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On board at last
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TOPIC: On board at last 4499 Views

Re: On board at last 06 Nov 2013 01:14 #222863

  • ZemirosShabbos
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Mazel Tov!
KUYGW!
lechaim!
Sometimes life is like tuna with not enough mayonaise
~Inna beshem ZS

Give, Forgive
~Cordnoy

The reason I'm acting as if I'm pregnant, is because I'm expecting. I should be accepting.
~TZ

Re: On board at last 06 Nov 2013 03:03 #222871

  • Dov
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A sweet Mazel Tov to you and yours, and above all, a sweet sober day today.
Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"

Re: On board at last 06 Nov 2013 03:33 #222881

  • gibbor120
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MAZAL TOV! Thanks for sharing the great news!

Re: On board at last 27 Nov 2013 22:35 #224160

  • chaimyakov
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To thine own self be true.

Last week i had the "opportunity" to get angry. That in itself is nothing new. Almost reflexively i asked myself, "why are you angry?" After thinking about it for a while, i realized that what angered me was i missed out on some kavod(honor) that i was looking forward to(subconsciously). Shortly thereafter i felt better having learned a bit more about the complex being that i am.

This on the surface has nothing to do with my addiction to lust, but it has everything to do with it. Without being honest with/about myself in order to live sober, i never would have given myself the chance to see this aspect of my character. Quite possibly i wouldn't have been able to even see this in myself. Not only didn't i run off to be consoled by p&m, but i gained insight into improving myself.

Thanks Guard, GYE & SA for helping me learn to live.

Here is to a wonderful Hanukah for all.
Hatzlacha in all things GOOD!
chaimyakov

Re: On board at last 05 Dec 2013 12:51 #224496

  • JordanBloom
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Hi,

I am relatively new here and just read this thread from start to finish and enjoyed it so much, so many great insights, so many fears and concerns expressed that I relate to, and itwas like reading a great novel that I didn't know where the story was going - (hope is continues to have a happy ending!!). I am 5 weeks clean today which is great for me and the longest such stretch I can remember but am still so scared of the future, afraid to grow spiritually because in the past that led to swift immediate falls so trying to do it slowly. I also have had major slip ups when I travel as unique opportunities present themselves and am afraid I will give in when I have the chance next, be it in a month or a year.
Very much enjoyed the struggle of getting used to lying so so so much and trying now to stop. Want to live a single life and not 2 or 3 or 4. My struggle has changed from day to day over the past few weeks - what I lust for has changed. I hope I can continue to grow each day and become a little bit closer to H-shem, my wife, my kids.... What scares me the most is if I fall that it will be as this never happened, like I never logged in, this is what happened in the past - that I chose that life over this one because externally they are pretty similar but I get to enjoy the lust too! - guess I have to convince myself more convincingly that this is the one I really want - that is still a struggle.
Thank you everyone for sharing so much over the last 2+ years and thanks for listening!!!!!
David

Re: On board at last 06 Dec 2013 02:22 #224515

  • gibbor120
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Hi JB! Stick around. There is lots to learn here and some great chevra to "hang out" with.

Re: On board at last 06 Dec 2013 23:34 #224565

  • chaimyakov
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JB/David, welcome. For me, the future always pulled me down from behind. What do i mean by that? i was always looking for this day/week/month/etc. to be THE clean one and when i fell i let the whole thing fall with me. "Well since i ruined it this time, i might as well not even try until next time". The beast that i was, would tear me down and tell me that anything GOOD i may have accomplished was gone and worthless since i fell. Lies, lies and darn lies! A parable i heard just this morning from Rabbi Shafier(The Shmuz): The best baseball player in the league makes $Millions a year simply because he hits the ball 30-35 times out of a hundred tries. He doesn't hit a home run each time, he just moves forward to first base. The other 65-70 times out of 100 he fails. If he can maintain this "amazing" accomplishment for 20 or so years he will make it into the baseball Hall of Fame easily. All the more so for us.
We have to fight and our goal is progressive victories over lust, not perfection. Only HASHEM is perfect. So take it easy, one minute at a time, then an hour at a time, then a day at a time, but probably never more than that. The past is gone, the future is yet to be and all we have is now.
Hatzlacha in all things GOOD!
chaimyakov

