Well here I am, aaaagain! Actually this is the first time I've posted in this forum but I've decided to give it a 90-days go. Again. Oh boy.

BH married, 2 wonderful kids and a good job. Good learning and constantly striving for closeness to Hashem. Now have to kick this habit.

I'm in two minds. One one hand, it's good to track progress and discuss your falls and high moments. It gives chizuk for the long haul ahead. However is there not also an idea that the less attention you give something, the less of a problem it is? Any ideas?

Well here I am on day 1. The bulk of Shavuos to Rosh Hashonah is about passed. We're in Bamidbar - a desolate stretch of Torah (from Beha'aloscha at least) where we as a nation fell gravely and were beaten time and time again, due to Ta'avah and Kavod. All put to an end by Pinchas's sole act of zealousness, the seal to all the impure outflow. And I feel it reflects in the time of year. Nothing's happening! No Chagim. Worse, 17th of Tammuz, 9th of Av. It's the Yetzer Hara's playing ground and I always get knocked down strongest here. It's a metzi'us.  So I wish to be a phoenix rising from the ashes of a downtrodden nation. And let's all be that together iyH. 

Elul will be a lot easier I feel. It's the desolate months of Tammuz and Av that pose the real challenge. But let's see how it goes. Day 1!

Hi


I think you may be misunderstanding our struggle thinking its an external nuisance, when it usually has more to do with our emotions and escape patterns to the Midbar

Youre welcome to desert the desert and assert your singularity on the GYE TRUCKING Hi-Way

No definitely it's deep and holistically connected to emotions and tendencies. Though Chazal set the Torah Reading cycle with Chochmah obviously and perhaps the themes resonate with the human psyche, the mazalos, etc. Food for thought.

Day 3 and still going strong!! BH

Glad you're here.  I'm back again too.  Day 6 from porn and 7 from acting out.  Not thinking about it is like not thinking about that pink elephant.  Best to acknowledge that your brain is having those thoughts because you're going through withdrawal.  It's normal.  Cravings don't last forever we just think they will.  Have a plan of what to do when the cravings hit and redirect yourself to something positive, something consistent with your values.  Above all self compassion.  

Welcome.  You write deep stuff. I like it.

I've managed to stay clean for 21 days. Longest, probably, ever for me. And without tashmish. Tremendous self control. I feel Alive. Even though it's hard. 

It's been amazing and I've been feeling and seeing hashem guide me along through this process and in my life.
By Krias yam suf, it says vayisau - rashi says they just needed to go, and ein hayam Omed bifnayhem. Once a person goes and says, that's it, then hashem will guide them. And also, the yam disappears. First 1-2 week are really hard, but if you can manage to get through them, and it seems like you're on track to do so, it should get a lot easier. Hatzlacha. 

The summer months are hard for me too. I think it's something about the heat and relaxed pace that makes me let my guard down a bit.

KOT!

Hi.

It's winter for us southern hemispheres people  but it still gets to me. 
7 days and going strong BH!

 Hey, sing, I'll gladly send you some heat and humidity if that's what you're missing .

KOT - and don't forget your snowplow...They are expecting two feet of snow...

 

Day 14! Two weeks BH. One of them Niddah >.< So I hope that goes to show a truer commitment. 

One of the scariest realities is acting out during niddah. It's such a betrayal to your wife, like a stab in the back. Utterly gruesome. It's just scary. She's doing all the bedikos to Metaher herself just for you and you go and ruin it all. Chutzpah! May we all merit to be strong in our struggles, especially in this crucial time of bein ha'Meitzarim. Hatzlocha all!

Singularity wrote on 25 Jul 2016 12:51:

Just curious, how is it more of a betrayal than acting out when she is not during niddah?

I don't think she is doing all the bedkos just for you. our wives do it for themselves and to have a closer  marriage. and we throw it all away when we look at it as its just for s*x.

Bigmoish wrote on 25 Jul 2016 14:31:

Probably not. But just not as dramatic

Okay. Day 7 PG! Just the start of it...*

It's been a trying time. Though let me speak it out and try clarify for myself.

I am at a job where I recently changed positions. When I first started out, things were going great BH I landed in a position where I worked on a system and it was extremely successful. I even got employee of the year!!! --- however the system kinda went on autopilot so I went into the real IT department and *felt* like my work dropped like crazy... I was allocated to mundane, repetitive projects that were really soul sucking (for example, pressing a button and waiting for half an hour for something to happen. And my wife can testify. I had to do it at home. It took a whole night of pressing buttons). It also left me with a lot more time where I wasn't doing anything, and we all know what happens when that happens... So the dangerous thing is I took more and more risks (watched youtube very secretively, the most degrading things, in an open office!) just to get my fix. And I know the trigger. A combination of boredom and very intense feelings of worthlessness. I'm not doing anything. I'll never accomplish anything.

And then a tipping point emerged when I was expected to work late, overtime, weekends, holidays to meet crucial deadlines. Now I know there are a million opinions however my wife and I are adamant on family time and if these demanding conditions were present at the beginning of the job then I probably wouldn't have taken it. So I (and I admit it wasn't handled the best way possible, but I) complained and asked to be moved to my previous position and work on more integration and whatnot.

However the transition was shaky as I was told I exerted a perception of not being motivated and not having done that great work. Which was a hit because I thought I had kept those feelings undercover and just got along with what I had to do. However I guess you can only hide true feelings for so long and it sure did have an impact on my work quality. So my permanent contract diminished to a probationary 3-month contract set to terminate in november if they see no use for me. Which I am slowly coming to terms with, because what's the point of my being in a place of work I have absolutely no interest in, and they don't need me either, just for some money? I don't know. It's a massive cheshbon, what with a family and everything else. And I asked a rav about it too. He said it's not necessarily a bad thing to leave. Even if it's tight financially. Not that my current salary is enough either. But parnossa is up to Hashem. Perhaps He has in mind something much greater for me. And this is obviously all just a test.

So I learned up a new system and improving the current system whenever needed. Yet the interim is still fraught with lots of free time. And being the deep thinker Hashem has blessed me with, I get to worrying A LOT - "I'm stealing from them! Why am I even being paid to be here?? What am I doing??!?? Should I have stayed in the previous position?"
And then in the late afternoon, when most people have left, I go right back to lusting. The dark crevices of youtube (I feel it's like my drug dealer. You hate its guts, wish you could shoot it in the head, but you can't get rid of it. You need it too much), and who knows what's worse out there? Chances are I'll find it. And I'm doing even riskier stuff just wishing I could stop. Just like everyone else here I guess...

