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At a low point right now... 06 Nov 2022 22:26 #387308

  • yud909
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Hi All
I would like to share my story with he hope that it will keep me from falling yet again. 
I've struggled with pornography and masturbation for as long as I can remember. I naively thought it would end as soon as I got married, it obviously did not. I was in kollel for many years and had my ups and downs, some good months some terrible months. When I went out to work, things pretty much remained the same with ups and downs, mainly with pornography sites but occasionally phone lines as well. I'm sure this sounds cliché but I'm a "regular good guy", what many people call yeshivish. I live in a great community, have a shaychus with my Rav, good friends, chavrusas, loving wife and kids etc. I daven with minyan and learn daily with multiple chavrusas etc. 
A few years ago I worked out of town for a few days a week. My life has never been the same. I first visited a massage parlor, then had ladies come to my hotel room and the list goes on  but at the risk of being a trigger for myself and others I'll stop there. I no longer work out of town but unfortunately once I was exposed to that, I found out all too easily how everything that's available over there is available at home as well. 
Every Yom Kippur I do teshuva, real sincere Teshuva. I cry and beg Hashem for help to stop my addiction. Sometimes I make it past Sukkos other times I don't. But this Yom Kippur was different for me. I felt it was on a whole new level. I stumbled right before Rosh Hashana and I really felt this Yom Kippur with my kabolos and my resolve this would be the end. I made it through Sukkos and had an incredible Simchas Torah and thought maybe just maybe this time would be different.
Alas, it was not so and here I am. I've stumbled 3 times since Sukkos and while I'm not giving up, it is EXTREMELY DEPRESSING. Will this be my fate until the day I die (or get caught) ? A few good weeks and then a few weeks of depravity?
Today is Sunday, my last complete fall was on Thursday. Since then I went to the mikvah, had a beautiful Shabbos, davened, learnt etc, and today I was fighting the urges constantly and flirted with disaster but ultimately didn't succumb (probably would've if I didn't have  filters on computer and phone).
I'm not sure what writing all this will accomplish, but I'm at a loss and looking for any chizuk and advice. 
Would love to hear from anyone that has stumbled as low as I have and has been clean for long periods of time. 

Re: At a low point right now... 06 Nov 2022 23:12 #387310

  • frank.lee
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Yes, it is a low point, and with Hashem's help, it is going to get better from here. You came to the right place. Many people who were in a place very similar were able to get out. By coming here and writing out your story, you already are taking a big step. Living in reality.
Welcome!

Re: At a low point right now... 07 Nov 2022 00:35 #387329

  • Geshmak!
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Shulim alachem! Welcome to the family of yidden fighting the y.h. And winning him bhy!
you made the right choice coming on here and telling your story ull get help bhy with just hearing from others how they did it and successful got back to have %100 clean life’s… and by giving others chizuk ( I see you did already) will give you power to fight too. Wishing you much hatzluchah! Kol tov!
Guys the only way were really gonna get help is with H’s help so we gotta beg him for help and he sure will help us cause he wants us helped!!
CRY TO HIM!!
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/2-What-Works-for-Me/387630-Powerful!#387630

Don’t fall back even one step:https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/386598-Why-is-it-so-hard?limit=15&start
Feel free to pm me!

Re: At a low point right now... 07 Nov 2022 01:18 #387340

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Welcome. We are all here and here for you. Keep on sharing! Welcome aboard!
Be a part of my 90 day journey! -Destination -90 days, A Human beings journey. Every post and suggestion response and chizzuk is appreciated.



I love connecting, supporting and sharing. To private message me, my email is Hashemsboy@gmail.com Feel free to say hello and #Shareyourstory.#NOJUDGMENTZONE!

Re: At a low point right now... 07 Nov 2022 07:33 #387361

  • i-man
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Welcome .
You are not crazy there are many people who fit you’re profile that are on or have been here,many of whom have done things similar to what you describe , and many have found a path out , or at least a path to walk down.
Sharing your story is courageous and a good start , but it alone will not prevent future falls. Stick around people will recommend helpful resources , you will find others here who have been through similar situations and they will offer help , and iyH you will be able to make big changes .

Re: At a low point right now... 07 Nov 2022 13:26 #387367

  • excellence
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PLs PLs reach out to michelgelner@gmail.com. I promise you that you will not regret it.

