Welcome, Guest

Singularity's Journey
(0 viewing) 
Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: Singularity's Journey 101218 Views

Re: Singularity's Journey 24 Apr 2020 11:49 #348731

  • Singularity
  • Current streak: 72 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • To write, or not to write?
  • Posts: 1507
  • Karma: 78
I want to share a few things
  • I am still resentful of people with more sobriety than I have. And sometimes I wish they'd just crash and burn so I can have a haughty laugh about it. But I feel in general I like watching things around me crash and burn.
  • When I look for porn I don't like the real stuff, it feels too plastic. I tell myself, "No I want to watch a scene from a movie or something instead, there's character investment, art, buildup, etc. It's more real". Then I laugh and realise NONE OF IT IS REAL man, I'm just kidding myself!!! Haha, I'm hopeless.
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
My Thread

Re: Singularity's Journey 26 Apr 2020 03:56 #348755

  • Realestatemogul
  • Current streak: 600 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 393
  • Karma: 29
Hey it's really great to have you back!!

I'm not sure if I have more sobriety than you  because you seem to have a lot of experience and really know how to deal with this challenge, but I will the say the key to my sobriety has been committing to never say I was hopeless and staying positive no matter how low I sunk. (Also, taking baby steps...)

Re: Singularity's Journey 26 Apr 2020 04:29 #348756

  • Trouble
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 836
  • Karma: 210
Singularity wrote on 24 Apr 2020 11:49:
I want to share a few things
  • I am still resentful of people with more sobriety than I have. And sometimes I wish they'd just crash and burn so I can have a haughty laugh about it. But I feel in general I like watching things around me crash and burn.
  • When I look for porn I don't like the real stuff, it feels too plastic. I tell myself, "No I want to watch a scene from a movie or something instead, there's character investment, art, buildup, etc. It's more real". Then I laugh and realise NONE OF IT IS REAL man, I'm just kidding myself!!! Haha, I'm hopeless.


Well, at least you won't resent me!

And regarding the second point, I think the same way, except the part of being real.
I'm all about that (substantial) bass, no trouble ....

Re: Singularity's Journey 26 Apr 2020 04:36 #348757

Singularity wrote on 24 Apr 2020 11:49:
I want to share a few things
  • I am still resentful of people with more sobriety than I have. And sometimes I wish they'd just crash and burn so I can have a haughty laugh about it. But I feel in general I like watching things around me crash and burn.
  • When I look for porn I don't like the real stuff, it feels too plastic. I tell myself, "No I want to watch a scene from a movie or something instead, there's character investment, art, buildup, etc. It's more real". Then I laugh and realise NONE OF IT IS REAL man, I'm just kidding myself!!! Haha, I'm hopeless.


Thanks for sharing. I relate to these points a lot Re 1: This made it difficult for me to be active on GYE after a while away. I was resentful of people with more sobriety, specifically those that treated me like a newcomer, even though I had way longer stretches of sobriety than they ever did.

Re 2: I'm much the same way, but I think there may be a silver lining there. It implies that I recognize that porn is fake and that what I am are really looking for is real love  

Nice to see you posting again! I don't know if you remember, but HHM, you, and myself were getting their start on this site around the same time  
If you are really bored, you can check out my original thread here: guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/305558-Journey-of-one-day-at-a-time 

"Think good and it will be good!"

Re: Singularity's Journey 26 Apr 2020 14:33 #348763

  • Singularity
  • Current streak: 72 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • To write, or not to write?
  • Posts: 1507
  • Karma: 78
Yes, I remember all you, my homies! I love you all!

Onward!!!
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
My Thread

Re: Singularity's Journey 27 Apr 2020 09:59 #348821

  • Singularity
  • Current streak: 72 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • To write, or not to write?
  • Posts: 1507
  • Karma: 78
I don't know if I'm revisiting a step 1 of unmanageability, but here goes

I hate lying to my wife and I did twice in the last few weeks, straight to her face because first time I took her phone to the bathroom and acted out and she asked what I was doing in there and I said I was checking emails. Which was 100% false. 
Damn I'm a fraud! Well, I don't want to lie to her today, she's too wonderful, and I can't stand myself when I'm dishonest, it's too sneaky. And I hate this lust and resent probably resent God for all my lust and how every day is just this ticking time bomb, and I relate to what Bill W says in his story, how he describes as the "whiskey rises to his head", that's how I feel lust is for me, it shatters through my body like a bee's string rips through its small build, and it consumes me and I'm left with nothing but these insane idea of how next to spend my time. It's crazy. But with God's help today will be okay. I just wanted to share.

