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TOPIC: My Diary 731 Views

My Diary 03 Nov 2020 13:06 #357040

  • Misgaber96
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Shalom,
I am making a public diary to BEH get myself to do it, I do find it difficult to make a diary and keep to it, so that is the plan.
Today was challenging B"H, I have taken up a new chavrusa in the mornings, will see how it goes, the goal is to keep myself doing what is good. trying to help in the house, respecting my parents, getting involved with uni and try help out as much as I can, this meathod has worked best for me so far in keeping the yetzer in check. It has more importantly given me the relationship I always wanted with Hashem and my parents. trying to daaven with Kavonah and Mussar were crucial points.

I can see that I find it incredibly dificult to take initiative, others tell me it is difficult too. once I start though it is not too bad. in fact it is pretty amazing actually how much comes out of those sessions when I take initiative. What a Bracha Hashem has given me to give me a geshmak when I take initiative, it is pure siyata dishmaya, as Reb Moshe said "the amount of siyata dishmaya you get is equivalent to the effort you put in"(the biography, "Reb Moshe"). B"H I have been putting in tremendous effort. I am excited to see what happens tomorrow, BEH.

ALL THE BEST TO MY FELLOW SOLDIERS!!

Re: My Diary 03 Nov 2020 15:20 #357050

Hey @Misgaber,

It looks like you'll be Misgaber big time, just keep on moving!

Re: My Diary 08 Nov 2020 05:57 #357168

  • Misgaber96
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Shalom all,
Baruch Hashem I have been doing really well, I have been pretty focused and keeping my guard up. This afternoon I went on my parents computer to buy a phone protector, (for Iphone w/o internet other than torah). I knew it wasn't the right thing before going on for the reason that I should have been learning at that time and therefore there was going to be not much siyata dishmaya in getting what I needed (3.5 hrs later I just ended up getting screen protectors BH when it could have taken 10 minutes to get a good phone case). 
The second reason why I knew it was wrong is that I told myself that I can't go on that computer under any circumstances, however important the reason was, as I know it will not help me anyways. This clearly rains true once again.

Third thing that I knew was that I would expose myself to images that I shouldn't be looking at. Low and behold "Tadaaa" images. 

What I found out was something interesting, I really tried to find this case, looking and looking and looking. just as I thought it was it, no, keep looking. All the while I knew I was probably not going to be successful in finding it because I was doing the wrong thing. My brain quickly turned to jelly and numb. I felt like I was a hunter looking for his meal, unsatisfied if you know what I mean. I finally chose the screen protectors (which I could have spent more hours looking for but I didn't thank Gd, I just clicked the 3rd option with siyata dishmaya). then I went on the you tube (elch) and looked at MMA. This is when I hit the deep end and I could have fallen, I looked at inapropriate content on YT and TG I closed the computer, this was because others were around. I then saw my mothers computer open and went on that, avaira gorreres aveira. 

I can see that I MUST do mitzvos with positive thinking, this is the thing that helps me the most. This is my life force. I cannot go on the computer under any circumstances (I really want to right now).

This is where the battle lies right now, in the next 5 minutes I need to do good. I feel need a rest, I will do a bit of torah and rest until my next chavrusa. that is a good plan. 
I did not fall BTW.

Baruch Hashem for GYE, all of the members are Soldiers and are amazing, Thank You Hashem for the Siyata Dishmaya and clarity, please give myself and others the same in the future. 

Re: My Diary 08 Nov 2020 12:48 #357174

  • Misgaber96
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Baruch Hashem, The Plan worked! simple but effective.
I now have an urge to look something just because of a post that I saw on this forum. It is clearly the incorrect thing to do, so, BEH I won't. (this is a post from a long time ago.) nu it will be good. 
I am meant to be exercising now, so that is what I am going to have to do. 
Thank all of you for being there.
Baruch Hashem for this community, and Baruch Hashem I have had Siyata Dishmaya in this area to get to 32 days clean. I pray that all of you will get Siyata Dishmaya to reach your goals.

