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A 20 year old Yehiva Bochur's struggle
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!
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TOPIC: A 20 year old Yehiva Bochur's struggle 2578 Views

A 20 year old Yehiva Bochur's struggle 18 Oct 2009 21:38 #24213

I am in Yeshiva and I'm 20 years old. I got started at looking at internet p*rn when I was in 4th grade. I constantly looked at it. Chasdei Hashem I only learnt about m*strbation in 10th grade. I became extremely addicted to it. In high school I did alot of terrible things I don't want to get into details because I'm afraid it will  give away the Yeshiva's location. For Beis Medrash I went to Israel and I really did a strong teshiva during elul but the day after Yom Kipur I went to a st*p club.I was poreitz geder and I thought if I could do this I could go even further.I went so far as having biyah with a zona. Woe is it to me. I hid everything from everybody and I was a phony people thought I was a good person but I was a fake. I messed up so badly and I feel so terrible about the life that I lead. Imagine what could have been if I didn't do all those terrible things.. Finally I decide to really do Teshuva and live the good life. I spoke to my Rebbi in Yeshiva and he coached me and encouraged me out of my Yiush. I stopped cold turkey and I thought I was the biggest Tzadik on the planet. I don't know what happened but shortly afterward I had whats called a panic attack. I was bugging out. I was depressed and scared and all these bad feelings. I spoke to my Rebbi and he recommended I see a social worker. That summer I went to Israel and again I'm not sure what happened but I had psychological issues and instead of hitting a low I hit a high and I thought Moshiach was coming. I was trying so hard in every area and I had a perfectionist attitude. I figured if I could stop this I could stop that. I started really trying hard in my avodas hashem. Staying up late to learn, skipping meals to learn etc.. Bkitzur my behavior became manic and I had to be taken to a psychiatrist to calm me down. I wonder now if all this was a result of the addiction. Either way I thought to myself the only way to be normal is to act out. I started back my old ways and the Yetzer Hara got me. Baruch Hashem I found GUE and I'm on the chart and this time I'm going through therapy at the same time. I wish everyone much hatzlocha please daven for me and I'll try to daven for you bli neder.
Last Edit: by user123456.

Re: A 20 year old Yehiva Bochur's struggle 18 Oct 2009 22:37 #24224

  • Cleareyes613
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Hatzlacha. I will be davening for you.
Last Edit: by Vayimaein.

Re: A 20 year old Yehiva Bochur's struggle 18 Oct 2009 23:55 #24231

  • aaron
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fellow yid. I too am 20 in yeshiva. i was in a'y for 2 years. i can feel your struggle i too have trying combating my problems with extreme avodas H'. in many ways, even the chumras i had taken on myself were helpful in building who i am today. I just posted my first forum tonight and I would love to help you in any way possible. I absolutely love you just for trying.
NEVER GIVE UP. We are am yisroel. your every stride closer to H' pierces the heavens.

know that you are never alone. I would love to daven for you (b'n). I have so much confidence in you. I look foward to possibly creating a strong friendship over this forum.

A great start. looking forward to hearing more from you soon.
ps. keep posting, i think it keeps you active and in the game - constantly cehkcing in on GYE and relatiing to your chevra for chizuk.

much hatzlacha,
      Aaron
"Master of the World, Tate Zise Helige Tate......."

Changing the world one person, one smile at a time -- starting with me ;D

www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=2590.0
Last Edit: by Tewilly93.

Re: A 20 year old Yehiva Bochur's struggle 19 Oct 2009 03:45 #24247

  • Gam Zu
Welcome to the most amazing site in the world! You should realize Hashem just stretched out his hand in order to help by introducing you to this site. We were all in your shoes at one point. There are those just starting the battle, those in the midst, and those who have moved on and excelled. There are those with extremely difficult nisyonos and some with not as difficult; but we're all on this site for a reason: to remove this evil habit from our lives and grow from the experience.

Take advantage of the tips of the more senior members and follow the emails. These are all real people fighting real battles; just like you. You're not alone anymore. WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!

-GZ
Last Edit: by Zulfiqar.

Re: A 20 year old Yehiva Bochur's struggle 19 Oct 2009 10:10 #24294

  • Sturggle
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Coming2purify,

WELCOME!!