Re: On board at last 06 Dec 2013 23:50 #224567

  • chaimyakov
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i had been looking forward to attending an SA meeting today and did some major rearranging to be able to do so. i was driving through crazy lunchtime traffic hoping to get there on time. i pull into the huge church where the meetings are held, fight for a parking spot amongst the preschool parents picking their children up and walk all the way across the enormous lot with beard, kippah and tzitzis for all to see. Chilul HASHEM??? i think not, p&m with "no one" watching, now that is chilul HASHEM imho. i get into the elevator already late and push the button. i get to the meeting room and the lights are out. i walk in turn the lights on and wait. After a few minutes, i take out the book and start the meeting, "Hi my name is chaimyakov and I am a sexaholic. My sobriety date is October 31st. This is a closed meeting, only those seeking sobriety for themselves are welcome. We will read selections from the SA White Book." Since no one else is there, i open the book and begin reading. i miss the fellowship but i find a gem in the book that "called my name" and feel the need to share.
"Without G-D, I can't;
Without me, G-D won't."
It was a great meeting, maybe i will see you there next time.
Hatzlacha in all things GOOD!
chaimyakov

Re: On board at last 09 Dec 2013 14:42 #224667

  • JordanBloom
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Hi,

Thanks for the advice - it is strange because it feels like it has gotten a little easier dealing with lust, i am b"H clean for almost 40 days and havent had that in many many years and its been very nice to want to go to minyan 3 times a day and feel a little bit in control, but I also feel one day the "Drive" will awaken inside of me stronger then it is now and I wont have a chance. I havent been doing 12 steps or calls or meetings and am not sure what I should be doing. I come on here a few times a week but dont have a set sponsor yet or anything. I have had an above usual amount of stress and free time lately yet have stayed away which is encouraging but still trying to figure out who I am if that makes sense. I have been this guy with a big secret and horrible behavior that is bad for my marriage and spirituality for so long - now I am still that guy but am just temporarily not practicing that behavior? am I different now? what about all my other shortcomings that I always blamed on some level on my deviant behavior - still have those - sorry for the rambling its just exciting and lonely and depressing and hopeful all at the same time.
For a while things were good with my wife but they arent great at the moment. It also takes work to separate resisting unhealthy lust by comforting myself that at least I have a wife to enjoy being with sometimes because if things stall in that area you still have to behave - a lot to work through.
Appreciate feedback.
Thanks
D

Re: On board at last 09 Dec 2013 20:41 #224676

  • gibbor120
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Your thoughts and feelings are completely normal. Over time, you will see what works and what does not.

Re: On board at last 08 Feb 2014 01:12 #227493

  • chaimyakov
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Last night i fell and the pain is still with me. i can see now exactly what happened. i can see every step leading up to the fall. i wasn't watching were i was going, nor did i care at the time. i wasn't in control of my emotions. i wasn't focused. my eyes strayed(actually they went exactly where i wanted them to go). Everything happened so quickly that once i slipped i couldn't stop the fall. There was no pleasure only pain. i was embarrassed. my clothes were a mess. i was stunned, was i dreaming or did this really just happen. As i was sitting there i thought i heard my wife's voice, it was then that i realized that she had seen everything. i am crying as i am writing this and i imagine many of you think you know how i feel because you have been in similar situations yourselves. Then i heard her voice louder and clearer, "Are you alright?" I reached for my yarmulke and did a quick inventory and quietly answered, "i think so." It was then, in the dim light, that i saw that i had tripped on an asphalt curb sending me head first over the bushes onto the sidewalk. i stood up and slowly walked to our car. When we got there i bandaged my hand, took some tylenol and doubled checked the sharp pain in my side, no broken ribs just bruised. Other than my hand,elbow, shoulder, ribs and some lacerations and bruising i am ok, B'chasdei HASHEM Yisborach.
So what does this have to do with GYE and my recovery other than being a shtickle Adar humor? Maybe quite a bit or maybe nothing. i know nothing of the realm of the neshama(spirit). i don't know any of the code in HASHEM's "accounting" system. i have no concept of spiritual reward and punishment. But now maybe i have a mushel(parable) that i can use to relate to that which i dont know anything about. i can see the damage caused by a physical fall. i can see the blood and scabs and maybe there will be scars after they heal. i feel the pain when i turn, when i breath, when i lift my arms.
Will this help me or you, only time will tell. But right now the pain is real and with me and i am trying my best to make the most of it and put it to a positive use.

