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On the way to 90 (and Beyond)
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: On the way to 90 (and Beyond) 19166 Views

Re: On the way to 90 (and Beyond) 02 Sep 2009 09:12 #15326

  • the.guard
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Ben, there's nothing like a time of test to get you to connect with GYE again  ;D ... and of-course with your Father in Heaven. You NEED Him now more than ever, and the more we need Him, the more connected we are with Him! So this time of test is really a blessing in disguise. Just make sure to open the gift-wrap!  :D

With all our love and prayers for a safe trip, in all respects!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: by Msrx6dzc.

Re: On the way to 90 (and Beyond) 02 Sep 2009 14:18 #15357

  • Binyomin5766
Shmilu wrote on 02 Sep 2009 02:26:

Heiligeh Ben,
I'm only a newbie here, so you probably don't know me. I started reading your thread before and am simply amazed at your fortitude and resolve. I'm longing for the day where I'll look back and satisfactorily say, "Wow, 8 1/2 months clean!" You really are an inspiration to me in my quest to conquer the Y"H.

Only thing I can tell you about this business trip, and when a temptation hits you, is tell yourself, "Am I really willing to do this? Am I really willing to practically flush 8+ months of relentless fighting down the drain? And will I feel good afterwards?"

I have faith in you.
All the best.

Shmilu
(formerly known as SoDifficult)


Shmilu,
Thank you for your chizuk.  You're right, I don't know you (yet), but I can see already that you are a great addition to this wonderful board.  The question you tell me to ask myself is always a good one.  And the longer I am clean the stronger the question becomes.  Being reminded to ask myself that question is important, as well.  I'm sure you've already experienced how important in this journey it is to review what we have learned from fighting the Yetzer.  The Yetzer is very good at clouding our thoughts...

Be well.
Last Edit: by Jamesy001.

Re: On the way to 90 (and Beyond) 02 Sep 2009 20:50 #15464

  • Hoping
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Ben-

I must say that you have taken a very important step by preempting the problem and connecting here. I was in NYC recently and the place is an absolute assault on the senses. It is almost impossible for me to function there normally, so I know how you feel.

When I was away from my wifefor an extended period of time, the loneliness got to me. I found that what helped me was to face my feeling of loneliness as soon as I felt it and not wait until I had a full-blown desire to act out. Once I understood that it was just loneliness, I was able to let the feeling pass without it getting out of control. I don't know if this works for others, I'm just sharing myexperience. Wishing you lots of luck and hoping to hear from you.
Last Edit: by Sammy1.

Re: On the way to 90 (and Beyond) 06 Sep 2009 18:59 #16119

  • Binyomin5766
Well,  I missed the mark of posting every day of this business trip I'm on.  I am still, B"H, holding clean.  I do think I owe a bit of an explanation, though.  Thursday morning I woke up with a toothache.  It was one of those where you know this is bad news, and here in the US, we had a three day weekend approaching.  I spent all day Thursday very uncomfortable, but (foolishly) hoping the toothache would just go away.  By the time Friday morning dawned, I knew I had to see a dentist.

Now I just assumed from past experience that I would get an antibiotic and would have to suffer through until it kicked in.  B"H, I found a Jewish dentist, a real mentsch.  He took an xray, and gave me the bad news.  I had two teeth right next to one another that were beyond help.  He said it would be best if they came out, but he gave me the option to just get an antibiotic and wait or to do it right then.  I decided to do it right then.  As it turned out, this was a good thing, because once he pulled the one tooth, the dentist realized that it was much worse than he could tell from the xray.  Antibiotics might not have made a bit of difference.

So here it was, about 1 pm, Erev Shabbos, and I had just had two teeth pulled.  I make my way to the pharmacy to buy ibuprofen (which I was to take in very high dosage).  Much to my chagrin, though, the pain killer the dentist used started to wear off before I even got to the pharmacy.  By the time I got back to the company housing I was in complete agony.  There is something medical people call referred pain.  My understanding of this idea is that severe pain will "reproduce" itself in surrounding locations.  Nothing is actually wrong in those places, but it feels like something is.  At any rate, I am in a near panic at this point just trying to open the childproof bottle and remove the cotton wad.  That was almost too difficult for me, but eventually I got the tablets out.  Unfortunately, it takes quite a while for pain meds to take effect, and I already was deep into pain.  It felt like I had multiple toothaches, a sinus infection, an ear infection, a jaw muscle cramp, and a tension headache all at once.  I wish I could report what great strength I had in face of this pain, but I can't.  For nearly two hours, I was a quivering heap.  After two hours the pain killer finally took enough effect and the trauma of the extractions subsided enough that I was able to doze off for a while.  After napping for an hour or so, I was in good enough shape to prepare to go to my Shabbos hosts' home.  I wasn't great company on Friday night, but I made it through services and the meal (being selective about what I ate).  B"H, I woke up Shabbos morning feeling reasonably well.  I was able to daven normally, and was almost my normal talkative self at the Shabbos table for lunch.

I'm not sure of the reasons behind all this.  I can only hope that the suffering will count as a kappara for things I have done, especially considering the time of year.  I just hope to Hashem that I never have to experience anything like that again!  Needless to say, for much of this time there was NO struggle whatsoever with any kind of improper thoughts.  Things are pretty much back to normal now.  My mouth is a little sore and swollen, but that is small potatoes.  At any rate, I thought I owed an explanation for my lack of posting for the last few days.
Last Edit: by mu.