And my wife and I are finding it hard to integrate. We have a community of kollel/yeshiva guys, however my wife and I are both ba'alei tshuva having never grown up in that society, both our families are secular and we just don't have an "in" to these guys who have been best friends since they were kids, their families grew up together etc. It's like a massive web of deep history and we're standing there with our tiny spider strands, aimlessly shoving the feeble lines into any small hole we can find. And it's frustrating. And we're both very introverted. We like a small group of friends, small shabbos gatherings. We get so overwhelmed by large groups. I close off, my wife steals away with me. Our relationship is fantastic though! However I don't have a real friend really, it's very lonely when I'm not with my wife. And I can't be with her aaaalllllways. Though that would be nice.
And Rosh Hashona is coming. And I know that I will have a dual perception. On one hand, wishing to do Teshuva and accepting Hashem as king of all, but on the other hand, resenting everything around me because nobody there talks to me, That what's there to this frumkeit if it leaves me lonely and desperate? The children's books are all lies! Where everyone loves everyone and learns Torah all the time. So I tried making friends by learning. Turns out nobody wants to learn. Like They'd rather talk about business or soccer (in commonwealth countries it's a big deal, America). I feel I have no attachment to those things therefore no connection whatsoever to anyone else....

So these anxieties creep up on me:

1. General lack of direction or worth due to not having anything productive to do in large stretches of time at work, feeling too guilty to do other things in that time
2. Lack of connection to others due to vastly different backgrounds, social ineptitude and different interests

and they provoke me more and more to escape into my fantasy world of schmutz.

But I will get up, dust myself off and carry on. Doing what, you may ask? Here's somewhat a game plan:

1. I researched local SA meetings and have found one (absolute hashgocha) on the way home from work at that time as well! and this past monday I was so intent on going, I *almost* did but chickened out at the last second which I do furiously regret. I want to attend the next meeting. It's a mixed meeting. Is that bad? MARKZ! I know you're reading this, you read everything, you're amazing. Is a mixed meeting good or bad? I thought I'd try it out and see. It can't be so detrimental just one time. I just chickened out. But I need to do this.
2. I want to restructure my learning. Right now I am doing the Daf Yomi and Daf Yomi b'Halocha. BH I even went through Bava Kama and wrote 3 of the 4 30-daf tests! But when I finished I felt even worse than usual and since Tuesday have been in a massive slump. Because I thought Daf Yomi is unifying. But I did it by myself (ok don’t think of me as some brain child) and didn’t connect with anyone really. So it only emphasized the loneliness. I want to find a good shiur, like even if I don’t track a lot of ground, I’ll work together in a framework with other likeminded guys. I want to be part of something bigger. And it may help the loneliness.

That’s it for now. One week down, shaky, but strong, I hope. Onto the holydays!

Ok brother 

Lots of similarities I find with you and me, so thanks for giving me a shout

Youtube was my favorite past time 

Boring work or the stagnant times I had recently when I was working from home on different job seeking opportunities, were a recipe for dissatisfaction and lust. Well... so I thought till I joined GYE. 

Then after joining gye and posting daily (which virtually no one else does on this virtual site) something changed for me and I realized that it's not necessarily the outside circumstances of life that drive us to Lust, rather some internal bug, so we just need a little tech support and all will be fine.I would too seek a different job - I couldn't cope in a situation like yoursHey what were you saying about chicken and "mixed" - there's mixed feelings at the SA meeting?I will say, that if I had to choose between "youtubing" objectifying women and worse, or "SAmeeting" with women, I know what I would choose

This week's Torah reading it states "החיים והמות נתתי לפניך, ובחרת בחיים"

I wish you a Shana Tova

לחיים טובים ולשלום

Mark

Let me start by saying both of my parents are Baal teshuva 
I can really empathize with your loneliness in the community
when my father moved us from a small  Jewish community with alot of BT to one of the big heimishe ones it was a big mistake 
It took us kids YEARS to "fit in" and he still doesn't .he belongs in a community where he can watch a ballgame or talk about sports and yes sometimes reminisce about his youth with other guys that had the same upbringing but he doesn't and now that he's older he's getting very depressed.please for your own sake and for the sake of your kids and yes for the sake of beating your addiction explore the possibilities of moving to a community with alot of BT's .you will feel that you belong you will enjoy going to shul to learn etc.etc. wich in turn will eliminate alot of empty time (and we both know what spare time alone does to us )
I might not be the first to suggest this but maybe hearing it from the 2nd generation will give you that push to go live somewhere else 

Thanks Meier, that's very enlightening.

Markz: Yeah it's such a simple decision when you put it like that. This monday PG I'll be there. And will report back about it. Don't know if another job is viable right now, but I am working on some other projects... will see.

Okay. 13 Days and going good BH. Rosh Hashona was nice. Hope everyone else enjoyed it too.

Day 18!

Good news everyone. 
Well I've had a pretty rough last 2 weeks. In terms of shmiras eynayim but mostly personal motivation, self esteem, getting up for minyonim, learning etc.
But one thing I can put on my mizbeach and makriv to Hashem is such, that yesterday I was going to be at my in-laws working while my wife and her mother and the kids went out shopping. They have a computer completely unprotected, and with my last ounce of strength I swallowed my pride and told my wife and her mother they need to password protect the PC.
And when they left, the urge was so enormous that I didn't even feel myself walking towards the computer, but when I got there, I had to enter a password! Think about all that Gehinnom I was just saved from! That's my personal Korban for AYT. I hope it's enough to pass ^.^

PG going to SAA meeting today.

I'm a fan of SAA. I don't really agree with the SA sobriety definition and SAA allows you to set your own button lines. Also I have found the fellowship to be more open.

Is there a me'akev difference between SA and SAA? I'm going to SAA because it's on the way home from work at a convenient time as opposed to SA, which is on the other side of town in a church at a really bad time.

Great going brother!!

KEEP ON TRUCKING!!

Singularity wrote on 10 Oct 2016 10:37:

I would love to talk to you about this. My number is in my signature. You can call me anonymously if you want. The similarities are much more than the differences. However, SA is easier for the newcomer because in SAA you have to define your bottom lines. Although I do think there's value in that. SA is more direct about their program than SAA. 

Thanks so much. google voice? does that cost like a phone call? Coz' I can't really do that. Maybe we can VOIP sometime. I will go tonight and let y'all know what I think.

It's a call forwarding software. So myself phone will ring but I don't give away a private number. Call me whenever, I check my messages and I'm pretty good at getting back to people.

Went to my first meeting last night. So interesting. It was comforting to see another frum yid there. Whom I've seen from around as well. He was very helpful and insightful. It's just a good environment, people from all walks of life just wanting to beat this thing. It was very sobering. We're in it together. PG I'll keep going. Well after a three week hiatus due to monday night yomtovs haha. But I can't wait to go back. I feel like after so long I'm finally doing something to fight it. Anyway Gmar Chasima Tovah to all, brocha v'hatzlocha.

Hi guys.

BH over 30 days. With a slight slip, viewing an inappropriate image on erev Shabbos Sukkos. My phone is blocked but I had an urge and my wife's phone was charging nearby. I did a google plus search, but stopped and decided to push for the early mincha. 
I believe I should install a filter on her phone as well. But BH nothing resulted from it. However I do feel sluggish. My expectations of Yamim Tovim are being challenged now that I have some kids BH. Can't just do whatever you want anymore, it becomes more about the children. But I always have personal bias and selfishness. Working on it BH. 
So I've taken active steps in integrating into a shiur, a community, and a good foundation and SUSTAINABILITY in my learning structure. That's mostly what I'm looking for. Going full steam and burning out leaves me much more open to take in shtus. And I don't want that to happen.
Going to the meeting this coming monday. I have to take down the Yetzer Hora on so many fronts!
So my goals for this year are:

1. Becoming closer with my family, no excuses
2. Integrating into community / shiur
3. Lose weight, eat healthily, get back into running
4. connect with SAA and develop a support group.

