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Singularity's Journey
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: Singularity's Journey 96220 Views

Re: Singularity's Journey 08 Feb 2017 15:57 #305279

  • cordnoy
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Markz wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:09:
Thank GD for gye I'm porn free for a year and a half - no second looks, no "random " google searches, no non kosher YouTube vids

But when natural instincts are awakened to be intimate with ones wife it's a different story. 
It's something I'm working on

But I don't buy the idea of waiting for her to initiate. You're going to an opposite extreme.
There has to be love and open communication. Husband is the initiator. BUT it has to be communicated clearly that "I don't need it. Don't do it for me. It's for us. You have to be ok with it. If you are not able tonight for whatever reason, we won't". 
My wife was surprised when I told her that. 
she was like "are you sure? I need to be available for you, else maybe you'll do porn" and I said "nope" I'm not gonna die if I don't get my fix

It ain't for sale!

I hardly ever initiate.

Can't go back there.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Singularity's Journey 08 Feb 2017 17:26 #305287

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Workingguy wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:42:
Markz, or actually now that I realize that I know you I can call you....Markz! much better than your real name Getzel. Two questions-

1) How have you been so matzliach at no searches, YouTube, etc? You haven't shared your process in a while; can you?


Click on "My story" below. It's basically the same

I have a full time job (with overtime) which I enjoy although tough at times. and I try learn a little, and hold a second part time job, and spend time with my Fam, and participate on gye, so my hands are too busy to be goggling

Sorry it's no long psychological discourse

All my love
Getzel
My Story---------Dov Quotes




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Re: Singularity's Journey 08 Feb 2017 17:28 #305288

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Cords,

Personal question- would you do that even if she would never or almost never initiate? Serious not sarcastic question. 

Re: Singularity's Journey 08 Feb 2017 18:24 #305300

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Singularity:
Sorry to here about the hard time I feel your' pain and completely relate to it as my wife too tells me she wants to be my wall/rock or whatever. I usually do not  initiate and when we do it she is happy doesn't matter who started and when she asks if I need it and I tell her that I do not want to push her she appreciates it
You just have to find the right balance for yourself no one can decide for you
very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

Re: Singularity's Journey 08 Feb 2017 19:17 #305310

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Workingguy wrote on 08 Feb 2017 17:28:
Cords,

Personal question- would you do that even if she would never or almost never initiate? Serious not sarcastic question. 

Not only is my answer yes to the future, it is to the past and present.

HaveI there been some days, weeks, months that she has somewhat initiated? Yes, but that is not the rule; it is the exception. And by the way, if you don't believe me, ask my wife; she will respond accordingly.

DoI I fall every once in a whileI and try to initiate? Yes. But usually, I end up beatin' myself up afterwards.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Singularity's Journey 08 Feb 2017 22:14 #305327

  • Shlomo24
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There are many people who have "asking their wife for sex" as a bottom line. While I don't have experience with this at all, I understand the logic.
If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can. 

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 02:41 #305364

  • Shlomo24
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I would like to add, however, that this is true for addicts. Singularity, or whatever his real name is, is an addict. I've heard addicts say asking for sex  is a bottom line of theirs. For people like Mark, it's a whole different story.
If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can. 

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 03:00 #305365

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cordnoy wrote on 08 Feb 2017 19:17:

Workingguy wrote on 08 Feb 2017 17:28:
Cords,

Personal question- would you do that even if she would never or almost never initiate? Serious not sarcastic question. 

Not only is my answer yes to the future, it is to the past and present.

HaveI there been some days, weeks, months that she has somewhat initiated? Yes, but that is not the rule; it is the exception. And by the way, if you don't believe me, ask my wife; she will respond accordingly.

DoI I fall every once in a whileI and try to initiate? Yes. But usually, I end up beatin' myself up afterwards.


More questions- asking really to understand and not "lekanter".

If you're wife doesn't initiate and you don't, chances are it obviously won't happen much. Is that the way you leave it, and do you think your marriage is affected negatively in any way?

Do you not initiate because it's bad for you to do so, or because she doesn't want you to, or both?

If she told you that she wants you to initiate, would you?

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 03:59 #305366

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If you're wife doesn't initiate and you don't, chances are it obviously won't happen much. Is that the way you leave it, and do you think your marriage is affected negatively in any way?

YesI, that is the way we leave it. At times it is adversely affected. Basically, it depends upon my moods.

Do you not initiate because it's bad for you to do so, or because she doesn't want you to, or both?

ProbablyI both.

If she told you that she wants you to initiate, would you?

HellI yes!
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.
Last Edit: 09 Feb 2017 04:00 by cordnoy.

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 04:55 #305369

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cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 03:59:
If you're wife doesn't initiate and you don't, chances are it obviously won't happen much. Is that the way you leave it, and do you think your marriage is affected negatively in any way?

YesI, that is the way we leave it. At times it is adversely affected. Basically, it depends upon my moods.

Do you not initiate because it's bad for you to do so, or because she doesn't want you to, or both?

ProbablyI both.

If she told you that she wants you to initiate, would you?

HellI yes!

Cords, kol hakavod to you. I'm guessing that's not what you want to hear but you give yourself credit where it's due. If you beat yourself up when you "slip", be fair to yourself and give yourself credit when you're strong. Even though I don't know the numbers (how often you actually do it) from the experience that I have, for a few months when my ex wouldn't go to the mik and I was going nuts. This was at a time when I was extremely depressed & had a very weak sex drive. I can't understand what you're going through, but keep at it, keep focusing on how much strength you've gained through the years of work that you've done.

