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TOPIC: need help 9858 Views

need help 01 Nov 2016 21:48 #297163

i finally built up the courage to write this. i am struggling for about 20 years now. it all starting reading a magazine i shouldn't have and lead to an orgasm. and things took from there. 
It wasn't always a daily struggle as at some points it was very hard for me to access magazines and movies. The fight got hard when my wife needed a computer for work and i understand technology a lot better than she does and got past anything that was put on the computer. just when i thought my then biggest problem was solved as we installed webchaver that computer broke . we got a new one but moved shortly thereafter and didn't have internet at home so didn't install it again. now i have a smartphone that my wife put restrictions on but i figured out how to bypass them. my wife a while back got the wifi password of a neighbor and although our computer has a filter its not a good one and its easy to bypass. the last few years i have my work computer to add to the picture. i am also in charge of dealing with IT stuff at work so i know all the filters that they have and how and their setup so i know where to get around them.
i know there are other options for all of my devices. however I believe pushing to get them will give away the problem. which will lead to people that wont be a help -rather the contrary- to find out.  

Re: need help 01 Nov 2016 21:52 #297165

  • Shlomo24
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Welcome. Sounds like you're in a conundrum. I struggled with filters for years also.
If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can. 

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

Re: need help 01 Nov 2016 22:28 #297166

  • dm
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Dear waited to long,

Yes, It takes a great deal of courage to post personal experience for the first time. In fact, I haven't found that courage yet.

I hope you'll find what you need here on GYE.

Good luck with you journey.

Hatzlachah Raba!

Re: need help 01 Nov 2016 22:36 #297167

  • cordnoy
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Welcome
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: need help 02 Nov 2016 01:01 #297172

  • Markz
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Welcome

Remember "Filters are not a deterrent, rather simply a fence"

Definitely setup basic filtering, but if naturally you're too tall for the fence, when it comes to filters - as I am, then of course that's not what's gonna keep us sober
My Story---------Dov Quotes




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Re: need help 03 Nov 2016 03:36 #297233

Welcome to GYE . 
I second what markz said - while filters are important your sobriety cannot be dependent on them. Throughout life you will often find yourself at various times with access to an unfiltered device or other "offline" types of shmutz . Ultimately you want to get to the point where you're not lusting , so that you don't need or want this stuff and therefore with or without a filter you won't act out . 
Many people will say that they don't want to act out , but in reality it's a simply that they're feeling guilty or scared to do so . If they weren't afraid of consequences or "divine retribution" then they would gladly act out . 
I suggest you take some time to think about why you really don't want to act out . If you can't find a good reason then start by reading the daily GYE email which often contains various ideas and perspectives on this . 
Hatzlacha ! 
Feel free to email me at BenTorah.BaalHabayis@gmail.com

1 day may be too long for me, but I take it OWAAT = One wave at a time, cause the lust comes and goes like a wave which rises and crashes.

Re: need help 03 Nov 2016 03:46 #297235

  • Moudmack
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I must agree with the others. Filters help but if you can't control yourself you will get what you want even if you have to close your eyes and have fantasies. While it's important to build fences, i think that working on yourself and resisting the temptation is the best way to overcome the addiction. It's also good practice to taking your mind away when you get your initial urge and to start to look away when their is inappropriately dressed people. If your problem is mainly with computers maybe you should get a parental control browser. On my device i use one called spin and it replaced what i used to have(chrome). For me this serves like a constant reminder and it allows me to stay safe as im not tempted to view anything since i accepted that its my default browser and downloading another browser would only be to watch improper stuff. Hope this can help.

Hatslaha Rabbah!
Last Edit: 03 Nov 2016 03:49 by Moudmack.

Re: need help 03 Nov 2016 04:10 #297238

  • Shlomo24
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I don't have a filter anymore. Under my sponsor's suggestion. He said that having a filter means that I'm not relying completely on God to stay sober. Honestly, it's kind of scary not to have one, knowing that I have the ability to have sex with someone anonymously if I really wanted to.
If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can. 

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

Re: need help 03 Nov 2016 07:31 #297243

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Shlomo24 wrote on 03 Nov 2016 04:10:
I don't have a filter anymore. Under my sponsor's suggestion. He said that having a filter means that I'm not relying completely on God to stay sober. Honestly, it's kind of scary not to have one, knowing that I have the ability to have sex with someone anonymously if I really wanted to.