B'Hatzlocha all!

You sound like a man with a plan.

Great to see your progress and hearing your story. Behatslaha Rabba keep it up and put filters everywhere!

Moudmack wrote on 27 Oct 2016 03:37:

Hmmm, filters everywhere? That doesn't sound practical. What about the attractive woman on the street? What about his wife? What about emotional triggers? Don't think you can filter that. I do applaud him on joining a program of spirituality. KUTGW.

why not?

Singularity wrote on 27 Oct 2016 11:07:

That was excellent. I loved that. Raised karma for you.

Thank you kind sir. It makes me a much karma person.

Hi guys

Day 35? Good BH. I like big numbers.

The last three days have been wonderful. I've been maintaining a good schedule. The shul I go to, they auction off Hakofas on Simchas Torah for hours of learning. Last year I bid an insane amount, 323 hours, for Sh'vi'i of the day. You get until the end of Chanukah to finish it. It amounted to 70 days. Do the math and that's an average of over four hours a day. Now consider one kid, a pregnant (and VERY supportive) wife and an 8-hour-a-day job. My wife would take care of our daughter at night so I could get some sleep and wake up at 3:30 to get in about 4 hours of learning before work. It really transformed me. I felt I was really mekayeim the pasuk kol hayom hi sichasi. Think Torah, live Torah, breathe Torah. I learned thoroughly the gemora Niddah and large chunks of Tur Shulchan Aruch on the topics. I wrote a fantastic summary of siman 186 in Yoreh Deah. We even went on holiday in between. I would get up early, do Shacharis on the roof overlooking the sea and SHTEIG! on the beach! (without my far-seeing glasses on )
On the last day (Zois Chanukah), I remember the last hour, typing out a gevaldiked'var Torah about Yosef's Malchus vs. Yehuda's Malchus according to Rav Shimshon Pincus. And after that I was drained, emotionally, spiritually. I wanted to rest. To wake up later than 3:30 AM for once! So as you can figure out, it was unsustainable (obviously). 
This year I vouched for a little over 2 hours a day, which is very attainable, given I am now in a shiur for an hour and I have a chavrusa for an hour and give a Dirshu shiur for about ten minutes a day. And I feel good and motivated and the commitment keeps me coming to the shiruim and the chavrusas which is really building up goal 2 of the year: integration into society. and WHAT a shiur! It's an amud yomi shiur, given by a wonderful rav who has Smicha from Rav Moshe Feinstein. For the first time in my life I was in awe, as I sat in the shiur watching him talk, I was thinking, I am hearing the Torah of r' Moshe Feinstein. I feel connected. To chachamim, z'keinim and ultimately to Sinai and Hashem. I only wish to build on this.

A sobering disclaimer, though, is that post-Sukkos has always been a high period for me. I feel that this tremendous yoke has been lifted and now I can "do my own thing" in my yiddishkeit. Funny that. The yomim noraim I feel is like a giant checklist: slichos long davening shofar tashlich slichos kaparos slichos fasting building buying leaves making sure they don't dry out buying more leaves replacing dried out leaves yomtovs eating sleeping eating shlepping lulav making sure there are no sudden movements that will clip off the tips moving out your house sleeping in the mud crazily moving back in due to rain moving back out cooking cleaning aravos all night learning quasi sukkah meals hakafos and dancing dancing dancing (community breakfast).
and Now I can breathe, go to a normal Shacharis at a normal time and have more time to learn .
Thought this holiday was different, I felt. I took Sukkos a lot more seriously. I was mevater most of my learning time knowing it was Ratzon Hashem to shlep build cook eat. and It's just my ego getting in the way. Whenever I remember my first frum Simchas Torah, I want to kick myself in the teeth. The conversation went something like this:

A friend and I were looking for a place desperately to learn. In some Batei Midrash, people were dancing, others, Rosh Yeshiva's families had moved over for the Chag and beds were everywhere.
Me: This is ridiculous.
Friend: Yeah. There isn't a single place to learn in peace and quiet!
Me: Right? It's not fair! All they're doing is dancing. We actually want to LEARN the Torah!

What Chutzpah! I now want to tell myself, Rashah! Where was this burning desire when you slept late every day of Zman!? Now you think you're so righteous because you wish to learn!? Go put on a dunce cap, dance and thank Hashem for this enormous gift!!!

So BH I've changed. And all in 5 short years.
And the 2 hours a day is SUSTAINABLE! And I've been reading up on lots of material on GYE in my downtime at work, stories from "you and Eye", and other people's journeys. Maybe I can't be so outgoing in real life but on the forum, it's good practice in the middah to really feel for others and post meaningfully and not just say "WOW, good work"!

so the sobering disclaimer ha'na"l is that BH these last three days have been great and I feel very motivated for learning, and lots of purpose, HOWEVER I need to keep in the back of my mind that I can't sit on my laurels for too long, this is normal, usual and doesn't feel like a test. The strain will be in the dying weeks of marCheshvan, Kislev. This is just building up ammo, cannon fodder to fight the bigger fight. It's the proving grounds. I must be aware of that.

So here I am at 35 days. Let me compound it to my negative side (365) and make it 35 years. May we all be Matzliach

Great stuff.
 keepI it up.
 you forgot your address and phone number.

So why do we dance, drink and use our body to celebrate the spiritual learning of the Torah? Let us learn all day!?

BH over day 50. A slip here and there, but not a fall. a BIG slip on sunday night, wife was asleep, I had unblocked youtube due to a filter fault.... But Thank G-d I turned off in time. Then tuesday morning I had a maps app on my phone unblocked because I needed directions to somewhere and stupidly didn't block it again. And you look up places and they have photos of and about the place so it's dangerous for me. Because of the thrill of "what can you find"....
But I went through all of it and came out clinging to a lifeline and am still clean. But it takes a toll on my frustration levels. I am going to ask a rav tonight if it is at all a good idea to tell my wife about my addiction, (maybe not disclose how many times I fall) but tell her why (10+ years of constant porn bombardment) and how some days it takes all my energy just to stop it. And that this explains why I'm upset for no reason and I love her... but I'm scared. I almost told last night but the baby woke up screaming and we were both awfully tired.
But it's nearing a possibility. And I'm scared to death, but I feel it would be for the good. But I need a da'as Torah which is what I'll try get tonight.

Hatzlocha all

PS cordnoy, well we dance because we are SUPPOSED to have been learning the rest of the year and full of emotion for how beautiful a life it is. (but my Yeshiva self slept through the year :D :D)

I have zero experience with disclosing to wives, however, I know many who got messed over. Please do research to make sure the Rav is qualified. I cannot stress this enough. So many people have gotten burned by well-meaning, and even respected, but incompetent therapists/rabbis. Ultimately what caused me to drift from my Rebbi was that I realized he's incapable of understanding my situation and I wasn't helping myself. There are some Rebbeim that are notoriously good with this subject, Rav Elefant from Mir is a name that first comes to mind.

