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MBJ's 90 day (and more) Journey
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: MBJ's 90 day (and more) Journey 122448 Views

Re: MBJ's 90 day (and more) Journey 09 Oct 2017 07:51 #320964

  • MBJ
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I have not been very successful these last few weeks. 
I finally figured out why I can't stay stopped. This is very hard to understand to please follow closely. The reason is that I don't want to stop. I know its very complicated.

Now the real question is why don't I want to stop? I can't imagine it is for the pleasure, the pleasure is just so so. The escape is fun, and that might be a factor. The real reason I think is resentment. I started on the forum 5 years ago. I was a broken Yid, RBSO why can't I stop. I need your help. Along the way I learned that my actions where toxic to my marriage. That all problems in my marriage where my fault. Then I read how people would stop pressuring wives for sex and help out more and they had these magical turnarounds. Suddenly their wives we're more loving and kinder. And of course more interested. So I said I can do that too. I started helping even more, being more patient, never asking for sex. While my marriage had less negative interactions, there weren't more positive ones. I said ok it may take time, I have a lot of ground to cover. I waited a year, 2 years, 3 years. Nothing. I am tired of waiting. I want those promises, I want those blessings. I want a loving wife. So I am angry and hurt and tired, oh so tired, and lonely and sad. So I act out, as revenge against her, against Hashem, and to escape for a few minutes to the images women who do hug and do kiss, and more.

I could go on and I will, but later.
My Story
Only when we make our real lives sweeter than our fantasies will we reap the emotional rewards, the happiness of recovery. - AlexEliezer
Focus on making the right choices as they come up. - Skeptical
When I start to literally accept G-d's Will as guiding my life today, things start to change. - Dov

Re: MBJ's 90 day (and more) Journey 09 Oct 2017 12:57 #320966

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I understand and feel for you.

I am still waitin' to find love....in the bedroom and out.

Have there been better times in the past few years than beforehand? Yes.

Have I been (now) more comfortable in my head (than in the active lustin' days)? Yes.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: MBJ's 90 day (and more) Journey 11 Oct 2017 21:45 #321032

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MBJ,

I am new here. You have been around for years. I wanted to pop by and say hello. I have read quite a few pages of your long and hearty journey. I am far from finished, butt what I did read was extremely inspiring. Many of your posts brought me to tears, and encouraged me to do my share in giving for my wife. It is so sad to hear that you have not made any progress. I really feel for you (although my sympathy cannot be cashed in the bank..). It must be difficult to rejoin a group that it's members have changed drastically. Probably most of your old penpal's around here are gone. But still, your journey have given me great chizuk. Please, keep on posting. Maybe also give a brief summary of the past five years for those who can't read through 38 pages of posts.

I look forward to hear from you! And may Hashem be on your side all the time!
Yitzchok

Re: MBJ's 90 day (and more) Journey 15 Oct 2017 13:32 #321070

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Such raw honest pain. So understanadable. But you still want to stop. Have you tried speaking with someone about the attempt you made and the dismal results?
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: MBJ's 90 day (and more) Journey 22 Oct 2017 03:20 #321398

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cordnoy wrote on 09 Oct 2017 12:57:
I understand and feel for you.

I am still waitin' to find love....in the bedroom and out.

Have there been better times in the past few years than beforehand? Yes.

Have I been (now) more comfortable in my head (than in the active lustin' days)? Yes.

Wise words, A winners attitude. Finding success in any area of life and in so doing drawing inspiration.  
Thanks for the post.

Re: MBJ's 90 day (and more) Journey 30 Jul 2018 13:09 #334086

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Been a real long time. Not a good time either in the department that this site deals with. I was masturbating at least 2 to 3 times per week. I guess I had enough already and spoke to Hashem again. It's been a while. I was able to finally get a bit of traction and have now been free of porn and masturbation for a month. Woohoo. It feels nice for a change.

I realized that I never really surrendered my lust, I simply loaned it away for a while, fully expecting to get it back at some point, in a "kosher" way of course. Well the kosher way didn't come to I took out back the not kosher way.

