YeshivaGuy wrote on 16 Nov 2022 14:53:

A+!

Was nichshal about an hour ago with YouTube bud/masterbation.
Cuz called filter to momentarily get AppStore for an app.

Fixed the heter and I ran to this new initiative I’ve decided to start in my life.
Learning b’Iyun at night in a Chabura of Bnei Torah.

Really feel like will help with me feeling sipuk in life, not lonely etc etc.

Made set chavrusa for mondays and Thursdays with a night iyun shiur after Seder by a big Talmud Chacham.
Tonight was my first night.
Feels pretty uncomfortable going to a night seder for “working folk,” and I still refuse to call myself “no longer in yeshiva,” “past Yeshiva years” etc.
Definitely part of the shame I feel…
But would definitely be atzas hayetzer and straight out stupidity to not join this night Chabura  because I don’t wanna be like other workin folk.

May this be my tikkun and the impetus towards acquiring the life that is mine to own.

YeshivaGuy

Amazing!
you may want to let your filter company know when you find loopholes so they can fix them up for everyone...

I understand your feelings of pain about not being in yeshiva. I look at it differently, I also did some Klei Kodesh things when I was single. Was not in a yeshiva as a student for some time. But I always considered myself a Ben yeshiva, because I did not leave the world of learningTorah. For me teaching is learning... I hope that maybe can help your self identify.

As long as learning is a central part of your life, you will always be a Yeshiva Guy.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 18 Nov 2022 03:18:

You are always a Yeshiva guy because you have been a yeshiva guy and continue to learn. You never have to give up that title. It’s also ok to embrace the life of someone who also works. But you can be a “yeshiva guy” who works! Is that a thing? I’m a BT so never went to yeshiva. My loss. If it’s not a thing, you can be a trailblazer!!

No intro.
I won’t explain.
Very close to meeting someone in person, real none jewish girl.
Not getting into more right now.

Told her I’m Jewish so we can’t touch, marry etc so won’t work…
So she said we can just be “good friends.”
Not writing more right now.
Yes I know.
Help me to not ruin my life cuz she lives 15 min away and I’ll give in…

Send mussar but only positive mussar.
This happened just now when I began entering into a deeper more painful part of my trauma..
Gn

YeshivaGuy wrote on 30 Nov 2022 06:40:

Hey YG. Think of how far you’ve come, how many battles you’ve fought, how much effort you’ve invested into beating this monster. Don’t give into it now! You’ve climbed a mountain higher than Everest-don’t willingly throw yourself off back to the bottom! 

YOU CAN DO THIS! 

You are too great for this buddy. Such she'ifos in life. Such bikush. A diamond like you belongs in a protective vessel, not in a cesspool. She will never appreciate you. Say no. Hakadosh Boruch Hu will have immense nachas beyond our comprehension and imagination.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 30 Nov 2022 06:40:

The following may help from pages 230-231 in the battle of the generation.  My therapist also recommended this method to me. 


On a piece of paper, make a column for each option. Designate the top of each column for the positives of that choice and the bottom for the negatives. First, in the column of the option you wish you could choose, jot down in the positives section that you want it and why. Then for each choice, write all the positives and negatives. List any emotional factors that make you prefer that choice among the positives, and anything that causes discomfort with the negatives. This includes social pressure or that you will feel you missed out. Don’t hide your emotions. They are normal. Don’t be embarrassed. Get them out on paper. Your sole objective is to make the best decision, which you need clarity for. In fact, your desire for that choice will be factored into the decision — you will go with that choice if it’s appropriate and smart. Once you have acknowledged these feelings, they will no longer hide beneath the surface, swaying your decision and making you feel overwhelmed.

Next, ask yourself: What do I expect to happen as a result of each choice? Play it out in your mind, and write it down in the appropriate section. Note all the short and long-term benefits and issues each option yields, including pleasure, happiness, feeling good about yourself, regret, or achieving your dreams of attaining unique success. Get everything out in the open.
Clarifying all this calms your desires. You will still care about getting what you want, which is fine. But you won’t want to do anything foolish or damaging to get it. By having all our desires, agendas, and benefits clearly defined, and by accepting that we do desire and that indulging does provide some enjoyment, we will make a satisfying decision without feeling overwhelmed.
And amazingly, we might find that what we want has changed now that our desires are no longer confusing us from beneath the surface.

It started with on Sunday my therapist wanted me writing a letter to the part of myself that was abused, and the thought of confronting that child has made me freak out etc so that’s what happened.
I’m just in so much pain…

YeshivaGuy wrote on 30 Nov 2022 15:43:

That’s hard and real tough 

No need to confront anything. 
Maybe that’s what is frightening you?

