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Singularity's Journey
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: Singularity's Journey 96225 Views

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 12:19 #305402

  • MayanHamisgaber
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then you ask your' loving and supporting wife for "help"
very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 12:25 #305404

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I help myself. To her. I admit it. What a monster.

but 70 days clean nevertheless! BH. 
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
My Thread

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 12:39 #305405

  • MayanHamisgaber
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not a monster just a normal person with big things to overcome
personally I feel that in these situations and with a loving wife who understands this is one situation that she can be matzle m'chet
very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 13:20 #305407

  • cordnoy
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bb0212 wrote on 09 Feb 2017 07:24:

Hashem Help Me wrote on 09 Feb 2017 06:56:

Markz wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:09:
Thank GD for gye I'm porn free for a year and a half - no second looks, no "random " google searches, no non kosher YouTube vids

But when natural instincts are awakened to be intimate with ones wife it's a different story. 
It's something I'm working on

But I don't buy the idea of waiting for her to initiate. You're going to an opposite extreme.
There has to be love and open communication. Husband is the initiator. BUT it has to be communicated clearly that "I don't need it. Don't do it for me. It's for us. You have to be ok with it. If you are not able tonight for whatever reason, we won't". 
My wife was surprised when I told her that. 
she was like "are you sure? I need to be available for you, else maybe you'll do porn" and I said "nope" I'm not gonna die if I don't get my fix



Sometimes some abstention is necessary to break the hyperfocus on having sex. But that is not the ultimate. There should be intimacy and if both are interested it should continue to healthy sex. If she isn't interested, nobody will die from not continuing. It will be hard the first few times but after a while you can be completely in control. Your wife will appreciate you so much for this mehalech and when you do have relations it will be so much more enjoyable - and you will feel great and proud afterwards - the way a husband who treats his wife well feels.

I'd imagine that's true to a point - if somebody's wife isn't interested in sex for two years, what then?

Howbout over 20?
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 13:21 #305408

  • cordnoy
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MayanHamisgaber wrote on 09 Feb 2017 12:19:
then you ask your' loving and supporting wife for "help"

No, you don't.

SheI is not your sperm collector.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 13:23 #305409

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MayanHamisgaber wrote on 09 Feb 2017 12:39:
not a monster just a normal person with big things to overcome
personally I feel that in these situations and with a loving wife who understands this is one situation that she can be matzle m'chet

Not her job.

EspeciallyI for us fellows.

And besides, she won't be there four times a day/night.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 13:25 #305410

  • cordnoy
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Singularity wrote on 09 Feb 2017 12:12:

will Succeed Beh wrote on 09 Feb 2017 11:09:

Workingguy wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:42:

2) It's very true that you will live if you don't get your fix, and in today's day and age it doesn't seem to work that often that a woman is interested in being her husbands protection from sin and you're for being intimate with him.



As an addict the white book says "sex is optional", it is hard for me to agree with it, but i know that if sex is not optional, then it means its lust for me, and having sex with my wife even though its Muter will only feed my lust!!!
When i want to show love to my wife, there is dozens of other ways to show it... not by pressuring her emotionally in to something she isn't in the mood of right now!

With that being said - there is a Mitzveh of pleasuring the wife (not yourself), and Piryeh Verivyeh, and a person that purely means G-d's will, wont get agitated if his wife dosent want it now!
Protecting me from sin... i know as an addict - for me having sex with my wife will not keep me off porn... 

I agree that no matter how much I get from the Mrs, it will help nothing against porn and stuff. but in a matzav of being very aroused to the point of no control, what do ya do?

Rape her.

II took an alternative route.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 13:37 #305414

  • Singularity
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"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
My Thread

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 13:52 #305416

  • Workingguy
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Don't cry. Cordnoy is answering in a very strong manner, but I think it's important to clarify what he's saying.

There's no doubt that a wife can be your "wall" and if that works for her and you, that can be beautiful. For normal people, chazal definitely say there is a concept of being with one's wife when "yitzro misgaber alav".

Also, if you're working hard and you might have a fall and this can stop you from worse consequences, I'll weigh in and say that you should allow your wife to help you, probably contrary to what most people here would say.
Absolutely not relevant to me because my wife doesn't relate to intimacy that way at all, and it would hurt our intimate life.

However, if you're an addict and it's not going to help and instead of being mechazek you, it will just allow you to indulge more, you're wife will be feeling used and you'll end up acting out tomorrow or the next day anyway, and you're looking at all sorts of stuff anyway, then what's the point? You're feeding your Lust, you're not making an effort anyway, so why do it? But if you are working hard and need a little help and want to prevent worse consequences and she doesn't mind, why not?