Sounds like a lot had been going on for you.
Shkoyach for posting here.
B'hatzlacha raba.
Last Edit: by bsadik.

Re: A 20 year old Yehiva Bochur's struggle 19 Oct 2009 10:25 #24298

  • 7yipol
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Coming2purify,

Welcome to the family!

For thats what we are here; a family, with all its kookiness, craziness, caring and unconditional love.
Once youre here, you are no longer ever alone.
Keep posting, it is the thing that helps the most!
Hashem is addicted to you! Feel His hugs!"Sheva yipol tzaddik VKUM"
Last Edit: by Joe88.

Re: A 20 year old Yehiva Bochur's struggle 19 Oct 2009 11:38 #24302

  • G38
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As you are 20 years old I think that you where not punishable from heaven till now, so you made your u-turn in time.

I strongly believe that you will be an asset to our family here, being able to testify that there is nothing on the other side.

Keep it up and you will win!!
Last Edit: by Freedom102.

Re: A 20 year old Yehiva Bochur's struggle 19 Oct 2009 12:41 #24308

  • Noorah BAmram
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Warmest welcome to a hero warrior,

My heart goes out to you dearest friend in you battle.

I once heard one of the greatest tzadikim of our generation say "we are all tinok shenishba's" meaning that to a certain extent the alien, gentile influences and temptations  of immorality,  have broken thru our "ghetto wall" and captured and ensnared us all.



Chazak Chazak V'nischazeik!!

With tremendous love, prayers and respect for your courage

Noorah
[b]כי שבע יפול צדיק וקם[/b] 
A Tzadik is he who continues to  bounce back after he hits bottom, even a hundred times !!!!!Rav Don Segal Shlita
Last Edit: by myk5780.

Re: A 20 year old Yehiva Bochur's struggle 19 Oct 2009 12:43 #24310

  • the.guard
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Dear coming2purify,

Welcome to our community! Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up, up, up!

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here...

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week... This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps - which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc... So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Make sure to read them, they contain a wealth of information on beating this addiction! And I'd love to hear your feedback on them...

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not...

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

May Hashem be with you!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: by edn.

Re: A 20 year old Yehiva Bochur's struggle 20 Oct 2009 23:25 #24720

thanks everyone for there support. it means alot to me to be part of this amazing group. im doing the 90 day chart and baruch hashem im on 23 Days.  i'll try to post to the forum as much as i  can but im in yeshiva and i try to stay away from the internet. thanks again and I read everything everyone wrote.
Last Edit: by Heikigejoe.

Re: A 20 year old Yehiva Bochur's struggle 21 Oct 2009 12:24 #24775

  • the.guard
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Staying away from the internet is the best cure!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: by beni.

Re: A 20 year old Yehiva Bochur's struggle 21 Dec 2009 19:58 #36493

  • Sturggle
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Guard, looks like someone listens to your advice...
C2P, where'd ya go?
Last Edit: by .

Re: A 20 year old Yehiva Bochur's struggle 21 Dec 2009 20:05 #36497

  • Eye.nonymous
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Yeah, C2P where'd you go?

Hope you are doing well.

  --Eye.
Last Edit: by .

Re: A 20 year old Yehiva Bochur's struggle 21 Dec 2009 22:11 #36547

  • Kollel Guy
Hey C2P, your not alone! I was in a very similar situation when I was in my yeshivah days, I also had p**n exposure very early, I also crashed a little after getting serious. And I'm married, in kollel, doing great, and I look forward to every day of my life. It is possible, it is doable, you can fix everything up, and you can be the good erlicher yid that you really are, you just need to jump in and ride along!
All I can say is "Welcome home!" There was never a place like this where hatzalas nefashos happens every day, and to anyone who's willing to accept himself for who he is. The path is there, and it's well traveled. All you need to take along for the journey, is trust in H-shem, and some of what bards calls 'KOT,NMW' - KEEP ON TRUCKING NO MATTER WHAT!!! And you will eventually get there.
And hey, you gotta keep us posted here, no leaving your friends here hanging
Last Edit: by .

Re: A 20 year old Yehiva Bochur's struggle 27 Dec 2009 08:35 #38253

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YOU ARE SOMEBODY SPECIAL!!!
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