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Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage?
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TOPIC: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 8501 Views

Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 16 Sep 2015 14:41 #263859

  • selfloathing
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Let's try honesty...
OK here goes...

This is my second GYE account, my other one started 3 years ago. I logged in once, lasted 3 days, fell back into bad habits and never logged in again.... I can't even remember my account information...

A bit of history:
I started looking at pornography at 11 years old, but I didn't really masturbate until I was 16 years old.

I continued for the next 8 years, telling myself that once I got married it would stop...

I got married and that never happened, in fact I would find myself on the computer "taking care of myself" as soon as my wife fell asleep after we were intimate.

Of course this led to guilt and suffering, but I held it in and hid away from the world. I began to hate myself, and it began to affect every thing in my life. I lost confidence in my abilities at work, in my kehila, in my abilities as a father. I became an angry man with a short fuse. I always feel uncomfortable, I can't even be "in" a conversation anymore, I just keep looking for ways to end it, get back on the computer or hide away in the bathroom or...

The trouble is that I work online, my entire parnosa involves me having unfettered access to the web. Additionally, when I tried broaching the subject to my wife, to get to help me get over this handicap, she got so offended it took me weeks to get her to get over it by telling her it was "just a temporary thing" and "i'm over it".

Because of all these excuses, I put any hopes of a cure out of my mind. I told myself I'd do it alone, make it a couple of weeks, and then cave...

But things changed a few months ago. I lost my job and started sitting online doing stupidities, and fell further into the pit again. Then things got really bad.

I no longer desired intimacy with my wife, or any physical contact at all. I started preferring the computer and watching these sites to spending time with my wife. Intimacy became a chore, I felt disconnected from my family, my community, my wife, myself, from G-D... Even on Rosh Hashana, when I closed my eyes to concentrate on the tefilos or pirush hamilos i would see images or tumah, I literally had to stare at the name "Havayah" by the Aron to chase the images away from my mind, and even that was a struggle...

I can't do it anymore, I need to change....

So I'm back, and this time it will work, because it has to...

This was extremely hard to write. I am a proud man, I never like to show weakness and admitting fault has never been a strong point. So I hope I don't feel stupid after I hit submit...
So I am 6 days clean now, and I already find it hard to focus on work on anything... I hope I can do this, I don't know what I would do if I fail....

Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 16 Sep 2015 14:48 #263860

  • Bigmoish
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Welcome back!
To answer the question in the title, no. 90 days can't do anything except perhaps break a bad habit. If there's a deeper problem, you need to dig a little deeper into yourself and make some real changes.
My signature has some links that I found helpful.
Wishing you much Hatzlocha.
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Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 16 Sep 2015 15:06 #263862

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Thank You BigMoish, I am going through them now...

Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 16 Sep 2015 15:06 #263863

  • ddmm11219
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Undo??? doubt it...
but to be aware, to see how deep i went with giving in, how sad my days are when i fell, and therefor focus on how much better i feel in a clean day... that might give me chizik
...וְאִם גַּם אֶתְאַמֵּץ בְּעֵצוֹת וְתַחְבֻּלוֹת וְכָל יוֹשְׁבֵי תֵבֵל יַעַמְדוּ לִימִינִי לְהוֹשִׁיעֵנִי וְלִתְמֹךְ נַפְשִׁי, מִבַּלְעֲדֵי עֻזְּךָ וְעֶזְרָתְךָ אֵין עֶזְרָה וִישׁוּעָה...‬

מתוך תפילה נפלאה שחיבר הרה"ק רבי מאיר מאפטא זצוק"ל, בעל מחבר ספר "אור לשמים", ונדפסה בתחילת ספרו.
Last Edit: 16 Sep 2015 15:07 by ddmm11219.

Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 16 Sep 2015 15:11 #263865

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I have tried and failed with that tactic. My trouble is that at some point i "burst" and adopt a consequences-be-damned attitude which is immediately followed by depression.
I'm hoping 90 day tokens can help me focus on something to offset the urgency that sets in...

Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 16 Sep 2015 15:28 #263868

  • waydown
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I am a total novice and neve rmade it near 90 days yet. Yes of course go for the 90 days thing. But just bear in mind in case the worse happens and you fall prepare for it. Make it be a slip not a fall. Learn how to brush it off and build upon prior successes.
Perosnally, I have found that while I still have a long way to go, life has greatly improved for me. I program myself that even when I slip make it a slip and move on. Perhaps slip days are a bit hard. But the rest of my days have been vastly better. I no longer send a whole day thinkng and browising shmutz. I now can accomplish stuff and work like a mentsch.
What i am trying to say is, its not an all or nothing approach. Work on one day at a time. If you fall, your goal will still be stay clean for the next day. 90 days is a very long time.
Disclaimer, i am not knocking the overall 90 days clean approach. However, I think there has to be two goals when doing 90 days. A long term goal but more importantly a short term goal.

Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 16 Sep 2015 15:31 #263869

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The only way I made any progress at all was to finally realize that all those years of trying to beat it on my own failed and clearly I could not beat it on my own. I then asked Hashem for help because alone I was helpless. And yes you can stay clean even with unfettered access to the internet, as long as the filter between your ears is working.
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Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 16 Sep 2015 15:39 #263870

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MBJ wrote:
yes you can stay clean even with unfettered access to the internet, as long as the filter between your ears is working.

I like to think it is working, the problem is the "power surges" that overwhelm the filter...
IY"H the GYE tools and support system will be what I need to finally "kick the habit"
Ironically, I was a smoker and quit "cold-turkey" because I wanted a change. But that was a cakewalk compared to this addiction...

Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 16 Sep 2015 16:15 #263877

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selfloathing wrote:

Ironically, I was a smoker and quit "cold-turkey" because I wanted a change. But that was a cakewalk compared to this addiction...


That is the key here too. Wanting to change, not wishing you wanted to change.
My Story
Only when we make our real lives sweeter than our fantasies will we reap the emotional rewards, the happiness of recovery. - AlexEliezer
Focus on making the right choices as they come up. - Skeptical
When I start to literally accept G-d's Will as guiding my life today, things start to change. - Dov
Last Edit: 16 Sep 2015 16:16 by MBJ.

Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 16 Sep 2015 17:58 #263897

  • Shlomo24
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to answer the question, no. 90 days will probably not even break your "habit" (i doubt it's still a habit at this point). however, that doesn't mean that there is no hope. i personally know people who were in worse situations than you and they are completely different people these days. you wouldn't guess that they had a sex addiction and had multiple affairs outside their marriage, that they had been to prison etc.

the only way possible is to work one day at a time, staying sober one day at a time, it's impossible to do more then that. and yes, some days will be better than others, some days will really suck. another key that i have found is giving up control, letting god take over to keep me sober. like MBJ said above. i can bet that you have tried to stop hundreds of times, said "this is the last time" "after this i'm done", but that obviously hasn't worked so well so far. maybe it's time to try something else?
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Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 17 Sep 2015 01:36 #263963

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I relate to so much of what you wrote.

Can 90 days undo 21 years of damage? I'm not sure what you are asking. Are you asking if staying clean for 90 days will rid you of the problem? Are you asking if 90 days clean will repair the 21 years worth of damage in your life and relationships? Are you asking if 90 days of teshuvah can repair 21 years of improper conduct in this regard?

90 days is just the beginning. It's best not to view it as a unit of 90 days, but one day at a time x 90, and then keep going another one day at a time.

Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 17 Sep 2015 03:23 #263968

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Welcome back! Hashem loves you and the proof is that He brought you back here.
Much Hatzlacha!

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Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 17 Sep 2015 03:38 #263969

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Many good responses.
I'm not sure that you should even focus on 90 days.
Today is the key!
Some of us find that we have said, "this is it.....it is over.....No more.....never again....." Many, many times.

B'hatzlachah.....stick around.
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Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 17 Sep 2015 15:48 #264009

  • selfloathing
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Thanks everyone for the chizuk and insight!
Another day clean!
I felt an urge a few minutes ago, so I logged in here to read up and refocus...

I have to ask.
While I will focus on today and try it one day at a time... does it get easier?

I know it's an addiction, that I am an addict. But I need to know when/if it gets easier...

Re: Can 90 Days Undo 21 years of damage? 17 Sep 2015 15:59 #264013

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skeptical wrote:
I relate to so much of what you wrote.

Can 90 days undo 21 years of damage? I'm not sure what you are asking. Are you asking if staying clean for 90 days will rid you of the problem? Are you asking if 90 days clean will repair the 21 years worth of damage in your life and relationships? Are you asking if 90 days of teshuvah can repair 21 years of improper conduct in this regard?

90 days is just the beginning. It's best not to view it as a unit of 90 days, but one day at a time x 90, and then keep going another one day at a time.


That's a good question.
I am hopeful that my relationship can be salvaged, there are moments of light that show me it can be repaired.

With regards to Teshuvah, I experience true Charoteh with each attempt to stop. I hate it with a passion. It hurts me spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally. Once I truly stop, I can repair the damage it has done.

I guess what I am asking is if the 90 days can end the mind-numbing impulse that causes me to ignore ALL the reasons and barriers I use to stay away from falling again...
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