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Introducing myself 29 Nov 2022 18:11 #388516

  • Dracohead
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Hello! 
I am dracohead. Its my second time using gye and so far has been very good. I am clean for 15 days now but things are starting to get difficult again. I have been reading the forum this days and it seems that everybody suffers from guilt from indulging in this behavior, the thing is that i feel my case is different… this past months i had almost no remorse from falling in this aveira, Not even a little bit, and that truly scared me a lot. Just the fact that i became so detached from the remorse i thought i would never be able to do teshuva. Right now the way i am approaching the program is in a disciplined matter with a mindset that “it is the right thing to do” and no feelings are involved.
my question is, is it bad to approach change this way? I am afraid that without the guilt i would have no motivation to resist if one day a big urge comes. And i really think that the disgust of the aveira or “hitting rock bottom” is a very important aspect in change. And this is something i lack at the moment. 
Aby feedback is appreciated
Thanks all 
dracohead

Re: Introducing myself 29 Nov 2022 18:36 #388521

  • Eerie
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Hi Dracohead! Read my post from a few minutes ago, in my thread It's all in the name". I know exactly what you mean. I can't write more now but feel free to reach out via pm and I can send you my email address. Or better yet, get in touch with my brand new Rebbe, HHM michelgelner@gmail.com he can save you like he saved me. He can help you in any way you need. Kol tuv and keep posting!

Re: Introducing myself 29 Nov 2022 19:28 #388530

  • Geshmak!
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Welcome ! You need help with motivation???
first of all what’s your matziv married with kids or single? Not that it makes a difference I’m just curious ( like I’m personally married with kids at that’s my biggest motivation to change,at times it my only thing holding me back) but even if not there’s a whole section in the f2f program which talks abt how to get motivated, check it out!
good luck and כל טוב!!
Guys the only way were really gonna get help is with H’s help so we gotta beg him for help and he sure will help us cause he wants us helped!!
CRY TO HIM!!
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/2-What-Works-for-Me/387630-Powerful!#387630

Don’t fall back even one step:https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/386598-Why-is-it-so-hard?limit=15&start
Feel free to pm me!

Re: Introducing myself 29 Nov 2022 19:38 #388535

  • jackthejew
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Dracohead wrote on 29 Nov 2022 18:11:
Hello! 
 this past months i had almost no remorse from falling in this aveira. Right now the way i am approaching the program is in a disciplined matter with a mindset that “it is the right thing to do” and no feelings are involved.
my question is, is it bad to approach change this way? I am afraid that without the guilt i would have no motivation to resist if one day a big urge comes. And i really think that the disgust of the aveira or “hitting rock bottom” is a very important aspect in change. And this is something i lack at the moment. 
Aby feedback is appreciated
Thanks all 
dracohead

If you look at the 12 steps, which Rabbi Dr. Twerski Z"L used to say can be used even for one who isn't an addict, you will find no mention of guilt. Rather it's about understanding the destruction a "Drug of Choice" wreaks upon all you hold dear and through that, being able to consider the impact giving in would have. In my recovery process so far,(I don't think I fit the SA addict description) much of the work has been understanding how the Ta'avoh plays itself out, recognizing it for what it is, and understanding the harm it causes in ALL my relationships. As HHM has said: The work is about rewiring your thinking when it comes to this Inyan. That, to the best of my knowledge,  does not involve the guilt from the past, but rather the realization of the cost of acting out on the future.
This is brought out well in Rabbeinu Yonah's Yesod Hat'shuvah: (Translated by dafyomireview.com)

On that day, he should cast all his sins which he did, and consider himself as if he was born today, and he has neither merit nor fault. And this day is the beginning of his actions. Today he should weigh his ways, in order that his steps not veer from the good path. And this way will bring him to return a complete teshuva (repentance). Because he will make himself as if he has cast from his shoulders the heaviness of the sins which he did. Therefore his thoughts will not haunt and confuse him to prevent him from repenting because he is embarrassed of his sins. For [his thoughts] will tell him:

"How could I be so brazen and repent, after I have sinned and transgressed, and I have done such and such, and doubled and tripled without end. How could I raise my face before Him like a thief which was caught, because I am embarassed to stand before Him. And also, how could I show myself in his courtyard (synagogue), how could I guard his laws?"

Don't think like this. Because the enticer (the evil inclination) sits like a fly in the chambers of the heart. He renews himself every day. He watches and waits to make him stumble, and he puts this evil advice in his heart (i.e. the destructive thoughts). Rather one should think: "because this is the mida (trait) of the Creator, yisbarach. His hand is outstretched to receive the penitent". Therefore it is good for him to cast off his sins and make for himself a new heart.

I welcome disscusion and disagreement with any of my viewpoints. Hatzlacha!
Feel free to reach out! jackthejewgye@gmail.com I'll do my best to try and listen! 
There are tips, tools, and techniques, but there are no shortcuts.
Hard work can grow us to any height.
Lack of work can sink us to any depth.
And you are worth the work because Hashem made you great and you still are.

