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Restarting the journey
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: Restarting the journey 7233 Views

Re: Restarting the journey 12 Sep 2021 21:45 #372384

  • Snowflake
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I have been having a succession of falls, including today. But somehow I just don't wanna give up. The folks at qustodio must wonder if I'm crazy, the app has been deleted and reinstalled several times lol.
Anyway, I'm playing a few key roles in the Yomim Noraim in my kehile, might as well try to be clean for everyone who's putting their trust onto me. Also there's a good potential shidduch coming up. I feel like acting out is really just gonna mess things up. I really don't wanna mess this shidduch up. I know a wife is definitely not an ultimate solution. But I think it could help with my loneliness, which is probably my main trigger right now. Also a lack of accountability and focus in general. Sorry for keeping reviving my old thread, but my experience has shown that, posting here for all the GYE folks really helps with accountability. I will try and re-read my thread and see what has worked for me in the past.
Thank you all for the support.
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 12 Sep 2021 23:08 #372387

  • MayanHamisgaber
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Welcome back
You seem to be in a stable and good place as far as your head is concerned.

KOTODAAT
B'Hatzlacha
very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

Re: Restarting the journey 13 Sep 2021 13:53 #372401

  • Snowflake
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Thanks MH! Always good to be back to the chevre.
Special thanks to R'eyes for not giving up on me.
B"H Day #1 clean.
I'm also on a diet right now. I watched my 600 lbs life last night and the participant's food addiction is awfully similar to SA. The psychologist on the show gave really good advice. Something we may all know but always worth repeating: The addiction is a compensatory mechanism for a void in life. So, at one point, the "void" must be addressed. But what was even more interesting is that she said to the recovering food addict: why do you indulge in food? Because you know exactly what to expect from it. You know the feeling you'll get from it. Since he isn't always sure of what to expect of his wife, he relies on food. Substitute that for SA and there you have some very sobering perspective. We must trust our partners and H"KBH, the ultimate provider of all our needs.
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 13 Sep 2021 23:09 #372406

  • MayanHamisgaber
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Thanks for inaugurating me with a initials nickname I think it's the first time I got one.

The most important thing is to remember that you gotta work with what works for you and take all comments/suggestions/mussur with a grain of salt and sometimes with more.

KOMTODAAT
B'Hatzlacha
very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!
Last Edit: 13 Sep 2021 23:11 by MayanHamisgaber.

Re: Restarting the journey 15 Sep 2021 13:27 #372484

  • Snowflake
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Lol no problem!
I usually call people with composite nicknames by their initials.
B"H Day #3 clean.
Sad to say but it's been quite of a while since I managed to stay 3 days clean, so I'm quite happy.
Not much to say, just trying to pretend I don't know what MZL is. The moment I start discussing it in my head, should I do it or not, is the moment I'm gonna do it, so might as well pretend it simply doesn't exist.
Also, being extra careful with shemiras eyinaim and shemiras hamachshove. 
I'm on a good sports streak and I think it's doing wonders. Might go for a quick swim before YK.
About the divorce, B"H I'm healing, feeling less sad each passing day. Trying to get back to the shidduch scene. Got a new shadchanis to talk to after the festivals.
Thank you all for the continuous support.
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו
Last Edit: 15 Sep 2021 13:28 by Snowflake.

Re: Restarting the journey 15 Sep 2021 14:49 #372489

  • DavidT
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I wanted to share an interesting point that I read.

The best armor to protect yourself from the yetzer's attack is the attitude, "Everything I need, I have (because God provided everything)." Indeed, this is the meaning of the blessing we say every morning thanking God "Who provided me my every need." At the time you recite this blessing and throughout the day, you should feel that, at this moment, you have everything you need. This does not preclude wanting things in the future, but a bedrock belief in God's goodness and kindness to you at this very moment is the best battle stance against the yetzer hara.

You achieve this attitude by shifting your focus from what you don't have to what you do have. We are familiar with the automatic rifle carried at all times by Israeli soldiers: the M16. To fight the yetzer hara of lack we must carry one of two weapons: the G(Gratitude)16 and the G17. To use the G16, stop obsessing on what you don't have and refocus your thoughts on the details of what you do have:

You may not yet be married, but you do have many of the components necessary to live a life of meaning, such as good friends and an interesting job. Take time to think about and be grateful for each one of your friends and the specific plusses of your job.