Re: At a low point right now... 07 Nov 2022 19:18 #387386

  • DavidT
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yud909 wrote on 06 Nov 2022 22:26:
Hi All
I would like to share my story with he hope that it will keep me from falling yet again. 
I've struggled with pornography and masturbation for as long as I can remember. I naively thought it would end as soon as I got married, it obviously did not. I was in kollel for many years and had my ups and downs, some good months some terrible months. When I went out to work, things pretty much remained the same with ups and downs, mainly with pornography sites but occasionally phone lines as well. I'm sure this sounds cliché but I'm a "regular good guy", what many people call yeshivish. I live in a great community, have a shaychus with my Rav, good friends, chavrusas, loving wife and kids etc. I daven with minyan and learn daily with multiple chavrusas etc. 
A few years ago I worked out of town for a few days a week. My life has never been the same. I first visited a massage parlor, then had ladies come to my hotel room and the list goes on  but at the risk of being a trigger for myself and others I'll stop there. I no longer work out of town but unfortunately once I was exposed to that, I found out all too easily how everything that's available over there is available at home as well. 
Every Yom Kippur I do teshuva, real sincere Teshuva. I cry and beg Hashem for help to stop my addiction. Sometimes I make it past Sukkos other times I don't. But this Yom Kippur was different for me. I felt it was on a whole new level. I stumbled right before Rosh Hashana and I really felt this Yom Kippur with my kabolos and my resolve this would be the end. I made it through Sukkos and had an incredible Simchas Torah and thought maybe just maybe this time would be different.
Alas, it was not so and here I am. I've stumbled 3 times since Sukkos and while I'm not giving up, it is EXTREMELY DEPRESSING. Will this be my fate until the day I die (or get caught) ? A few good weeks and then a few weeks of depravity?
Today is Sunday, my last complete fall was on Thursday. Since then I went to the mikvah, had a beautiful Shabbos, davened, learnt etc, and today I was fighting the urges constantly and flirted with disaster but ultimately didn't succumb (probably would've if I didn't have  filters on computer and phone).
I'm not sure what writing all this will accomplish, but I'm at a loss and looking for any chizuk and advice. 
Would love to hear from anyone that has stumbled as low as I have and has been clean for long periods of time. 

Welcome!
The first thing you need to realize is that you are not alone.
Many people struggle with lust on some level, and a high percentage have stumbled in these areas as well.
Even Tzadikim of previous generations struggled in this area (as they mention “the sins of their youth”), so you can imagine that those who seek purity in a generation such as ours are truly from Hashem’s greatest warriors!

In the GYE community, you will find thousands of people like yourself, struggling in these areas. People like yourself exchange questions and tons of Chizuk, post logs of their progress and share experience and hope. And you can also read the many stories on our website to see what others have gone through and how they have succeeded.

The biggest obstacle to succeeding is not believing you can succeed. The first impediment to overcoming this struggle is not in your genes, your childhood or your environment. If you believe you can succeed and are willing to make the effort, you will find the way out. Absolutely NOTHING stands in the way of a true RATZON.

You can read the recovery stories on our site to see that many people even worse off than you have successfully broken free of these behaviors. We must truly want to break free of this Mitzrayim. Chazal say that those who didn’t want to leave Mitzrayim died in the plague of darkness. Already at the outset of our journey, we must be determined that we will never give up and always keep trying, no matter what. R' Tzadok HaKohen of Lublin writes (Tzidkas Hatzadik 154): "Just as one must believe in Hashem, so too, one must believe in himself!" Hashem wants us to BELIEVE in our strengths, our capabilities, and in our ability to overcome evil and achieve greatness. Although we might feel stuck, determination is completely up to us. The trick to ultimate success is only to want enough.

Please do yourself a favor and CONNECT with someone. The opposite of addiction is not sobriety - it's CONNECTION. Addiction thrives on isolation! Find someone that you can share your pain and struggles with. And finally, have someone who can cheer you on and celebrate your both big and small wins with you!
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com

Re: At a low point right now... 07 Nov 2022 19:33 #387388

  • Teshuvahguy
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DavidT wrote on 07 Nov 2022 19:18:

yud909 wrote on 06 Nov 2022 22:26:
Hi All
I would like to share my story with he hope that it will keep me from falling yet again. 
I've struggled with pornography and masturbation for as long as I can remember. I naively thought it would end as soon as I got married, it obviously did not. I was in kollel for many years and had my ups and downs, some good months some terrible months. When I went out to work, things pretty much remained the same with ups and downs, mainly with pornography sites but occasionally phone lines as well. I'm sure this sounds cliché but I'm a "regular good guy", what many people call yeshivish. I live in a great community, have a shaychus with my Rav, good friends, chavrusas, loving wife and kids etc. I daven with minyan and learn daily with multiple chavrusas etc. 
A few years ago I worked out of town for a few days a week. My life has never been the same. I first visited a massage parlor, then had ladies come to my hotel room and the list goes on  but at the risk of being a trigger for myself and others I'll stop there. I no longer work out of town but unfortunately once I was exposed to that, I found out all too easily how everything that's available over there is available at home as well. 
Every Yom Kippur I do teshuva, real sincere Teshuva. I cry and beg Hashem for help to stop my addiction. Sometimes I make it past Sukkos other times I don't. But this Yom Kippur was different for me. I felt it was on a whole new level. I stumbled right before Rosh Hashana and I really felt this Yom Kippur with my kabolos and my resolve this would be the end. I made it through Sukkos and had an incredible Simchas Torah and thought maybe just maybe this time would be different.
Alas, it was not so and here I am. I've stumbled 3 times since Sukkos and while I'm not giving up, it is EXTREMELY DEPRESSING. Will this be my fate until the day I die (or get caught) ? A few good weeks and then a few weeks of depravity?
Today is Sunday, my last complete fall was on Thursday. Since then I went to the mikvah, had a beautiful Shabbos, davened, learnt etc, and today I was fighting the urges constantly and flirted with disaster but ultimately didn't succumb (probably would've if I didn't have  filters on computer and phone).
I'm not sure what writing all this will accomplish, but I'm at a loss and looking for any chizuk and advice. 
Would love to hear from anyone that has stumbled as low as I have and has been clean for long periods of time. 

