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I will make it b'e"h
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: I will make it b'e"h 213044 Views

Re: I will make it b'e"h 09 Jan 2018 21:47 #325138

  • mikestrucking
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MayanHamisgaber wrote on 09 Jan 2018 19:46:

mikestruggling wrote on 09 Jan 2018 13:02:
Markz- What's up with the pudding? Can I have some?
Mayan- If it's your last time why are you feeling stupid? You should feel great from now on no more acting out! Baruch Hashem!
On the other hand, if you feel stupid then it may not be the last time.
Smile Hashem loves you.
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!

Very funny guys
I think anyone who is honest with himself feels the same
Maybe stupid was the wrong word maybe I should have written ashamed as per my give and take with Tzomah but whatever I will explain my feelings
I was/am ashamed to admit about my fall why because I hold myself better than this and maybe that is the problem i.e.ego it was to the extant that I was not even going to click I had a fall but I can not live with a lie but right now I just want to dig a grave and bury myself in it and end it all.

I know everyone means well but I am a shy and sensitive piece of dirt 

Don't worry. I can relate.
I shared today with someone in program all my feelings and I said my life is not unmanageable because I may die. I don't care. I don't like my life. He insinuated that maybe it's because I'm in a spree and I can't forgive myself (i.e. I hate/resent myself). Today I recognized that yes I hate myself for acting out. That's the simple truth.
Now I can work with that I'm right now sipping on a beer to spoil myself and show myself some affection. So yes of course it is normal to hate yourself after acting out. However you can and will love yourself when you get back on the horse.
Smile you are gonna love yourself.
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
Formerly mikestruggling I just bought a truck. l hang out in the trailer and G-d drives. 
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!

Re: I will make it b'e"h 09 Jan 2018 22:04 #325139

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Dirt don't have feelings...
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Re: I will make it b'e"h 09 Jan 2018 22:06 #325140

  • MayanHamisgaber
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You are right 

I am a shy and sensitive piece of rotting dying putrid flesh that will soon be nothing but dirt eaten by worms and smelling worse than a week old piece if meat
very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

Re: I will make it b'e"h 09 Jan 2018 22:23 #325141

  • tzaddik212
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Mayan Hamisgaber is a Neshomo, which is a Chelek Alokie Mimal. You are a Piece of the Kisei Hakovod. Your the most precious thing in the world.
Check out my recovery story at: guardyoureyes.com/forum/2-What-Works-for-Me/323855-Re-What-got-me-to-day-92#323859
Feel free to send me an Email at: zestful718@hotmail.com

Re: I will make it b'e"h 09 Jan 2018 22:28 #325142

  • MayanHamisgaber
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Maybe I was maybe I still am but I have very much soiled this thing and to get the muck and grime off aint gonna be easy or anytime soon
very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

Re: I will make it b'e"h 10 Jan 2018 01:20 #325145

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MayanHamisgaber wrote on 09 Jan 2018 22:06:
You are right 

I am a shy and sensitive piece of rotting dying putrid flesh that will soon be nothing but dirt eaten by worms and smelling worse than a week old piece if meat

This would happen to you even if you would never act out/fall...
the same will happen with your friend who is perfect (in your eyes) & he is not feeling so bad about it. It will happen to all of us one day, doesn't matter if we think about it or not. So why focus on it? Especially now that you need some chizuk?
(I know the answer, it makes you feel better that at least you're angry when you act out. But I'm not sure it's the right approach)
Let's enjoy life as long as we are alive! I once saw a quote: "Life is short, eat dessert first".

Hatzlacha rabba! Be happy! (at least try...)

Re: I will make it b'e"h 10 Jan 2018 01:22 #325146

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I would hate my self for the fall & feel stupid to think that it was the last time...

Re: I will make it b'e"h 10 Jan 2018 11:17 #325174

  • mikestrucking
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Everyone cheer up. Mayan when you read this think of the beautiful views there are in your neighborhood. Think of flowers trees sunshine ice cream herring 18-wheelers whatever. The Riboinoi Shel Oilam created a beautiful world. For you. Enjoy it.
Buy yourself a treat you are a great person who is making great strides working on yourself. Even if you weren't working on recovery you are still worth loving because you are a child of G-d. I was in self pity yesterday I treated myself yesterday and it did wonders for my recovery.
Look outside the the sun is shining. Life is good and it will get better.
Formerly mikestruggling I just bought a truck. l hang out in the trailer and G-d drives. 
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!

Re: I will make it b'e"h 10 Jan 2018 12:03 #325177

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MayanHamisgaber wrote on 09 Jan 2018 22:06:
You are right 

I am a shy and sensitive piece of rotting dying putrid flesh that will soon be nothing but dirt eaten by worms and smelling worse than a week old piece if meat

i saw this vort from r' tzvi meir zilberberg
that the aron is kneged a yisroel on the outer layer is gold (ego driven impressing) 
inside is wood that can be roten and full of worms but in there is another gold box and that is the real essence of the person 
so go in deeper don't focus on the fall and definitely you can work on burying your ego/shame 
but there will still be shining gold on the inside so no need to worry now about the rotting wood/flesh
just get deeper in touch with yourself

like a bridge over troubled waters


my stuff

Re: I will make it b'e"h 10 Jan 2018 12:37 #325179

  • MayanHamisgaber
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Cute vort

I will try but I need help and cannot call people till late next week I h*** I can stay sane till then as stress is very high and money is very low and I am not sleeping and the wife is understandably under tons of stress blah blah blah, not giving excuses just stating the facts of the situation.........
very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

Re: I will make it b'e"h 10 Jan 2018 14:39 #325185

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Mayan be proud of yourself for caring. The fact that falling bothers you so much is actually a sign that you are on the right path.
Stay strong and KIT. 

And very important..
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through...


"If it would be so easy there wouldn't be a GYE, but if it would be impossible there also wouldn't be a GYE."

"Sometimes a hard decision leads to an easier outcome."

- General Grant



My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

Re: I will make it b'e"h 12 Jan 2018 12:13 #325374

  • MayanHamisgaber
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Have a great  Shabbos everyone stay clean but more importantly be happy.

KOMTNMW
very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

Re: I will make it b'e"h 14 Jan 2018 21:52 #325490

  • MayanHamisgaber
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Farewell all I do not know the availability I will have to log on to gye in the near future but I will bl"n keep in touch thru other means 

I will always remember all of you you have all helped me alot

Thank you  
very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

Re: I will make it b'e"h 14 Jan 2018 21:56 #325492

  • lionking
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MayanHamisgaber wrote on 14 Jan 2018 21:52:
Farewell all I do not know the availability I will have to log on to gye in the near future but I will bl"n keep in touch thru other means 

I will always remember all of you you have all helped me alot

Thank you  

Have a safe and uneventful trip!
Wishing you much Hatzlocha and will IY"H have you in mind.
Mishana Mokom Mishana Mazel. I pray you should be successful in all your endeavors.
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: I will make it b'e"h 14 Jan 2018 22:45 #325495

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Mayan have a safe trip and Hatzlacha getting settled in your new matzav. Looking forward to good news when you are able to get back on. 

KOMT!!
!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through...


"If it would be so easy there wouldn't be a GYE, but if it would be impossible there also wouldn't be a GYE."

"Sometimes a hard decision leads to an easier outcome."

- General Grant



My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends
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