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Restarting the journey
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: Restarting the journey 7234 Views

Re: Restarting the journey 08 Jun 2021 19:46 #369646

  • HappyYid
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Snowflake wrote on 08 Jun 2021 17:32:
B"H Day #30 clean. A  whole month clean!
In commemoration, I've donated 30 USD to GYE. Not much, but maybe 1 USD per day, who knows? At 60 days clean, 60 USD, At 90 days, 90 USD? B"N lol, but it's a fun plan.
I wanted to thank GYE and the chevre. 30 days may not be a big streak, but these past few months, if someone told me I'd be 30 days clean, I'd seriously doubt that person. And so it happened, one day at a time B"H and thanks to everyone here.
Things are looking up now. Just by changing the mindset, a lot can be accomplished. The Besh"t says where a man's thoughts are, there he is. So let's tracht gut vet zeyin gut.
Have a clean woch!

Wow! 
Mazal tov!
That's such good news.

Keep it up!!
Feel free to contact me happyyid613@gmail.com
My thread

Re: Restarting the journey 10 Jun 2021 14:06 #369718

  • Snowflake
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Thanks guys! B"H day #32 (Lev) clean.

I have been having some small urges here and there, but my biggest trigger has been my emotions. Sometimes it all comes back, the memories of my past marriage, etc. I'm trying to avoid dwelling on old memories, trying to fight them back with bad memories, but the sadness and loneliness can be a bit overwhelming. B"H I told myself repeatedly that acting out would only increase the pain. Also, now's not the time to think who was to blame, or what could've been done. Instead, I should dwell on the future.

Just wanted to share a bit of what I've been reading from the gaon R'Elyahu DeVidas' reishis chochmo shaarei kedusho.

The eye's three sections, sclera (white of eye), iris and pupil are equivalent to Ek-yeh, Adnus and Y-K-V-K. They're also keneged iam okyanus (atlantic sea I think), yobasho (dry land) and the bas ayin, pupil, Yerusholoyim. The center of the bas ayin is keneged the Kodeish Hakodoshim. Rabboisai, when we are machnis images of arayos into the ayin, we're being machins a tzeilem inside the Kodeish Hakodoshim R"L.
Finally he says that in order to achieve tikkun hamachshovo, one first needs to be mesaken the reei'a (guard your eyes).
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 10 Jun 2021 17:18 #369727

  • yosef10
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Yea I here that, its really when I get in my head that it gets most difficult. 
"Sometimes the only Bechira we have is to ask for help"

Maybe you can gain something by following my journey... Or not, whatever works
MY Forum

Re: Restarting the journey 10 Jun 2021 18:02 #369732

  • yosef10
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Today I'm a shomer negiah, nice and frum jewish man. What tomorrow holds? I don't know. But being MZL is not helping me move forward.
So that's it, day 0 again, let's see how things play out.
Thank you all for worrying about me and sorry for not answering the messages.


I really like this part of you post, I think its showing your best self. Everyone has a day 0, its just about pushing forward ODAAT, and it sounds like you got that down.
"Sometimes the only Bechira we have is to ask for help"

Maybe you can gain something by following my journey... Or not, whatever works
MY Forum

Re: Restarting the journey 11 Jun 2021 13:13 #369765

  • Snowflake
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Thanks, I almost deleted that post. But oh well, at least I was brutally honest on what I was feeling.
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 13 Jun 2021 00:44 #369780

  • Snowflake
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B"H Day #35 clean.
A gut woch.
So, just to give you guys some background on what's going on in mind as of recently... On monday I decided to go back to the old apartment I used to live with my ex-wife, alone of course. The apartment is mine and vacant. I was considering selling it, but I really liked the kehile there and all the amenities (gym, pool, rec room for kids, etc). My only concern was and still is, reviving old memories. Since I decided going back on monday, and plan on moving this coming monday, I have been very busy with the preps. In the meantime I have visited the apartment a few times and it has, indeed, sparked some memories. Still overall, I think I'm making the correct decision (I spoke with my Rebbi and some friends). I really loved living there, just not with her. Bez"H I plan on getting married soon (no shidduch in sight as of now, just really looking for one) and thus build new memories there.
So it's mixed right now. On one hand, I'm very excited. I really missed being there and participating in the kehile. On the other hand, the memories are back stronger already. Still, I feel like right now, I'm in a stronger position, emotionally speaking.
So no major urges, other than the emotional triggers.
Wishing you all a clean und heilige woch.
Once more thank you all for the support!
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 15 Jun 2021 12:49 #369905