Re: My Diary 23 Nov 2020 14:18 #357713

  • Misgaber96
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shalom chosheveh chevra,
I Baruch Hashem had a nisayon to try not to go on my parents devices which I unfortunately failed. I did not fall Baruch Hashem but I broke the rule that I must not go on my parents devices under any circumstance unless I have a mashgiach (or any unfiltered device). Baruch Hashem a day later Hashem has granted me the strength to move on, it was tough but BH I pulled through. Right now it is Uni holidays, so far this time has been the biggest challenge in the past. However, I feel like this time Hashem has granted me a busy life besides Uni which helps me keep from sin. I BEH will not break that rule again because I can't risk my precious life.

This is the most confident I have felt ever, Shaar Habitachon was one of the major keys to it (total trust in Hashem), it has given me serenity, Health, love, joy, life etc. Other things to be thankful of are the new relationships that I have been given, with people who I previously thought were wierd due to social pressure and lashon Hara. Baruch Hashem He has shown me the truth of this world with the lense of the Torah and He has shown me that these people are the ones I need to grow with and love. He has shown me not to care about what others think, feel speak about and to davka go against those who speak lashon hara and speak to the downtrodden. The downtrodden have the most light to give, even the tramplers have a beauty that is so precious and strong that will never change no matter how much they trample others wiith their evil, they are still beutiful at their core, they have just forgotten themselves at that moment. 
Baruh Hashem the world is getting more and more beutiful, the more I guard my eyes the more beutiful it gets, the more I see Hashem and truth How priveliged am I? Hashem has truely given me everything I could possibly want from this world and that is Himself!
Kol Hakavod to my fellow soldiers

Re: My Diary 23 Nov 2020 15:26 #357717

  • Grant400
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Misgaber96 wrote on 23 Nov 2020 14:18:
shalom chosheveh chevra,
I Baruch Hashem had a nisayon to try not to go on my parents devices which I unfortunately failed. I did not fall Baruch Hashem but I broke the rule that I must not go on my parents devices under any circumstance unless I have a mashgiach (or any unfiltered device). Baruch Hashem a day later Hashem has granted me the strength to move on, it was tough but BH I pulled through. Right now it is Uni holidays, so far this time has been the biggest challenge in the past. However, I feel like this time Hashem has granted me a busy life besides Uni which helps me keep from sin. I BEH will not break that rule again because I can't risk my precious life.

This is the most confident I have felt ever, Shaar Habitachon was one of the major keys to it (total trust in Hashem), it has given me serenity, Health, love, joy, life etc. Other things to be thankful of are the new relationships that I have been given, with people who I previously thought were wierd due to social pressure and lashon Hara. Baruch Hashem He has shown me the truth of this world with the lense of the Torah and He has shown me that these people are the ones I need to grow with and love. He has shown me not to care about what others think, feel speak about and to davka go against those who speak lashon hara and speak to the downtrodden. The downtrodden have the most light to give, even the tramplers have a beauty that is so precious and strong that will never change no matter how much they trample others wiith their evil, they are still beutiful at their core, they have just forgotten themselves at that moment. 
Baruh Hashem the world is getting more and more beutiful, the more I guard my eyes the more beutiful it gets, the more I see Hashem and truth How priveliged am I? Hashem has truely given me everything I could possibly want from this world and that is Himself!
Kol Hakavod to my fellow soldiers

Beautiful! Thank you for sharing that. Hatzlacha! 

Re: My Diary 23 Nov 2020 23:11 #357732

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Your attitude will get you places! 
Keep it up! 
The start of 'STARting' is 'star'. Just start and you're a star!!

'the cleaner I stay, the cleaner I stay' - AlexEliezer
העבר עיני מראות שוא, בדרכך חינו (תהלים קיט, לז)
PM me for my phone number

Re: My Diary 21 Dec 2020 03:09 #359235

  • YeshivaGuy
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How have you been dear friend?
Please come back, we are all one family!