The weapon G17 works like the precision missiles the Israeli air force uses to target particular terrorist leaders in the Gaza Strip. It can destroy a third floor apartment without damaging anything on the fourth and second floors. The G17 is a very sophisticated weapon. While the G16 involves shifting your focus from what you don't have to what you do have, the G17 ferrets out the blessing hidden within the lack itself.

You may not have a spouse, but your single status allows you its own unique avenues for your spiritual expression. In fact, because you are not yet married, you have the time to nurture yourself and others spiritually and materially in ways you won't have time to do later when you have a family.

Focusing on what you have rather than what you don't have is a foolproof weapon against the yetzer hara. Utter the formula, "Everything I need, I have (because God provided everything)," feel joy and gratitude to God, and you've won the battle.

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com

Re: Restarting the journey 17 Sep 2021 04:36 #372502

  • Lou
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DavidT wrote on 15 Sep 2021 14:49:

I wanted to share an interesting point that I read.

The best armor to protect yourself from the yetzer's attack is the attitude, "Everything I need, I have (because God provided everything)." Indeed, this is the meaning of the blessing we say every morning thanking God "Who provided me my every need." At the time you recite this blessing and throughout the day, you should feel that, at this moment, you have everything you need. This does not preclude wanting things in the future, but a bedrock belief in God's goodness and kindness to you at this very moment is the best battle stance against the yetzer hara.

You achieve this attitude by shifting your focus from what you don't have to what you do have. We are familiar with the automatic rifle carried at all times by Israeli soldiers: the M16. To fight the yetzer hara of lack we must carry one of two weapons: the G(Gratitude)16 and the G17. To use the G16, stop obsessing on what you don't have and refocus your thoughts on the details of what you do have:

You may not yet be married, but you do have many of the components necessary to live a life of meaning, such as good friends and an interesting job. Take time to think about and be grateful for each one of your friends and the specific plusses of your job.

The weapon G17 works like the precision missiles the Israeli air force uses to target particular terrorist leaders in the Gaza Strip. It can destroy a third floor apartment without damaging anything on the fourth and second floors. The G17 is a very sophisticated weapon. While the G16 involves shifting your focus from what you don't have to what you do have, the G17 ferrets out the blessing hidden within the lack itself.

You may not have a spouse, but your single status allows you its own unique avenues for your spiritual expression. In fact, because you are not yet married, you have the time to nurture yourself and others spiritually and materially in ways you won't have time to do later when you have a family.

Focusing on what you have rather than what you don't have is a foolproof weapon against the yetzer hara. Utter the formula, "Everything I need, I have (because God provided everything)," feel joy and gratitude to God, and you've won the battle.


I believe this is the mening of "sabeinnu metuvecha". Sorry I can't type hebrew but hopefully you were able to read that. We are asking Hashem to let us feel satisfied with what we have and not feel the need to look for more

Re: Restarting the journey 17 Sep 2021 14:37 #372518

  • Snowflake
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B"H Day #5 clean.

Thanks for the great advice David.
Indeed, that's something I need to work on. I'm very eager to find a new shidduch, and I think that's perfectly fine. But it's a good mindset to believe "I am complete (shalem)" already and that might even help me with the shidduch, as in not to rush and make a wrong decision. It also may help me with controlling the YH in this sense of P&M, i.e. I already have a great life, why act out?
So thanks for that, I'll work on it. It also makes me wonder, what should be my avodas Hashem right now, since I do have more free time. Maybe I should start something new and when I Bez"H get married I'll maintain it. Perhaps a new seder or more kiruv activities.

B"H had an amazing YK. Both in gashmius and ruchnius. In the gashmius department, it's funny, I had no headaches whatsoever, something quite new. In the ruchnius, being clean, even if for a short while, before and after has been blissful. I managed to focus on the davening quite a bit. I was the chazan too of Shacharis, which it was a completely new experience. And it gave me the necessary chizuk to keep growing in yiddishkeit.

