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Re: Make it to Yeshiva 31 Oct 2022 13:22 #387018

  • YeshivaGuy
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Good morning,

Allow me to explain where things stand.
I had a very difficult week teaching last week with kids calling me by my first name etc.
A big part of me wants to quit..

As well, there’s the porn thing which has been going unchecked. I was online for like 9 hours motzei shabbos (into the morning).

I’ve wanted to switch back to my kosher phone and use this iPhone as a filtered laptop, to keep in my satchel (or man purse/“murse”) to be used for work.
Ive been scared to do it though especially with the achrayus of working.

Yesterday though I just did it, I switched my SIM card. I subsequently went shopping for new suits and a new hat and even splurged getting myself a set of the ערוך השולחן העתיד which I’m super pumped to learn now that I’ve gotten into taharos.

Had tons of anxiety yesterday and today from not using the smartphone. 
I’m sitting here right now thinking “what am I gonna do without it.” The prospect of being with myself is terrifying.
Its partially the reason I went back to a smartphone about 8 months ago, because I was dealing with things so intense that I needed a distraction.

Hopefully I’ll stay strong and continue with this kosher phone.
I hope today will be a better day with these kids and a better week. I’m mamash working all day, like 10-6 which is hard going from zero to 100 like that.

Then there’s shidduchim. Haven’t l’maaseh started yet. There’s this girl I’m interested in, after a little research though something came up concerning which is upsetting. Not necessarily a reason to nix but not poshut.
Im definitely upset about it because I like her- not looking to get into this now, just mentioned it to fill y’all in on where things are.

Then there’s the things with my dad which suck and my car prob needs an oil change which is annoying

Also, my cousin yesterday told me “now you’re a learner-earner” which definitely broke my heart. People with their “chizuk” are great at making things worse.
Even if right now I’m working, I’m still a Ben Yeshiva (or YeshivaGuy). Don’t give me some new hagdara.

And with all this, there’s still more going on!
But I’ll spare y’all the details.

I hope I can get a meeting this week with my Rebbi to discuss some of these things, particularly wanting to quit and being afraid that no one will wanna date me cuz I’m working. And that if I say I’d wanna try kollel for a few years they’ll think I’m a stira because “then why’s he working right now.”


Have yourselves a wonderful day
Last Edit: 31 Oct 2022 13:31 by YeshivaGuy.

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 31 Oct 2022 13:48 #387019

  • Teshuvahguy
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YeshivaGuy wrote on 31 Oct 2022 13:22:
Good morning,

Allow me to explain where things stand.
I had a very difficult week teaching last week with kids calling me by my first name etc.
A big part of me wants to quit..

As well, there’s the porn thing which has been going unchecked. I was online for like 9 hours motzei shabbos (into the morning).

I’ve wanted to switch back to my kosher phone and use this iPhone as a filtered laptop, to keep in my satchel (or man purse/“murse”) to be used for work.
Ive been scared to do it though especially with the achrayus of working.

Yesterday though I just did it, I switched my SIM card. I subsequently went shopping for new suits and a new hat and even splurged getting myself a set of the ערוך השולחן העתיד which I’m super pumped to learn now that I’ve gotten into taharos.

Had tons of anxiety yesterday and today from not using the smartphone. 
I’m sitting here right now thinking “what am I gonna do without it.” The prospect of being with myself is terrifying.
Its partially the reason I went back to a smartphone about 8 months ago, because I was dealing with things so intense that I needed a distraction.

Hopefully I’ll stay strong and continue with this kosher phone.
I hope today will be a better day with these kids and a better week. I’m mamash working all day, like 10-6 which is hard going from zero to 100 like that.

Then there’s shidduchim. Haven’t l’maaseh started yet. There’s this girl I’m interested in, after a little research though something came up concerning which is upsetting. Not necessarily a reason to nix but not poshut.
Im definitely upset about it because I like her- not looking to get into this now, just mentioned it to fill y’all in on where things are.

Then there’s the things with my dad which suck and my car prob needs an oil change which is annoying

Also, my cousin yesterday told me “now you’re a learner-earner” which definitely broke my heart. People with their “chizuk” are great at making things worse.
Even if right now I’m working, I’m still a Ben Yeshiva (or YeshivaGuy). Don’t give me some new hagdara.

And with all this, there’s still more going on!
But I’ll spare y’all the details.

I hope I can get a meeting this week with my Rebbi to discuss some of these things, particularly wanting to quit and being afraid that no one will wanna date me cuz I’m working. And that if I say I’d wanna try kollel for a few years they’ll think I’m a stira because “then why’s he working right now.”