When they bring rav Elefant to South Africa again, I'll try shmooze him up. 
So I fell. Gosh. But I had 60 days clean and I went to an SAA meeting later that day. It's amazing how much support I got. It really helped to get me back on my feet. Usually I fall into a deep depression and wake up late, neglect my health etc. This time the very next morning I was up at 4:00 AM for a long run and then a good 2 hours 20 minutes of learning before work. And I feel energetic and revitalised, ready to step back into the ring and surrender myself even more this time to Hashem's will. PG This will hit 90. But ODAAT.

Day 7 and going strong BH. I got really sick thursday night and we spent a pleasant shabbos at home the whole time. As my wife is also sick (pregnant BH) and can't stand the thought of cooking meat, we were conflicted in buying a pre-made barbequed chicken for Shabbos lunch or gourmet sushi. And well, we chose the sushi and were extremely delighted on our choice!
Being sick is weird. I feel so conflicted with Hashem. I want to learn, work and exercise and I'm reduced to doing nothing. I guess the avodah is the same as step 2. Surrendering. Not thinking I can do it all by myself. and that God has a greater plan for me. Doesn't even need my input. But it's hard. Because the world carries on and demands you're never sick. Ugh. Oh well. BH I'm working on it. Let's keep it up, y'all. Day 7.

So I fell. Not in my astute definition of a fall (I did not masturbate) but I did intentionally look for and view schmutz. and bad stuff. Unbridled stuff. And I don't want to find loopholes to keep my streak going; I actually just want to be honest with myself. I am NOT sober if I am wasting my time and browsing sites under false pretences.

So I want to start honestly.
And I was sick this week and I realise more and more what it means that this addiction is a disease and how not to beat myself up about it.
For example, last night I made my laptop a wifi hotspot so I could use our mobile internet on my wife's unprotected phone and not deplete her airtime or data. But at a point my laptop lost battery and in the time of recharging it and setting it up again, the phone reverted to data usage mode and before I knew it my wife's airtime and data were both depleted completely. so to "cover my tracks" i had to replenish the data / airtime. And what a waste of money. Like, my gosh it was so unnecessary. And I was beating myself down. I was almost like "Well now I'm gonna get my money's worth!!!" as I pursued further to fulfil my desire. Thank G-d the baby woke up and my wife walked out and we actually had a pleasant night. But I was beating myself up. Look how deranged I am! And look how much it's costing me!
But then I realised, we call it a disease. Let's look at the comparisons. We spend hours wasting time trying to get a fix. A disease, you spend hours of wasted time in bed, not doing anything. I just wasted money for no reason. A disease, you lose income and you have all these unexpected expenses. And just like a disease you don't feel guilty for being sick, for having to spend money to get better (well I think I do, it's a problem of mine of low self worth), so too with addiction, I need to look at it in this perspective. I can't beat myself up. I'm sick. And I need to sort that out, foremost. 
Now I know paying to get a fix isn't quite the same as paying to cure yourself, but the loss of income is the Tzad ha'Shaveh, really, and it's involved in the disease. You don't beat yourself up by investing money in a possible solution that actually doesn't work. It's part of the process. 

So now I have two things: set up a TAPHSIC fence that really speaks to me, put covenanteyes on my wife's phone and PRAY and SURRENDER to God that I can't withstand these tests, I pray for no tests to pass my way.

Singularity wrote on 11 Oct 2016 04:45:

How the meetings going

Markz wrote on 02 Dec 2016 13:31:

Great. We're really turning into a warm, helpful collective. Tonight we're starting from Step 1 again and I'm going to try and follow the steps as daily meditations. Really work through it. 

So why make a taphshic?

Shlomo24 wrote on 05 Dec 2016 17:17:

Why not?

I know for me the only thing that can keep me sober is God. Not a knas, not a taphshic, not nothing.

Shlomo24 wrote on 06 Dec 2016 14:20:

You took these words out of my mouth , I'm in the same spot, nothing and I mean nothing (yes, I've tried almost all of em) works for me, only option is to give it over, no way a powerless sexaholic like me can do anything.

Although I want to amend my words. In the Big Book it says "probably" no human power could have relieved us of our condition. I'm 100% sure that statement is true. Theoretically, can a human save me? I honestly don't know, although it hasn't worked at all in the past. No matter who that human was.

I agree that only Hashem can truly keep me sober. But He gives us tools, too.

• He endowed a clumsy alcoholic with Ruach haKodesh to start the 12-step initiative.
• He included Nedarim as a mechanism in Torah fabric to bolster heavier safeguards.

It goes back to that story about the guy in the flood and the boat comes and the helicopter comes and he refuses them, saying God will save him. But what does it actually mean that God will save you? It's an attitude. You can't just do nothing. You have to gauge what will be effective. But the attitude must persist. It's not "the SAA Meetings helped me". It's "God graced me with the right tools of recovery".

And to really internalise it.
It says (I'm ad-libbing) v'amarta bil'vav'cha: KOCHI v'OTZEM YADI ASU LI ES Ha'CHAYIL Ha'ZEH!
My strength and the product of my hand did it all. I did it all. I am made.
But be meda'yek: it says v'amarta bil'vav'cha. In your heart. Why? Because on the surface you rattle off a thousand "Baruch Hashem"s! Celebrities who go up to receive the oscar. They first thank God. But that's a formality. They're thanking themselves.
You sing the tune of B'ezras Hashem, Bli Ayin Hora, Im Yirtzeh Hashem, but what do you THINK? What melody plays in your heart? "I'VE GOT THIS! I'VE GOT IT SORTED!"
More important what tune your heart of hearts sings to. This is the pshat of the pasuk. 


Now I admit nedarim didn't work for me in the past. I even had to be matir one once, in front of my Rov. But something resonates within me when I did the taphsic. It's not the fear of punishment. It's the resolve that I can lessen the punishment if I follow predetermined healthy behaviours before I act out. My taphsic is such: If I just act out, then I am forbidden to eat sushi for 5 years. Now for me, this is murder, because sushi is my favourite food. My mouth waters. I regale audiences with passionate stories of escapades with the beloved dish. 5 years is akin to divorce. Kareis. I CAN'T! But I also stipulated that the 5 years would reduce to 1 year if at any point I made it for 90 days. 
BUT - if I follow these three activities:

• Phone my wife and shmuze.
• Phone a friend from 12-step meetings
• Learn a the daily daf Halocha

and THEN act out, all I have to do is clean the house, scrub the toilets, do the dishes etc (now in South Africa we have slaves who do this for us so it's a chiddush) (joking they're not slaves. But the rest of the world thinks so still)
It's a tool Hashem has given us. And GYE speaks highly of it. And it is a safeguard if a filter breaks for some reason. I'm trying it. And I put my faith in Hashem it works. Or at least is a working component in the larger framework of hishtadlus.

Singularity wrote on 07 Dec 2016 09:02:


Ok, time out- are you serious? You really wouldn't eat sushi for s year or five years based on your neder? You are insanely amazing!!!