I was feeling angry and frustrated at my wife so I decided to say some thank you's to Hashem. I thanked Him for my kids, my job, my house etc. I could not say thank you for my wife. Then I got angry again, and also confused since my wife is from Hashem and therefore worthy of saying thank you for her. This happened for two or three days. Then on the following day I said all the thank you's and then I said thank you for a wife that allows us to work together to raise such amazing children, and they truly are. This was the begging of a crack in my resistence.

Still I have been pulling away from her recently, tired of getting smacked down and rejected. I realize now that has been a mistake. It goes back to a lesson that I had learned a while ago but forgot. It is my job to make her happy, not necessarily the other way around. Still it's lonely.

I know, go get help. I don't need that comment, I already know it. I am posting for me. To get my thoughts out of my head to sort them out. It's just how my brain works.
My Story
Only when we make our real lives sweeter than our fantasies will we reap the emotional rewards, the happiness of recovery. - AlexEliezer
Focus on making the right choices as they come up. - Skeptical
When I start to literally accept G-d's Will as guiding my life today, things start to change. - Dov

Re: MBJ's 90 day (and more) Journey 30 Jul 2018 15:04 #334088

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Hi, Welcome back,

Don't drop put for another 3 years.
I don't have much to say to you. I will just suffice with a quote from yours truly.

MBJ wrote on 06 Sep 2017 20:01:
Thank you guys so much for digging that stuff out. I should read my own posts sometimes. I forget the lessons I learned in the past because I stopped living them.

Cordnoy, that was an amazing post by Dov that you posted. Thanks for bringing it here

I am glad to be back on this forum.
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: MBJ's 90 day (and more) Journey 30 Jul 2018 15:31 #334089

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You wrote: 
It goes back to a lesson that I had learned a while ago but forgot. It is my job to make her happy, not necessarily the other way around. Still it's lonely.​

Just a comment on that for you, based on our experience and the suggestions of some wise people in and out of Program:

It is never our job to make our spouses happy. We believe it is our task to do right by our spouses. To 1- be honest with and true to them, to 2- put them first in our lives ahead of our children and all other people, and to 2- be good to them.

Learning what's truly good for them and how to do those 2 other things often takes us some time. And the rest of our lifetime includes working to improve our performance.

But whether they are happy, is 100% their choice and not our task. And that's an important fact for us because when we cross that line of taking responsibility for someone else's feelings onto ourselves, things get confused and fake. Blame ensues both ways. It's just a dumb way to live, for us.

That's not to say that we don't care about how the other person feels! But there's a fine line of codependency here.
Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"

Re: MBJ's 90 day (and more) Journey 30 Jul 2018 16:22 #334091

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MBJ wrote on 30 Jul 2018 13:09:

Still I have been pulling away from her recently, tired of getting smacked down and rejected. I realize now that has been a mistake. It goes back to a lesson that I had learned a while ago but forgot. It is my job to make her happy, not necessarily the other way around. Still it's lonely.


Why do you think she's doing that? Is she angry and being vindicative? Do you turn her off because you are old or overweight but she doesn't want to hurt your feelings? Does she not love you but thought you would be someone to lean on? Does it bother her that you need it so badly because if she doesn't give it to you that implies that she's a horrible person?

Re: MBJ's 90 day (and more) Journey 30 Jul 2018 16:59 #334092

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mzl wrote on 30 Jul 2018 16:22:

MBJ wrote on 30 Jul 2018 13:09:

Still I have been pulling away from her recently, tired of getting smacked down and rejected. I realize now that has been a mistake. It goes back to a lesson that I had learned a while ago but forgot. It is my job to make her happy, not necessarily the other way around. Still it's lonely.



Why do you think she's doing that? Is she angry and being vindicative? Do you turn her off because you are old or overweight but she doesn't want to hurt your feelings? Does she not love you but thought you would be someone to lean on? Does it bother her that you need it so badly because if she doesn't give it to you that implies that she's a horrible person?

Mzl, have you read his thread?
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: MBJ's 90 day (and more) Journey 30 Jul 2018 17:03 #334093

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No.

But since he says it hurts when she rejects him that tells me that her rejecting him doesn't make sense to him.

It should be okay to ask questions ...