Have yourselves a wonderful day

Honestly, having not grown up frum, I just don’t understand why it is such a terrible thing to work and earn. People have families and bills and they need to support them. When did it become a crime to work for a living that someone would not want you as a husband because you work? I know learning is incredibly important and valuable but not everyone can learn full time. Sorry…for the first 54 years of my life I didn’t know “frum” existed, so some things are so different from the secular world and hard to grasp. When I was looking to marry, it would have been completely unacceptable for me not to be able to support my wife. So how is being a learner and an earner bad? You clearly love Torah and learning so no one can say you are not a Ben Torah…why do you work? If you don’t like it, there must be a need to do it that is valid.
Last Edit: 31 Oct 2022 13:51 by Teshuvahguy.

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 02 Nov 2022 19:20 #387161

  • FighterWithFire
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YeshivaGuy wrote on 31 Oct 2022 13:22:
Good morning,

Allow me to explain where things stand.
I had a very difficult week teaching last week with kids calling me by my first name etc.
A big part of me wants to quit..

As well, there’s the porn thing which has been going unchecked. I was online for like 9 hours motzei shabbos (into the morning).

I’ve wanted to switch back to my kosher phone and use this iPhone as a filtered laptop, to keep in my satchel (or man purse/“murse”) to be used for work.
Ive been scared to do it though especially with the achrayus of working.

Yesterday though I just did it, I switched my SIM card. I subsequently went shopping for new suits and a new hat and even splurged getting myself a set of the ערוך השולחן העתיד which I’m super pumped to learn now that I’ve gotten into taharos.

Had tons of anxiety yesterday and today from not using the smartphone. 
I’m sitting here right now thinking “what am I gonna do without it.” The prospect of being with myself is terrifying.
Its partially the reason I went back to a smartphone about 8 months ago, because I was dealing with things so intense that I needed a distraction.

Hopefully I’ll stay strong and continue with this kosher phone.
I hope today will be a better day with these kids and a better week. I’m mamash working all day, like 10-6 which is hard going from zero to 100 like that.

Then there’s shidduchim. Haven’t l’maaseh started yet. There’s this girl I’m interested in, after a little research though something came up concerning which is upsetting. Not necessarily a reason to nix but not poshut.
Im definitely upset about it because I like her- not looking to get into this now, just mentioned it to fill y’all in on where things are.

Then there’s the things with my dad which suck and my car prob needs an oil change which is annoying

Also, my cousin yesterday told me “now you’re a learner-earner” which definitely broke my heart. People with their “chizuk” are great at making things worse.
Even if right now I’m working, I’m still a Ben Yeshiva (or YeshivaGuy). Don’t give me some new hagdara.

And with all this, there’s still more going on!
But I’ll spare y’all the details.

I hope I can get a meeting this week with my Rebbi to discuss some of these things, particularly wanting to quit and being afraid that no one will wanna date me cuz I’m working. And that if I say I’d wanna try kollel for a few years they’ll think I’m a stira because “then why’s he working right now.”


Have yourselves a wonderful day

My friend, as always, you're a warrior and an inspiration to the world. Keep fighting, stay strong, and know that Hashem loves you. He's with you every step of the way. (And for that matter, L'havdil, so are we. )
"It ain't about how hard you hit.

It's about how hard you can GET hit,

and keep moving forward,

how much you can TAKE,

and keep moving forward.

That's how winning is done!"

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 05 Nov 2022 22:47 #387272

keep it up your great!

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 14 Nov 2022 05:19 #387681

  • YeshivaGuy
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Dear friends,

Everything is so confusing, painful etc.
I see no purpose in my day to day activities and run around all day, but for what?

This excerpt from a poem of mine written a few years ago came to mind. I’ll share it below, describes how I’m feeling:


“Is there worth to life that lives
With pain and with strife?
For what does Man arise each day
What is the point of life?

Why is life so miserable 
Can no smile last?
Digging digging in my grave
Seeking to cast all past

Know- life is not meant to be
Of both joy and thrill
Nor does pain now justify
To run away and kill

Man exists to ride the waves
Of ones pain and strife
Crowned with faith- a smile sprouts
This is the point of life


Every arrow has its source
Shot by One who loves
The injured bird will fly again
With help from up above


Every piece remains a part
Let Ice burn again
These Bricks of Pain do build a Man
Who lives with Hashem”

Please oh please, help me.
And yes, on Tuesday night I went onto a pornography website but for a moment. (Had never done so before)
Was disgusting and yes I am terrified of the future.
Where I stay during the week I have this laptop I had planned to use but I’m not so stopped paying for the filter and that’s what I had used.
I’m terrified and feel doomed to fall.
I recall countless conversations with friends describing similar feelings after they first went on such a site but that they eventually fell deep down.

