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TOPIC: My summer forum 3011 Views

Re: My summer forum 29 Jun 2022 15:52 #382612

  • Ybird
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eyes wrote on 29 Jun 2022 12:45:
Hi frank.lee,
I am a bit crazy but I think that these sexual issues and things like that should not be hidden from bochurim.

I think bochurim should know what is going on out there. They should know their triggers and be able to deal with it.

They should know how to have proper sex and what to expect.

I am totally in shock the way I was taught as a chosson.

​I think this whole taboo about sex shoud be in the open.

We cant shield the bochurim any more. You know why? if they are not told about it in a proper way, then they go to porn and google everything they need to know

Please argue if you feel different

hi.
i strongly disagree this for a general rule for everyone, i grew up chasidish Satmar in brooklyn, i never had any problems in my bucherisha years, i never knew about sex till my chusen rebbi told me (this is only partly true becouse i assumed how sex looks like based on gemures i learned but never really tought about it in depth) i never mastrubated becouse i never knew how to and never really struggled with kedusha problems becouse i was never educated about this stuff, i only started slipping after my chasuna when i was going thru some difficult chalanges, sometimes its better not to let our bucherem know about this.

i let everyone disagree this is only my own experience

Re: My summer forum 29 Jun 2022 15:55 #382613

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same here agreed!

Re: My summer forum 29 Jun 2022 17:51 #382620

  • jackthejew
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"I am a bit crazy but I think that these sexual issues and things like that should not be hidden from bochurim.

I think bochurim should know what is going on out there. They should know their triggers and be able to deal with it.

Respectfully, I think that exposing Bochurim to everything may be a bit too far. I think a proper balance can and must be struck; not completely avoiding all issues, and giving a general introduction to the body's maturing process, But to enumerate the various things that trigger people, will probably in of itself be triggering.
"They should know how to have proper sex and what to expect."
1. I'm a little bit confused as to why safe and proper sex ed would be necessary for a Bochur. Maybe refering to Chosson Classes.
2. In terms of what to expect,  I agree there may be a purpose in educating Bochurim that you will not be "missing out", rather, that saving yourself for marriage will enable you to have a more  meaningful sexual relationship with your spouse Be"h.

"I am totally in shock the way I was taught as a chosson."
B"H not married yet, so I'm not really qualified to comment, but I would say that those of us who are already somewhat sexually knowledgeable may be more prone to feeling boxed in, misunderstood, or misled when the Chosson Shmuz doesn't allow everything our porn and fantasizing problem has taught us we will need to make us happy. Again, no experience and I have no clue what your personal experience was. Just dumping the idea out there and blaming it on this part of your post.

"​I think this whole taboo about sex shoud be in the open."
Agree with this in some cases. (I placed this in a spoiler because it contains more intense terms. Also, because it's a joke.
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
"We cant shield the bochurim any more. You know why? if they are not told about it in a proper way, then they go to porn and google everything they need to know"
I believe a general explanation does suffice for regular Bochurim. I have Googled some stuff  on porn sites before when I didn't know what it was. But it was based of a phrase I saw in a review of a porn video, so I don't think that really counts.
Feel free to reach out! jackthejewgye@gmail.com I'll do my best to try and listen! 
Hashem is always with you!
Life. Learning. Liberty from the Past
Life: Actual, enjoyable living. Not to sulk through the shadows juggling the "Frum side" and "Dark side"
Learning: Learn and grow from my mistakes, triumphs, and experiences
Liberty from the Past:  To have today's struggle be Different than yesterday's
Last Edit: 29 Jun 2022 17:59 by jackthejew.

Re: My summer forum 29 Jun 2022 19:10 #382623

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It seems like everyone is saying at least similar ideas. If someone still lives in an environment that does not expose bochurim to any ideas, then no reason to tell. But if someone has access to internet (I would add even filtered) or he has friends (which for some reason you can't stop him from being friends with them) and may pick it up, then at least introduce the topic in its basic form so they can hear it in a kosher way, see The Kedusha Talk in GYE.

Re: My summer forum 02 Jul 2022 12:31 #382741

  • eyes
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Dear 01,
I totally understand your point.

You mentioned that you are single.

Just an FYI. its better to work these things out without telling your wife.
I got caught by my wife in a very interesting way.

I asked her to go on my computer for something while I was at work.

I was in a text messaging session with my sponser on google voice on my computer. She read my whole text thread and I was screwed badly. Thank G-D she didnt see anything else. I had to explain to her the whole thing and I usually try to be careful.

its not easy. I would recommend getting this whole thing settled under your belt before.....

