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First time posting about myself 01 Sep 2021 12:10 #372093

  • taherlibeinu
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HI Everyone,

Firstly I just want to echo much of what has been said. This is a tremendous site. Tremendous Yashar Koach to those who founded it. 

I just want to share my story. I hope it will help people as well as myself. I am in my 30's with BH an incredibly loving family... but my story begins way before then.. 

I grew up back in the late 90's/0's in what can probably be defined as a modern orthodox home. Back then the internet was just coming to the forefront. There wasn't such a thing as a filter on both TV or computer (not that it is an excuse!) download speeds were about 3KB! Unfortunately there was still pornography.. I quickly became completely hooked acting out most days. In fact throughout my teenagehood i don't think once i went from Shabbos to Shabbos without slipping up. Somehow at the same time i grew in Yiddishkeite, I had this tremendous thirst for learning Torah and closeness to the Ribbono Shel Olam, i went through incredible highs of learning and focusing on Limud Hatorah and then a fall.. a cycle which am sure you are familiar with. 
Like you all i didn't want to let anyone know about it so i suffered in silence. Throughout Yeshiva (which i did much better - went nearly 2 months at one point with no fall) and then after.. I went through a lot in my early 20's but my addiction was always with me.. In Yeshiva i met with a Rabbi/Physcologist and discussed this issue but it didn't really help.

As i have grown up I realise how this is so much a part of me but at the same time not. I am able at sometimes to go long periods without acting out and then all of a sudden i fall.. as an addict - and yes that is exactly what i am - i know that the only way i have a chance is to completely limit my access to such material. I don't have a smart phone and my laptop has webchaver installed which my wife gets emails for. It took me so long to get this installed but it is amazing to know that someone is looking at what i look at and it really helps stop the urge. Yet somehow there seems to always be a way for me to fall.. for example yesterday i came across my wifes old Iphone.. whilst i didn't go the full way i had a complete fall in terms of what i saw. I threw away the old charger so for now i cannot use it again but i will also remove the phone. 

Despite these fallbacks I am determined to succeed. The greatest power the Yetzer Harah has is one of despair. Don't ever let it fool you into thinking you are too far gone.. 

I wanted to list out some of the things that helped me.. You will know most if not all of them but just in case it helps is worth mentioning.

1) Make it as difficult as possible to access pornographic material. Many of my sudden urges all come because i realise there is an "opening" to see something inappropriate. If you close the loophole often the urges might not come as often or as strong. This is absolutely critical - without this we are not giving ourselves the chance we deserve. Not having a smartphone is one of the biggest blessings in my life. Do not think for one minute it will impact your Parnassah. He who gives Parnassah is perfectly able to give me what i need without requiring a smartphone. 
2) Have hobbies, be involved in other things.. whether it is a board for a charity/shul or chavruta or seeing friends. especially if you are single fill your day and give yourself less of a chance. 
3) I keep a Cheshbon Hanefesh, i try each day to write in it and i keep track of how many days there. I list my goals and thank Hashem for everything each day. It is a very powerful tool. Accountability is also important, if i fall i try give Tzedaka afterwards and i fast half day on the following Sunday. These are not extreme things but i make sure to do them as a form of Teshuva. After that i move on.
4) Rav Moshe Weinberger Shlita has incredible shiurim on this topic. He has a Chaburas Yosef Hatzadik which deals precisely with this inyan. There is also a hidden gem of a shiur on YU torah which he has about this - www.yutorah.org/lectures/lecture.cfm/914698/rabbi-moshe-weinberger/kedusha-is-it-within-our-reach/ I cannot recommend this highly enough. I try jogging at least twice a week and i often listen to this shiur  
5) I am talking to myself here -- Remember He who put you on this world gave you this challenge. He knows you and He has given you the kochos you need to win this battle. One day you will have to go back to him with to paraphrase Ki Tzavo "Your Basket of fruit" all your Mitzvot and deeds. You have the opportunity whilst here to make a difference, to do so much good. "The day after" i have to remind myself. If Hashem let me wake up today its because He trusts in me. If He didn't want me here He is perfectly able to take me anytime He wills. I am here because He believes in me. Its time to believe in myself also.
6) Daven, Daven and Daven some more. Hashem is here to help, He wants to help us. I pray He gives me strength and may He help you too. 

For me my next step is to seriously take on the 90 day challenge.. 30 days has been my average period recently apart from the odd time over Pesach when i went 50+ days, my last fall yesterday was 21 days which is not good. One day at a time but for me bring on 90 days! I pray that with the Ribbono Shel Olam's help i will achieve this.. 90 days takes me to Tuesday 30th November. Please Hashem help me to get there. 

If you are still reading.. thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts. BH you should be matzliach in your own Nisyonos. May Hashem grant us all a Shana Tova Umetuka.

Re: First time posting about myself 01 Sep 2021 14:27 #372095

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What an awesome post! Healthy, intelligent, honest, and full of wise advice. You are mezakeh es ha'rabim by posting it for all to see.