Welcome!
The first thing you need to realize is that you are not alone.
Many people struggle with lust on some level, and a high percentage have stumbled in these areas as well.
Even Tzadikim of previous generations struggled in this area (as they mention “the sins of their youth”), so you can imagine that those who seek purity in a generation such as ours are truly from Hashem’s greatest warriors!

In the GYE community, you will find thousands of people like yourself, struggling in these areas. People like yourself exchange questions and tons of Chizuk, post logs of their progress and share experience and hope. And you can also read the many stories on our website to see what others have gone through and how they have succeeded.

The biggest obstacle to succeeding is not believing you can succeed. The first impediment to overcoming this struggle is not in your genes, your childhood or your environment. If you believe you can succeed and are willing to make the effort, you will find the way out. Absolutely NOTHING stands in the way of a true RATZON.

You can read the recovery stories on our site to see that many people even worse off than you have successfully broken free of these behaviors. We must truly want to break free of this Mitzrayim. Chazal say that those who didn’t want to leave Mitzrayim died in the plague of darkness. Already at the outset of our journey, we must be determined that we will never give up and always keep trying, no matter what. R' Tzadok HaKohen of Lublin writes (Tzidkas Hatzadik 154): "Just as one must believe in Hashem, so too, one must believe in himself!" Hashem wants us to BELIEVE in our strengths, our capabilities, and in our ability to overcome evil and achieve greatness. Although we might feel stuck, determination is completely up to us. The trick to ultimate success is only to want enough.

Please do yourself a favor and CONNECT with someone. The opposite of addiction is not sobriety - it's CONNECTION. Addiction thrives on isolation! Find someone that you can share your pain and struggles with. And finally, have someone who can cheer you on and celebrate your both big and small wins with you!

@davidt, it’s not so easy to connect with someone. I have been trying. I have serious SSA. I can’t connect with anyone I know. I’d be too afraid to share with anyone. I’d love someone to cheer on and who could cheer me on. But it’s not so simple. 

Re: At a low point right now... 08 Nov 2022 05:20 #387415

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DavidT wrote on 07 Nov 2022 19:18:

yud909 wrote on 06 Nov 2022 22:26:
Hi All
I would like to share my story with he hope that it will keep me from falling yet again. 
I've struggled with pornography and masturbation for as long as I can remember. I naively thought it would end as soon as I got married, it obviously did not. I was in kollel for many years and had my ups and downs, some good months some terrible months. When I went out to work, things pretty much remained the same with ups and downs, mainly with pornography sites but occasionally phone lines as well. I'm sure this sounds cliché but I'm a "regular good guy", what many people call yeshivish. I live in a great community, have a shaychus with my Rav, good friends, chavrusas, loving wife and kids etc. I daven with minyan and learn daily with multiple chavrusas etc. 
A few years ago I worked out of town for a few days a week. My life has never been the same. I first visited a massage parlor, then had ladies come to my hotel room and the list goes on  but at the risk of being a trigger for myself and others I'll stop there. I no longer work out of town but unfortunately once I was exposed to that, I found out all too easily how everything that's available over there is available at home as well. 
Every Yom Kippur I do teshuva, real sincere Teshuva. I cry and beg Hashem for help to stop my addiction. Sometimes I make it past Sukkos other times I don't. But this Yom Kippur was different for me. I felt it was on a whole new level. I stumbled right before Rosh Hashana and I really felt this Yom Kippur with my kabolos and my resolve this would be the end. I made it through Sukkos and had an incredible Simchas Torah and thought maybe just maybe this time would be different.
Alas, it was not so and here I am. I've stumbled 3 times since Sukkos and while I'm not giving up, it is EXTREMELY DEPRESSING. Will this be my fate until the day I die (or get caught) ? A few good weeks and then a few weeks of depravity?
Today is Sunday, my last complete fall was on Thursday. Since then I went to the mikvah, had a beautiful Shabbos, davened, learnt etc, and today I was fighting the urges constantly and flirted with disaster but ultimately didn't succumb (probably would've if I didn't have  filters on computer and phone).
I'm not sure what writing all this will accomplish, but I'm at a loss and looking for any chizuk and advice. 
Would love to hear from anyone that has stumbled as low as I have and has been clean for long periods of time. 