Look back at the times that you fell. How much did you grow overall because of each fall? Please try to focus on how often you are winning and succeeding. If you need help, lmk I'll try to help you focus.

BB0212

ETA: Just realized this is Singularity's thread. Didn't mean to hijack it.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.
Last Edit: 09 Feb 2017 06:20 by bb0212.

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 06:56 #305372

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Markz wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:09:
Thank GD for gye I'm porn free for a year and a half - no second looks, no "random " google searches, no non kosher YouTube vids

But when natural instincts are awakened to be intimate with ones wife it's a different story. 
It's something I'm working on

But I don't buy the idea of waiting for her to initiate. You're going to an opposite extreme.
There has to be love and open communication. Husband is the initiator. BUT it has to be communicated clearly that "I don't need it. Don't do it for me. It's for us. You have to be ok with it. If you are not able tonight for whatever reason, we won't". 
My wife was surprised when I told her that. 
she was like "are you sure? I need to be available for you, else maybe you'll do porn" and I said "nope" I'm not gonna die if I don't get my fix

Sometimes some abstention is necessary to break the hyperfocus on having sex. But that is not the ultimate. There should be intimacy and if both are interested it should continue to healthy sex. If she isn't interested, nobody will die from not continuing. It will be hard the first few times but after a while you can be completely in control. Your wife will appreciate you so much for this mehalech and when you do have relations it will be so much more enjoyable - and you will feel great and proud afterwards - the way a husband who treats his wife well feels.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 07:24 #305374

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Hashem Help Me wrote on 09 Feb 2017 06:56:

Markz wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:09:
Thank GD for gye I'm porn free for a year and a half - no second looks, no "random " google searches, no non kosher YouTube vids

But when natural instincts are awakened to be intimate with ones wife it's a different story. 
It's something I'm working on

But I don't buy the idea of waiting for her to initiate. You're going to an opposite extreme.
There has to be love and open communication. Husband is the initiator. BUT it has to be communicated clearly that "I don't need it. Don't do it for me. It's for us. You have to be ok with it. If you are not able tonight for whatever reason, we won't". 
My wife was surprised when I told her that. 
she was like "are you sure? I need to be available for you, else maybe you'll do porn" and I said "nope" I'm not gonna die if I don't get my fix


Sometimes some abstention is necessary to break the hyperfocus on having sex. But that is not the ultimate. There should be intimacy and if both are interested it should continue to healthy sex. If she isn't interested, nobody will die from not continuing. It will be hard the first few times but after a while you can be completely in control. Your wife will appreciate you so much for this mehalech and when you do have relations it will be so much more enjoyable - and you will feel great and proud afterwards - the way a husband who treats his wife well feels.

I'd imagine that's true to a point - if somebody's wife isn't interested in sex for two years, what then?
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 07:31 #305375

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Thanks everyone for the wonderful insights.

I feel I have a wife with very rare middos befitting a true bas yisroel. I thank Hashem for that, and thank you guys for helping me realise it.

On a lighter note, my wife and I had a fantastic day yesterday, had early supper with the kids. baked, sorted out clothing, made her feel accomplished. You know, normal things, things an addict dreams of.

And I didn't initiate this time! but there was a consensus, BH.

I understand I need to initiate sometimes. I don't believe my initiating or not affects my porn/masturbation addiction. That's just me. Just, I don't know the best way to go about it, and sometimes she really is tired, but I think it will be OK because is being tired an excuse? Every night is a different ball game; just gotta roll with it. It's hard to determine sometimes. And if I miscalculate, I end up feeling bad, and that's a potential trigger.

I need some more time to chew on it. But I'm in a better space, I feel, BH. Thanks everybody!
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


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Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 11:09 #305400

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Workingguy wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:42:

2) It's very true that you will live if you don't get your fix, and in today's day and age it doesn't seem to work that often that a woman is interested in being her husbands protection from sin and you're for being intimate with him.

As an addict the white book says "sex is optional", it is hard for me to agree with it, but i know that if sex is not optional, then it means its lust for me, and having sex with my wife even though its Muter will only feed my lust!!!
When i want to show love to my wife, there is dozens of other ways to show it... not by pressuring her emotionally in to something she isn't in the mood of right now!

With that being said - there is a Mitzveh of pleasuring the wife (not yourself), and Piryeh Verivyeh, and a person that purely means G-d's will, wont get agitated if his wife dosent want it now!
Protecting me from sin... i know as an addict - for me having sex with my wife will not keep me off porn... 
BE"H WE WILL ALL SUCCEED
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Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 12:12 #305401

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will Succeed Beh wrote on 09 Feb 2017 11:09:

Workingguy wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:42:

2) It's very true that you will live if you don't get your fix, and in today's day and age it doesn't seem to work that often that a woman is interested in being her husbands protection from sin and you're for being intimate with him.


As an addict the white book says "sex is optional", it is hard for me to agree with it, but i know that if sex is not optional, then it means its lust for me, and having sex with my wife even though its Muter will only feed my lust!!!
When i want to show love to my wife, there is dozens of other ways to show it... not by pressuring her emotionally in to something she isn't in the mood of right now!

With that being said - there is a Mitzveh of pleasuring the wife (not yourself), and Piryeh Verivyeh, and a person that purely means G-d's will, wont get agitated if his wife dosent want it now!
Protecting me from sin... i know as an addict - for me having sex with my wife will not keep me off porn... 

I agree that no matter how much I get from the Mrs, it will help nothing against porn and stuff. but in a matzav of being very aroused to the point of no control, what do ya do?
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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