In any case 

Ask other how their wife felt when they were told.   CRAP.

I actually changed over to a dumb phone just over 6 years ago when I got an email from GYE about a story how a man told his wife. It was bad. Go read it. its in the story section from about 6 years ago.

EYES

Re: My summer forum 02 Jul 2022 12:34 #382742

  • eyes
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Dear Yissie and LB,
I do agree, not to expose bochurim.

However, if they are on this site then something has gone wrong. 

I should be careful what I write not on the BB forum

I am sorry if I offended anyone. I will IYH try to be careful next time.

Re: My summer forum 04 Aug 2022 04:10 #384347

  • eyes
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Hi Everyone,
It has been some time.

Since my last post I have resumed university after a break
In one of my courses we are having 2 lectures on mindfulness.
I started practicing mindfulness myself.

What is mindfulness?
it is self training that one could do to stay on track and if other things come to mind they could just move the mind back to the task.
In yiddishkeit there is something called moach shalit al haliav.

www.hazeldenbettyford.org/articles/5-mindfulness-practices-to-step-up-your-recovery

Re: My summer forum 09 Aug 2022 00:29 #384493

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Hi guys
I found something on my mindfulness course that I thought would be interesting 

Self-compassion and acceptance According to leading compassion researcher Kristen Neff, having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others. Think about what the experience of compassion feels like. First, to have compassion for others you must notice that they are suffering. If you ignore that homeless person on the street, you can’t feel compassion for how difficult his or her experience is. Second, compassion involves feeling moved by others' suffering so that your heart responds to their pain (the word compassion literally means to “suffer with”). When this occurs, you feel warmth, caring, and the desire to help the suffering person in some way. Having compassion also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes, rather than judging them harshly. Finally, when you feel compassion for another (rather than mere pity), it means that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of the shared human experience. “There but for fortune go I.” Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now, how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?” Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect? You may try to change in ways that allow you to be healthier and happier, but this is done because you care about yourself, not because you are worthless or unacceptable as you are. Perhaps most importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honour and accept your humanness. Things will not always go the way you want them to. You will encounter frustrations, losses will occur, you will make mistakes, bump up against your limitations, fall short of your ideals. This is the human condition, a reality shared by all of us. The more you open your heart to this reality instead of constantly fighting against it, the more you will be able to feel compassion for yourself and all your fellow humans in the experience of life. Although self-compassion may seem similar to self-esteem, they are different in many ways. Self-esteem refers to our sense of self-worth, perceived value, or how much we like ourselves. While there is little doubt that low self-esteem is problematic and often leads to depression and lack of motivation, trying to have higher self-esteem can also be problematic. In modern Western culture, self-esteem is often based on how much we are different from others, how much we stand out or are special. If is not okay to be average, we have to feel above average to feel good about ourselves. This means that attempts to raise self-esteem may result in narcissistic, self-absorbed behaviour, or lead us to put others down in order to feel better about ourselves. We also tend to get angry and aggressive towards those who have said or done anything that potentially makes us feel bad about ourselves. The need for high self-esteem may encourage us to ignore, distort or hide personal shortcomings so that we can’t see ourselves clearly and accurately. Finally, our self-esteem is often contingent on our latest success or failure, meaning that our self-esteem fluctuates depending on ever-changing circumstances.
 In contrast to self-esteem, self-compassion is not based on self-evaluations. People feel compassion for themselves because all human beings deserve compassion and understanding, not because they possess some particular set of traits (pretty, smart, talented, and so on). This means that with self-compassion, you don’t have to feel better than others to feel good about yourself. Self-compassion also allows for greater self-clarity, because personal failings can be acknowledged with kindness and do not need to be hidden. Moreover, self-compassion isn’t dependent on external circumstances, it’s always available – especially when you fall flat on your face! Research indicates that in comparison to selfesteem, self-compassion is associated with greater emotional resilience, more accurate selfconcepts, more caring relationship behaviour, as well as less narcissism and reactive anger. Many things in life cannot be changed, or at least not in the short term. Consider how learning to accept can alleviate stress. It can transform a problem into a non-problem. It was merely the attitude which determined if it were a problem or not. When we accept situations which we previously refused to accept, or accept what it will take to deal with them, we experience major releases of stress and increases in effective action. Refusal to accept is to ignore the obvious, which, of course, does not make the problem go away. With the peace of mind which follows acceptance we find a new resourcefulness and courage which can be used to deal much more effectively with our situation. Denial and nonacceptance consumes an enormous amount of energy and achieves nothing useful with it. Acceptance is not an excuse for inaction. It may be that we need to wait or it may be that we need to act. If we are lost in the forest we have to accept that we are lost and start taking our bearings. It does not mean that we will stay there.