  • Snowflake
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B"H Day #37 clean.
Made the move, B"H everything went fine, it was just a bit exhausting.
So last night I was studying masseches Gittin 13a and came across a passage that aludes to lust addiction. Very interesting.
A small prelude:
The chochomim and R'Meir argue whether one can be chozer on a get to an eved cnaanis through a shliach. In other words, the rav (master) sends the get shichrur to the eved cnaanis through a shaliach. The shaliach hasn't yet delivered the get to the eved. The rav changes his mind. Can he retract? This machlokes is based on a principle "zochin haodom shelo be ponov". We can benefit someone, even if he's not present. So the question is, is it a zchus to the eved to be freed or not? Chochomim say yes, therefore he can't be chozer. Since it's a zechus to the eved, the moment the get reaches the hand of the shliach, the eved is free. R'Meir says no, it's not a zchus to the eved, so the master can retract before it reaches the eveds hands. Mai ta'ama de R' Meir?
In the midst of the machlokeis, R'Meir says that if the eved goes free, he becomes a Jew (ger), and he is osser to his shifcho cnaanis. The chochomim say, but then he becomes mutter to be nose'o a bas horin. R'Meir says, but he is willing to give up everything to be with his shifcho, which is pruzo, zilo, etc. (It's a "chov" for him to lose his shifcho, so he prefers to stay an eved, so the rav can be chozer)
Raboisai, man can give everything away, his yiddishkeit, his physical and spiritual cheirus so he can be with his shifcho (P&M). Like Dov says, how much are we moseir nefesh for our taivos...
Food for thought.
Once more, thank you for your support!
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 18 Jun 2021 15:07 #370008

  • Snowflake
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B"H day #40 clean.

Have been having quite a bit of urges lately. I thought I'd lose it last night.
B"H went for a walk and it helped.
How did I withstand the urges? I didn't let myself fantasize and removed myself from the environment. Many thoughts came yesterday, but I knew if I dwelt on them one single bit, I'd lose it. 
I saw keri this morning too. Perhaps time to up my shemiras eyinaim again. I think I've been lax. My seder limud faltered quite a bit too.
Other than that B"H still trucking.
Have a clean Shabbos everyone.
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 18 Jun 2021 15:52 #370010

  • HappyYid
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Keep it up!
Stay strong!

You could do it.
Feel free to contact me happyyid613@gmail.com
My thread

Re: Restarting the journey 20 Jun 2021 02:06 #370022

  • Snowflake
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B"H day #42 clean.

I tested positive for Covid-19 
On a brighter note, it's 6 weeks clean lol.
B"H no major symptoms. Just really feverish, a tad short of breath and quite sore. Let's just say I'm definitely not a 100%. At least for now the urges are quite dormant. Can't think of anything besides getting into my blankets and sleeping the whole day.
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 20 Jun 2021 03:22 #370024

  • EvedHashem1836
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I saw keri this morning too

I believe the prevailing mindset is not to worry about keri - especially if you aren't married

think it is normal for the body to have an excess of sperm and need to get rid of it
Think about how good you'll feel if you say no to desire and compare that to how bad you'll feel if you say yes.

Desire is unique in the way that it is never fulfilled -  if you give in the desire comes back even more powerful in just a few days. Telling yourself that its ok because this is really the last time doesn't work because you are just adding new images to your head that will cause future falls.

The Joy of triumph over the yetzer hara is worth the effort it takes to win. It IS worth it! Keep fighting!


My thread: 
Aiming to be better

Re: Restarting the journey 20 Jun 2021 03:44 #370025

  • MayanHamisgaber
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Refuah Sheliema
very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

Re: Restarting the journey 20 Jun 2021 13:08 #370036

  • Snowflake
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Thanks! It feels like I had a massive simches Toreh party last night, only I didn't lol. Kinda like a big hangover feeling.
Other than that, managing the fever and stuffy nose.
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 20 Jun 2021 14:08 #370039

  • Gevura Shebyesod
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Refua sheleima. 
!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through...


"If it would be so easy there wouldn't be a GYE, but if it would be impossible there also wouldn't be a GYE."

"Sometimes a hard decision leads to an easier outcome."

- General Grant



My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

Re: Restarting the journey 21 Jun 2021 13:23 #370062

  • Snowflake
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B"H day #43 clean
Last night my fever shot up to 102+ (39 C), even after taking dipyrone (an anti-pyretic twice as strong as tylenol). I was really not ok. Shivering non-stop, I went to the hospital. B"H they gave me more fever medicine, ran some tests and all was fine so they discharged me. My nose is really stuffed up and I'm sneezing all the time. But B"H I woke up refreshed, the fever finally receded. Mamash a neis.
It came to me that it sucks to be alone. I wish I had a wife to take care of me. But Bez"H I'll find a new bashert.
On the plus side, my parents were very helpful and are doing my groceries and whatnot.
On the tayve levels, the nice thing about being sick is you don't feel any taive at all. You just wanna make it through the day lol.
I tried smelling stuff and it's really funny not feeling any smells at all. I just came up with a shayle. Do I do bore miney besomin on the next havdole? But I think not right? It's a birkos neheynin. If I'm not neheyne...? Right? Dunno...
Might ask a Rov.

EDIT: Just as I thought:
dinonline.org/2020/09/30/loss-of-smell-due-to-covid/
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו
Last Edit: 21 Jun 2021 13:26 by Snowflake.
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