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Restarting the journey
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: Restarting the journey 9847 Views

Re: Restarting the journey 22 May 2021 22:35 #368815

  • Snowflake
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B"H Day #13 clean
A gut woch! Loving the shmoozing atmosphere in the thread lol.

I was a bit scared of spending Shabbes completely on my own (kids are at their mom's), but I went to shul last night and today, which really helped. Corona is in its 3rd wave here, but the shul I go to has very good precautions set up.
My father also came by in the afternoon, which really helped relieve my solitude.
Fortunately, no major urges, so still on the boat.
I have a shidduch date set up B"H, and that perhaps is driving me crazy. B"H not on the lust part, just plain anxious. I need to calm down or I'll look desperate in the date lol.
Really need to take the Guimel (Geduld), to the heart.
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 23 May 2021 14:42 #368851

  • DavidT
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Snowflake​, we are all daving for your success in the dating process! You should find a great wife and life partner very very soon.


On a side note about the ג=געלט  
Rav Levi Yitzchak of Barditchev once said, that if you were to squeeze out tefilos Yisroel, a lot of money would come pouring out...
But when you squeeze out the money, you'll find many mitzvos and masim tovim!
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com
Last Edit: 23 May 2021 14:44 by DavidT.

Re: Restarting the journey 23 May 2021 18:37 #368871

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Thanks David!

B"H Day#14 clean
"Haba letaher, messayein oto..."
Sunday is always a more difficult day, particularly when I'm without the kids. Nothing more challenging than having the whole day ahead of you without any obligations and being totally on your own. I knew I had to keep busy. I decided to do a sport in the morning, after davening and breakfast. I usually go out on my bike, but since I began this journey again, the thought hit me: "there are going to be TONS of immodestly dressed women on the street. Why not go to the gym in my parent's building? No one goes there."
So I did, and after a heavy work out, I thought, okay time to head home (it was like 10:30 am). So my mom meets me there and invites me for lunch. At first I'm a bit reluctant because I'm tired, but she insists. Then it came to me, G-d sent her to help me out. When I'm at my parents, the urges are very low. It was a great idea to shower there too. It's the complete solitude that's dangerous. So now, here I am back home 3:30 pm, and most of the day has gone by already, which definitely eases the burden.
I'm also back at the gemore seder... If I want to finish Shas in 10 years or so, I'd better hurry... 
Thank you all for the support! A gut woch.
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו
Last Edit: 23 May 2021 18:37 by Snowflake.

Re: Restarting the journey 25 May 2021 15:18 #368978

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B"H Day#16 clean

It just came to me how much I fell spiritually during the final months of my marriage and in its aftermath. Boy was it a fall. It wasn't just the acting out. I was seriously considering going back to being non frum. It was one dark hole, where there seemed to be no end in sight. Only now I seem to be recovering from everything that has happened in these past few months.
Certainly, not acting out has been helping tremendously in climbing out of this hole.
In a certain way, as a proud chabadnik, I can see this as a "yerido letzorech aliyoh". My teshuva was going slowly since I was 14, but only when I reached 22 I decided to go all out and in the next few months I got married for some 6 years. In a certain sense, the marriage was the "glue" of my teshuva. Once I left it, the glue stuck out too. Now I feel like I formed my own beliefs, independent of any external factors, and I feel a lot stronger. Sunday night I studied 4 dafim of gemore and last night 3. I feel like I'm finally unleashing my potential. 

Here's my advice to anyone who's having an urge and you're alone at home. Pick a very difficult gemore, Shabbes, Bava Metzia, Gittin, you name it. Pick a good gemore shiur (ou.org has tons), and dive deep. You're guaranteed to forget everything and have a good time. Heck I even forgot about my shidduch date lol.

Have a clean woch everyone!
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 25 May 2021 18:03 #368994

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Snowflake wrote on 25 May 2021 15:18:
B"H Day#16 clean

It just came to me how much I fell spiritually during the final months of my marriage and in its aftermath. Boy was it a fall. It wasn't just the acting out. I was seriously considering going back to being non frum. It was one dark hole, where there seemed to be no end in sight. Only now I seem to be recovering from everything that has happened in these past few months.
Certainly, not acting out has been helping tremendously in climbing out of this hole.
In a certain way, as a proud chabadnik, I can see this as a "yerido letzorech aliyoh". My teshuva was going slowly since I was 14, but only when I reached 22 I decided to go all out and in the next few months I got married for some 6 years. In a certain sense, the marriage was the "glue" of my teshuva. Once I left it, the glue stuck out too. Now I feel like I formed my own beliefs, independent of any external factors, and I feel a lot stronger. Sunday night I studied 4 dafim of gemore and last night 3. I feel like I'm finally unleashing my potential. 