Hashem don’t let that be me!!

YeshivaGuy


Last Edit: 14 Nov 2022 05:26 by YeshivaGuy.

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 14 Nov 2022 23:50 #387727

  • frank.lee
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If you are not planning on using the device, you can change the filter to be free by changing to a plan of blocking all. At least techloq does have that option. Not sure about other filters.

Keep up the amazing work!!

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 15 Nov 2022 00:26 #387730

Have you looked into having webchaver along with reaching out to gye for help with accountability? Sharing with someone what's going on, sharing one's commitments\gedarim, having someone to report to if starting to slip, I found at least for myself to be a lifesaver bH.

Been two months since I made the phone call and bH been clean of what i was looking to be clean of since, THANK YOU HASHEM!

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 15 Nov 2022 01:00 #387731

  • Markz
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Guys - the last 2 posts aren’t really well written if you’re trying to respond at all to our holy brother’s poetry. 



Please re-read this thread and re-respond 
My Story---------Dov Quotes




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Re: Make it to Yeshiva 15 Nov 2022 01:08 #387733

  • Teshuvahguy
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YeshivaGuy wrote on 14 Nov 2022 05:19:
Dear friends,

Everything is so confusing, painful etc.
I see no purpose in my day to day activities and run around all day, but for what?

This excerpt from a poem of mine written a few years ago came to mind. I’ll share it below, describes how I’m feeling:


“Is there worth to life that lives
With pain and with strife?
For what does Man arise each day
What is the point of life?

Why is life so miserable 
Can no smile last?
Digging digging in my grave
Seeking to cast all past

Know- life is not meant to be
Of both joy and thrill
Nor does pain now justify
To run away and kill

Man exists to ride the waves
Of ones pain and strife
Crowned with faith- a smile sprouts
This is the point of life


Every arrow has its source
Shot by One who loves
The injured bird will fly again
With help from up above


Every piece remains a part
Let Ice burn again
These Bricks of Pain do build a Man
Who lives with Hashem”

Please oh please, help me.
And yes, on Tuesday night I went onto a pornography website but for a moment. (Had never done so before)
Was disgusting and yes I am terrified of the future.
Where I stay during the week I have this laptop I had planned to use but I’m not so stopped paying for the filter and that’s what I had used.
I’m terrified and feel doomed to fall.
I recall countless conversations with friends describing similar feelings after they first went on such a site but that they eventually fell deep down.

Hashem don’t let that be me!!

YeshivaGuy



Wow. Beautiful. It won’t be you…you have worked too hard. You got a glimpse of the ugliness. Don’t let it suck you in. If you do it may own you and then everything is harder. Put it in the past. Lesson learned. Don’t look back. We are ALL here for you. You know that, I’m sure ❤️

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 15 Nov 2022 01:16 #387734

  • Teshuvahguy
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YeshivaGuy wrote on 14 Nov 2022 05:19:
Dear friends,

Everything is so confusing, painful etc.
I see no purpose in my day to day activities and run around all day, but for what?

This excerpt from a poem of mine written a few years ago came to mind. I’ll share it below, describes how I’m feeling:


“Is there worth to life that lives
With pain and with strife?
For what does Man arise each day
What is the point of life?

Why is life so miserable 
Can no smile last?
Digging digging in my grave
Seeking to cast all past

Know- life is not meant to be
Of both joy and thrill
Nor does pain now justify
To run away and kill

Man exists to ride the waves
Of ones pain and strife
Crowned with faith- a smile sprouts
This is the point of life


Every arrow has its source
Shot by One who loves
The injured bird will fly again
With help from up above


Every piece remains a part
Let Ice burn again
These Bricks of Pain do build a Man
Who lives with Hashem”

Please oh please, help me.
And yes, on Tuesday night I went onto a pornography website but for a moment. (Had never done so before)
Was disgusting and yes I am terrified of the future.
Where I stay during the week I have this laptop I had planned to use but I’m not so stopped paying for the filter and that’s what I had used.
I’m terrified and feel doomed to fall.
I recall countless conversations with friends describing similar feelings after they first went on such a site but that they eventually fell deep down.

