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Re: On board at last 20 Apr 2012 13:21 #136000

  • chaimyakov
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B'chasdei HASHEM YISBORACH, another day sober another test or two.

Very uplifting Pesach. The Rav's Shabbos HaGadol drush encouraged all to connect with their Neshama and realize that it is a part of you. It fights for dominance with the guf and mostly loses because the guf has "home court advantage". Our purpose in this world is to connect to the neshama and nullify the guf as much as we can and still live physically. He directed us to ask the following when something upsets or bothers us, "Is this bothering my guf or my neshama?"
That question has helped me reach a new understanding of what bothers me and who is running my show. It should come as no surprise to anyone here that my guf has been running the show almost entirely with only short recesses. This awareness has allowed me to reconnect to davening, learning and mitzvohs and is also helping me disregard my anger since it is almost always guf related.
So the challenge, yesterday during a wonderful Mincha, out of nowhere,well probably because of a couple of glances(longer than needed of course) that afternoon, an old "friend" joined me. Graphic images from the past streaming through my head(if only the Gemarrah i learn will someday be so important to me to do the same), i had to stop and redirect and give it up. Mincha continued but not on the same plane as before. Printer problems at work had kept me from being able to print some things i needed for today so after maariv i headed to the office. My pal the yh had a great idea that since no one else would be there i could go on someone else's computer and have a great time. Well i pulled out my phone gave a friend a call. He wasn't available but i left him the message. Poof, as if magic, the yh had somewhere else he was supposed to be and said good night. i went in, printed the report and left. Going to my SA meeting at lunch time and looking forward to a wonderful Shabbos with my family and HASHEM.

Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov

Re: On board at last 20 Apr 2012 14:42 #136009

  • AlexEliezer
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CY,
Thanks for sharing that vort.
The mincha story demonstrates how important it is for us to always remain vigilant. Because a small slip will lead quickly to bigger slips if we let it. Fortunately, you caught yourself and got back on track. This is how we do it!
Have a wonderful Shabbos with your family!
Alex

Re: On board at last 27 Apr 2012 14:20 #136411

  • chaimyakov
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Webchaver has just taught me another lesson. Last week an enticing headline caught my eye and i clicked on the story to read about it. No images just words. Well it showed up on my report and frankly, i can't believe i wanted to read the story in the first place. This is similar, imho, to what will take place at The Final Judgment. We will be handed or shown a list of our shortcomings and we will go down the list and ask ourselves, why why why why. Did i gain from it? Did it help me in any way? Was it of such value that i even remember it?
Still living and struggling and sober.
Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov

Re: On board at last 27 Apr 2012 15:47 #136418

  • obormottel
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That limud is precious. I am petrified that after my "journey" in this world, they will sit me down and make me watch a movie about my life, and I will be forced to see myself doing all these dirty deeds to disgusting images, videos, and fantasies in the foreground.
I wonder if there is a chance that if I ever do proper tshuva, they'll let me fastforward the especially disturbing parts...
Baby steps.
If the road is pulling you down, it's a sign that you are going uphill, so just press harder on the gas!

Have a great day - unless, of course, you made other plans.

Re: On board at last 27 Apr 2012 15:56 #136419



Dear O'mottel - Hi - pleased to meet you.

obormottel wrote on 27 Apr 2012 15:47:

I wonder if there is a chance that if I ever do proper tshuva, they'll let me fastforward the especially disturbing parts...


Hashgacha pratis that just this morning I learned Mesilas Yeshorim (end of perek dalet) where he says that when one does proper teshuva, the charata is like charata of a neder which is 'oker lemifraya' as if it never existed. May we all be zoche to that.

MT

Re: On board at last 14 May 2012 13:50 #137243

  • chaimyakov
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i am going through the toughest stretch i have experienced since joining. The details aren't important and further, they would "out" me in my locality. Life is tough and right now it seems tougher sober. My "meds" would make me feel so good.
Everything will be perfect if only



..... i remain sober. Life in active addiction was/is terrible for me. Did i ever have a good day without my "meds"? Could i handle things without being "doped up"? Was i any good to myself or others? Of course not!!!! Did/do i really think that 6+ months sober and i should be cured? Life, imho, is full of struggles. Isn't that pshat in "against your will you live"? Right now, i am working on earning my degree in "Living Life Sober" and the unannounced "quizzes" are the worst.
Thanks Guard for all you have done for us and for providing me a place to vent. Thanks all for putting up with my shtus.
Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov

ps. Thanks Dov for my signature line.

Re: On board at last 14 May 2012 14:01 #137246

  • obormottel
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Nothing can be so bad, that it can't be made worse by acting out. I try to remember that. "We have to suffer to get well" says the White Book. Not a very comforting thought, but at least we know we're getting well.
G-d love you,
Mottel
Baby steps.
If the road is pulling you down, it's a sign that you are going uphill, so just press harder on the gas!