Re: On the way to 90 (and Beyond) 06 Sep 2009 19:35 #16130

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I'm not sure of the reasons behind all this.... Needless to say, for much of this time there was NO struggle whatsoever with any kind of improper thoughts.


Hmmmm.... I wonder.

Anyway, thanks for keeping us up to date. We were all "quivering heaps" waiting for you to post  :D

Just kidding, not THAT bad, but worried nonetheless. Glad you're back to normal (almost) now!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: by afeelingheart.

Re: On the way to 90 (and Beyond) 06 Sep 2009 19:46 #16136

  • habib613
hey ben-
i remember you from way back, but that was when i was a little shy to post on other people's threads.
so now i want to tell you how incredibly powerful you are.
your story is mechazek me tremendously.
and i hope your tooth/jaw/ear/throat/sinuses/etc. all feel much better real soon.
thanks for everything!
habib
Last Edit: by Mike2017.

Re: On the way to 90 (and Beyond) 06 Sep 2009 20:04 #16143

  • Binyomin5766
Thank you Habib; the vast majority of those things were side effects from the tooth and had pretty much dissipated by the time candle lighting rolled around on Friday (a BIG Baruch Hashem on that!)  Powerful?  I feel pretty weak most of the time; maybe that keeps me honest....

Rabbeinu Guard, your "Hmmmm.... I wonder." makes me wonder.  What's going through your mind on that?  I have many struggles in my life (as most people do), so I don't know.  If Hashem gave me an indication of what this was all about, I missed it. It's not surprising that I would, I can be pretty blind whether I want to be or not.  And yes that last statement is intended in multiple ways.....
Last Edit: by Gronkowski .

Re: On the way to 90 (and Beyond) 06 Sep 2009 20:35 #16155

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Rabbeinu Guard, your "Hmmmm.... I wonder." makes me wonder.  What's going through your mind on that?


You wrote:

I'm not sure of the reasons behind all this.... Needless to say, for much of this time there was NO struggle whatsoever with any kind of improper thoughts.


So I was just wondering if perhaps the reason behind all this could be to protect you from any kind of improper thoughts. Ouch. 
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
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Re: On the way to 90 (and Beyond) 07 Sep 2009 01:52 #16199

  • Binyomin5766
I just watched a rather remarkable video on Tzvi Fishman's website.  I don't know enough to comment on what was said in this video, but this much I can say.  If I have seen or heard anything that is a stronger motivation toward teshuva (out of yiras Hashem), I don't know what it is.  If you are going to watch, have lots of time available; it is just over an hour long.
Last Edit: by Sod.

Re: On the way to 90 (and Beyond) 09 Sep 2009 01:07 #16766

  • Binyomin5766
Checking in after another day of being away from home.  B"H, all is well in the battle.  My yetzer hara has been pretty low key for the last couple of days; I have had very little in the way of struggle.  At the same time, I have also had little to no exposure to TV, advertisements, etc. and little interaction with women (apart from the grocery store cashier).  There is a definite relationship between exposure to impure sights and struggle with attacks from the Y"H, I know, but it is interesting to see it in action.  Also helping is the fact that I am very busy with work, and what I am doing is challenging both in scope and difficulty.

Last night and tonight, I had pretty good learning sessions with Rabbi Artscroll and Rashi.
Last Edit: by nobettyr.

Re: On the way to 90 (and Beyond) 09 Sep 2009 07:12 #16801

  • Sturggle
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Ben, thanks for checking in.

Great to hear that things are going well. Remember on day at a time...

I'm happy for you that you're seeing the connections between your actions and your battles. When I am in touch with this it is easier to keep thing in perspective.

Keep up the learning and the good work!

Rock on Ben!
Last Edit: by netanel raden.

Re: On the way to 90 (and Beyond) 17 Sep 2009 15:32 #18735

  • Binyomin5766
Life is crazy on the road: 12 hour days 5 and a half days a week.  I'm exhausted.  The upside is that even when my Y"H wants to test me, my body says forget it!

I just realized, though, that Monday was nine months of being clean!  Wow, the time is flying and that is a good thing.  A good, healthy, prosperous, and clean Yahr to all!
Last Edit: by Yobr1234.

Re: On the way to 90 (and Beyond) 17 Sep 2009 18:36 #18777

  • battleworn
Ben, you're the BEST! K'siva vachasima tova! Hashem should give you a SUPER year!
Last Edit: by hfhdfhdfnfnfhn.

Re: On the way to 90 (and Beyond) 18 Sep 2009 08:14 #18898

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A big Mazal Tov on 9 months, Ben Hatzadik!


I just watched a rather remarkable video on Tzvi Fishman's website.


Is this the one, BTW? www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Tips/SealofTruth.asp
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: by Live life.

Re: On the way to 90 (and Beyond) 18 Sep 2009 11:32 #18931

  • Tomim2B
guardureyes wrote on 18 Sep 2009 08:14:

A big Mazal Tov on 9 months, Ben Hatzadik!


I just watched a rather remarkable video on Tzvi Fishman's website.


Is this the one, BTW? www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Tips/SealofTruth.asp


I'm nearing the end of the video and I'm pouring out sweat by the buckets. Hearing his story first hand, the way he describes his pain and shame with so much emotion, I'm completely shaken. Wow! I was not braced for that!

This video is not for the faint of heart! You've been warned!

2B
Last Edit: by Joshmo.
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