Re: My summer forum 15 Aug 2022 18:59 #384713

  • future paltiel
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eyes wrote on 29 Jun 2022 12:45:
Hi frank.lee,
I am a bit crazy but I think that these sexual issues and things like that should not be hidden from bochurim.

I think bochurim should know what is going on out there. They should know their triggers and be able to deal with it.

They should know how to have proper sex and what to expect.

I am totally in shock the way I was taught as a chosson.

​I think this whole taboo about sex shoud be in the open.

We cant shield the bochurim any more. You know why? if they are not told about it in a proper way, then they go to porn and google everything they need to know

Please argue if you feel different

hi.
i strongly disagree this for a general rule for everyone, i grew up chasidish Satmar in brooklyn, i never had any problems in my bucherisha years, i never knew about sex till my chusen rebbi told me (this is only partly true becouse i assumed how sex looks like based on gemures i learned but never really tought about it in depth) i never mastrubated becouse i never knew how to and never really struggled with kedusha problems becouse i was never educated about this stuff, i only started slipping after my chasuna when i was going thru some difficult chalanges, sometimes its better not to let our bucherem know about this.

i let everyone disagree this is only my own experienceHi rabbosai,
 I believe you are both right. There are bochurim like our friend Ybird who bH had the zechus of not falling for Pornography or Masturbation and keeping their kedusha until marriage and I am very proud of them. Nevertheless, it is definitely not everybody's case and many have fell, struggled for years even until today, carrying it in their marriages and paying the heavy price. 
Therefore, It is difficult to establish a general rule o  whether bochurim should be thaught or not.
Rabbi A. J  Twerski Zatsal was of the opinion that parents nowadays should teach their children. "It is not the same world you grew up in and certainly not the world I grew up in" and this fact can not be denied, even when living in the most frum communities.
Also, if we say it must be taught, it is very personal and different for each child regarding what to teach him, at what age and how to explain. 
Therefore, I believe every parent should decide for each child individually what is best for each child, knowing him well enough, which can only be determined if the parents have a good communication with the child. Parents should be in touch with their family Rav, granted that he is familiar with these matters.
Just adding my 2 cents,
I value all of your opinions, feel free to comment.

Re: My summer forum 15 Aug 2022 23:35 #384719

  • eyes
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Dear Future Paltiel,

First of all I always thought that you are chabad, as one of the big mashpia and speaker his name is Rabbi Yossi Paltiel.



Second, I see your point. I too am almost like you. never watched porn or intentionally 
masterbated. it came out because f the things that I saw on the computer. 



Yes Bocherim should not know about these things. The less they know the better.



You are right. YB FP you bring up a good point, and I would like to take this opportunity to apologise if I hurt anyone with my post. 

​IYH in the future i will be more conscious in what I write, especially if it is for everyone to see.



I dont get to post often but I read your posts.



Keep it



While I am writing I have one minute,

BH I am in university now. 

​It gets challenging some times as most people in my program are 18 year old kids that like to dress how 18 year old dresses in Australia. 

I do my best BH. I am in touch with HHM and I try to have some type of accountability 

Am I perfect? no. But I do my very best to be careful



EYES    

Re: My summer forum 21 Sep 2022 00:06 #385896

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Wow do I thank H’ I was sheltered growing up!! I don’t think I would be Frum today r’l if I would’ve had access when I was a bocher… 
And I also thank my parents for doing there part and I’m doing my best to make sure my kids are not exposed… by filtering my computer at home with the best filter-netfree. And by davening to h’ to watch them from all this!(cause how ever carful u are today it’s not enough so you just got try ur best and daven to h’ to do the rest)
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/385816-Explaining-taavas-nashim-to-ones-wife#385855The only way you can have a real geshmakah life is by flowing H’s holy Torah!!
Last Edit: 21 Sep 2022 00:07 by Geshmak!.

Re: My summer forum 23 Sep 2022 01:25 #385964

  • eyes
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Hi Geshmak, 
i dont think you fully understood
I dont believe in educating bochurim.
But if a bochur is already on this site it means that something is a miss. SO if he reads things like this on THIS website then its not so bad

Re: My summer forum 23 Sep 2022 01:27 #385965

  • eyes
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Hi Everyone 
Wanted to wish you all a ksiva vchasima tova and a good year 
this year should be good for everyone in every which way

Love you all
Eyes
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