Have a great day - unless, of course, you made other plans.

Re: On board at last 14 May 2012 14:12 #137247

  • Gevura Shebyesod
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Hang in there CY!

That's the way it is. When things get tough we instinctively run back to our "tzummy", to that which soothed and comforted us in the past. We need to remind ourselves that we were deluded and it was a false, sugar-coated comfort, and in the end we would feel even worse than before.

Hope the springs on your truck are in good shape!

Gevura!
!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through...


"If it would be so easy there wouldn't be a GYE, but if it would be impossible there also wouldn't be a GYE."

"Sometimes a hard decision leads to an easier outcome."

- General Grant



My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

Re: On board at last 14 May 2012 14:34 #137249

Dear CY,

Hi (not sure we met before). Hurts to read about a fellow struggler's struggles. We daven for you that Hashem will ease your burden and let you enjoy the holy ways of life.

Allow me to share a story that I read yesterday in R' Zilberstein's sefer "Veha'arev Na":

The Maggid of Yerushalyim, R’ Sholom Schwadron zt”l used to give a Gemara Shiur to some Yidden who were not yet totally committed to Yiddishkeit. These participants would be absent from the Shiur quite often. Except for one fellow whom they called the “Ner Tamid” - he would never miss a Shiur. Neither strong rains nor scorching heat waves would deter him from participating. That was until one day, when this fellow did not show up - and the next day too - and for about a week he was absent from the Shiur. R’ Sholom figured that this guy is surely not feeling well. So when he returned after a week of absence, R’ Sholom remarked to him, “I’m happy to see that you are feeling better”. And the young man replied that he had been feeling well all along. “So why did you not come to the Shiur all week?”, asked R’ Sholom. The young man sheepishly explained that the past week he was busy watching the international soccer tournament. “Excuse my ignorance, but can you please explain to me what that’s all about?”, asked R’ Sholom. The guy explained that this is a sport where people kick a ball around. “What’s the big deal about that?”, asked R’ Sholom, “I can also kick a ball around”. So he explained that the objective was to get the ball into a ‘goal’. “So what?”, persisted R’ Sholom, “Let’s go to the park and I’ll show you that I too can kick the ball into the ‘goal’.” So the guy explained, “But in the game there are many opponents who try to prevent you from reaching the goal. And the challenge is to overcome all obstacles, and one who can always reach the goal despite all obstacles is considered a hero. “Aha!”, exclaimed R’ Sholom. “May your ears listen to what your mouth has spoken. So the true challenge is to overcome all your obstacles and reach the ultimate goal without allowing your opponent to stop you. That indeed is a true hero.”

Dear CY - and the rest of the team (including myself) - let's stay focused on our 'goal' and win the game. Amen

MT

Re: On board at last 14 May 2012 20:07 #137274

  • chaimyakov
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Thanks Mottel & Gevura.
Machshova, sorry we haven't "met" sooner, but i am thoroughly pleased to have "met" you now. The moshel is very fitting and certainly timed Min Hashamayim. Thank you.

K'shem she'm'varchim al haTov, kach m'varchim al haRa.

Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov

Re: On board at last 15 May 2012 20:17 #137417

  • chaimyakov
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B'chasdei HASHEM Yisborach another sober day and another rotten day with more in the forecast.

My worst day sober is still better than my best day "drunk on lust" .

Hatzlacha in all things GOOD!
chaimyakov

Re: On board at last 15 May 2012 20:31 #137424

A great tzaddik (from the Slonimer ones) said right before he was niftar, that all the days of his life were now being replayed to him. And behold, the days that he thought were 'lechtig' and full of hislahavus, were not being displayed as such lechtig days; while the days that he thought were dark, without cheshek, and he had to force himself with his avoda, those days are being displayed as very lechtig.

So what you think is your worst day may actually be your best day up there.

Chazak chazak!

MT

Re: On board at last 15 May 2012 20:59 #137433

  • Eye.nonymous
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Good luck getting through this, CY, whatever it is.

--Elyah

Re: On board at last 16 May 2012 00:56 #137453

  • obormottel
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G-d must have something special in store for you if He's sending you a tough test.
Please G-d it should be over in no time.
Mottel
Baby steps.
If the road is pulling you down, it's a sign that you are going uphill, so just press harder on the gas!

Have a great day - unless, of course, you made other plans.

Re: On board at last 16 May 2012 11:59 #137473

  • jewish jew
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And (Ober)Mottel what about you, now that you don't have the normal work and you are having a hard time? There must be something special for you too.

All the best JJ
The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it’s connection
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