One question. Who paskened that you are an addict? From what you write you sound much more like the typical guy here who suffers from a good dose of yetzer hara coupled with a bad habit learned pre-da'as days.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: First time posting about myself 02 Sep 2021 14:29 #372141

Just wanted to say thank you for your post. A lot of us can relate to almost everything you said, and it's amazing to see your honesty in your writing
Hatzlacha in your next steps! 

Re: First time posting about myself 01 Oct 2021 16:30 #372792

  • AStrugglingJew
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Thank you so much for this. 
This is truly amazing. I just fell and this is exactly what I needed to hear. Your advice is spot on. 

You seem like an amazing person with an amazing perspective with so much to add to this special community.

can't wait to hear more from you and seeing us all grow together!

Re: First time posting about myself 05 Oct 2021 11:39 #372946

  • taherlibeinu
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Thanks so much for all the replies. Its very heartening to read.

I am on day 35.. quite nervous now to be honest as between now and day 50 is usually where i fall. I get over confident then the Yetzer Hora finds a way in and i fall.. This time i told myself that the Yetzer Hara can throw the kitchen sink at me.. I am just going to run away.
I heard a beautiful idea which i think relates to this. Yaakov Avinu is called by two names Yaakov and Yisrael.. why both.. I heard once that this reflects two aspects of our survival in Galus. There are times where we need to fight straight up that is "Yisrael" but many a time if not most we have survived by ducking and avoiding the confrontation - this is reflected in the name Yaakov. Right now i need to do a lot of ducking and hiding from the Yetzer Hara. If i face him straight up there will only be one result!! Yesterday I was in front of a computer which wasn't filtered. BH i kept my wife on the phone the whole time and walked away from the machine. Its just so easy to lose it in one moment!  I shouldn't have been there in the first place! I needed to print something and our printer didn't work.. BH i didn't fall. I have noticed over the past few days i have been in stressful situations which completely throw me off and then i start thinking about the computer or things i shouldn't.. thats just the Yetzer Harah trying it on!!

On a positive note I have taken on to try Amud Yomi.. good to focus on something positive.. though the other day my amud was Chazarah (does this count ) together with that and Rav Weinberger's Chaburas Yosef Hatzaddik Shiurim I am hoping to try and retain some sort of perspective to get me through the day!

Very much hoping i can report back to you all that I have not fallen when i next post - BH to 90 days and beyond!!!

Re: First time posting about myself 05 Oct 2021 12:52 #372952

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Wow, your incredible for walking away from the computer.
Enjoy your amud and keep it up!

Re: First time posting about myself 18 Oct 2021 16:02 #373391

  • taherlibeinu
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Day 48.. one day at a time.. each day is a special milestone to celebrate.. if i can make it to tomorrow night it will be my own special Pesach to Shavuos!!

Yetzer Hara - I know are after me. You know me better then i know myself.. this is a battle for the long run. There is one thing i have that you don't.. I have a Father in heaven who is my mascot.. who is shouting my name from the sidelines.. who is fighting in my corner.. He is with me every step of the way and I know with His help I have chance. Yes we might visit the depths together every now and then but I am determined to free myself from you. 

Hashem please help me keep strong..

back to work now.. 
Last Edit: 18 Oct 2021 16:19 by taherlibeinu.

Re: First time posting about myself 18 Oct 2021 16:20 #373392

  • DavidT
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taherlibeinu wrote on 18 Oct 2021 16:02:
Day 48.. one day at a time.. each day is a special milestone to celebrate.. if i can make it to tomorrow night it will be me own special Pesach to Shavuos!!

Yetzer Hara - I know are after me. You know me better then i know myself.. this is a battle for the long run. There is one thing i have that you don't.. I have a Father in heaven who is my mascot.. who is shouting my name from the sidelines.. who is fighting in my corner.. He is with me every step of the way and I know with His help I have chance. Yes we might visit the depths together every now and then but I am determined to free myself from you. 

Hashem please help me keep strong..

back to work now..  

The Yetzer Hara replies:
Yes! I am after you... But I will tell you a secret. We both have the same goal, to do the will of Hashem. When you listen to me and go against Hashem's will, we both failed. 

One of the greatest gifts Hashem gave you in life is your Yetzer Hara. The Midrash teaches us, :”וַיַּרְא אֱלֹקים אֶת כָּל אֲשֶׁר עָשָׂה וְהִנֵּה טוֹב מְאֹד”- And Hashem saw all that He made, and it was very good. ‘וְהִנֵּה טוֹב’- זה ‘היצר הטוב’. ‘וְהִנֵּה טוֹב מְאֹד’- זה ‘היצר הרע It was good– refers to the Yetzer Hatov. And it was very good– this is the Yetzer Hara (Bresh*t Rabbah).  