Gosh that's scary. I feel I'd crash and burn in a split second. Guess I'm not sober yet
In the context of the Gemora in Shabbos, where he was sitting under the tree and his kippah blew off and he proceeded to scale the tree and chow the fruit, if you compare the kippah to the filter, then you're saying this ga'on was addicted and couldn't help himself?
And I feel like it's the story of the guy waiting on the roof saying "G-d will save me" from the flood. And the boat and helicopter come by and he passes the up. Perhaps filters is the means to rely completely on G-d. It's the hishtadlus involved. Not saying it's the cure, but it's a plug so the enemy can't also infiltrate through the weakened blocks in the insignificant corner of your fortress.
but just imho 
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


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Re: need help 03 Nov 2016 13:24 #297252

i`m sorry i wasn't so clear. i have been reading the handbook and the 12 step program and working on the issue as i understand that filters alone is not the answer. and i commend shlomo24 that you can do that. but I believe filters are a great help when starting out. as i find sometimes while putting in time reading and actually trying to see what`s working for me there is an added focus on the topic. As even on  crazy busy days with no time to think i try to make time to work on it. and its often on those days when stress is highest is when i`m the most susceptible . and that`s why i feel filters play such a crucial role in the beginning.

Re: need help 03 Nov 2016 13:45 #297254

  • Newleaf354
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Filters aren't the solution, but still, I have a filter and even though I've found some ways around it and in really weak moments I've looked for porn and found it, still, the stuff I found wasn't nearly as graphic or triggering, as "bad," as what I would have found without the filter.  It still does something.  And it's sort of like training wheels.  I think it is unwise in early recovery, while a person is still acting out frequently, to go ahead and ride without training wheels in the name of proving myself and my reliance on G-d.  Not to mention it is not really halachically sound--there's the gemara about a person who has two paths--one where women are bathing along the way and another which is longer but more tznius; if he takes the first path and guards his eyes the whole way, he is still considered a rasha because it is our job to stay away from danger, not to put ourselves into tests when we have the choice.  Putting ourselves up to the test, when we had a choice not to, is already a failure.

I had a sponsor once when I was early in the program and he got me all scared and got me doing all sorts of things until I finally realized the guy was a psychopath.  Since I was new to the program, I thought this was how it was supposed to work--blindly following a sponsor because he is supposed to have the word of G-d on his lips.  I was lucky enough to be smart enough to realize something was wrong, and I've since had sponsors that are much more balanced, sensible, and reasonable.

Even on the job, even as an IT person, there are still precautions you can take.  Tell a safe person in the office that you prefer not to have open-access to the internet and set up something where SOMEONE ELSE has the password, or gets a report of your internet activity.  I can't tell you something specific and you should use your sechel, but there's got to be SOMETHING to do.

And, besides the filter, ALSO work on your attitudes and everything else that is driving you to seek shmutz.  These are supplementary, not mutually exclusive.

--NL354
Last Edit: 03 Nov 2016 13:48 by Newleaf354.

Re: need help 03 Nov 2016 13:53 #297255

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waited to long wrote on 03 Nov 2016 13:24:
 and its often on those days when stress is highest is when i`m the most susceptible .

THAT'S IT!  If you can work on that, figuring out what's stressing you out, or why you get so stressed out, and figure out "how to face calamity with serenity," you will very likely feel a lot less compelled to seek the comfort and release and pleasure of acting out.

--NL354
Last Edit: 03 Nov 2016 13:53 by Newleaf354.

Re: need help 03 Nov 2016 15:28 #297260

  • Shlomo24
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I'm the same person who has told his (previous) sponsor that "I will never get a smartphone." But God has a different plan for me, and my addiction works in interesting ways. Sex and porn aren't the cause of my problems, I am the cause of my problems. So if I'm connected to God, then I'll be sober, if not, I'll sure as hell find a way not to be sober. I was about to write that I believe that at some points a filter is necessary. But looking back at my own experiences, a filter has never helped. But I'm an addict. I think that there probably is sound logic why a filter would help a non-addict. But I do think that limiting access as a whole might be helpful. For example, the first step for an alcoholic is to get rid of his alcohol. So if I had a sponsee, theoretically who had a stash of porn magazines and a smartphone, I would probably tell him/her to clean house and get a dumb phone. Later on in recovery that could change.
If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can. 

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

Re: need help 03 Nov 2016 17:41 #297269

  • cordnoy
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II was/am an addict and a filter helped in the beginning.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: need help 03 Nov 2016 20:30 #297277

  • gibbor120
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Welcome!  A filter is kind of like a heker.  It won't stop you, it may make you think twice.  You cannot rely on that as your main "recovery" method since it is not a method at all.  Read the handbook.  Keep posting.  The main change must come from within.  I still do think that filters are helpful, but perhaps in your case, not as much as for others, since you can get around them so easily.  I wouldn't harp on that part so much.  Figure out what you can do to change yourself.
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