It’s a reality that many of us have to deal with unfortunately. If it helps, know we are here for you!!

 Hi YG,
Let me share a personal story probably my biggest struggle . I'm only sharing it because maybe you will be able to gain strength from this. 
I worked in big company which had a lot of employees. There was this young non Jewish girl that started getting very friendly with me.  very feisty and independent and very funny and warm. my fantasy come true. The problem as that she liked me as well. I knew I just had to say the word and she would do what i want when i want. But i considered myself to be a erliche yid so I didn't even allow her to touch me. We would go to company parties and she would beg me to dance with her and i would say no I cant. This was the most excruciating pain I've ever been in. My heart was shred into pieces. My mind was started to come up with serous issues like " who says this whole Shomer Ngia is a problem? maybe some extremists came up with it?" and it went further into all kinds of questions into my yidishkeit.... Everything i believed in was tasted because if anything was not true i would be able to do what i want. 
I had to take a full inventory of what i know to be true and what i believe and how strongly i believe in the torah and tzadikkim. It was a nightmare. As a result of all of this soul searching, I got much stronger in my yidishkeit overall. And i started getting better in this area as well. 
But this was a huge struggle for me, so Hashem helped me (not the GYE user, the real one...) and she quite suddenly and that was it. I've met her one or twice since at business functions, but it was much easier already. 
So I'm hoping that you learn that its just not worth it, its that simple. and the truth is that you really don't hold there you are a erliche yid and this is way beyond the regular looking at women on the street or online. we have very holy neshamas and this is something far removed from us. Your YH is fooling you by telling you that this is something you might want. Maybe a tiny part of you wants but your essence does not. I promise you that. 
Good luck and stay strong

You guys are tzadikim !!!

I have no words

How do you have such strengths

You lifted heavy weights

Continue inspiring  us

No Mask

YeshivaGuy wrote on 30 Nov 2022 06:40:

 Shulchan Aruch, Even Ha'Ezer 16. Here’s a rough translation:

A Jewish man who has relations with a gentile woman in a way of marriage gets Malkus (flogging) from the Torah, as it says "thou shall not marry them". But one who has relations (as a one time thing), is chayev on the Issur Derabanan of "Kusis" (non-Jewish relations) and "zonah", and he receives "makas Mardus" - (flogging de'rabanan). And if he designates her as a "girl friend" for him, (not for marriage but also not just as a one time thing), then our Sages made a gezeira (See Gemara Avoda Zara 36b – from Beis Chashmona'im, which preceded the Mishna by a few hundred years!) that he is chayev on Nashga"z, which stands for 4 different Issurim derabanan: "Niddah", Shifcha", "Goya", "Zonah".

Also, (one who has relations with a non-Jewish woman, zealots may kill him during the act, as we see by the story of Pinchas. This is Halacha LeMoshe Mi’sinai – Kana’im Pogim Bo) if he was not killed by zealots and did not receive flogging by Beis Din, his punishment is clear in Tanach that he is chayav Kares, as it says: "For Yehudah has defiled the holy by loving and having relations with gentile women and Hashem will "cut off" (Kares) the man who has done thus…”

Until here are the words of the Shulchan Aruch.

You can also see the same Halachos in the Rambam, Hilchos Issurei Biyah, Perek 12.

Besides for this, The Gemara in Avoda Zara 5a writes that when a person transgresses a sin (with a non-Jewish woman), she is bound to his soul in the next world like a dog… Like it says by Yosef Hatzadik, that he didn’t listen to the wife of Potifar “to lay with her, to be with her”. (The Gemara learns from the double wording): “To lay with her in this world, and to be with her in the next world”.

The Gemara in Eruvin 19a writes that Avraham Avinu sits at the entrance of Gehenom and pulls out from there those who needed to spend some time there, besides for those who had relations with non-Jewish women. This is because when he is with her, she pulls the fore-skin of his member upwards (she doesn’t like that he had a bris milla) and therefore Avraham doesn’t recognize him (to take him out of Gehinom).

The Maharil explains this simply to mean that when a Jewish man is with a non-Jewish woman, he wishes he would not have had a bris mila, and this “wish” cuts him off spiritually from Avraham Avinu who was the first to make a Bris Milla, and therefore Avraham doesn’t pull him out of Gehenom.

DavidT wrote on 30 Nov 2022 20:52:

good thing he asked for positive mussar only.