I am stuck between my wife thinking I don't know any of the passwords and yet I do and I don't know what to do. Any experience on the matter?
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
My Thread

Re: Singularity's Journey 27 Apr 2020 12:13 #348825

  • TheFighter99
  • Current streak: 162 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Senior Boarder
  • Posts: 42
  • Karma: 2
I feel you bro. I also know all the passwords to our devices, but my wife doesn't know about my struggle and I fear that telling her would do more harm then good. Don't have any advice for you, but I can empathize. 

It's not clear to me from your post if your wife knows about your situation. If she does and is already in the loop and helping you fight this, couldn't you just tell her that you need her to change the passwords?
"It ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward." -Rocky Balboa    BUT ALSO
"Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results.”- Narcotics Anonymous

Re: Singularity's Journey 27 Apr 2020 15:05 #348830

  • Singularity
  • Current streak: 72 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • To write, or not to write?
  • Posts: 1507
  • Karma: 78
Yes then I need to tell her like fifteen times and then I see her put it in once accidentally and the sick game starts all over again. Personally I've found it easier when everything's open. Hmm.
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
My Thread

Re: Singularity's Journey 28 Apr 2020 04:06 #348852

Singularity wrote on 27 Apr 2020 15:05:
Yes then I need to tell her like fifteen times and then I see her put it in once accidentally and the sick game starts all over again. Personally I've found it easier when everything's open. Hmm.

I relate to this. I've flitted back and forth between filtered and open. Usually after a fall I'd lean more towards the filtered camp. But in the end, open seems to work best for me. Is it perfect? No, but neither was filtered. It is highly individual. My advice would be to trust your gut and intuition. What do you think about the situation for you? Sometimes I let this battle undermine all my trust in myself and my ability to make good choices. While that was understandable, I realized that I could only improve by fully trusting myself to decide what to do, and yes probably making mistakes along the way. Sorry if that wasn't even remotely helpful, I'm really tired lol. Good luck!
If you are really bored, you can check out my original thread here: guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/305558-Journey-of-one-day-at-a-time 

"Think good and it will be good!"

Re: Singularity's Journey 28 Apr 2020 04:25 #348856

  • Realestatemogul
  • Current streak: 600 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 393
  • Karma: 29
Singularity, you are awesome! 



It may seem like I have more days, but you clearly know more deeply what it means to be sober. Hatzlacha on deciding what to do!

Re: Singularity's Journey 28 Apr 2020 05:53 #348858

  • Singularity
  • Current streak: 72 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • To write, or not to write?
  • Posts: 1507
  • Karma: 78
Thanks guys. Your words and help are inspiring!
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
My Thread

Re: Singularity's Journey 28 Apr 2020 06:39 #348864

  • Hakolhevel
  • Current streak: 18 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 628
  • Karma: 44
Singularity wrote on 27 Apr 2020 15:05:
Yes then I need to tell her like fifteen times and then I see her put it in once accidentally and the sick game starts all over again. Personally I've found it easier when everything's open. Hmm.

The chase is sometimes more exciting then the actual "prize" we seek
My Thread:The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:)

My other Thread: My Daily Inspiration

I'm not a slow learner, I'm just quick to forget" - Eli Nash

A bit of honesty and less over confidence might help me - Imperfection

Re: Singularity's Journey 17 May 2020 04:19 #349817

  • Singularity
  • Current streak: 72 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • To write, or not to write?
  • Posts: 1507
  • Karma: 78
I am working in an OA framework as well now, and the sponsor I have is great. I am using a meal plan tool, so I write out what I can eat before the day begins, and it can even be unhealthy stuff too, just I can't eat any more than what I set out. I go to OA meetings on a sunday morning. It's a 10-second walk from my lounge to the playroom where my zoom pc is.

I feel it helps the lust too. I am connecting, being honest and accountable to someone.

I started reading from the beginning of my thread and cringed every time I posted. BH we all have the capacity to grow!!! But maybe in 5 years time I am gonna cringe at what I'm currently writing...

*future*

*reads about being fat in OA*

"...This guy serious?" *I say, as I flex my biceps and pump my abs*
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
My Thread

Re: Singularity's Journey 21 May 2020 02:49 #350103

  • Realestatemogul
  • Current streak: 600 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 393
  • Karma: 29
it's funny I hope to have the same thoughts when I look back at my thread...

Re: Singularity's Journey 21 May 2020 06:38 #350116

  • Singularity
  • Current streak: 72 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • To write, or not to write?
  • Posts: 1507
  • Karma: 78
Something bothering me is that whenever I think of my past when I was single, the first thought that comes to mind is "Oh man, that was the life, I could just act out as much as I wanted and nobody really cared. Just eat and act out". I don't know if anyone can relate, looking at the past with such longing? I really have to tell myself afterwards that I am in a MUCH better place right now, wife kids responsibility purpose. And eventually I realise the longing is false. It's funny really.
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
My Thread
Time to create page: 0.74 seconds

Are you sure?

Yes