And I think one more thing- it's easy to confuse the concept of a woman being available and interested for her husband to "keep him safe" in this crazy world before he's been all over the map. That's a very admirable trait on her part, but not something HE should really ask for. It's HER Rambam, as they say.

But for so many of us, we have this ideal of our wives protecting us after we've become the problem. So that won't really work.

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 13:54 #305417

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cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 13:20:

bb0212 wrote on 09 Feb 2017 07:24:

Hashem Help Me wrote on 09 Feb 2017 06:56:

Markz wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:09:
Thank GD for gye I'm porn free for a year and a half - no second looks, no "random " google searches, no non kosher YouTube vids

But when natural instincts are awakened to be intimate with ones wife it's a different story. 
It's something I'm working on

But I don't buy the idea of waiting for her to initiate. You're going to an opposite extreme.
There has to be love and open communication. Husband is the initiator. BUT it has to be communicated clearly that "I don't need it. Don't do it for me. It's for us. You have to be ok with it. If you are not able tonight for whatever reason, we won't". 
My wife was surprised when I told her that. 
she was like "are you sure? I need to be available for you, else maybe you'll do porn" and I said "nope" I'm not gonna die if I don't get my fix




Sometimes some abstention is necessary to break the hyperfocus on having sex. But that is not the ultimate. There should be intimacy and if both are interested it should continue to healthy sex. If she isn't interested, nobody will die from not continuing. It will be hard the first few times but after a while you can be completely in control. Your wife will appreciate you so much for this mehalech and when you do have relations it will be so much more enjoyable - and you will feel great and proud afterwards - the way a husband who treats his wife well feels.

I'd imagine that's true to a point - if somebody's wife isn't interested in sex for two years, what then?

Howbout over 20?


Exactly. Then what?
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 14:11 #305420

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Singularity wrote on 09 Feb 2017 12:12:








I agree that no matter how much I get from the Mrs, it will help nothing against porn and stuff. but in a matzav of being very aroused to the point of no control, what do ya do?

There was a point in my recovery where I felt that if that would happen, then better to allow the zera to come out (of course without any hand assistance) rather than "use" my wife. This of course would really need a psak of horoas sha'ah from a big posek. BH it never got to that. I forced myself to stay in control even when very intimate.  Now I feel I graduated to the extent that if it came to such a matzav I would explain to my wife the situation. Doing the act, although somewhat inappropriate, would not at this point undo what I have trained myself to expect of myself. Fortunately my wife is an incredible person and would be very understanding. (She put up with much much worse from me in an extremely gracious manner............)  I would make it up to my wife in some other way and do my utmost to not allow myself to get to such a point of arousal.  I don't know if this answer would be appropriate for a true addict. I am answering for those of us who are retraining ourselves from very ingrained/obsessive bad habits. 
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 14:12 #305421

  • cordnoy
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bb0212 wrote on 09 Feb 2017 13:54:



cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 13:20:

bb0212 wrote on 09 Feb 2017 07:24:

Hashem Help Me wrote on 09 Feb 2017 06:56:

Markz wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:09:
Thank GD for gye I'm porn free for a year and a half - no second looks, no "random " google searches, no non kosher YouTube vids

But when natural instincts are awakened to be intimate with ones wife it's a different story. 
It's something I'm working on

But I don't buy the idea of waiting for her to initiate. You're going to an opposite extreme.
There has to be love and open communication. Husband is the initiator. BUT it has to be communicated clearly that "I don't need it. Don't do it for me. It's for us. You have to be ok with it. If you are not able tonight for whatever reason, we won't". 
My wife was surprised when I told her that. 
she was like "are you sure? I need to be available for you, else maybe you'll do porn" and I said "nope" I'm not gonna die if I don't get my fix





Sometimes some abstention is necessary to break the hyperfocus on having sex. But that is not the ultimate. There should be intimacy and if both are interested it should continue to healthy sex. If she isn't interested, nobody will die from not continuing. It will be hard the first few times but after a while you can be completely in control. Your wife will appreciate you so much for this mehalech and when you do have relations it will be so much more enjoyable - and you will feel great and proud afterwards - the way a husband who treats his wife well feels.

I'd imagine that's true to a point - if somebody's wife isn't interested in sex for two years, what then?

Howbout over 20?


Exactly. Then what?

Then your work on yourself.

​You stop cryin' over the situation you've been dealt and do what you can to change.

Don't lay the blame elsewhere.

That is what I did.

It was, and is tough.