You've just shown me that my commitment to not acting out- which I currently don't and think I've been working hard- is a JOKE. Would I give up sushi for five years, or one? I don't think so.

You really have or things in real perspective. And I'm sure that if we don't do everything we can, no sushi after 120 either!

Ok. Hopefully it works out for you. Hatzlacha.

Workingguy: Sarcasm is a terrible form of communication. It's belittling to the recipient and shuts off healthy conversation.

Shlomo24 wrote on 07 Dec 2016 16:09:


Shlomo,

I agree completely. And wasn't being sarcastic at all. I am actually completely blown away that someone would be that serious about his neder and then not try to worm out of it afterwards.

What made you think I was being sarcastic?

Workingguy wrote on 07 Dec 2016 16:46:

Probably your facial expression as you typed the post

I didn't see it as sarcastic at all. But don't herald me YET! --- Haha maybe if you see my streak at 180 then we can talk. Right now I'm just a klutz toying with very dangerous weapons.

And now for a very special (episode) post

Yesterday was as good a day as any. Despite the fact that I felt a supreme high and crashed to an unprecedented low.

BUT WAIT --- My streak still ticks on. So what's pshat? Am I cheating on my 90 days!?? Read on....

Firstly, I submitted my fiction novel for publishing. An amalgamation of 7 years of thought and building these characters. I love them. And I am so happy I finally finished writing a novel. BH I hope it will become super successful and then I can get my wife a house :D

Between mincha/maariv we said tehillim for some people in a car crash, R"l. No idea who, what, where? 

Then we had a Shevra Brachos in the evening. My mother in law babysat, YAY Thank you!! And my wife and I went. Now previously I said it was hard for us to break into community, but last night was wonderful. My wife and I spoke to new people; I really jived with this guy, both of us chareidi but both with knowledge of all secular stuff. It was refreshing. We laughed and stuff. And spoke with other guys, too. It was just such a great night. I was actually enjoying stuff. And I thought to myself, like, what? No gut-wrenching desire to steal home and flick open the laptop? No eyes darting constantly to the ladies' section!? What was this?

Now we got home, and lo and behold the kids were still SLEEPING! (Aah, and now we're home, you know what that means...)
As we try and go to sleep, our oldest, bless her, comes to our room, crying, so we all share the bed. Then the youngest starts crying and the oldest is still awake. and the night before was also a tiring awake night and tonight looked similar. And we were both groggy. Then finally at around 2 AM both babies were asleep and safely deposited in their room. My wife came to lie down and we drifted off to sleep.

"Oh gosh, love...?" Her eyes widened apprehensively.
"What is it?" I asked, slowly peeling away the fatigue, sensing the alarm.
"What's the first name of the father of this family..." she told me the surname. A family I know from a shul whose Rabbi I practically lived at and whose community's children I would entertain on Shabbos with youth programmes for a good year and a bit.
I said, proudly, the first name, as I am not so good at remembering names.
"Oh... oh gosh..." she shot up in a panic.
"What? What's wrong?" I pleaded, as she frantically swiped her phone.
"They... they were in a car crash...."
It clicked, now. Those tehillim. "...What?" My heart raced. Sweat trickled.
"The father's okay... the mother's apparently critical but safe... but one of the children... she died...."
I sat up. Whitened like a ghost. Trying to digest what was actually happening. I know her! I can see her face.... Not even Bas Mitzvah yet....
And the world went all wishy washy. Our oldest walked into our room and joined us. To watch her father sobbing in his wife's arms. Bitter tears. Hinei, Lo Yanum, v'Lo Yishan, Shomer Yisrael. What was this, then? Kaporah? Was there going to be another holocaust?
My chavrusa's married to the older sister. They just got to Israel for a month's holiday.
It's all just a mess. The babies continued to cry through the night. We collectively got like 2 hours' sleep.
I got up and wailed through Birkas haTorah. I went to my other morning chavrusa and we learned in her memory. Tears flowed throughout Shomeh Esrei. Sporadic. But there. It just doesn't sound fair.

But why am I saying this? So you can all cry with me?
Because this is the thrill of living life outside the lust bubble. I could taste it. For good AND for bad. I could actually cry! for something real!!! Beforehand, it would just be the last episode of Friends that got to me.... Now I'm living a REAL life. It's SO much more addictive than all the schmutz. And even if I just managed to peep my head above the torrent for a little bit, that resounding air of reality, actual growth, actual feeling... worth every second. And well, it couldn't have been made possible without GYE, 12 steps, community. Let's keep climbing on each other's shoulders. We'll all make it.

Please daven for the Refuah Shleima of 
Rus bas Sarah Imeinu

And try dedicate the next decision not to act out, l'ilui nishmas this pure soul... 
Avigail bas Rus... don't know the father's hebrew name sorry.... See above about that about me....

Just Checking in.

BH No issues. But PG Just help me through today. Women wearing more and more of nothing the deeper into summer it gets.

Working on a new novel! This time a fantasy of sorts. I like to keep my mind preoccupied.

Singul, great thread so far (i still have three more pages to catch up on )
, there's a lot to comment on, but i just wanted to ask what ever happened with the job? You wrote in september that it was a three month trial period, that would end about now..

Singularity wrote on 14 Dec 2016 08:43:

That is precisely what my mind should not be preoccupied with!

cordnoy wrote on 14 Dec 2016 22:14:

Don't worry, It's Lord of the Rings-esque. Not 50 Shades of ... umm.....

Thanks StillGoing... 

Oh yeah. The Job.

Here's the dealio:

I work on a system. It was going well. But it's on something called ZOHO. The rest of the company is on Salesforce. I don't know Salesforce as much as zoho. So they hired big guys to redevelop it on Salesforce. Four months in, the big guys give up because the system is too complicated. We're still on Zoho. They're getting some more big guys to redevelop it in Salesforce. My system wins. BH. Lol. Oh and the 3-month contract was renewed for another 3-month contract. So I crunch on.

Where's the post with the snake?

II started reading this morning.

Was very busy.

Every break I continued.

Even scrolled down once to see if it wouldI ever end and I realized I was less thanI halfway thru the damn story.

Finally got to the end.

And then a pun!?

I posted there, but it signed me out. Apparently, there is a six hour rule limit on one post.

God almighty! You are one sick dude!

Day 18! BH

One Day at a Time! 
I've organised to run a fantastic route on monday 26 december. And I've been building up since. Felt strong, fit, clean, it's all really wonderful. 3 weeks! Oh yeah!!!

And I've realised that I've been much less controlling of my wife, like expecting her to give whenever I need it (which she does, because she's a tzadekes), but being calmer, more understanding if the moment passes, and definitely stopping myself delusionally thinking that if I don't get some, I will die.

And it's really been showing.
I have to give it to the Taphsic I made. It helps a lot. In conjunction with 12 step meetings, learning to let go of things and working on Emunah. I will try to stay calm in all situations and try appreciate my family more and more.