Hashem don’t let that be me!!

YeshivaGuy



@yeshivaguy, your poem expresses pain but is really so filled with wisdom about what life is really like for a Jew. What our life purpose is. I see a lot of hope in those lines. Can you share what, right now, is confusing and so painful? What is driving your sense of purposelessness? You are kind of a legend to me on this site, you share such wise advice and such, and I really want to be here for you. How can I help?

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 15 Nov 2022 04:25 #387744

  • Markz
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My brother YG,

I was blown away by what Cord’ wrote a few days ago. I didn’t see your Thank You on it which tells me you definitely didn’t see it yet.

Check it out and let me know what you think (if you like :-)

guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin?limit=15&start=1560#387538
My Story---------Dov Quotes




FREE LUST TRUCK TOWING
Click HERE to checkout;
100 Day Success Stories: cordnoy, Dov, Gevura and more...
• Awesome Threads Saved for You
• Cast Your Vote

GYE Plenty Solutions
➣ The Mark of Torah - Lust Chizuk

➣ Nice Trucking Story

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 16 Nov 2022 14:48 #387795

  • YeshivaGuy
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Markz wrote on 15 Nov 2022 04:25:
My brother YG,

I was blown away by what Cord’ wrote a few days ago. I didn’t see your Thank You on it which tells me you definitely didn’t see it yet.

Check it out and let me know what you think (if you like :-)

guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin?limit=15&start=1560#387538

Will do. Thanks

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 16 Nov 2022 14:49 #387797

  • YeshivaGuy
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Teshuvahguy wrote on 15 Nov 2022 01:16:

YeshivaGuy wrote on 14 Nov 2022 05:19:
Dear friends,

Everything is so confusing, painful etc.
I see no purpose in my day to day activities and run around all day, but for what?

This excerpt from a poem of mine written a few years ago came to mind. I’ll share it below, describes how I’m feeling:


“Is there worth to life that lives
With pain and with strife?
For what does Man arise each day
What is the point of life?

Why is life so miserable 
Can no smile last?
Digging digging in my grave
Seeking to cast all past

Know- life is not meant to be
Of both joy and thrill
Nor does pain now justify
To run away and kill

Man exists to ride the waves
Of ones pain and strife
Crowned with faith- a smile sprouts
This is the point of life


Every arrow has its source
Shot by One who loves
The injured bird will fly again
With help from up above


Every piece remains a part
Let Ice burn again
These Bricks of Pain do build a Man
Who lives with Hashem”

Please oh please, help me.
And yes, on Tuesday night I went onto a pornography website but for a moment. (Had never done so before)
Was disgusting and yes I am terrified of the future.
Where I stay during the week I have this laptop I had planned to use but I’m not so stopped paying for the filter and that’s what I had used.
I’m terrified and feel doomed to fall.
I recall countless conversations with friends describing similar feelings after they first went on such a site but that they eventually fell deep down.

Hashem don’t let that be me!!

YeshivaGuy



@yeshivaguy, your poem expresses pain but is really so filled with wisdom about what life is really like for a Jew. What our life purpose is. I see a lot of hope in those lines. Can you share what, right now, is confusing and so painful? What is driving your sense of purposelessness? You are kind of a legend to me on this site, you share such wise advice and such, and I really want to be here for you. How can I help?

Thank you for your kind words, concern, and care.
I’m struggling to find meaning in my daily life, don’t have much time to write, will elaborate

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 16 Nov 2022 14:53 #387799

  • YeshivaGuy
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Rare good news: Last night I had to log into online for report cards that are due. It wasn’t working on my filtered iphone and it’s due today. So last night my only other option was to go on an unfiltered laptop which I’ve been nichshal with in the past.

Instead I Emailed the menahel, told him the issue with the site on my phone and said I don’t have access to another laptop so will complete in the morning.
And it’s indeed true because I don’t have mutar access to an unfiltered laptop!

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 16 Nov 2022 17:22 #387803

  • chancy
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Good for you! This is bigger then you think. 
You have successfully convinced yourself that you are string enough to withstand a lot of pressure and not give in. 
Now you build on that strength and use it against everything the YH wants you to do. 
You have the strength to do what you really want to do with your life and not drown in tuma. 
The first steps are 1. Knowing that you really want most of us know 1,000% that shmutz is NOT what we want! Some people are not convinced yet and struggle with that for a long time, but once you know for sure it gets easier. 
2. Knowing that you can fight the YH. 
It looks like you have the told already so go out there and win!
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