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TOPIC: On board at last 4500 Views

Re: On board at last 24 Jul 2012 15:55 #142303

  • obormottel
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Chaimyakov,
How's life treating you today?
Baby steps.
If the road is pulling you down, it's a sign that you are going uphill, so just press harder on the gas!

Have a great day - unless, of course, you made other plans.

Re: On board at last 30 Jul 2012 13:19 #142624

  • chaimyakov
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B'chasdei HASHEM Yisborach, today is a GOOD day.
How about you Mottel? i know you have been through some tremendous struggles lately. i hope you are seeing GOOD from all you are going through.

BTW, i hope to attend the Siyum Wednesday evening. Any of you care to meet with me in person? i'll be easy to recognize, dark suit, beard, tzitzis etc.. lol seriously, pm if you would like to get together.

Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov

Re: On board at last 10 Aug 2012 17:27 #143423

  • chaimyakov
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B'chasdei HASHEM Yisborach still living the sober life.
Tough week, so glad i made it through sober. Met with my Rav and he told me "One of the tricks of the yh is to get you to think that the problems around you are so much greater than your own problems. Therefore, you don't really need to deal with your problem at all." i just smiled and told him that the yh had been bombarding me with that message for the past 48 hours. Funny haven't heard from the old yh since, at least not that message. Based on our discussion my Rav asked me to post the following question on the board:
For those of you whose wife knows of your problem, if you told her of your problem rather than her discovering it on her own, knowing what you know now, are you glad you told her or do you wish you hadn't? please elaborate.

my Rav thinks that it will only make things worse in the majority of cases including mine. He is recommending ways to fix the underlying damage that my addiction has caused our relationship without ever telling her of my "companion" of these oh so many years -pornography. Thoughts, suggestions, anything?????

Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov

Re: On board at last 12 Aug 2012 12:32 #143489

  • AlexEliezer
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Following is a quote from my thread in the Baalei Batim's section.

alexeliezer wrote on 27 Jan 2012 19:08:


Telling the wife

Since discovering I was an addict (here, almost 3 years ago) and getting sober, I staunchly and stubbornly kept my secret from my wife. She had enough on her plate dealing with the kids. I didn't want to burden her. I didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling what I had been up to for 18 years of our marriage. I didn't want to blow her image of me.

I didn't want to give up my fantasy life completely. As long as she didn't know, I had a footbridge back to my drug, sneaking hits in the bedroom.

I thought she was no worse off not knowing. I was solidly in recovery, right?

Wrong! Had a told her after getting solidly into recovery (maybe six months), things could have been very different. She would have understood why, despite good communication and really good sex, we just weren't connected. And if you've read this far, you know where that led her.

She could have been taking down her wall for the past 2-1/2 years, instead of ignoring the changes in me. She would not have suffered [edited for main forum]. She could have helped me over the final hurdles, repairing the damage to my relationship with her and with my children, leading me down the path of true love, true intimacy.

So I'm here to say I was dead wrong. She should have been told. We both would have been much better off.

I am enjoying being with her so much more. Because I am truly with her. It is nothing short of amazing. I don't miss the lust. I don't miss the fantasy. I just can't get enough of her.

Re: On board at last 13 Aug 2012 16:11 #143561

With all due respect:

Lately I see people posting (or pasting) stuff here from the Baalei Batim's (BB) section. I hope this doesn't get out of hand. After all, this is not the BB section. I happen to be eligible for the BB section, but I never went there cuz I want to stay away from discussions about other people's wives and intimacies etc. Please respect my phobias.

Thanks

MT

Re: On board at last 13 Aug 2012 16:56 #143565

  • AlexEliezer
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Fair enough. This question would be better addressed (and in fact has) in the married section.

Re: On board at last 14 Aug 2012 07:13 #143632

  • Eye.nonymous
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chaimyakov wrote on 10 Aug 2012 17:27:

Funny haven't heard from the old yh since, at least not that message.


I find when I think I'm not really lusting and I'm on good footing--sometimes it's just that lust has crept along in different ways that I have failed to notice. If I don't work on recovery every day, I can think I'm perfectly fine though I might be filled to the brim with lust and even on the verge of acting out.

--Elyah

Re: On board at last 14 Aug 2012 12:38 #143637

  • yehoshua1
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Eye.nonymous wrote on 14 Aug 2012 07:13:



Funny haven't heard from the old yh since, at least not that message.
good footing


Funny that you say "funny".

For me it's one day at a time, so that's the footing. But can we forget that we are addicted?
Baruch Hashem, i sure do forget often and feel like I am free. But to forget in a minute of weakness, that would be bad.

I didn't tell my wife. But I think she knows on so many levels, I can't really hide my face from my wife. And a face tells a million tales.
But why don't I say then?
I am afraid of her reaction. I love her and want to be her husband. I tell her my fears, my wishes, everything, but I don't tell about my falls.