Friday night will be a big challenge. We're having a Shabbos supper for my sister-in-law and she's getting married again. The thing is, my wife and I are the only frum people that will be there. Everyone else will be fry, I won't know the level of sensitivity towards the kedusha of Shabbos and perhaps it will all go awry, and I have issues with such a situation. But it stems with my seeming sense of control. So I will practice:

• It's not MY Shabbos... it's HASHEM'S Shabbos. I must try my best to keep it for Him, NOT to scoff people for not keeping it for ME. Hashem's in charge of them! And I should just smile and SURRENDER! (Even if in the chaos, my kids like, use their cellphones and stuff, if I have tried my best, then the rest is up to Hashem. Kids are 2 years and 1 year respectively, so it's not a Chinnuch issue just yet...)
• It's not MY event, it's THEIR event, a special time in their lives and this is a way to unite the family. I'm just at a "hotel" keeping "my" shabbos, why would I worry about others?

I identify the struggle. I'm not reb Aryeh Levin (Yet---!)

Besides that, all's good! Looking forward to some relaxation from work next week. Keep myself busy with wedding preparations and exercise and stuff. Learning. Chavrusa's very good. Integration? Working on it. Not sure where to go from here....

Hope you win the 90... race

Well be cheering for you!!

That Shabbes idea is a Strong one! 

Thanks guys.

BH. All's good. I just like posting sometimes to up my post count so people will like me

Singularity wrote on 20 Dec 2016 11:33:


​Love your honesty 

We (at least me) like you because of what you write - whether 10 or 10000 posts - keep them coming

Cos most other SA meeting participants don't have time for the forum

KOP!!

Singularity wrote on 20 Dec 2016 11:33:

מתוך שלא לשמה בא לשמה

Markz wrote on 20 Dec 2016 14:01:

Keep on Purchasing (monstah trucks)?


(btw I know the true message (maybe)) 

A little lesson I learned.

We have a little garden. Say hello:



Looks a little unruly, right?
Actually uninhabitable. Just sand and mud, really. And it's summer. The rainy season for us. UGH! Sukkos was a nightmare.
And we had been back and forth with maintenance for 2 months, and nothing. So I called the CEO or something and told him we can do it, just will deduct off rent. He said go ahead. And a phone call or two and then a day later:



The baby likes it
And my wife is a different person. She is now happy to have friends over, be more social, and a lot less self-conscious.

So the lesson:
Don't ever delay that which your wife wants. I mean, we could have done this 7 weeks ago.
I was absorbed in my own stuff.

Also don't underestimate the koach of a garden!

Love it! That's the first time I've seen any personal pictures on GYE. I actually admire your fearlessness, I don't know if I would be able to do that. 

CUTE!

QTπs! Lots of Nachas!

Great job:clap: totally agree that one shouldn't delay things because we're absorbed in our own little bubble. great lesson/reminder!!

Thanks guys.

Those could be random kids I picked up off the street for the purposes of this picture...

My wife broke her foot! OY ! So if I am inactive, you all know why! mommy+daddy all in one !!!

Daven for a refuah shleima... Talya Bas Leah

I hope it wasn't because she tripped over the grass.

Refua Sheleima. and Good Shabbos!

Refuah shliema

i can relate to the situation my wife was sick a few months ago and man was it hell for me.
but i didn't have time for any garbage !
but then again when things settled a little bam HE was waiting for me with open arms
be on guard HE loves it when we get worn down

Have a healthy happy clean shabbos and afreilichen chanuka

Singularity wrote on 23 Dec 2016 04:51:

Refuah sheleimah.

IsI talya bas leah a random name as well?
No difference, God knows who we are prayin' for.

It's real! But who really knows hebrew names as well? How machmir anonymous do you wish to be?



BH 26 clean days. ODAAT.

I stuck to a goal of mine and ran a prestige 12km route around a golf course nearby. I wanted to do that for years but one menacing hill always gave me cold feet. But on the morning of the 26th, I gave myself cold feet and set off in the dark, cold and rain for a life-changing run. And I did it! Yay! I love living out of the lust bubble.



And what did I use on my run to make it up that vertical incline?

O     S      A      A      T

ne    tep   t               ime



!!



Thanks GYE! Helping me in ruchniyus as well as Gashmiyus!!!

I appreciate your post, but if lust was just a ruchniyos issue for you, you sure as hell wouldn't be in 12-step meetings.

Shlomo24 wrote on 27 Dec 2016 15:28:

Addiction may be rooted in Gashmiyus, but dealing with it definitely improves Ruchniyus as well. 

The way we deal with addiction in the meetings and with the steps is b'davka with the spiritual.

My point was missed. I meant that lust isn't only a ruchniyos problem. I wasn't referring to the solution or anything.

Hey Singularity, been following your posts a bit and i see you all over, just wanna say hi and keep up your great work, nice that your as active as you are and hope to bup into you more on some other forums!

Thanks spikey! Hope to catch you too, in the world of avatar or beboping around the galaxy.

Shlomo, not quite catching you...

what gashmiyus reasons for lusting? It feels good? I admit, everything has a dual component. Heck, maybe running could be more ruchniyusdik than learning Torah at some points in my life? Heretical? Don't know.

Day 33! Yesterday we had a maggot infestation!! >.< It was one of the most disgusting jobs I had to do. Yuch. Flies are do disgusting.
Just one little fly. to lay a few little eggs. And then, well, I hope you get the symbolism.

I upgraded my monstah truck to a MONSTAH truck. See y'all on the sunny freeway.

What I meant is that if one's life is truly unmanageable than more than just his ruchniyos is affected. His gashmiyus is also affected.

Shlomo24 wrote on 03 Jan 2017 15:57:

For sure. I waste time. Money. I feel like a lethargic lump of spleen.

But I still feel the root core of lusting is ruchnius whereas the root core of running is gashmius!

Okay on to the thoughts of the day/week:

So my wife's foot is getting better BH! And our boy just celebrated his first birthday! Today!!
And I judge people less about not being frum. Which is good. Well more like I don't have the time to judge people because I'm trying more to worry about what they actually need. I heard once: other's gashmiyus is your ruchniyus. It rings true to me.
Also I don't have the time to judge people because I'm running and actually feeling good about myself.
Like a scene from Friends. Rachel has no date, and Chandler says to her "Well, I can ask guys at my office, how'd you like that?"
She replies, "That would be wonderful, thanks! Hey-- why have you never suggested this before?"
He replies, "Well, for once I have a girlfriend, I'm actually happy. So I no longer feel the need to prevent others from being happy."

l'Havdil, but it's true.