Re: My Diary 21 Dec 2020 05:18 #359247

  • Misgaber96
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Shalom Chevra!
I am Baruch Hashem here, I was doing very well Baruch Hashem at 73/4 days clean. Unfortunately I fell yesterday, it was different to previous times in the sense that I knew that I would not be beating myself up afterwards. Baruch Hashem, I did not.

I will start at the trigger point which I believe led to being nichshal, I went on camp with a few choshiveh yidden, the best bochrim who I could have chosen (which I didn't). The issue was not the chevra, it was the environment, unfortunately there were pritzos around and I had things going on in my head which I tried to refocus, but it is too much when it is all around you at all times. It works theoretically to just learn torah the whole time when I am sitting idle, but it is too much of a challenge when I have chosen to be in such a situation, it can have siyata dishmaya when one has done what they can to find a kosher place, this was not well sort out. 

The future plan would be to go with chevra and camp in a place where no soul can be found. This would be Ideal. 

Next, I went to a bike shop in an inappropriate part of town which was closer to home than the other store. My svara was that I must go to this one which will give me more time doing good things, also the team at the store were a pleasure to deal with and really were amazing at doing things with bikes. I don't have to say that it was a mistake, opened me up to wild ideas, and looking for the wrong thing. This I believe lead me on to going home and looking up stuff on an app that I should have deleted a few months ago due to suspicion of inapropriate content. I deleted it immediatlely afer me being nichshal. 

One thing that I noticed is I started looking up stuff and I believe fully in my mind that I will not be nichshal, it is only at the last second that I realise wow I don't want to be and then I, out of a frenzy of thought, push myself to be nichshal, incredible stuff. 

I believe that the pain after being nichshal is the perfect kaporah for the sin, the nisayon of not sinning again is greater than before and I believe that this is a chesed from Hashem to give us this incredible nisayon as a kaporah for all previous falls. We say that the kaporah for kareis is nisyonos. So there is no point in giving myself more pain than G-d has already given me. It is kefirah to say, "well G-d isn't going to punish me so I must punish myself." In the 13 principals of faith it says that we must believe in reward and punishment, G-d is the punisher not me, when my friend does something wrong (even against me) should I go and punish him? no, that is unhealthy on all levels. G-d knows exactly what is good for him, my job is to love him and care for him. Why must it be any different for myself? I must trust in G-d that He will give the perfect punishment to me and I must try live life with as much service of G-d possible.

I have just started diarying yesterday privately for the first time and I want to continue it, with the help of Hashem. 

I know that the only power I have is what Hashem gave me to use, and He has given me the koach to follow the torah, He has given me the stength now just as before. He will continue to give me strength to follow what I am chyav in until the day I go to the next world.

Re: My Diary 12 Jan 2021 06:21 #361126

  • YeshivaGuy
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Nu?? Buddy how u doin? Ur keepin us hangin!
Last Edit: 12 Jan 2021 06:21 by YeshivaGuy.

Re: My Diary 23 Nov 2022 01:07 #388122

  • Misgaber96
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Shalom Aleichem Chevrah, 
As I said on someone elses post, I am inspired to start sharing what I am working on and posting what works and what doesn't. It will be a good exercise for me and may benefit people who are in the struggle as well so I have nothing to loose besides anonymity, i.e. the seclusion of my avodah. 

