re: A new experience - lust free sobriety 14 Jun 2020 06:49 #351142

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Its been a long time since i posted on this (wonderful) site but i recently checked my email linked to it and saw pickamonikers most recent post (sorry, its hard for me to say ''last'', maybe he will reconsider....) 
i have been following your (pickamoniker's) posts and am very moved by them. you has no doubt inspired many and it should be a tremendous zechus for him. I also am crying that ur going through so much pain and i relate a drop (prob. not more) because my own marriage needs alot of work.
i do want to mention one point.
when i was a young wee lad, i was charged with a difficult, time consuming task. I really wanted to complete the task and i ended up with sleepless nights to a point that i believed was completely beyond derech hateva-an absolute miracle.
as if that was not enough- i never even crashed! i practically didnt catch up on the lost sleep.
Later i reflected that we all have incredible energies within us. What defines whether or not we will actually accomplish (in terms of OUR efforts) is how much we want it.
I have to really sit down and think seriously about my goals in life and focus on what is important and to start appreciating it to the point of wanting it. because the more i want it...''ain davar omeid lifnei haratzon''...
I am not going to talk about the right and wrongs of staying sober. and i really feel for you. terribly!
i just want to point out that while your motivation may have been all along to save your marriage you have revealed through this time the incredible power that is and always will be you. 
And nothing.
no situation.
can take that away.
its yours forever.
I realize that you are stuggling with a guilt factor and your saying ts unhealthy and you no longer want it. 
again, no comment on the ultimate right or wrong and i am chas v'shalom not judging you.
but i hope you realize your strength. should you ever focus that you want to live a truly fulfilling life-excuse me but-the torah have it in you.
it might be murder to recognize that the torahs way (including this area as well) is the way to true hapiness and that its really there to guide us to...not just the ''right'' way (pun not inteneded:)...not just being close with Hashem...but ''pekudei Hashem yesharim...mesamchei lev''. its the ticket to true fulfillment and hapiness. you just have to prioritize it and recognize it to want it.
im nobody to tell anyone what to do. im just crying for your pain and hoping the best life for you. from the many voices out here..including mine (although my ''indulgences'' were slightly diff. then many here) That stuff will eventually mess up a potentially healthy life. 
i rambled on too much and i mean the best. if i was insensitive, please forgive me. And if amongst the ramblings there is something positive to take out, please dont discredit it due to the ramblings.
you should only know of good from now on and be truly happy.
we are rooting for you!
Last Edit: 14 Jun 2020 16:51 by higher.

Re: A new experience - lust free sobriety 06 Aug 2020 18:45 #353433

  • Dave M
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Hey Pickamoniker - I just saw your "final" post.  I just wanted to tell you that I'm so sorry about how things have turned out.  Where ever life may take you, just know that your thread was responsible for inspiring many people to stay clean.  Always know that you have a "home" here.

Love your GYE brother, Dave
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