Just wanted to mention a last thing. A quite ominuous event happened in the kapporos. The chicken actually scratched my left hand. It wasn't anything serious, but it bled and hurt quite a bit. I have a 6cm gash in my left hand as of now. I really believe in the Kabbalah and it was maybe part of the kapporo I needed (it was kapporos after all lol). Which made me wonder, why the left hand, and not the right one? Hope not to be triggering here, but I'll try to keep it short and Dai la mevin. If any mod feels this is triggering, please edit it.
I came up with an explanation. The left hand was the one that held the mobile phone and made me see forbidden stuff. Maybe that was even more serious than acting out. Because not only it ultimately led to the acting out, but in addition to that, I saw forbidden material, and as the seforim goes, the eyes are keneged Atzilus. 
Anyway, I don't take it in a negative tone, on the contrary. If now my left hand was mechapere'd, I'm only glad. Es Hashem oheiv Hashem ochioch...
A gut Yom Tov to the heilige chevre here.
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 20 Sep 2021 13:09 #372590

  • Snowflake
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B"H Day #8 clean.

Sunday, as I've repeated in the thread is always a more difficult day, particularly without the kids. B"H I've somehow kept extremely busy the whole day. In the morning I cleaned the house, did a nice sport, then took a quick shower, had my parents over for lunch so I cooked a little, then went to shul to help the rabbi bind lulavim. When I came back it was night time already. And B"H was pretty tired and no urges.
So far, so good B"H.
A gut Yom Tov.
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 20 Sep 2021 13:55 #372592

  • Hashem Help Me
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You are a real inspiration buddy.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Restarting the journey 23 Sep 2021 14:33 #372618

  • Snowflake
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Thanks guys.
B"H Day #11 clean. Yesterday, I was getting weird ideas about motzaei YT, since the kids were going back to their mom's and I'd be alone. So I took a cold shower on YT lol, even though the weather was quite cold here. It helped I guess. Over one hurdle.

A gut moed.
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 27 Sep 2021 14:17 #372707

  • Snowflake
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Fell yesterday.
But B"H still going. Trying not to give much attention to it.
B"H it was without porn, so a minor win at least. Didn't even use the phone.
I'll try not to give much attention to falls, due to my current difficult situation. I guess if I fall once every 2 weeks it's already a great progress than from falling everyday. Although I'll surely keep trying my best not to fall at all. Shabbos was quite stressful and I think things added up.
Back to day #1.
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 03 Oct 2021 19:50 #372853

  • Snowflake
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Had some more falls in-between. Deleted Instagram and Facebook from the phone. I'm done looking for non-tziusnidike pictures.
Also, I'm signing up for a Smiche program. It's quite intense and I hope to keep up, but Bez"H next year I could get the title, if I manage to keep up.
Hopefully that will be an extra motivation to quit P&M.
Today is day #1 again. (Fell yesterday).
Still, feeling optimistic. Rather nervous if I'll be able to keep up with the program (you kinda have to pay it upfront), but I figure, now's the time. I'm single and have more free time.
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 13 Oct 2021 13:16 #373240

  • Snowflake
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Hey guys,
So after many falls, I seem to be finally getting back up. It's only day #2 but, feeling more motivated overall. I've upped my game even more, now I'm doing daf Yomi, besides the smiche program. Trying to keep as busy as possible, especially with Torah, and hopefully ward off the YH.
Truth of the matter is, I think I lack motivation to stop. All the filters in the world won't stop me, unless I truly want to. I finally feel like regaining motivation, but I think it would be nice to take action to improve in that area and avoid feeling unmotivated again. Any suggestions? Perhaps a kabbalah book about the benefits of being shomer habris? Or other types of material too that could help me keep motivated.
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו
Last Edit: 13 Oct 2021 13:17 by Snowflake. Reason: grammar

Re: Restarting the journey 13 Oct 2021 14:20 #373243

It's very hard to be motivated when the addiction rewards us in such a powerful way and immediately. Still, if you want to approach your problem from that standpoint there are therapists and books that can help with motivation.

Recently I joined SA and I do find the fellowship tremendously motivating. But it was at the end of a long intellectual journey.
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