The Vilna Gaon explains that one cannot change one’s mazal, one’s negative nature, one’s Yetzer Hara. That would be going against one’s grain. The only choice one has is what one does with that nature. 

Our strengths and weaknesses are like a seesaw, “package deals”, that you can’t have one without the other. Torah is the solution to that balance. G-d does not want us to uproot the seesaw, to throw out the whole package because there are some parts that we don’t like. אל תהי בז לכל אדם ואל תהי מפליג לכל דבר שאין לך אדם שאין לו שעה ואין לך דבר שאין לו מקום.  Do not hold any person in contempt, and do not consider anything worthless. For there is no person who does not have his hour. And there is no thing that does not have its place (Avot 4;3). If not for the Yetzer Hara, people would not get married, have children, build homes, businesses, etc. (See Yoma 69b; Midrash Tehillim 37a).
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com
Last Edit: 18 Oct 2021 16:20 by DavidT.

Re: First time posting about myself 18 Oct 2021 17:18 #373394

Wow your an inspiration! Keep it up! 
“Distancing and removing triggers is only bringing the door closer..Changing the insides and our nature is the key to get in.” 

“Human connection can help every sort of struggle” 

If anyone would like to reach me I’d love to help out! 
anonymouslyhappy111@gmail.com

Break free the easy way using the self-talk method!
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/378128-Captain--Shtarkemotionals-Secret90Day-Challenge

Check out this thread with packed Insight for every person at every stage! 
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/376994-%E2%80%9CShtark%E2%80%9D-insight-that-may-make-you-%E2%80%9Cemotional%E2%80%9D-%29

Re: First time posting about myself 18 Oct 2021 18:34 #373400

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Well done on staying clean

Take each day by day.
If you feel stressed or down then go for a walk or log into here.

Re: First time posting about myself 19 Oct 2021 01:41 #373410

  • Rebuild613
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taherlibeinu wrote on 18 Oct 2021 16:02:
Day 48.. one day at a time.. each day is a special milestone to celebrate.. if i can make it to tomorrow night it will be my own special Pesach to Shavuos!!

Yetzer Hara - I know are after me. You know me better then i know myself.. this is a battle for the long run. There is one thing i have that you don't.. I have a Father in heaven who is my mascot.. who is shouting my name from the sidelines.. who is fighting in my corner.. He is with me every step of the way and I know with His help I have chance. Yes we might visit the depths together every now and then but I am determined to free myself from you. 

Hashem please help me keep strong..

back to work now.. 

Mazel tov for your special 48 days.

כנגד מ"ח דברים שהתורה נקנית בהם

ובזכות זה תזכו לרב נחת והרחבת הדעת
Demolished is my real name
Fool is my middle name

Re: First time posting about myself 19 Oct 2021 09:31 #373417

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welcome and thank you for sharing. Don't forget to make time for ohysical fitness, at least 3x a week. This could involve joining a gym, biking, running or whatever works for you. This will greatly help you reduce stress and increase your confidence

Re: First time posting about myself 20 Oct 2021 17:27 #373451

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Big night tonight.. I am home baby sitting for a few hours alone.. I have made a neder to give a large amount to Tzedaka if i use a computer or screen device.. Am hoping this will help keep me strong.. BH i have no way at home to access explicit material but I find that it doesn't take a lot to pull me the wrong way even from seemingly harmless sites..  It is times like this i am in absolute awe of the yeshiva bachurim on this site who are struggling in this Inyan and manage to keep strong.. even if only once! I hope I can be as strong tonight as some of them and focus on my Amud Yomi..

Bring on day 51!!! (B'Ezras Hashem)

Re: First time posting about myself 20 Oct 2021 17:41 #373452

  • DavidT
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taherlibeinu wrote on 20 Oct 2021 17:27:
Big night tonight.. I am home baby sitting for a few hours alone.. I have made a neder to give a large amount to Tzedaka if i use a computer or screen device.. Am hoping this will help keep me strong.. BH i have no way at home to access explicit material but I find that it doesn't take a lot to pull me the wrong way even from seemingly harmless sites..  It is times like this i am in absolute awe of the yeshiva bachurim on this site who are struggling in this Inyan and manage to keep strong.. even if only once! I hope I can be as strong tonight as some of them and focus on my Amud Yomi..

Bring on day 51!!! (B'Ezras Hashem)

Try to remember & internalize what the Tanya writes:
והנה ה' נצב עליו, ומלוא כל הארץ כבודו, ומביט עליו ובוחן כליות ולב אם עובדו כראוי. ועל כן צריך לעבוד לפניו באימה וביראה כעומד לפני המלך. ויעמיק במחשבה זו ויאריך בה, כפי יכולת השגת מוחו ומחשבתו וכפי הפנאי שלו
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com

Re: First time posting about myself 21 Oct 2021 13:19 #373469

  • taherlibeinu
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Thankyou! Chasdei Hashem was ok. Baruch Hashem Yom Yom. i didn't quite finish the amud though 
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