Re: MBJ's 90 day (and more) Journey 30 Jul 2018 17:28 #334095

  • cordnoy
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mzl wrote on 30 Jul 2018 17:03:
No.

But since he says it hurts when she rejects him that tells me that her rejecting him doesn't make sense to him.

It should be okay to ask questions ...

II don't agree.

People strugglin' here and in recovery are extremely sensitive. Maybe he minds, maybe not, but if you wanna help at all, please have the decency to read some of their previous posts before tryin' to help.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: MBJ's 90 day (and more) Journey 30 Jul 2018 19:07 #334099

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MBJ wrote on 30 Jul 2018 13:09:
Been a real long time. Not a good time either in the department that this site deals with. I was masturbating at least 2 to 3 times per week. I guess I had enough already and spoke to Hashem again. It's been a while. I was able to finally get a bit of traction and have now been free of porn and masturbation for a month. Woohoo. It feels nice for a change.

I realized that I never really surrendered my lust, I simply loaned it away for a while, fully expecting to get it back at some point, in a "kosher" way of course. Well the kosher way didn't come to I took out back the not kosher way.

I was feeling angry and frustrated at my wife so I decided to say some thank you's to Hashem. I thanked Him for my kids, my job, my house etc. I could not say thank you for my wife. Then I got angry again, and also confused since my wife is from Hashem and therefore worthy of saying thank you for her. This happened for two or three days. Then on the following day I said all the thank you's and then I said thank you for a wife that allows us to work together to raise such amazing children, and they truly are. This was the begging of a crack in my resistence.

Still I have been pulling away from her recently, tired of getting smacked down and rejected. I realize now that has been a mistake. It goes back to a lesson that I had learned a while ago but forgot. It is my job to make her happy, not necessarily the other way around. Still it's lonely.

I know, go get help. I don't need that comment, I already know it. I am posting for me. To get my thoughts out of my head to sort them out. It's just how my brain works.

Good for you for posting again. Post to your hearts content if that helps you. Hashem should give you the siyata dishmaya and clarity you need. Behatzlacha

Re: MBJ's 90 day (and more) Journey 30 Jul 2018 19:26 #334100

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cordnoy wrote on 30 Jul 2018 17:28:

mzl wrote on 30 Jul 2018 17:03:
No.

But since he says it hurts when she rejects him that tells me that her rejecting him doesn't make sense to him.

It should be okay to ask questions ...

II don't agree.

People strugglin' here and in recovery are extremely sensitive. Maybe he minds, maybe not, but if you wanna help at all, please have the decency to read some of their previous posts before tryin' to help.

Cordnoy, I think you just told me that I was indecent out of carelessness and I for one think you are dead wrong.

This does not improve the impression you have made on me so far.

Re: MBJ's 90 day (and more) Journey 30 Jul 2018 20:05 #334101

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mzl, you wrote:
"since he says it hurts when she rejects him that tells me that her rejecting him doesn't make sense to him"

Then Cordnoy wrote that before writing comments based on judgements, the decwnt thing to do is to read the thread for context. 

You resonded that you think what he wrote is dead wrong and made a further judgement saying your impression of Cordnoy is not too good so far.

I'm suggesting a pattern here that may give you some insight into yourself. You suggested that the fact that MBJ didn't like his wife's behavior indicates that there's a problem of some kind (some of your suggestions included moral judgments about her possibly nepharious intentions).

And here, Cordnoy writes something you don't like and you have 2 responses that I think might be linked:

1- you posit that he's all wrong;
2- you express your poor opinion of him.

Have you considered the possibility that when you don't like what someone's doing, your response is that they are bad? In other words, maybe there is no coincodence here and the truth is that your feelings are quite possibly guiding your perceptions - though you are adept at dressing them up in 'analysis'?

This would explain a couple of other posts you've wrotten that got under somebody's skin. Look back please and think it over, if you like.

Patterns mean a lot. 

You have a lot to share and to teach us but when judgments are involved it just exposes the fact that emotions are behind it to a greater degree than we like to admit. In my own case, facing that first and admitting it openly helps me remain a a little more objective. It also helps me in other ways.

Good luck with that, chaver!
Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"
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