The opposite of addiction is not sobriety - it's CONNECTION. 

Couldnt have said it better. this helps me emmensly. Thanks for helping me get another level of self awareness.
Be a part of my 90 day journey! -Destination -90 days, A Human beings journey. Every post and suggestion response and chizzuk is appreciated.



I love connecting, supporting and sharing. To private message me, my email is Hashemsboy@gmail.com Feel free to say hello and #Shareyourstory.#NOJUDGMENTZONE!

Re: At a low point right now... 10 Nov 2022 01:18 #387500

  • yud909
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BH I've been clean and in good spirits since last post.
I knew yesterday would be a really slow day at work and I was putting myself in a vulnerable position. So I went ahead and found a nice long hike that kept me busy for most of the day.  Now my  struggle is, growing complacent. Unfortunately I've experienced this many times, I fall, feel terrible, am extremally cognizant of my addiction etc. But after a few days I forget about it and get in great spirits and feel as if I'm completely healed. Which is great for the next few days (sometimes weeks) but then... one bad day, one day with too much time on my hands etc. and it's all down hill.
How do I keep myself from growing complacent? 

Re: At a low point right now... 10 Nov 2022 03:21 #387510

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You post on the gye forums.
Be a part of my 90 day journey! -Destination -90 days, A Human beings journey. Every post and suggestion response and chizzuk is appreciated.



I love connecting, supporting and sharing. To private message me, my email is Hashemsboy@gmail.com Feel free to say hello and #Shareyourstory.#NOJUDGMENTZONE!

Re: At a low point right now... 10 Nov 2022 03:38 #387514

  • Vehkam
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yud909 wrote on 10 Nov 2022 01:18:
BH I've been clean and in good spirits since last post.
I knew yesterday would be a really slow day at work and I was putting myself in a vulnerable position. So I went ahead and found a nice long hike that kept me busy for most of the day.  Now my  struggle is, growing complacent. Unfortunately I've experienced this many times, I fall, feel terrible, am extremally cognizant of my addiction etc. But after a few days I forget about it and get in great spirits and feel as if I'm completely healed. Which is great for the next few days (sometimes weeks) but then... one bad day, one day with too much time on my hands etc. and it's all down hill.
How do I keep myself from growing complacent? 

You can Try reading a chapter of the battle of the generation every single day no matter how you feel.   It works for me. 
vehkam7@gmail.com

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/375452-Work-in-progress

The Battle of the Generation by Hillel S. has been a huge help for me.  Message me to find out how you can receive a free copy.



some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me.  This is ok.  I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves.  If you do realize that you  know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.

Re: At a low point right now... 10 Nov 2022 06:14 #387532

My dear brother
first I'm happy to hear that now you have it easier, you should be well and stay strong. 
yes thats one of the big challenges, that we keep on thinking that we are gold already for ous entire life, we forget from where we come from, that will cause us not to be on top of it and fall into it again.
we find this in chazal already, אין אפוטרופוס לעריות, therefore we have to remember every day, i have to watch myself, I'm trying not to be busy working on it the entire day, since I don't want to be one track minded, I'll be busy with other things, even when I don't have a busy day I'll keep my self busy with learning etc.
but I do add a prayer every day in the morning in Yiddish to hashem, when I say ואל תביאנו לא לידי נסיון, hashem you know how I look like when ifall in to these nisyoinois, please help me today to stay away from it.
also when a nisoyoin comes up, I won't wait till I fall, I'll just find a way to keep my self accountable, like I had today, a real big nisoyoin, and I emailed a friend,  that helped staying alert and on top of it, and here I'm still clean.
wish you a easy way on your journy
we all love you

Re: At a low point right now... 11 Nov 2022 16:12 #387613

  • yud909
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You can Try reading a chapter of the battle of the generation every single day no matter how you feel.   It works for me.

Where can I get a copy of this?

Re: At a low point right now... 11 Nov 2022 16:45 #387614

  • Vehkam
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It is available at amazon.com search for the battle of the generation by Hillel s.

It is also available on GYE as a download. The link is in captains signature.

If you email me I can get you a hard copy of the book
vehkam7@gmail.com

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/375452-Work-in-progress

The Battle of the Generation by Hillel S. has been a huge help for me.  Message me to find out how you can receive a free copy.



some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me.  This is ok.  I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves.  If you do realize that you  know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.
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