Great to hear! It helps not to be self absorbed and always looking to soothe.

Here's my advice to anyone who's having an urge and you're alone at home. Pick a very difficult gemore, Shabbes, Bava Metzia, Gittin, you name it. Pick a good gemore shiur (ou.org has tons), and dive deep. You're guaranteed to forget everything and have a good time. Heck I even forgot about my shidduch date lol.

Let us know how this goes

Re: Restarting the journey 27 May 2021 10:33 #369084

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B"H Day #18 clean

Cross that over Striving Avrech. I have a better suggestion for an urge.
As I was coming home from work rather early yesterday, an urge came. I was pretty tired and the kids were gone (remember HALT). I knew what I had to do. Stopped by just to drink a glass of water, use the bathroom and got back into the car to buy tzorchei Shabbos. Then I arrived later at home and the urge was gone. 
Leaving the house seems to work best for me. When you leave the triggering environment, total solitude, you already feel better.
The gemore helps too (I focus so much I forget everything else), my seder has never been better, but perhaps be shaas hadchak, leaving the house is the thing. Since I live alone now, I always have something I need to buy (bread, milk for breakfast, cleaning products, fruits, etc).
Thank you all for the support!
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 27 May 2021 14:01 #369094

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Hey snowflake, I never said hello to you but it's never too late. (I do read your posts)

Just wanted to tell you how amazing you are for your progress and how in touch you are with yourself.

Even though you're divorced you keep on climbing!
I am bh married and I don't know how well I would be doing if I cv wasn't. Not that marriage necessarily helps the physical aspect of being able to 'release in a mutter way', but that I feel that being married just makes it more complicated to act out, there is someone there to hide from, someone to answer up to... But being alone all by yourself, would make it so much easier to just 'live it up', because who cares, noone knows, you don't have to answer up to anyone (except Hashem obviously). So I give you much credit for working on this nisayon.

I hope all goes well with your shidduchim parsha.

Thanks for the inspiration!
Keep it up!
HappyYid
Feel free to contact me happyyid613@gmail.com
My thread

Re: Restarting the journey 27 May 2021 14:49 #369097

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Hello HappyYid! Nice to meet you
Thanks for the feedback!
Indeed, to be honest, in the beginning I was thinking exactly like that: "it's between me and G-d, no one needs to know, etc". And I was indeed pessimistic about shidduchim. Having had a failed marriage before, I grew skeptical about marriage in general. So I was stuck in a rut.
Changing the outlook and mindset really helped. I guess that's why chochomim say one should always be married. Being single is too much of a risk. Of course one shouldn't get married just not to act out. But we must admit it's one of the reasons. And I don't necessarily mean by having a mutter way of release like you well pointed out. Rather, the companionship and like you said, the responsibility of being accountable to someone else helps a lot. Also the loneliness of single life and being completely on your own in solitude is dangerous.
But B"H I have been coping.
Thanks for the heads up, it's always encouraging to get feedback from fellow GYErs.
BTW tonight I have a date.
Please daven for me
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו
Last Edit: 27 May 2021 14:55 by Snowflake.

Re: Restarting the journey 28 May 2021 16:03 #369142

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Day #19 B"H Clean
Not much time here, so just wanna say that B"H still strong.
No major urges.
Have a clean Shabbos everyone!
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 30 May 2021 13:10 #369193

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B"H Day #21, 3 weeks clean.

I had a very stressful Shabbos but I made it B"H. Erev Shabbos afternoon I get a call from my ex-wife. The maid's got COVID-19 so I gotta test myself and the 2 kids. I call all the local pharmacies around but they're all booked up. I manage to schedule for today (sunday) 9 am. B"H already tested everyone and all 3 turned up negative. But my daughter was very symptomatic all over the weekend. Runny nose, cough, sneeze, light fever, fatigued... I was super worried. I tried to reassure myself everything is in G-d's hand. She woke up several times at dawn due to stuffed nose, and so did I to attend to her. Some urges during Shabbos while trying to take a nap, but manage to push them away.
Up for a second date tonight Bez"H. I was worried of turning positive and having to cancel it.
Thank you all for the support! Have a clean woch. 
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 30 May 2021 14:41 #369200

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When we have a weak moment all we need to think is "if Snowflake can do it, what excuse do I have?!" 
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com

Re: Restarting the journey 01 Jun 2021 12:58 #369304

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Thanks David and thank you all for the "thank you's". It's always motivating to know the GYE family has my back.