Re: Introducing myself 29 Nov 2022 19:54 #388536

  • Eerie
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Sorry, draco, I was in a rush before. Way to go!!! Keep it up! I would venture to say you feel that way because like chazal say if we something again and again we become desensitized. It becomes like Heter. But as you will become stronger, and especially if you talk to someone like HHM and verbalize to  alive person the things you struggle with, and you think about becoming better, your heart will reawaken. But no, I don't think you need the emotion of regret to start. I knew I was doing the wrong thing but had no emotion in it. Just keep your chin up, buddy! We are all waiting to hear how you are doing so please let us know

Re: Introducing myself 29 Nov 2022 20:42 #388542

  • Dracohead
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Hi geshmak! 
Love your username. I am currently married with 3 small children, and for me as well my family is my biggest inspiration to go forward. I am currently doing the f2f program and that is the main reason lemaise that i am succeeding at the moment. 
Thank you geshmak for writing back and everybody else as well. Much appreciate this beautiful community of tzadikim 

Re: Introducing myself 29 Nov 2022 20:45 #388543

  • Dracohead
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Thanks eerie this post really means a lot. I read your story also and it gave me immense chizuk!
may i ask who is HHM?

Re: Introducing myself 29 Nov 2022 21:29 #388545

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He is one of the tzaddikei haDor! Don't forget you have to have some humor, too! His email is michelgelner@gmail.com reach out! His name I don't know, and if I would I wouldn't post it here. You can read his story here guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE I can just tell you that talking to someone who understands and can help you understand will change your life! It changed mine, I'm am literally not the same guy I was last Thursday morning, thanks to HHM and all the tzaddikim here. After you email him he'll give you a number to call. Just email him and he'll pick it up from there. He knows his beans and Hashem should truly help him! Thanks for the chizuk, dracohead. It's crazy, btw, having people read my story. I don't know where I found the courage to post it. Anyway, keep it UP! Always waiting to hear from you...

Re: Introducing myself 30 Nov 2022 01:42 #388557

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Eerie wrote on 29 Nov 2022 21:29:
He is one of the tzaddikei haDor! Don't forget you have to have some humor, too! His email is michelgelner@gmail.com reach out! His name I don't know, and if I would I wouldn't post it here. You can read his story here guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE I can just tell you that talking to someone who understands and can help you understand will change your life! It changed mine, I'm am literally not the same guy I was last Thursday morning, thanks to HHM and all the tzaddikim here. After you email him he'll give you a number to call. Just email him and he'll pick it up from there. He knows his beans and Hashem should truly help him! Thanks for the chizuk, dracohead. It's crazy, btw, having people read my story. I don't know where I found the courage to post it. Anyway, keep it UP! Always waiting to hear from you...

I didn't see your personal story yet if you posted it but yes I agree with Eerie, there's alot of potential speaking to someone, and especially to HHM, he has given me incredible eytzah to grow myself, and I am sure you can appreciate and take alot out from it. Hatzlacha to all the GYE community chevrah, keep up the great work with another day.week.month etc wherever you are up to!!
To my dear friend reading this:
You are an incredible yid for just being on this site, I am breath taken after each post or new person that comes on and shares a bit about himself, keep it up. You guys are mamash matzlichim in your own ways of growth and Hashem is proud of each one of you! (that includes me too) lol.

KEEP UP YOUR TREMENDOUS UPLIFTING IN THE AVODAH OF EMES!!

Thanks for reading! Stay shtark, I am also being challenged, just build your confidence, never quit no matter what, you are your strongest enemy and yet you are your strongest savior so you choose, I am not saying it's easy but am saying it's possible just takes effort and work!!
-from Emes-A-Yid

Re: Introducing myself 30 Nov 2022 14:57 #388587

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Dracohead wrote on 29 Nov 2022 20:42:
Hi geshmak! 
Love your username. I am currently married with 3 small children, and for me as well my family is my biggest inspiration to go forward. I am currently doing the f2f program and that is the main reason lemaise that i am succeeding at the moment. 
Thank you geshmak for writing back and everybody else as well. Much appreciate this beautiful community of tzadikim 

Your very welcome!
thx for saying thank you!
same here I have three kids kh and I’m only fighting my life for them if I would be single I don’t know we’re I would be now… shout out to all the buchrem here!! You guys deserve a real standing ovation, I bh didn’t know abt these stuff before I got married and I don’t know how you guys pull through you all inspire me!
but back to the married guys it’s not enough cause there are times that you feel the pull so strong that my yh tells me to let go and don’t care abt anything just go have fun who cares abt your wife and kids ( sounds funny typeing it… but I actually think that sometimes when in the mood of ****) so that’s why it’s so important to go through the f2f program it’s amazing! I’m happy your doing it… good luck!
Guys the only way were really gonna get help is with H’s help so we gotta beg him for help and he sure will help us cause he wants us helped!!
CRY TO HIM!!
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/2-What-Works-for-Me/387630-Powerful!#387630

Don’t fall back even one step:https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/386598-Why-is-it-so-hard?limit=15&start
Feel free to pm me!
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