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90 days??(gulp) What's the big deal?
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: 90 days??(gulp) What's the big deal? 8798 Views

Re: 90 days??(gulp) What's the big deal? 03 Nov 2009 21:14 #26795

  • the.guard
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Am I really an addict or am I just calling myself that as a desperate push to get better even if it is not accurate.



A couple of months ago, I was  browsing through a book by Rav Twerski called "addictive thinking" and was completely blown away. Not only did he "get it", but much more than that -  I really felt like he was talking directly to me. I thought this was strange, as the topic was not relevant to me at all - "addiction"?... (cue: eerie music here) but I never really gave much thought to it (I'm starting to think I understand why).




See this article where Rabbi Twerski explains how one can get addicted to this from a single use!

I think your idea of "situational addiction" is right on the mark. Just because someone can go without it for a long time, he is still addicted if specific situations make him feel powerless to resist it even though it goes against his morals and inner desires.

See also this page: www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Tips/Article.asp
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: by Yankyfrumboy.

Re: 90 days??(gulp) What's the big deal? 03 Nov 2009 21:45 #26803

  • Luria
Rabbeinu, the 2nd thing you quoted sounds a little familiar, I'm not sure why... .
As always, your links are amazing. I feel like I am getting personalized advice whenever I read them.

I just needed to realize some of these things about me  for myself - not only to have people tell me.  
But that situation 2 nights ago was really an eye openerl. In the past I've unfortunately been pretty quick to give in to my taivos.  I never realized what a hold it had on me - it took a situation where I wanted to  and couldn't act out (I would love to take credit for that but its all thanks to the filter). Getting whatever that was out of my system is just another motivation to win this battle. Writing out my thoughts here was also really helpful (for myself at least).

I am just wondering if I can use the fact that only specific situations trigger me as a tactic in this fight. The "let go and let G-d" tactic has worked wonders for me when I'm feeling strong but not so well when I am feeling weak. I need to try to limit my exposure to such situations but dont know if this is even possible.
Last Edit: 03 Nov 2009 22:01 by kar.

Re: 90 days??(gulp) What's the big deal? 03 Nov 2009 22:10 #26810

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Those are the situations where you need to really practice "let go and let G-d"... It's not just words. You have to be ready to die to your addiction. You have to be ready to surrender it to G-d, even if you feel you will die. And you won't, I promise.

It's not easy being an addict. Even a situational one.

Read up on the handbooks, the SA Whitebook and get on Duvid Chaim's calls... You'll learn the tricks of the trade and the medicine that works for our disease...

You have a powerful soul, a fighter. You have the POWER WITHIN YOU TO let Hashem do the fighting for you  LOL
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: by RiddingthatKlipah.

Re: 90 days??(gulp) What's the big deal? 03 Nov 2009 22:38 #26815

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Hey, sorry to get in this one so late. I was reading the first page concerning thoughts consuming one's mind, and i remembered a mashgiach's advice for me when I asked a question similar to this.

Rather than trying to force stopping these bad thoughts and force a change of mind. Simply drift from those thoughts to the fondest memories you have of your life. Replay these internal youtube videos in you head rather than lustful thoughts. Trying to force an immediate hault can sometimes be impossible (at least for me). But when you try to simply shift momentum, having these happy thoughts ready to fire at any given moment, then you will be ready to fight!! ;D

In addition, at least this is how it was explained to me ( by my mashgiach who I consider a tremendous halachic source) that the first thought that comes to your mind is not an avera. The avera comes only by continuing to think this thought.

Having these happy thoughts ready, I find, tremendously reduces the amounts of bad thoughts that go through your mind. Once you get into the pattern (although hard at first) of recalling these memories, most bad thoughts don't stand a chance.

My happy moment I ussually use is a memory of my roshei yeshiva all together singing one of my favorite niggunim for like 20 minutes. Tremendously high. You may have some other uplifting experience that was so filled with joy, you knew it would stay with you forever.

Much hatzlacha in this approach,
           watching you soar,
   Aaron
"Master of the World, Tate Zise Helige Tate......."

Changing the world one person, one smile at a time -- starting with me ;D

www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=2590.0
Last Edit: 03 Nov 2009 22:40 by Finally3.

Re: 90 days??(gulp) What's the big deal? 03 Nov 2009 23:28 #26827

  • Luria
aaron wrote on 03 Nov 2009 22:38:


Rather than trying to force stopping these bad thoughts and force a change of mind. Simply drift from those thoughts to the fondest memories you have of your life. Replay these internal youtube videos in you head rather than lustful thoughts. Trying to force an immediate hault can sometimes be impossible (at least for me). But when you try to simply shift momentum, having these happy thoughts ready to fire at any given moment, then you will be ready to fight!! ;D



Aaron that sounds like a neat idea. Im gonna give it a shot next time these thoughts come up.

