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Singularity's Journey
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: Singularity's Journey 95804 Views

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 14:40 #305431

  • will Succeed Beh
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Workingguy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 13:52:
Don't cry. Cordnoy is answering in a very strong manner, but I think it's important to clarify what he's saying.

There's no doubt that a wife can be your "wall" and if that works for her and you, that can be beautiful. For normal people, chazal definitely say there is a concept of being with one's wife when "yitzro misgaber alav".

Also, if you're working hard and you might have a fall and this can stop you from worse consequences, I'll weigh in and say that you should allow your wife to help you, probably contrary to what most people here would say.
Absolutely not relevant to me because my wife doesn't relate to intimacy that way at all, and it would hurt our intimate life.

However, if you're an addict and it's not going to help and instead of being mechazek you, it will just allow you to indulge more, you're wife will be feeling used and you'll end up acting out tomorrow or the next day anyway, and you're looking at all sorts of stuff anyway, then what's the point? You're feeding your Lust, you're not making an effort anyway, so why do it? But if you are working hard and need a little help and want to prevent worse consequences and she doesn't mind, why not?

And I think one more thing- it's easy to confuse the concept of a woman being available and interested for her husband to "keep him safe" in this crazy world before he's been all over the map. That's a very admirable trait on her part, but not something HE should really ask for. It's HER Rambam, as they say.

But for so many of us, we have this ideal of our wives protecting us after we've become the problem. So that won't really work.

Thanks Workingguy ! that was an amazing post, clear, sharp to the point!!!! 

What about making a Seifer "Pirush HaCordnoy
BE"H WE WILL ALL SUCCEED
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Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 14:56 #305433

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Hashem Help Me wrote on 09 Feb 2017 14:33:

cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 14:12:












Then your work on yourself.

​You stop cryin' over the situation you've been dealt and do what you can to change.

Don't lay the blame elsewhere.

That is what I did.

It was, and is tough.

It was not andI is not always rewardin', but the cherry at the end of the tunnel is not whether or not I will have sex tonight.







That line from Cordnoy "the cherry....is not whether or not I will have sex tonight", has to be the axiomatic guiding light for those of us who have had to retrain and refocus ourselves. So many of us were subconsciously driven by that very sour cherry. We spent hours without realizing it planning, manipulating, arranging that there be sex that night. Very well said.

Thank you.

II like that....axiomatic guidin' light.

I agree with everythin' you wrote, except one word.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 14:59 #305434

  • cordnoy
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will Succeed Beh wrote on 09 Feb 2017 14:40:

Workingguy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 13:52:
Don't cry. Cordnoy is answering in a very strong manner, but I think it's important to clarify what he's saying.

There's no doubt that a wife can be your "wall" and if that works for her and you, that can be beautiful. For normal people, chazal definitely say there is a concept of being with one's wife when "yitzro misgaber alav".

Also, if you're working hard and you might have a fall and this can stop you from worse consequences, I'll weigh in and say that you should allow your wife to help you, probably contrary to what most people here would say.
Absolutely not relevant to me because my wife doesn't relate to intimacy that way at all, and it would hurt our intimate life.

However, if you're an addict and it's not going to help and instead of being mechazek you, it will just allow you to indulge more, you're wife will be feeling used and you'll end up acting out tomorrow or the next day anyway, and you're looking at all sorts of stuff anyway, then what's the point? You're feeding your Lust, you're not making an effort anyway, so why do it? But if you are working hard and need a little help and want to prevent worse consequences and she doesn't mind, why not?

And I think one more thing- it's easy to confuse the concept of a woman being available and interested for her husband to "keep him safe" in this crazy world before he's been all over the map. That's a very admirable trait on her part, but not something HE should really ask for. It's HER Rambam, as they say.

But for so many of us, we have this ideal of our wives protecting us after we've become the problem. So that won't really work.

Thanks Workingguy ! that was an amazing post, clear, sharp to the point!!!! 

What about making a Seifer "Pirush HaCordnoy

It would be worthy of hangin' up in the back room of every strip club along route 1 & 9.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 15:28 #305436

  • Shlomo24
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I think this was a good discussion. I believe that this will help in my marriage, whenever and if that ever happens. 

If you noticed, I "Thank you'd" every one of Cordnoy's posts. I think there's a lot of wisdom in that. I'm not here to tell anyone what to do in their bedroom. But if someone is having sex with their wife because they "need to" or because the desire is overwhelming, that sounds like they are using their wife. There are many people in my fellowship who are abstinate with their wives because they internalized that sex is optional and it's up to their wives to decide. I hear them sharing, and many times there's pain in their shares. But at least they're sober. And they know that if their wife decides to be intimate, then it will be from a much healthier place. But that is not the end goal, as Cordnoy was saying.

My sponsor told me that he and his wife were abstinate at a time. His wife was disgusted with him and she couldn't have sex. But one night they were sharing very vulnerable things with each other, and they were connecting a lot. He told me that they "found themselves having sex." There was no decision made to have sex, but it was just a result of the connection that they had. Their abstinence was broken in a beautiful way, not with any of them trying to. 

My therapist in Israel also told me that sex is not about the physical pleasure, he said sex is about connection. He remarked "If sex was about the pleasure, then it would be quite boring with the same woman for 20 years." But he said it's about connection, not physical pleasure. The white book has a similar explanation. Just some food for thought.

Before anyone jumps on me for being single and commenting on this thread, everything here is just what I have heard from other people. And if it upsets you, do a 4th step. None of my damn business. (Joke!)
If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can. 

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 15:29 #305437

  • Meier
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Mornin fellas 
SNOW DAY YEAH!!!
when we can get a "no not now" from the wife.and walk away without going crazy. than it's healthy.