Hatzlacha in all things GOOD!
chaimyakov

Re: On board at last 08 Feb 2014 02:04 #227498

  • Gevura Shebyesod
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That was a scary story! I feel weird that i'm relieved that it was "only" a physical fall and not a GYE one.

Have a Refua Sheleima and a great Shabbos!
!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through...


"If it would be so easy there wouldn't be a GYE, but if it would be impossible there also wouldn't be a GYE."

"Sometimes a hard decision leads to an easier outcome."

- General Grant



My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

Re: On board at last 14 Feb 2014 23:58 #227698

  • Dov
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Great share, CY, thanks. You are really a recovering person working a program, man.

Two things it reminded me of:

A few years ago when I was about 7 or 8 years clean and didn't consider that a very long time or that precious a thing, really, and casually remarked to my wife that evening, "Hey, I lost my sobriety today..."

I had watched some TV somewhere at work that day and disappointed myself.

Before getting a chance to clarify that what I really meant was my 'TV sobriety' (cuz I had agreed w myself to swear off TV anywhere for a while), she started to cry. After clarifying myself, I hugged her and cried and apologized for my callousness in kidding about a thing that meant so much and had such dire consequences. I learned to remember that she loves me and knows what a pervert I am, and knows that once I act out my lust in some 'little' way like with porn or whatever, I will be just as subject to the very demoralizing and destructive things I do when I act out. What a lesson.

The second thing ur post reminded me of was that I was once running down a dark corridor on the side of the beis midrash to the restroom before shacharis (it was still dark out), cuz i wanted to get my tefilin on and say brachos before the minyan started, etc. But then I remembered that yesterday there was a chair in the middle of that pitch dark hallway. Well, there I saw myself. barrelling down the hallway - if the chair was there I would not know till I was over it and would surely trip over it and sprawl onto the floor. I had recently broken some bones in a fall, too, so I knew the pain of that. Well, the fear of what clear and present danger I was subjecting myself to struck me viscerally. Wow. I was shaking (literally) cuz i realized how utterly sure i felt of myself - and how precarious things really were, just a few seconds before.

When we barrel down the dark corridor of life without seeing what's there, we really are being suicidally stupid. This is not a moshol or guzma. People die (and do very damaging addiction behaviors) every day from just such overconfidence.

It's good not to be a teenager any more.

Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"

Re: On board at last 04 Mar 2014 21:54 #228456

  • chaimyakov
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i have a tiny scar that i expect will disappear shortly and a touch of soreness by my ribs. Lessons learned(hopefully) watch where you are going even while you are being careful not to see anything you shouldn't and watch what you say, even a touch of humor can misfire and cause others pain.

apropos of nothing, just a saying i read the other day.
"if you want to do something you will find a way to do it, and if you don't you will find an excuse"

Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov
Last Edit: 05 Mar 2014 16:07 by chaimyakov. Reason: misquote

Re: On board at last 06 Mar 2014 19:38 #228574

  • chaimyakov
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Question:
i am afraid of porn, thus admitting it has negative power over me and potentially others as well. i used to think that porn could fix all that ailed me, thus having positive power over me and potentially others. How does my current belief differ if at all from my previous belief other than positive vs negative?

Hatzlacha in all things GOOD!
chaimyakov
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