So I would like to be smart here, but to say the truth: I hope I will never need to tell my wife. For me that would mean, that she needs to be in recovery too.
That isn't so bad, when I think about it. But as Elya wrote some time in my thread: Is this working?
So my answer is now and here: it's working, baruch Hashem.

Maybe that is the mayor question...

Re: On board at last 03 Oct 2012 17:44 #145479

  • chaimyakov
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B'Rov Shvach L'HASHEM Yisborach, b'zman Simchaseinu.
i had a horrible slip on the second day of Yom Tov, in my sukkah of all places. After the seudah and bentching i went into the house to get a sefer and sat down in the sukkah to learn. From where i was sitting i saw something outside the sukkah and instantly, like a moth drawn into a flame, i was snared. i was drinking in the image and wanting and waiting for more. i didn't look away, i felt like i couldn't look away. It was just like it was before. not wanting to continue but also not wanting to stop.(Message to self-- YOU WILL NEVER BE HEALED FROM THIS!!!!!) Soon the image was gone, but i had captured it and i was replaying it over and over in my head. i davened to HASHEM to take it away, but i really didn't want HIM to, so HE didn't. i tried to focus on my learning, but again, i didn't want to let the image go so it didn't leave me. Several hours later after telling myself not to let go of the Simchas Yom Tov and wallow in self loathing and despair over and over again, i realized what needed to be done.
i have always had success with Shmairas Einayim on the street except when i was purposely looking for inticement, so i have never addressed this in my recovery, until now. I have added to my TaPhSiC and it now reads.
"i hereby make the following vow, If i purposely search for, view, or fail to look away within ~3 seconds from any improper image without first either calling my Rav, a friend from GYE or SA, or second going to the Beis Medrash and learning for 15 minutes or third reading SA literature for 10 minutes, then i will have to sell one ____ from my collection and give all the proceeds to GYE. If i do follow these steps first and still act inappropriately or i completely forget that i made this vow than i only have to give $50 to GYE. This vow is in effect from now for a period of one week and needs to be renewed at that time"

Hatzlacha in all things GOOD! and Gut Moed,
chaimyakov

Re: On board at last 03 Oct 2012 20:34 #145490

  • Dov
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Dear Chayimyakov,

Can I say something hard without being insulting (I seem to be having a rough time w that lately)? Let's hope...

The thought, "I will never be healed from this" is a terrible mistake. And an outright lie. I know many people - all kind of people, Jews (many with peyos, many without yarmulkas), goyim (religious, educated, and very boorish), marrieds and singles...who are clean and living a great life without sexual acting out. And they were all messed up with the stuff you describe.

We tell ourselves all sorts of lies, you know. And that one your head was telling you is a doozie. You can let it go and can live without it.

Yes, it's so disappointing to suffer lust even in the succah - "is no place safe?!" Apparently not. For tum'ah is not the problem - and neither are the things we see, the problem. We are the problem, not porn, not pretty women, nor even the yetzer hora - our problem is us. Our sickness is that life feels too scary for us, too complicated for us, too ugly for us, too disappointing for us, too hard for us, and/or too annoying for us to to face it by ourselves. But thanks so much for sharing it openly here! You are an amazing yid, all told.

As long as that is in us, the things we "see" will turn into things we are "locked into".

Hatzlocha with your continued healing, and may Tatty give us all an easier time of it today! (Amen)

PS. And I hope you do not have to sell any of your ____s, because I love ____s and have been working on my collection for decades, too.



Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"

Re: On board at last 04 Oct 2012 15:52 #145542

  • E-Tek
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dov wrote on 03 Oct 2012 20:34:

PS. And I hope you do not have to sell any of your ____s, because I love ____s and have been working on my collection for [s]decades[/s] a decade, too.

Re: On board at last 07 Oct 2012 16:05 #145673

  • JustKeepGoing
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Well Im certainly very curious :

Re: On board at last 07 Oct 2012 19:36 #145679

  • E-Tek
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Doesn't everyone collect __________s?
I think so.

Re: On board at last 09 Oct 2012 21:32 #145690

  • Eye.nonymous
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Just a minute there! I thought I was the only one in the world with a Celebrity Booger collection!

--Elyah

Re: On board at last 10 Oct 2012 16:02 #145740

  • chaimyakov
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Full disclosure. My name is......, i live at ......... , i work at ..... , i collect ...... , etc.
TMI .
Come to an SA meeting with me and i will tell you anything you want to know. On this forum "in front of G-D and everyone" i have to leave some things out or i might as well fill in all the blanks. With the little info that i have provided on the forum and in pm at least one person around here "knows" me.

Hatzlacha in all things GOOD!
chaimyakov

ps Dov, i can take it and more from you since you deliver the truth wrapped in love.
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