I'm happy in life. A beautiful wife. Two wonderful kids. A third on the way!
I'm healthy, Hashem has given me the strength to run, and progress in it, to feel thin, able to fit into my clothes, to learn with vigour and daven with clarity. I know more who I am, what triggers me. 
Just yesterday, after paying the tax authority a lump sum of undeclared income tax, I was hit with another lump sum I needed to pay. I was perturbed but kept in mind, I cannot do anything about it now; I must phone them tomorrow. And continued to have an absolutely pleasant night.
So the dealio is that even though I have been donating to my yeshivah, they are not affiliated with the tax-exempt status of the broader organisation under which these institutions run and I can't get a tax certificate. And I was told that after all the donations. And now the tax authorities have denied my donation and demand tax for the amount. And that would proper wipe out our savings. And it's stressful.
But for the first time Iwas the one to tell my wife "Well, I feel fine, please don't freak out!"
Because What's there to freak out about? Just gotta ask Hashem. But this is the third step, no? What an opportune time for this event to happen, because our SAA fellowship is on the third step this week. And I gotta be cool about it. It's not my money. 
Putting in histadlus, for sure. Going to dispute it. But I can't let it ruin me. Recovery has taught me how to deal with life. I'm not an expert and these are small border skirmishes, yes, but they will give me the mindset and ability to deal with real stuff when circumstance takes on my more established fortresses in the heart of the homeland of my world.
BH Keep on trucking, or horse-wagoning, if you live in medieval war times, and may all our recoveries be profound and insightful.

Beautiful. Suggestion? I'm good at dealing with the big stuff when it happens, such as the loss of savings. I can talk the talk. But fear always seems to creep in afterwards. I would suggest you allow yourself to feel whatever comes up. It may not seem so now, but my experience is that once the initial adrenaline is over I actually begin to feel all the crappy things I didn't want to feel.

Thanks. I'll keep it in mind. I'll watch out for danger signs. 

Sing, just when I was getting used to the scary Anime guy you changed it again! 

But I get it, that thing on the squash racket is a Black Hole!

Glad your wife is feeling better, and Happy Birthday to Qtπ

Hey singularity why did you switch back your avatar??

MayanHamisgaber wrote on 15 Jan 2017 20:48:

Because he didn't like my Pshat?

Singularity wrote on 06 Jan 2017 07:53:

Great line!

I liked the rest of the post too..

For me, it's a squash racket. Check group 196 for a deeper Pshat.

But it's contingent on when you've hard refreshed the site last. Try Shift+F5 and you'll get my favourite sport.

Or maybe my avatar is like a mood ring. Right now I just feel sporty.

I'm just checking in.

I want to post something long and deep, but really, things have been going so well, I don't have much deep or long to report on. BH! Keep it Simple, I guess.

On Friday, I just decided to "pull off" an 11k run. BH! I have worked myself to the point of healthy fitness! It works wonders for my confidence.
Friday afternoon, I had a fallout with my father. Long history. Messy, dreadful. He cheated on my mother and practically abandoned us kids emotionally and physically when I was in my formative years. Around Grade 1 to grade 8-9. On and off. 
When there's a point where my mother and father might meet, I close off. So on a Friday, my dad comes and hangs out with the kids and stuff for a bit. Then he leaves and my mom comes. So this time my mom came a little earlier. So I my dad knew to leave, but cursed my mother in the interim, and I screamed , "DAD!", and my wife tried to calm me down.
So I kicked a cupboard and the hinge broke. I stormed into our bedroom and slammed the door shut, threw a duvet and lay down, trying to calm myself down.

And trust me, that's an improvement! I'm actually proud that I didn't scream back worse things. And I defused myself a lot quicker than I usually would. 

And my wife saw my parents exchange words. And she came into the room and told me she was so proud that I actually turned out normal, despite growing up with that kind of stuff.

That was a big comfort for me.

Then the whatsapp attacks began. My dad said my behaviour was awful etc and then did something I always feared he would.

He threw everything he does for us, back in my face.

That's how it was growing up. He would do something for us, and OH BOY, WOULD HE NEVER LET US FORGET IT!
So it's been a peaceful stretch, he even got us sushi every week! And seemed a lot more different, better. But I always had my reservation because I suspect even though he is putting on a play of being frum, the kippah and all, he isn't actually pursuing a path of change. And Friday affirmed that. And all the good he did us, all the favours he did for us, all got thrown back at me. And resentments that have been boiling for months, years, like not being Sandek a year ago while my father-in-law has been twice!

But I could have pursued the whirlpool of hate and (once again) listed the countless things he had done and subsequently forgot, of no consequence, throughout the years. And I really love doing that.

But he doesn't ever listen, so I just shoot myself in the foot.

But I had a funny dialogue with him. He asked why I didn't phone my sister on her birthday. I told him her birthday was on a shabbos, the shabbos ended at 7:40PM and it was New Years' Eve (for me, no issue, but I know she's a party animal. Well, she's at least a dubstep DJ). I had no data or airtime (now I admit I should have bought airtime, even though it would have been replenished with the new month). I also said that I tried to phone, and even did contact her that Friday afternoon. I then tried to phone the Sunday morning, first thing. But couldn't get hold of her. So he texted me:

"Poor excuse. 0/10"
So I texted back:
"Wow. Same score as your fathering over the years" (I know, what a chutzpah!)
So he texted:
"I think you forget things. You were educated, went on trips etc..."(Even though some of the things he mentioned, my mother actually paid for)
So I replied:
"Wonderful. If fathering meant paying for things..."

And he hasn't replied. But that last line stuck with me. I don't want to be that for my children. I want to be there for them. For plays, recitals. To cheer them on in their own goals. To give them chizuk when they need it. I told my mother I'm so scared I'd end up like my father. She said it would never, ever happen. I am happy for the support but wish I was more confident in myself.

And I carried on my erev Shabbos duties, all the while thankful that lusting was much lower on my list of possible ways to deal with all this anxiety and hurt!!!

But I was really tired, hungry… all the HALT thingies, except for lonely, BH! Our place was a mess, but we had a wonderful Shabbos. And the hurt came up again through the Shabbos, but I could deal with it better, in my own way.

One of the rabbis has his house as like, an open house. And it provides a good shortcut to the shul I go to. So as I was walking through his garden, I peeked in a window for a split second, to someone’s room. And I know this certain Rabbi has a young daughter. And I thought I saw someone sleeping.

And I felt this rush, tingling in my entire body. BH I had only looked for an instant of a second. But I realised what just happened.

I just lusted.

Subtle, but there. The feeling, at least. The thrill that I could have seen someone. I am more aware of it. I love the awareness. And I walked to the shul, contemplating it. And Not wanting to do it again. Please. God.

I think that the more I progress in recovery, the more subtle my lusting will become. I guess because the YH can't attack so blatantly anymore. I hope.

Once again, I admit I am powerless. My life, without God's help, is completely unmanageable. I don't want to start again. I want 24 hours. That's all.

But then we had guests. My Chavrusa. And we had his wife too. And it was a trigger for me. I’m in two minds. I want Shabbos guests. But our place isn’t so big. So we can’t have lots of people. So we have a couple at a time. But maybe it’s not the healthiest for me. I don’t know. I never looked at her more than a second at a time, and almost never communicated. I feel like an insane person. But I guess that’s an addiction. I’m insane. She’s married. Her husband’s right there. But I knew that if I looked at her for more than a few seconds, I’d have taken that first sip, and promptly been sent to the abyss. I was cognisant of the fact. It was sobering.

Nothing else has happened. I’m going to try work on the Fourth Step the next two weeks. Fearless Moral Inventory. I’ve never done a Cheshbon haNefesh. I hope the exercise is refreshing.

Huh. Look at that! Long, deep post! Who knew!!!?