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 20:03 #305453

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Shlomo24 wrote on 09 Feb 2017 15:28:
I think this was a good discussion. I believe that this will help in my marriage, whenever and if that ever happens. 

If you noticed, I "Thank you'd" every one of Cordnoy's posts. I think there's a lot of wisdom in that. I'm not here to tell anyone what to do in their bedroom. But if someone is having sex with their wife because they "need to" or because the desire is overwhelming, that sounds like they are using their wife. There are many people in my fellowship who are abstinate with their wives because they internalized that sex is optional and it's up to their wives to decide. I hear them sharing, and many times there's pain in their shares. But at least they're sober. And they know that if their wife decides to be intimate, then it will be from a much healthier place. But that is not the end goal, as Cordnoy was saying.

My sponsor told me that he and his wife were abstinate at a time. His wife was disgusted with him and she couldn't have sex. But one night they were sharing very vulnerable things with each other, and they were connecting a lot. He told me that they "found themselves having sex." There was no decision made to have sex, but it was just a result of the connection that they had. Their abstinence was broken in a beautiful way, not with any of them trying to. 

My therapist in Israel also told me that sex is not about the physical pleasure, he said sex is about connection. He remarked "If sex was about the pleasure, then it would be quite boring with the same woman for 20 years." But he said it's about connection, not physical pleasure. The white book has a similar explanation. Just some food for thought.

Before anyone jumps on me for being single and commenting on this thread, everything here is just what I have heard from other people. And if it upsets you, do a 4th step. None of my damn business. (Joke!)

Very impressive words from such a young guy.

Sounds like you've been married a few decades already

[spoiler?]Although there are guys that passed their 60th anniversary, and they still don't know this... [dash the spoiler]
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Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 20:04 #305454

  • MayanHamisgaber
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cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 13:21:

MayanHamisgaber wrote on 09 Feb 2017 12:19:
then you ask your' loving and supporting wife for "help"

No, you don't.

SheI is not your sperm collector.


agreed she is not a toy BUT A PERSON WITH REAL FEELINGS
help does not always mean sex but sometimes it does just gotta know you still might not get it
also this was said to singularity specifically in relation to what he has posted but still I should have been clearer with what was intended thank you for making sure things remain clear
very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 20:35 #305456

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MayanHamisgaber wrote on 09 Feb 2017 20:04:

cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 13:21:

MayanHamisgaber wrote on 09 Feb 2017 12:19:
then you ask your' loving and supporting wife for "help"

No, you don't.

SheI is not your sperm collector.


agreed she is not a toy BUT A PERSON WITH REAL FEELINGS
help does not always mean sex but sometimes it does just gotta know you still might not get it
also this was said to singularity specifically in relation to what he has posted but still I should have been clearer with what was intended thank you for making sure things remain clear

Firstly, I was told it should be sperm dumpster.

Secondly, my apologies, but I really don't understand what you're sayin'.

I am sorry, but sentences, punctuation marks and capital letters would be a start.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 20:40 #305457

  • MayanHamisgaber
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Agreed she is not a toy/collector/dumpster or whatever but a person with real feelings.

Help does not always mean sex but sometimes it does, just gotta know you still might not get it.

Also this was said to singularity specifically in relation to what he has posted but still I should have been clearer with what was intended

Thank you for making sure things remain clear
very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 20:54 #305458

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Thank you Mr MH,

ItI is appreciated.

I went back again several pages to thoseI quotes. Mr singularity was specifically referrin' to sex with his wife. He was aroused and needed an outlet. Your response to him several times was that he should ask his wife for help. You even mentioned that this will prevent him from sinnin'. 

This is the point I am disagreein' with strongly, and especially for us fellows. We will probably never have enough sex. We will always want more. Asking her for help with our arousal status is from the worst things we could do, that is, if we are interested in change.

Is there a time for the wife to help evenI us guys? Perhaps yes, but it is onI her terms, her time, her schedule, etc., and only when we are doin' aI damn good job of changin'.

There is someone on this site who advocates rape for the purpose of not wastin' seed, and that it is the man's right, and that's it's written in the kesuvah, and we are normal, and we took out the garbage and washed theBAD WORD REMOVEDin' dishes. I do not subscribe to that theory.

B'hatzlachah
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 21:05 #305460

  • MayanHamisgaber
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Point taken and accepted

​As I am not an addict it is still hard for me to accept that it is never "mutter" to ask if needed but that is my problem and shall try to remember this in the future.

I have read that other thread and have not commented on purpose let's leave it at that

KOMT
very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!
Last Edit: 09 Feb 2017 21:09 by cordnoy.

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 21:12 #305462

  • MayanHamisgaber
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Thank you for editing the typo
very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 21:14 #305463

  • cordnoy
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MayanHamisgaber wrote on 09 Feb 2017 21:12:
Thank you for editing the typo

T'was a one time special.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 21:21 #305464

  • MayanHamisgaber
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can I have another one as I was editing it when it changed in between when I clicked edit and it loaded for editing?  
very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 22:22 #305474

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cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 14:56:

Hashem Help Me wrote on 09 Feb 2017 14:33:

cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 14:12:












Then your work on yourself.

​You stop cryin' over the situation you've been dealt and do what you can to change.

Don't lay the blame elsewhere.

That is what I did.

It was, and is tough.

It was not andI is not always rewardin', but the cherry at the end of the tunnel is not whether or not I will have sex tonight.







That line from Cordnoy "the cherry....is not whether or not I will have sex tonight", has to be the axiomatic guiding light for those of us who have had to retrain and refocus ourselves. So many of us were subconsciously driven by that very sour cherry. We spent hours without realizing it planning, manipulating, arranging that there be sex that night. Very well said.

Thank you.

II like that....axiomatic guidin' light.

I agree with everythin' you wrote, except one word.

Which word?
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

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