Being around so many Jews here in E”Y is soo difficult for Shmiras Eynayim.
Been having tons of taiva.
I especially feel a deep need to be with a woman, would love to start shidduchim already…

Had this talk with my sister about it, discussed what my “core values” are which kinda put me in an existential crisis of sorts since last Thursday…
Also my sis mentioned today that this girl she had thought of for me (who I have been pretty into) she doesn’t think is “what I’m looking for” so feeling bad, it’s funny though cuz I can’t marry the whole world…

Been pushing myself to do minyanim since y’k as it’s one of my two kabolos.
The other one is going back to my kosher phone in USA and using the iPhone as my laptop rather than having both a laptop and an iPhone…

I feel such a longing to explore and accomplish here in E”Y, to travel to all these places etc but yet I’m being held back from fear. Havent been back here since Yeshiva 3 years ago and so I’m looking for something but something internal holds me back…

Anyway, I hope to go do some research in a city tomorrow so that’s def tons of fun for me. Hope I can wake up early enough.

Also I’m still clean Baruch HaShem. Really need to be mechazeik in looking around on the streeets though, supermarkets etc as there’s a lot of young couples where I’m at…
Also, we’re having these seminary girls for every single meal. I got no idea what in GD’s name I’m gonna so (and obv one of them is the girl I liked sister)…

YeshivaGuy wrote on 08 Oct 2022 22:57:

 I have also felt that being around Jews here in EY makes the struggle harder because it feels more accessable and possible that I can "make something out of it" C"V

Up till like 4:30AM last night dealing with taiva.. Madterbated.
didn’t watch porn though. Keeping the number thing for that.Going around to tons of gedoilim in Bnei brak today (got connections), I really didn’t wanna masterbate cuz then they’ll see it on my forehead…

Now I gotta get goin to Bnei Brak exhausted and tamei…
Gut moed I suppose

Hi Yeshivaguy I feel your pain, but please do not look at yourself as tamei! I don't even mean in the sense of tumas keri. You as a person are very very tahor and you are not walking around with a stain on yourself. When others look at you I am sure they see a very sweet and connected person trying their best to grow. Please try to look at yourself with that same compassion and understanding.

HI YG,
You are so lucky to be in EY.
I wish I was there too. Its been 10+ since I have been there.
You are not timeh, rather you are a holy Jew just like the rest of us. I am sure when you go to the gedolim they will only see the kedushah around you. 
Ask them for a bracha for a good shidduch and other things that you need

EYEs

So I went to “the gedoilim.”
Broke 12 day porn free streak (porn means anything on internet, YouTube etc).

I made two kabbolos on YK. One of them will fix the prob hopefully.
I plan upon returning to the USA to go back to kosher phone and use filtered iPhone as my laptop.

Why? What does that fix?

Because even a filtered device (like in my case) have loopholes. If you’re always using it then odds are you’ll get bored and…
For this reason I made such a kabola.
Terrifying and reluctant to post here but am doing it because I really don’t think it will affect my job much, after all my own boss doesn’t have WhatsApp himself!!

Going to gedolai yisrael really makes me want to return to Yeshiva. I was going to ask R’ Gershon Edelstein today point blank if I should break my work contract and go back but didn’t have time, was rushed past him fast…

Tomorrow I’m giving a shiur in front of a lot of my uncles, family etc who are big talmidei chachamim, roshei kollelim, mashgichim etc so I gotta still figure out what I’m saying.
Trying to not have this get me down.

I just really wanted to not be nichshal again…

Gut Moed

Everyone was super impressed by my drasha bh. Guess I still got it…
Surprisingly got chizuk from a pretty Israeli chareidi uncle of mine in kollel all life about how it’s not bad to not be doing yeshiva full time since it’s ratzon Hashem.

Never would have expected that coming from him.

Shmiras eynayim here has really been difficult. The fam went to a modern uncle in a modern city here for shabbos which was super hard. His kids had tons of girls over fri night and throughout shabbos. And even though they’re just 9th graders, it conjures up memories of all I missed out on and didn’t do when I was that age.

It’s really a relationship that I want, just need a healthy way to direct all this.

Spent all night at the kotel bh. Spent all night did all of Sefer tehilim. Hadn’t done it before, was amazing and shachris was also great.
Even wrote a deep poem throughout the night as well.

But then heading back seeing all these women, b’kitzur was nichshul with porn when got back.
Definetly not the best way to spend Hoshana Rabba.
So I’m pretty bummed out. Also don’t have the time to go to mikva as it’s almost Yom Tov.

I can only hope and ask that the Creator may look at me and see I want to be pure and I don’t see a path before me. And so as Succos winds down, all I can say, with tears in my eyes gazing up to the heavens is הושעה נא הושיעה נא אבינו אתה

Depends on where you are staying, but maybe you can go to the mikva before davening tomorrow.

You are inspiring and amazing!!

Keep fighting! IMHO it will get easier.

HI YG
How are you?
Are back to the states yet?
We ahve not heard from you in some time.
You are on our minds and we are worried about you

GS
EYES

eyes wrote on 21 Oct 2022 01:41:

Thanks for asking.
Yes in USA.
Began fulfilling a key kabola this morning- shachris with minyan consistently, haven’t done like that for at least a year…

Next gotta make the switch back to kosher phone. Working on transferring my data from one to the other.

Arrivederci!!

I just can’t stop

YeshivaGuy wrote on 30 Oct 2022 14:59:

Brother you are with us and we are with you!

Many of us are the same - where Porn is NOT the problem. It’s the messed up solution for an extremely painful internal problem.

How are you doing on the front of confronting the problem?

Markz wrote on 30 Oct 2022 15:24:

So true. P & M for me is triggered so much more when I am depressed as I am now about a family issue. I am much more prone to fall when in emotional pain. Today is very tough. 

YG
We have your back covered 

We understand what you are going through

Hugs

Eyes

I switched phones ok, I did it.
Tons of anxiety today from not having iPhone.

Side note, Im absolutely upset with my father.
One may even use the word infuriated.

Not looking forward to this week.
Sucks that I chose to switch phones today.
Really sucks.