Im in middle of reading the White Book that Reb Guard sent as a link in the Chizuk email. It might be available on the forum/website also. It is one of the most incredible things I have ever read. Every bit of it I read I keep getting the chills.

I'm reading about this man describing his descent into the world of lust and I realized - The only reason I haven't crossed the line from p*** and the imaginary world to actual s** with other women is that it feels to me an unacceptable line to cross and still consider myself a good Orthodox boy (I know - that's a bit rich coming from me - as if I am even that). But using that as my "barrier "could only hold up so long, though. It was getting weaker and weaker, especially this last little while. I practically fell in that area recently and that made me start to introspect and think. Reading this man's story and where he ended up makes me thank Hashem and his messengers ( the people on this forum) that I didn't.
Last Edit: 04 Nov 2009 19:13 by HBSCMYS.

Re: 90 days??(gulp) What's the big deal? 04 Nov 2009 19:28 #26902

  • Luria
I discovered last night that my shmiras einyaim ain't the best either :-[ . I realized I naturally go for that "second look" on the street as well, so I've started working on that. I actually snapped my head away from taking a second look so hard that it hurt my neck (ouch!!)

I have gone from thinking the people on this forum are a bunch of raving loonies to... well... counting myself as one of those loonies. Seriously, the chizuk and comraderie on this forum are great as are the links and especially the White Book ( read most of it last night - truly phenomenal).

I think I've been spending too much time here though (Total time logged in 1 day, 1 hour and 41 minutes)  and on the net in general - Im going to give it a shot on my own  for a week and see how it goes, as I'm feeling very strong right now - this is not just a shallow emotional feeling but more of a deep one. Still will be checking my email though - love those chizuk emails! I hope I'm really improving and this isn't just the y'h up to his old tricks.  If I am feeling weak I wiil be back and if anyone wants to be in touch luria.gye@gmail.com




Last Edit: 04 Nov 2009 20:57 by teddy.

Re: 90 days??(gulp) What's the big deal? 05 Nov 2009 12:54 #26985

  • 7yipol
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Good luck Luria.

Remember, we're here if you need us,

One of the flakiest loonies! :D
Hashem is addicted to you! Feel His hugs!"Sheva yipol tzaddik VKUM"
Last Edit: by Anonymoushelp.

Re: 90 days??(gulp) What's the big deal? 08 Nov 2009 23:38 #27332

  • Luria
So Im back earlier than expected. I had a great few days and was feeling weak today. I have K9 on my laptop but we have a home computer in a public area but noone was home and I fell badly :'( :-[ . I just convinced myself that I needed one quick peek and then I lost control.

I need to install K9 on my home computer - no more half measures. Can anyone do the password for me?  Preferably someone who is online a lot in case I honestly need it.  Please let me know ASAP. It seems whenver I fall once, a second one happens soon after -  Once I am down in the dirt I always end up exploring...

Also, I'm feeling sorta down - any ideas how to give myself a kick in the pants to get back up?  Day 0 is infinitely far from 90... :'(
Last Edit: by DannyAk.

Re: 90 days??(gulp) What's the big deal? 09 Nov 2009 08:50 #27343

  • 7yipol
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Ouch!

That hurts.
Im so sorry to hear about your fall Luria.
You are right; there are no half measures in this war. I cant help you with the password, but Guard may be able to when he comes online later.

Once youre down in the dirt and exploring the area...
...search until you find that little treasure Hashem hid there just for you...
...see it? There it is!
A tiny seed. Got it?
Now plant it, right there next to you.
Done?
Good. Now get up, coz you need to go find some water for it.
Keep a good eye on that spot Luria...
Because soon a little sprout will show its head, and then  a branch and trunk and leaves.
Before you know it, the world will be enjoying the fruits of that tree -

- and all because you used that fall in the dirt and turned it into something positive!

Go for it!
Hashem is addicted to you! Feel His hugs!"Sheva yipol tzaddik VKUM"
Last Edit: by Had.

Re: 90 days??(gulp) What's the big deal? 09 Nov 2009 10:54 #27347

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Hi Luria, we have a special "filter Gabai" now. You can reach him at filter.gye@gmail.com. He can save your password for you. Please follow the instructions on this page (see also the comments at the bottom).

Brilliant post by 7Up, as usual 

Sorry to hear about the fall... Sometimes we just have to fall though, to realize we're beat. You mentioned once that you're a fighter by nature   ... It's funny, because we've had a few guys who have expressed such sentiments on the forum in the past... Somehow, none of them did very well until they finally admitted that this addiction had them whipped. Once they reached that recognition of powerlessness, they were able to start building upon that foundation, a true connection to Hashem (by virtue of our "needing" Him to help us). Once we truly know that only He can help us and we ask for His help with humility and trust, He really does help!

