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Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage?
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TOPIC: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 8502 Views

Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 17 Sep 2015 16:25 #264021

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selfloathing wrote:

I guess what I am asking is if the 90 days can end the mind-numbing impulse that causes me to ignore ALL the reasons and barriers I use to stay away from falling again...

No it can't. It can take the edge off. It can give you perspective. It can give you a dose of reality as opposed the lust induced haze we were living in. All those things are crucial to long term success. But 90 days will not cure you. It will not remove the brain farts that make you act counter to all reason and enlightened self interest.
It is just anothe tool in the arsenal that needs to be developed to find freedom.
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Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 17 Sep 2015 17:21 #264030

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Hi, I wish you hatzlacha with your efforts, and kol hakavod for trying this again. Unlike the wise elders here (not being sarcastic) I have no advice except to share some of my own experience.

selfloathing wrote:
Of course this led to guilt and suffering, but I held it in and hid away from the world. I began to hate myself, and it began to affect every thing in my life. I lost confidence in my abilities at work, in my kehila, in my abilities as a father. I became an angry man with a short fuse. I always feel uncomfortable, I can't even be "in" a conversation anymore, I just keep looking for ways to end it, get back on the computer or hide away in the bathroom or...


One Friday night I woke up to the reality that I had become the man with a short fuse.

I so desperately wanted to have a Shabbos table that was beautiful and inspiring, and that was not possible because of my own self-loathing (can you change your username?) but I didn't want to accept that so I was snapping at the kids for the slightest breaking of the "rules". Once I succeeded in making everyone as miserable as I was I couldn't bear to be near anyone especially myself so I just left the table and went to bed. It's a sick, horrible memory, and it wasn't a one-time event, more of a apex of a bad path I was on for too long. However, it was no longer deniable that the problem was with me, and I took a scary step (I was also proud, still am) and reached out for professional help. It helped that my wife was supportive although she had no idea what was bothering me. It took a few years of therapy and other things including some major life changes, and my life went further south before turning the corner but the very first step was the realization that I had become the man with a short fuse and could not hide from it anymore - and then reaching out for help.


My trouble is that at some point i "burst" and adopt a consequences-be-damned attitude which is immediately followed by depression.


The "D" Word. Do you really mean it?


With regards to Teshuvah, I experience true Charoteh with each attempt to stop. I hate it with a passion. It hurts me spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally. Once I truly stop, I can repair the damage it has done.


I believe it is in the Chovos Halevovos that there is a concept of רשעים מלאים חרטות. I have no idea when to apply that, maybe the difference is when the guilt is productive vs. counter-productive, I'm just throwing it out there hoping one of the aforementioned elders will explain it or tell me to shut up.

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Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 17 Sep 2015 18:48 #264040

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eslaasos wrote:
Hi, I wish you hatzlacha with your efforts, and kol hakavod for trying this again. Unlike the wise elders here (not being sarcastic) I have no advice except to share some of my own experience.

selfloathing wrote:
Of course this led to guilt and suffering, but I held it in and hid away from the world. I began to hate myself, and it began to affect every thing in my life. I lost confidence in my abilities at work, in my kehila, in my abilities as a father. I became an angry man with a short fuse. I always feel uncomfortable, I can't even be "in" a conversation anymore, I just keep looking for ways to end it, get back on the computer or hide away in the bathroom or...


One Friday night I woke up to the reality that I had become the man with a short fuse.

I so desperately wanted to have a Shabbos table that was beautiful and inspiring, and that was not possible because of my own self-loathing (can you change your username?) but I didn't want to accept that so I was snapping at the kids for the slightest breaking of the "rules". Once I succeeded in making everyone as miserable as I was I couldn't bear to be near anyone especially myself so I just left the table and went to bed. It's a sick, horrible memory, and it wasn't a one-time event, more of a apex of a bad path I was on for too long. However, it was no longer deniable that the problem was with me, and I took a scary step (I was also proud, still am) and reached out for professional help. It helped that my wife was supportive although she had no idea what was bothering me. It took a few years of therapy and other things including some major life changes, and my life went further south before turning the corner but the very first step was the realization that I had become the man with a short fuse and could not hide from it anymore - and then reaching out for help.


My trouble is that at some point i "burst" and adopt a consequences-be-damned attitude which is immediately followed by depression.


The "D" Word. Do you really mean it?


With regards to Teshuvah, I experience true Charoteh with each attempt to stop. I hate it with a passion. It hurts me spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally. Once I truly stop, I can repair the damage it has done.


I believe it is in the Chovos Halevovos that there is a concept of רשעים מלאים חרטות. I have no idea when to apply that, maybe the difference is when the guilt is productive vs. counter-productive, I'm just throwing it out there hoping one of the aforementioned elders will explain it or tell me to shut up.

Me'umka d'liba, hatzlacha rabah!