Recovery should be with hatzlachah.

hell of a post need to digest this....
Hashem loves you for facing this with a good heart and not just giving up 
KOMT

B'hatzlacha

Singularity wrote:


Please don't check out

I really appreciate your posts, and you too!!

Thanks guys.
I'm getting tired of giving up. Giving up is too exciting. Golden ticket to doing whatever I want.
I'm old. I'm set in my boring ways. Thanks for reading my rants y'all.

Singularity wrote on 16 Jan 2017 14:44:

I'm older.
 don'tI remind me.

cordnoy wrote on 16 Jan 2017 14:51:

may you be forever boring.

Singularity wrote on 16 Jan 2017 07:49:

My thoughts exactly!

Someone recently gave me some advice that I wonder if it would apply to your shabbos meal thing..

I read your post. I usually don't read long posts. I really relate to the father issue. My father would tell me the same things.

Well, you're going to have one hell of a 4th step!

thanks613 wrote on 16 Jan 2017 17:10:

Haha! Must be the old-timers, oh I mean altzeimers, kickin' in.. (bli ayin Hora)

It's slightly different. I'm not envisioning a future with her. Just lusting s'all. Well, BH not getting so far. But knowing I WANT to lust. Haha. Gotta surrender that. PLEASE HASHEM!!!

But props for the self-idea of speaking to someone.
I shall do that right now.

Thanks Shlomo. Thanks for non tl:dr-ing it. It means a lot to me.
We should join FARTING - Fathers Acting Recklessly Towards Innocent Neshomeles, Gevalt!!!

Singularity wrote on 17 Jan 2017 08:37:

What is that? Also, I'm very immature. I liked your acronym.

tl:dr = too long, didn't read.

Shlomo24 wrote on 17 Jan 2017 17:00:

Thanks. I'm not immature and I like the acronym

Singularity wrote on 18 Jan 2017 07:53:

Well, that's what you think! 

Just Checkin' (Truckin') in.

I'm finding today very jolly. And GYE is really a source of entertainment.

From Gartel's thread about doorknobs, to the nightly emmissions discussion, well, and probably because of being light-headed from an early-morning run and knowing I haven't eaten nearly enough calories to compensate, I am having a good day.

I don't wish to offend doorknob or trinityofnow, but I really enjoy those threads and the backs-and-forths. May your recovery be with much hatzlocha and deep introspection. Cleanse yourself before your God (cleanses you for you)!

A Great day, a great week. Holiday next week! YAY!! Life's Good. Thank you Hashem. All's good.

Singularity wrote on 24 Jan 2017 09:54:

Looks like we got ourselves another dophelglanjer!

If you're interested in doorknobs, here's a reading assignment. 

Let go and let doorknob

just read your long deep post that wasn't supposed to be one. deep stuff there. your a really strong person, man. your life is inspiring. keep on posting

thanks613 wrote on 25 Jan 2017 05:55:

Oh, I love the doorknob story!

thatslife wrote on 25 Jan 2017 19:28:

Thanks, TL! Or should I say Sinatra. (get it?)

So as some of the poison subsided from my father's and my toxic confrontations, and knowing my uncle from the UK is here for a little bit, but constantly with my father, I sucked it up and asked if they want to come for supper. So started an organisation tennis match. They said we should meet at a restaurant on day X. I said day X won't work and we have a policy not to take our little ones to a restaurant. It's just too crazy (BH our place is small. We can eat in the lounge and overview the entire house and garden!). So I suggested day Y and at us.

So he said day Y is fine, but it must be at a restaurant. So on day Y early in the morning I said my wife's car with the baby seats is going in for a service (reluctant to put the seats in my car because the seatbelts aren't as proper) and why can't we just get the pizzas or whatever and have it at us? I asked why he was hesitant coming to our house.

He replied that it's because he'd been kicked out of our place twice. Now personally I feel it's an unfair attack. I only asked him to leave because it was understood that he'd come for a bit and my mother would come. Now, this reason doesn't apply because it's in the middle of the week. But obviously, we're 100% wrong, he's 100% a victim and we mercilessly kicked him out. 

Then he pulled a tricky move and added, "And just to enlighten you, also the normal manner of human beings, is when you invite someone to your house, you are responsible for providing the food."

Now that was a foul offence. What does he think I don't know how to have guests? Though, I admit, I was being pulled into the whirlpool of resentment, saying, "Oh, well, he should pay for everything. He doesn't have anyone to support!"
So maybe I felt that in myself. And I tried a winning tactic. I replied, "Forget it. I'll just ask my uncle to come. What's his number in South Africa? Does he have his own car?"

And then, just like a queen sacrifice in chess, something I never expected.

"Hello. This is your uncle. I don't have a number here or a car. Also, I'm a bit disappointed that it took over a week for you to say something"

Uh-oh. My uncle's in my father's camp. They're ganging up on me. 




This is getting more and more toxic. So first, I "promptly admitted" my shortfall and apologised to him. I said it was just daddy issues that explained the non-communication. Knowing I'd have to get to my uncle through my father.

Then I realised there was no hope. Like having lost your queen in chess for no good reason. No way to win it. I got a long whatsapp that started with some quip on my behaviour and subsequently deleted the chat and blocked my father from my whatsapp. Then yesterday and several times today my dad kept phoning me. I never picked up. Eventually, I emailed him:



And it remains toxic. I just am sad that I can't see my uncle, due to this technicality. My dad has two other siblings and all three are weird in their own way. However, when I take my dad out the picture, I really get along with the other two in a much happier, calmer way. And I realised, why do I always need to see my uncle with my dad? They're not connected by an umbilical cord!! So that's what I tried here. And it backfired.

Well, at the very least I hope the post was amusing, had good dialogue and pace. I ask for advice and suggestions. Did I do the right thing? Was I harsh? Remember, I also have my family's interests/sanity at heart. I don't want to subject my wife/daughter to my father's wrath of guilt and pain.

Singularity wrote on 26 Jan 2017 07:50:

Sad situation
Id ask my Rav for his advice, although I think you're handling it right and level headed

Keep on Trucking
but don't truck over anyone as Arabs are fond of doing

Well, he replied for a work thing and the conversation was neutral, to put it. That was par...

Thanks.

It should be with hatzlachah.

cordnoy wrote on 26 Jan 2017 12:45:

I second that.

Singularity wrote on 26 Jan 2017 07:50:

lots of good luck. keep it up. i actually did not get that one. please explain.

Frank Sinatra was a famous singer who had a song/album called "That's life."

Start spreadin' the news

New York Neeeww Yoooooork!

I want to be a part of it...

Oh wait, I am. Yes.

Shlomo24 wrote on 27 Jan 2017 05:54:

So you're not in Israel anymore?

My heart is always in Israel.

There's no place like home!

Shlomo24 wrote on 26 Jan 2017 18:29:

i am chasidish, i don't really listen to non-jewish music. i think it would trigger me "BIGLY'', as our new president is wont to say

thatslife wrote on 30 Jan 2017 14:34:

Isn't it ironic, don't you think?

Oops, that's a song as well.

Oops, you did it again

Sing are you still alive?

If you don't post I get worried that your truck got eaten by a monstah