As far as motivation goes, did you know that today was the FIRST DAY of the rest of your life??  ;D ... Don't look at 90 days. All we have is TODAY. We aren't aiming for 90 as a goal, but just as a step... The goal is getting closer to Hashem. And that we can do today just as much as at day 89!

Have you considered joining Duvid Chaim's phone group to learn the secrets to finding freedom from this?

Have you read the GYE handbooks?

Stick with us. We'll get through this TOGETHER.

P.S. After writing this to you, I read what INH wrote after his fall yesterday. See the last post on this page. Good stuff!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: 09 Nov 2009 11:06 by AlwaysTry.

Re: 90 days??(gulp) What's the big deal? 09 Nov 2009 16:06 #27373

  • Luria
7Up wrote on 09 Nov 2009 08:50:


Once youre down in the dirt and exploring the area...
...search until you find that little treasure Hashem hid there just for you...
...see it? There it is!

Before you know it, the world will be enjoying the fruits of that tree -

- and all because you used that fall in the dirt and turned it into something positive!

Go for it!


That post managed to turn my frown into a smile - turning a negative statement into something so positive. 7Up you are too awesome for words!


Reb Guard - thanks for the info on the filter gabai. I will be in touch with him i"h
guardureyes wrote on 09 Nov 2009 10:54:


Sorry to hear about the fall... Sometimes we just have to fall though, to realize we're beat. You mentioned once that you're a fighter by nature  ... It's funny, because we've had a few guys who have expressed such sentiments on the forum in the past... Somehow, none of them did very well until they finally admitted that this addiction had them whipped. Once they reached that recognition of powerlessness, they were able to start building upon that foundation, a true connection to Hashem (by virtue of our "needing" Him to help us). Once we truly know that only He can help us and we ask for His help with humility and trust, He really does help!



Thats not exactly accurate. I gave up fighting through just willpower when I realized that the moment that I became too weary to fight and had a moment of weakness I would give in to the y"h.

Letting go and letting G-d has worked amazingly for me since I started trying it - a few times I would have fallen if not for it.

Except I have a similar problem woth this method. Sometimes I just feel "not in the mood" to fight the y"h. I don't know why - it could be because of a lack of frumkeit on my part or just because I feel that I havent hit rock bottom yet. Regardless of the reason,  after the fact I realize what a mistake it was to give in to the y'h but that rarely helps me in the heat of the battle


I have read the handbooks and continue to do look at them periodically. I would really like to join Duvid Chaim's group but it is not realistic  because of the time.

And this might be my ego talking but I don't think my problems are serious enough for a real SA meeting. You agree?
Last Edit: by Ein Yiush.

Re: 90 days??(gulp) What's the big deal? 09 Nov 2009 21:48 #27437

  • rashkebehag
I didn't know about the filter gabbai, i gave Reb Guard my password a while ago. did you pass it on to the filter gabbai?
Last Edit: by dreamer2.

Re: 90 days??(gulp) What's the big deal? 09 Nov 2009 22:00 #27439

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Sometimes I just feel "not in the mood" to fight the y"h. I don't know why - it could be because of a lack of frumkeit on my part or just because I feel that I havent hit rock bottom yet.


Please see Chizuk e-mail #441 on this page (scroll down) for the concept of "Hitting Bottom While Still on Top"...

And maybe these stories can help in this regard...

www.guardyoureyes.org/?p=861

www.guardyoureyes.org/?p=176

www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Stories/HorStory1.asp


I didn't know about the filter gabbai, i gave Reb Guard my password a while ago. did you pass it on to the filter gabbai?


Yes, I forwarded all my old passwords to him... But it's not really even necessary to keep your password. If you need to make changes, you can ask for a temporary password which will come to me - or the filter Gabai - and it's good for 24 hours...
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: 09 Nov 2009 22:13 by Cho Chang.

Re: 90 days??(gulp) What's the big deal? 09 Nov 2009 22:07 #27441

  • rashkebehag
problem is that a temporary password last too long. I don't want to know it when no one is in the room. also the email address is given to an organisation that reads their messages the next day. too long for me if I need something. That org. refuses to givve out the pasword even for a second. They don't trust me when i tell them that there is someone with me and I don't blame them since they don't have the personal touch that your site has. i tried to have them change the email adress to yours and they didn't want to.
Last Edit: by RZ145.

Re: 90 days??(gulp) What's the big deal? 09 Nov 2009 22:15 #27444

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Which org is that?
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: by Rivkygee.
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