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Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 17 Sep 2015 18:50 #264041

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selfloathing wrote:

I guess what I am asking is if the 90 days can end the mind-numbing impulse that causes me to ignore ALL the reasons and barriers I use to stay away from falling again...


i feel like i agree with MBJ every time. no 90 days will not cure you, it will not take away the urge. i echo what cordy said that maybe the focus shouldn't be 90 days, maybe 1 day at a time? with that you can get the progressive victory over lust that SA talks about. i was talking with a friend who recently got a year of sobriety, he said the first 30 were the hardest for him, after 90 it got less and after 6 moths it got even less. however, it's a process that takes time, i know personally that because i was covering up my emotions with sex i couldn't feel anymore. i just reached 30 days yesterday and this past 30 days was HARD, i finally felt my emotions, yet i didn't have my drug to cover it up.

i also want to commend the way you expressed your feelings. selfloathing wrote:

With regards to Teshuvah, I experience true Charoteh with each attempt to stop. I hate it with a passion. It hurts me spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally. Once I truly stop, I can repair the damage it has done.


i really resonate with that. i feel like you're describing me! real honesty there. i also recently stopped calling everybody an addict, but i think you described the mental crash perfectly. if i recall you admit that you're an addict. for me being an addict is the best thing. it means that i have diseased thinking so i don't get hung up over my thoughts. it also means that SA will work if i work it because SA is for addicts. i am not pushing SA, i am just illustrating why the label of "addict" is good for me.

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Last Edit: 17 Sep 2015 18:52 by Shlomo24.

Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 18 Sep 2015 00:29 #264077

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Was it easier today than on the last day you acted out?
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Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 18 Sep 2015 03:41 #264100

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serenity wrote:
Was it easier today than on the last day you acted out?

At times, at others it was "dead-head" zone, but no slips and/or falls!
And I claim my 7 day "chip" on the 90 day chart, so there's that...

I really need to thank everyone for their messages/chats and encouragement. I couldn't stick to this alone!

Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 18 Sep 2015 12:07 #264117

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In my case the support I get from my wife helps me greatly. Working all by yourself might prove difficult so you can talk to GYE members, go see a therapist, go to SA groups --> you have to figure out what works best for you.

Try changing some things in your life; go home earlier, spend more time with your family...
Don't change everything at once as you will most probably fail, start with baby steps and IYH you will find strength to change more things and so on. Don't go for too lofty targets, go for the easy wins.
You have to start the battle and Hashem will join you fighting the YH (ha-bo letaher, mesayin oiso).
Wishing you a lot of strength

Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 18 Sep 2015 15:10 #264126

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eslaasos wrote:
The "D" Word. Do you really mean it?

Unfortunately I do, shutting down from the world, dark thoughts, agitation, apathy...



I believe it is in the Chovos Halevovos that there is a concept of רשעים מלאים חרטות. I have no idea when to apply that, maybe the difference is when the guilt is productive vs. counter-productive, I'm just throwing it out there hoping one of the aforementioned elders will explain it or tell me to shut up.

Me'umka d'liba, hatzlacha rabah!

I'd love to get others insight into this matter

Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 18 Sep 2015 15:16 #264128

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Another day clean, kinda heavy hearted today. trying to use some personal prayer mantras to push through...
With tonight being Friday night, can anyone else tell me if they feel anxiety about mitzvah night? For some reason I feel tons of pressure on fridays...

Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 18 Sep 2015 15:58 #264131

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selfloathing wrote:
Another day clean, kinda heavy hearted today. trying to use some personal prayer mantras to push through...
With tonight being Friday night, can anyone else tell me if they feel anxiety about mitzvah night? For some reason I feel tons of pressure on fridays...


I didn't know Friday night has to be Mitzvah night, thought it was just a nice idea, more relevant to a Talmid Chochom in the old days. Maybe I should ask my wife what she thinks of the idea.
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Last Edit: 18 Sep 2015 16:27 by eslaasos.

Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 18 Sep 2015 16:02 #264133

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selfloathing wrote:

eslaasos wrote:
The "D" Word. Do you really mean it?

Unfortunately I do, shutting down from the world, dark thoughts, agitation, apathy...


I PM'ed you, let me know if you want to talk.
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Last Edit: 18 Sep 2015 16:03 by eslaasos.

Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 18 Sep 2015 16:20 #264134

I love Friday nights because the stress of work is gone and I can just focus on the family. We always go for a walk after the meal where we can connect and talk uninterrupted and it allows me to focus 100% on my wife and tell her how much I appreciate her.
This usually segways into a very nice evening when we get home.

Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 18 Sep 2015 17:05 #264140

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pischoshelmachat wrote:
I love Friday nights because the stress of work is gone and I can just focus on the family. We always go for a walk after the meal where we can connect and talk uninterrupted and it allows me to focus 100% on my wife and tell her how much I appreciate her.
This usually segways into a very nice evening when we get home.


Thanks for reminding me why I tend to stay away from the Baalei Batim's forum

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Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 18 Sep 2015 17:10 #264141

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selfloathing wrote:
With tonight being Friday night, can anyone else tell me if they feel anxiety about mitzvah night? For some reason I feel tons of pressure on fridays...

Mitzvah night? We do lots of mitzvos on Friday night in my house - kiddush, seudas shabbos, speak divrei torah - but not always the particular mitzvah you're referring to.

We actually call it "fall asleep at the table night."
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Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 18 Sep 2015 18:18 #264148

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listen guys, apparently selfloathing (uch, i hate the name, sorry ) has this tradition, that's ok. other people don't, that's also ok.

if mitzva night is too pressuring, maybe have a talk with your wife about it?
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