It was not andI is not always rewardin', but the cherry at the end of the tunnel is not whether or not I will have sex tonight.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 14:19 #305423

  • bb0212
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cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 14:12:

bb0212 wrote on 09 Feb 2017 13:54:



cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 13:20:

bb0212 wrote on 09 Feb 2017 07:24:

Hashem Help Me wrote on 09 Feb 2017 06:56:

Markz wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:09:
Thank GD for gye I'm porn free for a year and a half - no second looks, no "random " google searches, no non kosher YouTube vids

But when natural instincts are awakened to be intimate with ones wife it's a different story. 
It's something I'm working on

But I don't buy the idea of waiting for her to initiate. You're going to an opposite extreme.
There has to be love and open communication. Husband is the initiator. BUT it has to be communicated clearly that "I don't need it. Don't do it for me. It's for us. You have to be ok with it. If you are not able tonight for whatever reason, we won't". 
My wife was surprised when I told her that. 
she was like "are you sure? I need to be available for you, else maybe you'll do porn" and I said "nope" I'm not gonna die if I don't get my fix






Sometimes some abstention is necessary to break the hyperfocus on having sex. But that is not the ultimate. There should be intimacy and if both are interested it should continue to healthy sex. If she isn't interested, nobody will die from not continuing. It will be hard the first few times but after a while you can be completely in control. Your wife will appreciate you so much for this mehalech and when you do have relations it will be so much more enjoyable - and you will feel great and proud afterwards - the way a husband who treats his wife well feels.

I'd imagine that's true to a point - if somebody's wife isn't interested in sex for two years, what then?

Howbout over 20?


Exactly. Then what?

Then your work on yourself.

​You stop cryin' over the situation you've been dealt and do what you can to change.

Don't lay the blame elsewhere.

That is what I did.

It was, and is tough.

It was not andI is not always rewardin', but the cherry at the end of the tunnel is not whether or not I will have sex tonight.

My question was theoretical. What does one do if his wife isn't never interested.  0 sex for two years, 5 years, "just because". I don't know what that's like, but it can't make for a very healthy relationship. Also I'm not an addict (at least I don't think I am), so my question may be different than what you're understanding it to be.
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 14:22 #305425

  • cordnoy
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bb0212 wrote on 09 Feb 2017 14:19:

cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 14:12:

bb0212 wrote on 09 Feb 2017 13:54:



cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 13:20:

bb0212 wrote on 09 Feb 2017 07:24:

Hashem Help Me wrote on 09 Feb 2017 06:56:

Markz wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:09:
Thank GD for gye I'm porn free for a year and a half - no second looks, no "random " google searches, no non kosher YouTube vids

But when natural instincts are awakened to be intimate with ones wife it's a different story. 
It's something I'm working on

But I don't buy the idea of waiting for her to initiate. You're going to an opposite extreme.
There has to be love and open communication. Husband is the initiator. BUT it has to be communicated clearly that "I don't need it. Don't do it for me. It's for us. You have to be ok with it. If you are not able tonight for whatever reason, we won't". 
My wife was surprised when I told her that. 
she was like "are you sure? I need to be available for you, else maybe you'll do porn" and I said "nope" I'm not gonna die if I don't get my fix







Sometimes some abstention is necessary to break the hyperfocus on having sex. But that is not the ultimate. There should be intimacy and if both are interested it should continue to healthy sex. If she isn't interested, nobody will die from not continuing. It will be hard the first few times but after a while you can be completely in control. Your wife will appreciate you so much for this mehalech and when you do have relations it will be so much more enjoyable - and you will feel great and proud afterwards - the way a husband who treats his wife well feels.

I'd imagine that's true to a point - if somebody's wife isn't interested in sex for two years, what then?

Howbout over 20?


Exactly. Then what?

Then your work on yourself.

​You stop cryin' over the situation you've been dealt and do what you can to change.

Don't lay the blame elsewhere.

That is what I did.

It was, and is tough.

It was not andI is not always rewardin', but the cherry at the end of the tunnel is not whether or not I will have sex tonight.

My question was theoretical. What does one do if his wife isn't never interested.  0 sex for two years, 5 years, "just because". I don't know what that's like, but it can't make for a very healthy relationship. Also I'm not an addict (at least I don't think I am), so my question may be different than what you're understanding it to be.

Your question may have been rhetoric, but my answer was not.

B'hatzlachah
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 14:33 #305429

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cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 14:12:












Then your work on yourself.

​You stop cryin' over the situation you've been dealt and do what you can to change.

Don't lay the blame elsewhere.

That is what I did.

It was, and is tough.

It was not andI is not always rewardin', but the cherry at the end of the tunnel is not whether or not I will have sex tonight.







That line from Cordnoy "the cherry....is not whether or not I will have sex tonight", has to be the axiomatic guiding light for those of us who have had to retrain and refocus ourselves. So many of us were subconsciously driven by that very sour cherry. We spent hours without realizing it planning, manipulating, arranging that there be sex that night. Very well said.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE
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