B"H Day #23 clean
No major urges B"H... Sometimes I'm in the bathroom and a flash thought comes "just a little bit lust, here try it" and I try to supress it asap. Zero tolerance to lust is what works for me. I know that if I let myself loose on the fantasizing, I fall. I know you're tired of hearing this, but phone out of the bathroom is the deal-breaker for me. I kinda have a "slow" stomach so I might spend 15 mins in the bathroom, sometimes. In such case I have kosher secular books there to entertain me lol.
Also, I'd like to share that being focused on a nice seder has been helping me a lot. Particularly, gemore. Yeah I kinda cheat, but it just feels so good. At night, when the kids are asleep or when I'm alone, I just play Rabbi Elefant's Daf Yomi shiur (ou.org) and let him take me through the gemore. It's so much easier guys, you've gotta try it. Just hit play and let the gaon R'Elefant take you through the gemore. The ideal would be for me to try and crack it down myself, but at night, after a rough day's work and tending to a household and 2 kids, if I don't play the shiur, I won't open the gemore at all. In fact, when I get lazy, I just say to myself, I'll just hit the play, if I'm too tired I'll just stop the shiur. I end up liking it so much that I always go through. It's only 45 mins and he gives you some Rashi, Tosfos, Rishonim and nice vorts here and there. Add some yiddish vocab to spice things up and there you have the perfect gemore shiur. I don't even do daf yomi, I just pick the massechta I like and listen to his shiur at my pace. He is at the second or third cycle already, so you can pick any massechta you like. Frankly, although it's daf Yomi, it's such a quality shiur I doubt I'd reach anywhere close to the insights he goes through, were I to do it all by myself. He's a bit too fast so I go back often.
On the shidduch department, it's a secret , I'm not supposed to share it here. But Bez"H very optimistic!
Snow.
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 06 Jun 2021 17:51 #369516

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B"H Day #28 (Koach) clean.

Nearing a month Bez"H. It's been a while since I managed to stay clean for this long. I can't even remember when I made it this far.
Urges come and go, especially after some emotional let downs. The last shidduch didn't really work out. On the other hand, I'm glad it didn't, it wasn't really right for me. Perhaps I was overlooking a lot of things just to get married soon. Anyhow, it's a bit depressing, but liberating at the same time. I was gonna make so many concessions. It just didn't feel right. Needless to say, my YH approached me and offered some help. I politely declined lol.
I'm trying to keep an optimistic mindset. I know trusting H"KBH and being patient is the way to go. I like to think that by not acting out, I'm upgrading my shidduch potential lol. When the right bashert comes, I'll know it's the right one. If I feel like I'm making too many concessions, or overlooking too many differences something's not right.
That's it for now, trying not to feel down or pessimistic.
Thank you all and have a clean woch.
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 08 Jun 2021 17:32 #369637

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B"H Day #30 clean. A  whole month clean!
In commemoration, I've donated 30 USD to GYE. Not much, but maybe 1 USD per day, who knows? At 60 days clean, 60 USD, At 90 days, 90 USD? B"N lol, but it's a fun plan.
I wanted to thank GYE and the chevre. 30 days may not be a big streak, but these past few months, if someone told me I'd be 30 days clean, I'd seriously doubt that person. And so it happened, one day at a time B"H and thanks to everyone here.
Things are looking up now. Just by changing the mindset, a lot can be accomplished. The Besh"t says where a man's thoughts are, there he is. So let's tracht gut vet zeyin gut.
Have a clean woch!
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 08 Jun 2021 17:56 #369638

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Snowflake wrote on 08 Jun 2021 17:32:
B"H Day #30 clean. A  whole month clean!

I wanted to thank GYE and the chevre. 30 days may not be a big streak, but these past few months, if someone told me I'd be 30 days clean, I'd seriously doubt that person. And so it happened, one day at a time B"H and thanks to everyone here.


Well, it's actually a VERY big streak. 720 clean hours! (43200 clean minutes) 
Keep it up!!
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com
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