Yesterday I tried something new, consequences. This was due to the suggestion of someone sober for 24 years. The consequence that he suggested was picking up rubbish if I broke a barrier. I.E. If I go on the TV. But I took this to the extreme, If I looked up on the street I would fine myself 50-100 steps of walking on the street, looking down and counting the steps. This was quite a challenge as the number quickly grew to 2000 steps which I did and then another 2000 steps later in the day, I fulfilled the first one but the second I have only done 300 steps of. HECTIC.
I then spoke to my sponsor and he said that he doesn't believe in consequences. He asked me has loosing money ever stopped you? Has the consequence of challenge ever stopped you? My answer was no. What did stop me was a relationship with Hashem meaning praying for the person I was lusting for and If I broke a barrier I would have to tell my sponsor. I would read some SA literature every day and I would speak to someone every day admitting I am an addict, admitting that Hashem was the one helping me and not myself and telling them about about my struggles and victories with regards to Lust, Resentment and Fear. 

I did enjoy the feeling of being diciplined but I question how long it will last.

My sponsor then explained that the consequences of my actions have come through my step one. Realising how powerless I am and how unmanageable my life has become.
The consequences of me acting out have been in the past...
  1. Physically and emotionally hurting family members (Physical was limited but it happened)
  2. Staying up to times that I di
  3. Failing/Falling behind in Uni subject's
  4. Neglecting work responsibilities 
  5. Neglecting Friendships/making bad friendships including those of the opposite gender to feed my addiction
  6. Friendships with the opposite gender being for my benefit and not theirs
  7. Created major social anxiety for an extended period
  8. Caused depression through High school and a little beyond
  9. Caused My teachers to run after me and have to try pick up the pieces
  10. Caused my parents to run after me and pick up the pieces
  11. My Torah learning is very difficult and I struggle to hold a sugya, (doing better but could have been worlds above my level)
  12. Dragging my chavrusas through a sugya through exhaustion and thick headedness due to my acting out.
  13. Me being very disorganised and all over the place due to lack of taavah control


These he said I need to be mindful of, these are real, 2000 steps is also real, but not as meaningful.
Hashem has shown me a path and I see it more clearly now through writing.
I hope everyone who is struggling with this addiction will get true Siyata Dishmaya.

Re: My Diary 23 Nov 2022 01:12 #388123

  • Misgaber96
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Just to make this clear, I don't mean that speaking to my sponsor is connecting with Hashem, It may be the Hishtadlus Hashem wants me to do to remain sober, but connecting with Hashem as I understand it, is only through Daavening.
Last Edit: 23 Nov 2022 01:13 by Misgaber96.

Re: My Diary 23 Nov 2022 17:09 #388160

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Beautiful post! Thanks for sharing, keeps us honest to see the real consequences of our actions.

Re: My Diary 24 Nov 2022 09:57 #388193

  • Misgaber96
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Today I had an avodah of giving up my life to Hashem. It worked! surrendering all my taavos to the ribono shel Olam and asking Him what He wants me to do. I found that when I gave the reigns to Hashem Things were much better. Now I am tired and I found that my lust levels are a little up, not as easy to realise that I am powerless. A bit of a paradox, I know that I am powerless but when I am most powerless I can't realise it properly.
I hope everyone has a fantastic day.
Misgaber 

Re: My Diary 29 Nov 2022 04:23 #388477

  • Misgaber96
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Has been a good day so far, 
I have been trying neitz minyan and that has been up and down, but with recovery I have learned that I have to accept myself the good the bad and the ugly. So it is ok that I don't go everyday. Today I went so I was able to have a longer day so far. now it is 315pm and I am tired. Pretty normal if I am waking at 4.55 am it has been 10 hours since I woke, running on 5 hours and 20 mins of sleep. I have to accept reality.
At the same time I want to be happy with what I have, how can I do that if I can't think straight? maybe I have to be happy that I can't think straight? So that is what I am going to do. Thank you Hashem that I have a brain and that I can see that you want me to have a bit of a rest! But first! I need to do some work as I am obligated to do so! I am not incapacitated just a bit tired. that can be fixed later!
Although I must keep in mind that I can fall into yetzer hara traps if I am tired, I will daaven to be mindful.
Behatzlacha rabba all!
Misgaber
Last Edit: 29 Nov 2022 04:28 by Misgaber96.
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